Do you remember?
Rusty-James's Point of View
It was cold tonight. The air was chilly and I shivered again as I zipped up my black leather jacket.
"Fuck," I whispered. It was too cold in California tonight, but I tried my best to ignore it. I was sitting in the sand looking out at the ocean. I always like the ocean at least I think I did. I can't really remember stuff ever since…Ever since? Ever since I was put in the reformatory I guess. I don't like to remember my past anymore.
I sighed and laid back in the sand. I stared at the moon for a moment. Its light hit my face gently and I smirked. Then I closed my eyes.
Is the moon tired? She looks so pale, within her misty veil; she scales the sky from east to west, and takes no rest. Before the coming of the night, the moon shows papery white. Before the dawning of the day she fades away…..
"What the hell?" I said aloud as I bolted up. I brushed sand off of me and looked around. That's when I saw her.
She looked pale in the moonlight and her long hair wisped around her gently in the light breeze. She looked at me with a sad look on her face. She looked like she recognized me. Did she? I couldn't remember.
She slowly started to walk towards me; her naked feet sinking in the wet sand. When she finally reached me she smiled a little bit.
"Can I help you?" I asked. I still didn't remember her.
"Rusty-James," she breathed in a feathery voice. She stared at me with a small smile on her face, the moonlight continuing to hit her face perfectly. Then she tilted her head in amusement and laughed. "You always did look like him. Well, at least to me you did." Her voice was sweet, but sent chills up my spine.
"Rusty-James?" He asked. "Hey, why are you fucked up all the time?"
The memory hit me hard. I held my head in confusion; the girl still continued to look at me. She knew something I didn't.
"Wha-"I gasped for air quickly. "What the hell was that?"
The girl no longer smiled. In fact, she looked annoyed. She continued to stare at me for a moment and then sat down next to me. I noticed she was wearing a white dress. She looked pretty in it.
She tilted her head down so her bangs covered her eyes. "Why are you ignoring him?" she whispered angrily.
"My-my head," I said. "What was that?" I asked again. I tried sounding serious, but I sounded scared. In reality, I was terrified.
She turned towards me, her eyes blazing in anger. I knew she was going to yell at me, but when she saw my expression she paused and then she cooled down. "You honestly can't remember?" she whispered. Sadness filled her eyes again.
"Remember what?" I shouted at her. I was no longer scared, but I was pissed off. What couldn't I remember? Who was this girl?
Tears weld up in her eyes. She placed a hand to her face and looked out into the ocean. She was quiet for a moment, but finally she answered me. "You can't remember your brother can you?"
As soon as she said that I regretted ever talking to her. Another memory hit me; it was as powerful as a tsunami.
I came home one day from Benny's to find The Motorcycle Boy in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table staring at the wall.
"Hey," I said. "Did you break up with Cassandra?"
"What?" he asked surprised. I don't think he heard me.
"Did you break up with Cassandra?" I asked again. I was hungry so I started to hunt around in the cabinet. I found some crackers and a little bit of cheese in the fridge. I wasn't picky so I figured that would do.
The Motorcycle Boy stared at me as I sat down across from him. It was creepy.
"What?" I asked angrily as I ate. He was starting to annoy me. Finally I couldn't stand him anymore and explained my question. "I saw Cassandra at Benny's." I started. "She was sitting in a booth crying her eyes out. I thought maybe you guys broke up or somethin'. That's why I asked."
The Motorcycle Boy sat back in his chair coolly. "To be honest I never did know we were going together." He stated it so boldly I chocked on my food.
I ran to the trash can and spit out my food. I didn't want it anymore. "What?" I asked looking at him. "How did you not know-"
"Sure she was interested in me." He stated again. "But, I don't know, I met someone else." He smirked as he said 'someone.' It was obvious he liked whoever it was.
I sat back down in my chair and leaned back. "Well, who is she?"
He looked away, but started to laugh after a while. Then he looked up at me. "I'll introduce you two one day."
I smiled. "Cool."
That was one of the only days I remembered that he made sense.
I stared at the ocean as I tried to breathe. The Motorcycle Boy…..
The girl smirked. "I'm guessing you remembered him."
I leaned forward and held my stomach. I felt sick. "I have a brother…."
"You had a brother." The girl stated. "He died….."
Then I remembered everything. The memories flooded back so fast I couldn't keep up with them. I remembered The Motorcycle Boy. I used to think he never made sense. I remember his old girlfriend, Violet. She was so pretty, but everyone thought she was crazy. She tried killing herself sometimes after her friend died. She used to scare me a little bit. I remember Patty, Steve, Benny's, Smokey and even Biff Wilcox. I remembered always trying to be like The Motorcycle Boy, but never succeeding. I remember fighting Biff, breaking up with Patty, going into town with Steve and The Motorcycle Boy, ending my friendship with Steve, following The Motorcycle Boy into the pet store at night begging him to stop, and then….I remember hearing the gun go off and seeing my brother dead on the ground.
