Note: So I am deciding to revise this and finish this story. Even if you have read the first few chapters before I recommend rereading it anyway, it will have changed. Thanks to those who still care, and enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, though I do wish that I did. All of them belong to J.K. Rowling, I just mess with their thoughts.
"Hey Potter!" shouted Draco Malfoy. We were in the Room of Requirement, and he had olny just walked in. My eyes gazed at him and took in his perfectly sculpted form as he walked closer towards me. I loved him, I truly did. There was not a think on this Earth that could change how I felt about him; not really, so I gave up my denial of loving him a few months ago. How could I not love him?
Ignoring his personality which was only terrible when around me (because he hated me and my friends, we were Gryffindors and he was a Slytherin, it was to be expected), he looked like an angel sent down from Heaven. His platinum blonde hair, his angular features, even his taunts. I loved his perfectly chiselled chest that I got to look at during Quidditch, his long thin legs and arms, his perfect lips...
"Hey! I'm speaking to you!" he shouted. He looked quite angry, but he always did when he saw me. I guess it was because old habits are hard to break; even though I had stopped being mean to him personally no one else in Gryffindor had. Or maybe he really did hate me. That should make me sad because I loved him, but I knew I had no chance with him anyway. Either way, his melodic voice, angry as it was, snapped me out of my thoughts.
"What?" I said back to the blonde boy, and his temper seemed to rise at my speaking.
"I want to know why you followed me around yesterday!" he was shouting again, and I suppose I couldn't blame him. I had followed him around the other day - well, only kind of. We both had potions so I had walked there behind him instead of taking my normal route. I got a good look at his lovely ass the whole way there since Ron and Hermione had gone the normal way. I hadn't thought that he'd noticed though.
"Draco, about that, I can explain-" I started to explain but he began talking again and cut me off. I could have continued talking, but his voice was too perfect to not listen to it.
"You're such a pervert, you know that? Staring at me like that. I hate you! Why can't you just disappear off the face of the planet?"
I was completely crestfallen; because while I knew that he didn't want anything to do with me, to actually hear him say that he hated me tore my heart out and ripped it open and into shreds. It was something I was a little ashamed about too, staring at him. Sometimes it felt as though I was invading his privacy even though rationally I knew that was insane because if I can see it everyone else can. But what he said still hurt.
He snarled a little more before leaving the room as I watched through blurry, teary eyes. The door slammed shut and I asked the room to not allow anyone else into it, so that I may be safe to weep and moan without the worry of anyone bursting in to see me. The room did this for me but it also answered another request that was more subconscious - and a dagger appeared in front of me.
It wasn't something that I was proud of at all, but it certainly wasn't something that I could stop or hide forever; even I knew that. The scars on my wrists were telltale signs and Neville personally already knew. He was the one that had taken me down to the Infirmary the one time I had been surprised and my cut was a little too deep. Madame Pomfrey was horrified to learn of it - but she didn't ask too many questions.
I liked that about her and Neville, when they found out they did everything they could to make me stop; and admittedly they had helped me to stop doing it quite as often as I had in the beginning. But other than that they didn't continue to pry into what was my business and my business alone - they didn't ask any questions.
Or Neville did, but the only thing he said was, "Do you want to talk about it?" and when I shook my head no to him he let it go and didn't ask again. He had only given me a chance to explain and when I didn't want to say anything about it he simple let it go and didn't continue prying in the way that I knew some other people would.
I picked up the dagger and dragged it lightly across my left wrist as I collapsed to the floor, and the tears started to drip down my face from my eyes. There was no blood coming out of such a light cut, but it turned my skin bright red and scratched the top of the skin. I sobbed heavily and I had to ask myself, why did I have to love one of the people who hated me the most?
I felt rough hands on my shoulders shaking me awake and thankfully out of what was only a horrible nightmare. My eyes opened and I recognized the Gryffindor dorm room in all of the bright reds and golds. The hands that were shaking me noticed my open eyes and paused in their shaking but did not let go of my shoulders. I took a little comfort from that.
