My Nightmares, Her Touch
I won't scream. I refuse to scream, because it's pointless. She stands over me, poking and prodding my wounds. She applies creams and heals them, but her eyes are hard. They show no sympathy. She wants me to feel the pain, she wants me to experience it, again and again. Her lips are red, and hair is a mess. She cut me down, and then heals me, just to nearly kill me again. I didn't fight back, and I will not. I know the pain will only worsen if I do. She is cruel, something that no one realizes.
"Does this hurt, Captain Soi Fon?" She sneers, plunging her fingers into a deep gash in my calf. I want to yell out, but I don't. I reply calmly.
"I feel no pain." She draws out her glistening fingers, covered in my blood and gore. She licks it off, watching me. I don't move. I have seen her do this before. She is sick and twisted, but no one realizes. No one except me.
"Interesting. I wonder why?" She asks herself. This woman has something against me. Ever since I became a Captain, she had tortured me. Our 'meeting' once every six months is her mutilating my body, grossing me out, and leaving me physical and mental scars. She sticks her finger in again, and I bite my tongue. I don't move though.
"What do you fear?" She asks, twisting her fingers in the wound. I flinch slightly, and she smiles.
"I fear nothing." She draws out her fingers, and applies cream to the wound. She moves to my stomach. Several stab wounds, deep and painful.
"What do you fight for?" She asks, stroking the cuts. I don't move, because it hurts. I don't want to let her see my weakness. The Stealth Force feel no pain.
"I fight for my honor." She pushes on sensitive bruises. She knows exactly how to hurt me and make me squirm. I do not know why she hurts me so, but I know that I must endure it. No one would believe the truth, even if I told them. She puts on a mask, but my very presence rips it away.
"Are you alone?" She asks. I can feel her hands move to my face. I close my eyes, and let her fingers drift across my pale skin. She yanks on my hair, and presses her nails into my cheeks. Blood trickles down my face, warm and sweet.
"My answers will always remain the same, Captain Retsu Unohana. I will never be alone, even in death." She takes her hands off of me, and I relax. I open my eyes, to see her grab bandages. She wraps my chest, taking her time. I do not wince at the touch.
"Who do you love?" She asks. I know it's her final question. It always is during these sessions. I want to run, run away from her cruel face.
"I love no one." She nods, and leaves me alone. I hear a door slam. She is gone. I feel dizzy, sitting in my own blood. She'll be back, but I have a few minutes of peace. I let tears streak my face. And then I scream.
I am in darkness. I am fully awake, panting. My body aches. I can still smell the blood. I get up, and jump in the shower, trying to shake off the dream. It comes, every six months, without fail. I have never told anyone, because it is for me to face alone. It didn't start until she left, but I do not blame her for my own misfortunes. These dreams make me stronger. I can hear a voice in my head.
Tell someone, please. It hurts me to see you in this much pain. Tell her you love her, let her know.
It pleads with me, but I know that I can't. I cannot reveal my feelings until she does first. I have to deal with the nightmares, but I hope it will be worth it one day.
If you don't tell her, you'll fall apart.
It warns me yet again, and I ignore it. I will not be broken by it, because I am not weak. A century has made me strong.
I get dressed, but do not go back to the bed. It still smells like blood, even though there is nothing there. I lie in the middle of my room, freezing. Bu the cold clears my head. It makes me feel better, lets me have control. I cry though, warm tears sliding down my cheeks. I cry and scream because I think no one hears. But someone always does, someone who lurks outside. I don't realize it until now. But I can't stop my screaming. Even when the tears dry, I scream. It feels like I am chocking, even though I know I'm not. I am rigid, but my voice echoes around the room. I hear a door slide open, my door, but I ignore it. I scream, scream and stare at the ceiling. I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. I am thankful, because they are cold. I get a grip on my mind, and my voice shuts down. I look up, into startling green irises.
I know who it is, but I refuse to ask questions right now. The most I can do is answer them. I let her hold me tight, because it feels nice. I can breathe again, and sense my surroundings with clarity. She looks down at me, concern evident on her angelic face. I sigh softly, and snuggle closer to her. Her presence eases my fear. She holds me, even though I don't know why.
I feel my eyelids growing heavy. She sings a lullaby to me gently, and I feel the blackness creeping over my vision. She also whispers to me.
"It's okay, I'm here for now. I will protect you." She doesn't promise, and I am glad for that. I hate promises, because they are just false hope. She kisses my forehead, my eyelids, my nose, my lips. I want to rest, but before I can, I make sure to speak to her.
"Thank you, Nemu." She kisses my lips again, lingering a bit longer. It's the last thing I feel before a dreamless sleep takes over me. I know she won't be there when I wake up. We will not discuss it, because that is just the way it is.
But our eyes will tell the story. When sadness and peace come over our eyes, we stare at each other. No one notices, because it is our story. The story of my gruesome nightmares and her calming touch.