Before I knew it I was crying. I felt stupid especially since I was crying in front of a girl, but I couldn't help it. The memories came to fast. When I was done I looked up and remembered the girl. How did I ever not recognize her? She was still so pretty.
"You look the same," I stated. "How old are you know?"
"I just turned 21." She said and then smiled. "You finally recognized me huh, Rusty-James?"
"Ya," I whispered. "I sure did." A moment of silence past before I spoke up again. "How are you doing, Vi?"
She shrugged. "Good I guess." She stared at the ocean with a blank expression. "I'm getting married in a few months." She stated blankly.
I looked at her in shock. I mean, sure, I had expected her to get over The Motorcycle Boy after he died, but marriage? That was too crazy for me.
"Oh," I stated. That was all I could say. "Um, I uh….I'm happy for you." Then I laughed weakly. "Well whoever he is he sure is lucky. You still look like you did when you were sixteen. Back when-"I paused. I didn't know if I should bring up The Motorcycle Boy. Back when they were dating I had made some remark about how her friend had probably just been another hood that had made a stupid mistake and gotten himself killed. Man, she beat me so bad that The Motorcycle Boy had to pull her away from me after a while.
"It's okay to talk about him." She said. "I can handle it."
"But, uh, Vi are you sure? Do you remember when I mentioned oh-what's-his name? Your friend that died and you nearly killed me."
She laughed. "You mean Dally?" she looked up at me with her strange yet beautiful eyes. The Motorcycle Boy used to mumble stuff about how he loved to read the emotions in her eyes. He was head-over-heels in love with her. I used to think he was crazy so I would always mock him for that.
"Ya' I think that's his name."
She smiled. "Well, Dally was different…."
I froze and stared at her. Then I got angry. "How!" I yelled. I didn't mean to yell at her, but I didn't know what she meant by 'different.' "My brother was in love with you! How is it different?"
"Rusty-James calm down." She said. "What I meant was that I loved Dally and The Motorcycle Boy both, but Dallas was just…." She paused and looked up at the stars. Tears formed in her eyes again, but she started to smile. "I loved Dally from my soul, not my heart."
"What?" I asked in confusion. Well, at least she still didn't make sense even though now I wanted to understand what she meant.
She sighed. "I grew up with Dally. I knew him since childhood. We were always together and even when weren't literally together it felt like we were." She blushed a little bit. "I loved Dally, but from my soul. I can't explain it, but when I saw him die…it killed me. It was the worst possible pain ever. I'd rather go through hell then experience that again." She paused again, but this time I started to understand her. I've felt that pain before. "I loved The Motorcycle Boy with all my heart, but he wasn't Dallas….."
"I get it." I said. Then I laughed. I finally understood something that she said.
"I didn't love either one more or less it's just…..with Dallas…" she wiped tears away from her eyes. "The one you love from your soul; when they pass and you're still here, you'll have to face your greatest fear. My greatest fear was losing Dally, but The Motorcycle Boy made it easier. We had a connection that eventually turned into love."
When I looked at her she was blushing like crazy and smiling. Her pale face was pink and when she noticed I was staring at her she looked away. No wonder The Motorcycle Boy adored her. She was adorable.
I don't know how long we sat there, but it felt like forever. I couldn't explain it, but I think I finally understood The Motorcycle Boy that night. I thought non-stop about him. How cool he was and how he never wanted to fit in the world. He couldn't. I finally saw the things he saw; felt his feelings. I finally understood my brother.
When dawn finally broke Violet got to her feet. "I gotta go." She said. "My fiancé' is gonna be pretty pissed that I didn't call him." She smiled when she said it, but I knew it was true.
I smiled. "Okay, Violet. Have fun with that." We both laughed. I didn't know when I'd see her again so I added, "send me an invite to the wedding."
"Will do, Rusty-James." She said as she walked away.
I looked back at her and smiled. Then I got to my feet and started to walk away, but something was bothering me. Did The Motorcycle Boy ever love someone from his soul? If he did was it Violet? Will I ever love someone like that?
"Russell-James," Violet said and I jumped. I didn't know she had come back. Her eyes were full of knowledge. "If you're wondering The Motorcycle Boy did love someone like that."
I laughed. "Well, aren't you lucky?" I said it like it was a joke, but I felt a pain inside. What was I to him?
She shook her head. "No, dummy." She said and hit me lightly on the head. "It was you. He loved you."
I looked up at her and knew she meant it. My brother actually cared about me. Then I smiled. Knowing that my 'crazy' dead brother actually had loved me made me happy. It was a strange feeling, but comforting at the same time.
"Thanks, Violet." I whispered. Then I walked away, the sun shining on me with a new understanding of my past.