Title : 26 Elephants - The not really true story of one die- hard fan-girl's journey behind the red velvet rope.

Synopsis - When Billie Swinne finally gets her chance to get up close and personal with her no 1 celeb crush Jasper Pattinson, star of the No 1 hit movie series, Draco Cullen's Diaries and base player for the No 1 rock band in the world - 26 Elephants - will she finally get the chance to live out her dream? Or will she be left crushed at the bottom of the fan-girl pile?

Note : Any similarities to existing vampires, wizards and megastars (both living and dead) is not coincidental at all. It should be noted that it is pure crackfic.

Suspenders. From the little I could see from my vantage point, he was born to wear them, especially paired with his cowboy hat and kerchief round his neck.

I'd been waiting all day for my moment in the sun, so to speak, and my feet were really starting to hurt in my black suede, knee-length boots.

When I heard that HE was coming to my city for a signing, I just couldn't help myself, I knew I had to be there. Add in the fact that his band was also coming for some private gigs, and I just knew I had to be at both the signing and private gigs. So far I had managed to score tickets to 2 of their gigs.

26 Elephants! That had to be the weirdest name for a band I had ever heard. When I would tell most of my friends, they would be like - WHO?

Some of their lyrics were a bit odd, and I did have to wonder what drugs they were taking when they filmed one particular video, but I still loved both the band ... and the guitarist. I could see him from my position in the queue at this precise moment, and it was making my ovaries happy campers.

The tweens. Their screams were deafening me and they ruined every damn convention I went to. It was always more fun at the eighteen and over. Man I loved those events.

But I digress.

I was telling you about the sex god I was waiting to meet.

Jasper Pattinson.

Not only was he the star of one of my favourite movie series, Draco Cullen's Diaries (all about a werewolf who cannot die and the shy boring vampire that loves him) but through that, I had discovered his band 26 Elephants. He made up a quarter of the band along with Peter Rathboner on keyboard , Kellan Potter on drums, and the vocalist and other guitarist Robert Lautner. Most females thought Rob (or R-Autner as he was nicknamed in the media) was the sexiest man alive. Personally I just had a thing for Jasper. Some fans nicknamed him J-Pattz, however I had it on good authority he hated being called that, and jokingly referred to himself as Junk-Hansom. But to die-hards like me, he was just Jasper. The quintessential southern cowboy, who played an axe like no other.

Slowly the crowd moved on, I got closer to the objection of my affection, and before I knew it I was next in line to go up for Jasper's autograph. There were also 5 other cast members here, but I had no interest in them. I only had eyes for Jasper. I couldn't wait for his gig tonight, it was gonna be epic.

I tugged on my short black skirt, and stepped up closer to him when security gave me the okay to pass.

And stopped short with a gasp.

Oh-Em-Gee. The hat he was wearing had to be the sexiest motherfucking hat I'd even seen.

"Nice hat," I word-vomited with a smile. Outwardly I was cool, calm and collected but on the inside I was face-palming myself. He must think I'm a complete and utter loon.

"Well hello there, Darlin'. I think so too but try telling him that," He said, with a wink and a grin while pointing to his manager who was standing offstage.

And cue the drooling. The man was a sexy mother effing beast.

I blushed, and tugged my skirt lower as I felt the dripping down my leg. Damn the man!

"Will you be wearing the hat at 26 Elephants?"

He looked at me as he passed my signed picture back to me, with that devilish grin of his. "Are you going?" He asked me, and then he cocked his eyebrow. "What's your name?"

I stared dumbly at him, thinking he couldn't possibly want to know my name. "Billie", I stumbled out.

"Billie," he repeated, signing the CD next, and passing it back to me.

"Well, Billie, will you be going tonight?" he asked with his signature devilish grin.

I nodded with a smile. This man would be the death of me.

"Billie, what's your last name?"

"Swinn," I whispered conspiratorially.

"Nice to meet you, Billie Swinn. I'll leave your name at the door. See you tonight." he said winking again

And just like that - I, Billie Swinne, nobody from bumfucktown, got a backstage pass to 26 Elephants.