AU where Jackie never dated Kelso
"God Kelso," the tiny cheerleader sneered, "how many times do I have to tell you? No I will not go out with you."
With that she shoved past Kelso, heading towards the cafeteria. Kelso, Eric, Fez and Hyde stood against the wall, watching as she dropped down at the cheerleader and football player table. Eric, Fez and Hyde laughed.
"Oh she wants me alright," Kelso beamed.
"Seriously Kelso? Where did you get 'I want you' out of 'Ew Kelso, leave me alone'?" Hyde chuckled, using her earlier sentiments to burn his friend.
"She's just playing hard to get."
"Dude, Kelso, you said that in sophomore year and she still doesn't want you. I don't think she's playing hard to get," Eric said.
"Oh trust me, she is."
"You poor, poor idiot," Fez clucked. "I do not think she'd play hard to get for two whole years."
"Fez's right. She just doesn't want you."
"Geez Hyde, have a little faith. Plus it's only the first day of senior year which means she's only been rejecting me for like a year and a half."
"Kelso, buddy, that's what makes it officially two years. The first time she shot you down was the first day of sophomore year. Just face it; there is a cheerleader that doesn't want to do it with you."
"Uh! You take that back!" Kelso shrieked.
"No can do," Eric shrugged.
"You'll see. She'll be my date to homecoming and then you'll all be sorry."
"What are you guys talking about?" Donna asked as she walked up to the group of guys.
"We're just talking about the fact that Kelso will be unable to follow in Casey's footsteps since he won't be able to nail every cheerleader this year," announced Hyde.
"The tiny bitchy one still turning you down Kelso?" Donna laughed.
"Yes! I don't know what her problem is. No one ever turns me down, especially not a cheerleader. Oh I know! Maybe she's a lesbian. Hey Big D, do me a favor and ask her out."
All four friends stared at Kelso. Donna was looking at him like he was insane but the three guys had a giddy look on their faces.
"Yes Donna, go ask the bitchy cheerleader out. Oh but do not do it here because then I will have needs but I can't miss my next class. So do it after school."
"I am not going to ask her out."
"Why not Big D? You're dating Forman and he's pretty girly," Hyde laughed.
"Kelso, did you ever think that she just isn't into you?" Donna questioned, ignoring Hyde's comment.
"God Donna, now you're just talking crazy," Kelso said, rolling his eyes.
"Seriously, maybe you're not her type. I bet if another guy asked her out she'd say yes."
"Why would I want that Donna? I want her to do it with me, not some other dude."
"Oh I know, have someone completely repulsive ask her out and then she will say yes to you," Fez suggested.
Kelso thought it over for a second before nodding. "That could work. But who would I send in?"
"Normally I would be completely against you tricking this girl into bed but she's a cheerleader and really bitchy so I'll help. So what you need to do is get her to go out with someone else who is a complete asshole. She'll hate this guy so much that when you ask her out she'll have to say yes. But first you need her to say yes to him, get her guard down, you know? You should send in someone who's sexy and experienced with girls. So Eric and Fez are out. Sorry guys."
"No you are right. If I was good with the ladies I would not have to take care of my own needs," Fez admitted.
"Yeah and I mean I know you just don't want me out there flirting with other women so I understand."
"Right, that's why you're not qualified," Hyde said sarcastically. "It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're a bigger girl than Donna or that Donna's the only chick you can even talk to without stuttering."
"BURN!" Kelso screamed.
"I say you should send Hyde in," Donna announced.
"What?" Hyde and Kelso said at the same time.
"Well I mean he's the exact opposite of the guys that normally ask her out and every girl has a bad boy fantasy and let's face it; Hyde is the bad boy of Point Place. Why do you think all of the other cheerleaders want him?"
"Wait, Donna, you have a bad boy fantasy? Do you think about Hyde?" Eric demanded.
"Not me Eric. I'm happy with your scrawny self."
"I'm not asking a cheerleader out," Hyde argued.
"What Hyde? You afraid the little cheerleader will turn you down?" Eric teased.
"Please, the cheerleaders are practically begging me for it," Hyde smirked. "I however do not ask girls out on dates."
"It's a win-win Hyde," Donna began. "You ask her out, take her out, then act like a complete ass the entire time and do what you can to piss her off. Then try and get her to do stuff with you."
"I don't care! I'm not asking a cheerleader out on a freaking date! I don't go out on dates with any chick, let alone a rich, preppy, stuck up, snob."
"You know what Eric? I think you were right. I think Hyde's afraid the cheerleader's going to turn him down."
Donna and Eric exchanged knowing looks, both of them wearing smug smiles.
"I'm not Kelso. You can't trick me into doing what you want."
"I agree. I think Hyde is a big baby who is afraid of getting turned down."
"I don't get turned down."
"See, that's what I used to say until Jackie came along. Oh man, he is afraid."
"Fine, I'll do it. But only to shut you four up. Also, you'll each owe me fifteen bucks after she says yes. And I don't want to hear about this ever again, understand?" Hyde said, pointing to his friends.
The group nodded and began to laugh amongst themselves as Hyde walked over to the cheerleader.
"Oh man, he's doing it now?" Eric gawked. "That's ballsy."
"No kidding. Cheerleaders become exponentially more vapid when they're together. What is Hyde thinking?" Donna nodded
"Oh man this is going to be a sweet burn," Kelso whispered to Fez. "Hyde's going to get turned down in front of the whole school."
Fez didn't reply. He was too busy watching Hyde walk up to the cheerleading table. He was amazed at how every cheerleader watched him approach but did nothing to stop him. Whenever Fez tried to approach them they'd send a football player up to stop him.
Hyde took a seat next to Jackie. He leaned closer towards her and said something to her. She turned to look at him, smiling. The two appeared to be talking to each other. After a minute Hyde stood up as did the cheerleader. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
"Damn, he's good," Eric said with admiration.
"No kidding. I thought he'd get turned down at least once," replied Donna. "I mean cheerleaders like him but they do have a reputation to uphold. They at least pretend like they're not interested."
"Uh!" Kelso screeched. He spun and walked out of the cafeteria.
"Hey guys, this is Jackie. We're going out to the movies tonight."
"Hi," the remaining three managed, as they stared at Hyde.
"Hey," she said back as she examined them. She ran a hand up and down Hyde's chest and stomach, stopping at his belt buckle. "Okay, so can we go now?"
"Where are you going?" Donna demanded.
"What's it to you?" she replied bitchily.
"Uh, just curious."
"Whatever. Can we go now Ste… Hyde?"
"That's cool," he nodded, guiding her out of the school.
"Hyde is my idol," Fez whispered to Eric as they left.