"Harry? Are you okay?" I heard Ron's worried voice above me, and I looked up into his face; his blue eyes were filled with concern.
I couldn't find my voice, so I just grunted instead, and I wasn't going to lie and try to say yes anyway. I wasn't okay and Ron could tell from looking at me; and because he knew that after one of my nightmares (he thought it was a Voldemort based nightmare but he almost never asked so I let him assume) I never looked good. He only asked to make sure I was really awake.
"Blimey mate, I was worried! This is the worse I've ever seen you! Another nightmare?"
I only nodded to him as I sat up from where I was laying on my bed. These nightmares were increasing, until I had them almost each and every night. There were always about the same thing and always included the one same person. Only a few different words and things were said, and the scenery changed constantly.
Why oh why couldn't I get Draco Malfoy out of my head? Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that I was completely in love with the blonde beauty, but that didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that I loved someone who hated me - a fact that was often drilled into my head painfully via my nightmares.
If only he wasn't in bloody Slytherin! I guess I couldn't really blame only him though, it was really hardly fair. The fact that he was in Slytherin showed that he had been true to himself because he honestly belonged in there; even I had to admit that. It was more so my fault for not allowing the hat to put me into Slytherin like it originally wanted to.
After assuring Ron that I was well enough to be left alone he went back to his own bed. Neville was looking at me with concern from his bed where he had to get up, knowing that I hated being surrounded. I nodded to him to show how I was well enough and that I noticed he was showing care. Neville nodded back to me and climbed back into his own bed.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep; I never could after these kind of dreams, so instead I looked around to see if anyone else was awake. Nope, as Neville and Ron had gone back to sleep and Dean and Seamus hadn't been awoken by the screams of my nightmares. They were just used to it, I suppose. I grimaced as I saw them sharing a bed.It certainly wasn't because I was against gays and people that were open about being gay and in gay relationships. That should be obvious of course; I didn't enjoy being a hypocrite more than anyone else did. The only thing was that Draco and I would never do that as even if the Malfoy didn't hate me (which I doubted) he would still never like me. That was a delusion that I did not allow myself to think about; or at least one I tried not to think about.
I didn't remember exactly when I started liking Draco Malfoy. Maybe it was when I had saved him during the war or it's possible I liked him since the first time I met him and I was in denial the whole time. It's not the kind of thing that you remember, when you fall in love with someone; all that you know is that it hits you suddenly and when it does it hits you like a hammer. It doesn't matter really, there was no way I could change my feelings anyway.
I looked over at Ron, my best friend for the longest time. I wish I could confide in him my worries and pains. I wish that he would understand and that if I told him I would be able to know that he cared. While I was sure he would accept me being gay I was more than sure that he would start to hate me if he knew that I liked a Malfoy. Weasleys were raised to hate Malfoys and vice versa. I suppose I couldn't blame him either.
I could tell Hermione of course. She would accept my sexuality I am sure of; and if I were to tell her that I liked Draco I know she would think about it and hear my thoughts on it before judging or saying any of her own views. But I couldn't trust her to not tell Ron and I know that she would only tell him for our best interests, but of course I knew Ron wouldn't take it well.
So I forced myself not to think about it during the day, and instead I go about (or try to) my business normally. At night, when I couldn't escape the inner sanctum of my brain and thoughts, I simply told everyone that I was having nightmares from the war. It wasn't like there was a lack of things to be having nightmares about, or like I was the only one.
Looking at the beside table clock I decided that it was an acceptable time for me to get up, though still early morning. I did still have classes and I would need to focus on something so that I could stop thinking of him. School helped because it gave me something else to think about; something to distract me from darker and more depressing thoughts.
I took a quick cold shower, having not taken a long hot shower in a while, I was used to it. After getting dressed I threw some of my textbooks into my bag, going through which classes I had that day and making sure I had those books. I had to look for my Transfiguration book, and I found it puched under my bed somehow. After placing it in my bag also I carried my bag with me downstairs.
