I saw Sonny across the room with Callie. It seemed everyone was better with her than I was. He could love her and show her that while all I could do was look at her and see Callum, see all my pain and regrets personified. I didn't blame her, at least not consciously, possibly on some deeper level I still despised that she was here and Callum wasn't and I hated that. It wasn't her fault. It had been our choice, mine and Callum's. The problem was I didn't know how to move on from it, Callum had been my life, everything I had done, everything thought, everything feeling, everything had revolved around Callum and without him I had just come to a standstill. Now I didn't know how to love my daughter, our daughter. When she had been born I hadn't been able to stop myself thinking that she was the most beautiful baby on the planet. 50% me, 50% Callum, a result of love and hate, a result of black and white, nought and Cross and 100% just Callie Rose. I loved her the moment she was born, it was just every moment after that which had been the problem. I did love her, I love her with all the shattered pieces of my heart, I really did. But I couldn't bear to touch her, I couldn't bear to show it, to prove it.
The problem was fear. The problem was always fear. People always allowed fear to direct their actions, to change what they thought and how they behaved. People were scared of difference and we plunged into this racist age that we can't seem to drag ourselves out of. I was scared of so much, scared of being alone, scared of being unhappy, but more scared of having something and losing it, more scared of being happy. I could live with unhappiness, I had been doing it for the most part since Callum's death. Since my Dad killed him. I killed him. But being happy was hard, years had passed and it hadn't got easier because I couldn't let go. I knew the reason I found I couldn't show Callie the love she deserved, the love she needed was because I was too scared. If I kept her at arm's length maybe it would hurt less if I ever lost her. Because I knew I wouldn't bear to love lose someone again like I lost Callum, I wouldn't be able to cope with it.
I knew that was why Sonny was at arm's length as well. He reminded me of Callum in some ways but he was completely different in others. Sonny understood me and I knew that given half the chance Sonny could make me feel alive again, make me really feel again. I could love Sonny like I loved Callum but differently. Sonny could, given have the chance, put together all the pieces of my heart and make me whole again. No, not whole, I could never be whole again, not without Callum, but less shattered, happy, able to move on. If I just let him we could be perfect together.
That was just the problem though, if I just let him. If I just did everything I desperately wanted to do everything would be fine. I could make up for the years of mistreating I've given Callie, I could stop being broken. And I desperately wanted that, more than anything I wanted that. But something was stopping me. It was like I couldn't allow myself to stop being broken. I was too scared to, at least if I was already broken I couldn't break again. At least I was safe. Unhappy, maybe, but safety seemed more important these days.
A/N: I have no idea where this came from. I searched 'Noughts and Crosses' on Tumblr because I was bored and the next thing I know I'm writing this and all depressed because my Noughts and Crosses books are packed ready for uni in the bottom box in a pile of three so I can't get to them D: Anyway, in an N&C mood at the moment xD R&R and Ily forever!