Disclaimer: The Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak's character and plot does not belong to me. Gah. Not this again!

A/N: You know, I've been very disappointed in my other Darren Shan story, A Continuation. It's boring and starting to piss me off. So what do I do? I make a new story! ...Not the smartest choice I've ever made. But I'll live with it. Still updating A Continuation, but I need this to alleviate the dodginess of that other fic.

Oh, I'm so bad at humour. Darren's very OOC in this story - because I like him that way. Enjoy, guys.

This story is going to be updated so slow, due to the fact that I'm still in my last year of high school (Therefore, exams.) and most of the time have writer's block clogging up my upper... Uh... Plumbing? Anyway!

Rated T for sexual references and anything else I might accidentally include with my jaded, worldly mind - Ahahaha, see, I made a funny! ...Because I don't actually have a... Okay, maybe not.


Chapter 1: Melons

Fountains are evil.

That was the only conclusion I could come to as to why I had landed into this situation.

Hi. My name's Darren Shan.

At least, it used to be. See, the thing is, I'm a half-vampire. And one of the five Vampire Princes. But I'm not so sure that applies anymore.

What the heck am I crapping on about? Well, it's a long story. A very long one.

It starts with a hunt. A hunt for a Lord. And not just any Lord - the Lord of the Vampaneze. Which is, you know, fantastic. That was sarcasm, in case you didn't get it.

I know, I know. A hunt! What could possibly be bad about a hunt?

Well, maybe the fact that our target turned out to be accompanied by the man who I regarded to be my best friend ever. A man who still believed I had betrayed him, but had pretended to be our ally, then stabbed us in the backs when we weren't looking.

And then one of his friends - someone else with a grudge towards me - kidnapped my girlfriend. The woman I love. Debbie.

I wanted to go back for her, make sure she was well. But they didn't let me. Mr Crepsley, Vancha, Harkat and I ran instead, with a grudgingly unwilling Alice Burgess, the police inspector of Mr Crepsley's childhood town.

And so here we were - five very different people stranded together with nothing and no one else to rely on, while people like R.V. and Steve ran around wreaking havoc for the Vampaneze Lord. With Debbie at their mercy.

But fine, whatever. That part doesn't matter.

Not when something as devastating as what had happened had happened. Wow, I just said those words twice, didn't I?

Okay, re-phrase - Not when that devastating occurrence had happened to me.

It starts with a fountain. When I first encountered it, something deep in me had been violently awakened. I have no idea what. Might have been yesterday's mystery breakfast courtesy of Vancha. But anyway! The fountain stood in the sun, it's clear, white waters looking all clean and pristine-like. I just had to go to it.

But don't let that fancy exterior fool you, deep down in that inanimate landmark existed an evil purer than anything in this world.

Pure! Like 100% fat-free ice-cream pure! And dear God - that's pure.

I'm sorry. It would seem that a shortened attention span accompanied my new... condition.

But yes, where was I? Oh yeah, fountains are evil, and I approached one. Worried sick about Debbie, I begged Mr Crepsley for a coin, and like the mature adult I was, made a wish and threw the coin in.

"I wish the War of the Scars were over!" I shouted at the fountain, as if the louder I uttered - screeched - my wish, the better the chance that my dream will come true.

For a long time, I stood there expectantly. Yes, giggle at me if you wish. But I lived in a world of magic and impossible things.

Half-vampire, remember?

So, I expected something to happen, you know?

Nothing did.

...

Yeah. Nothing happened.

So why do I think fountains are evil?

Because, the next morning, I woke up and found melons hanging from my chest.

...Melons. Melons!

And my banana was gone.

So I did the best thing I could do in my situation.

"MR CREPSLEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!"


A/N: Review?