I sat in one of the comfier chairs by the fireplace and took out my Potions textbook and began reading. The fire was flickering and made parts of the pages look darker than other parts. I wasn't one into studying because I wanted to get better in school, and I know it's very boring. Especially with Slughorn as a teacher instead of Snape; at least Snape made it something to complain about and made something interesting happen; even if it was bad interesting.
Eventually Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the Gryffindors I knew came downstairs, so I dog eared the page of the book I was on. Hermione looked at me with a look on her face that told me she was happy to see me studying; and Ron and some of the other boys were looking at me as if I were crazy. I shook my head at them and walked out of the common room, and towards the dining hall.
I woke up and there was a cold sweat on my forehead. It wasn't that my dream was by any means terrible, in fact it was a rather great dreams I was not wanting it to end. Potter and I had bumped into each other in the hall... And he shoved me into the Room of Requirement, kissing me while pushing me up against the wall. I flipped him around on the wall so that I was pushing him into it; but he didn't seem to mind all that much. We were just about to get a bit more intimate too...
It was definitely a great dream. But I had to get up when my alarm went off, obviously or I wouldn't have set the alarm on my wand. I did wake up and told my wand to shut up and stop making so much noise, I didn't want to wake anyone else up. I took a hot shower and relieved myself as the dream had left me a rather... hard problem, and after stepping back out I dried myself and flashed on my clothes. On the way out I saw Crabbe and Goyle.
I was carrying my bag and gave it to Goyle to carry for me - my parents were paying their family for a reason, you know. I couldn't carry my bags, of course, that was demeaning. I would carry Harry's bag, though, if he asked... Never mind that. Crabbe and Goyle followed me out of the common room as we walked to the Great Hall.
Walking into the Great Hall I looked over at the Gryffindor table, only to see Potter, Granger and Weasley talking. Granger sais something and the ginger started to laugh; his mouth was full of food and as I sat down I thought of how disgusting that was. Harry smiled and looked up to where I was, his beautiful green eyes met mine and I blushed, looking down.
Pansy was next to me and, after paying some close attention to my behavior she asked me if I was okay. I wanted to shout at her and ask how I could be when I was in love with Harry bloody Potter, but I don't think she would take being yelled at very well. Not to mention that said Potter would hear, as would everyone else in the Hall, and the News would get ahold of it... It would be terrible.
Pansy herself would probably take it very well, she and I were especially good friends and always have been. She herself was a lesbian and I knew that she had a crush on someone that she must have thought I wouldn't approve of because she was so against telling me. This of course only made me want to learn more but I wasn't going to be hypocritical and pressure her into telling me.
So I only shook my head at her concerned looks. Looking back over at the Gryffindor table my heart jumped to see Harry looking at me with those eyes. There was a small, sad look on his face, and it made me want to cry. His eyes looked so sad. Even if his mouth was showing happiness his eyes would always give him away.
I just wanted to run over to where he was sitting and throw my arms around him to make him feel better! I would do nearly anything to make the raven haired wizard feel better; and this was because whenever Harry looked at me all sad (which was most of the time) it pained me as well. I wanted to tell him about my own feelings for him and to see if he liked me back and if we could ever be together.
But I couldn't, and certainly never in public. He and his friends would most likely curse and hex me; then insult me with everything they had. While I wanted to tell Potter how I felt I knew that he most likely wouldn't take it very well. And I saw him every single day, if I told him and he rejected me, then it would be awkward between the two of us (if he wasn't being mean). If he decided to be mean about it then he could take many, many different chances to make fun of me for it.
I knew that I shouldn't be as mean as I was to him and his friends, especially if I wanted him to like me in the same way that I liked him. But it was the only way that I knew how to mask my feelings so that no one could see them; because I was pretty sure that if anyone even began to suspect how I feel there would be not much time before they realized how I felt about the other boy. I wasn't really all that good at masking it.
I noticed the time and stood up to get to the first class of the day. Crabbe and Goyle followed, as they always did, and we started what was yet another day.
To be continued...
New Note: Seems to be going well... 9 more to go!
Old AN: BTW: Sorry if it's bad, my first fanfic! And though I do have a rough plot in my head, tell me what you want, and my en-cooperate it in!