Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I wrote this a long time ago but just decided to post it now. R/R.
I don't sleep the way normal people do. It takes forever for it to happen. It's hard when you're not human, when you don't have any internal organs to tell you that you're tired. I do things to occupy my mind. I count sheep. I read books. Most of the time I think and that's when all the trouble starts. I think too much, especially about him.
I miss Kevin. It's starting to get to me lately. I think about him a lot when I'm lying in the darkness of my room. It's so strange how all my memories of him are now magnified in their clarity. I can remember everything about him. I remember his voice. I remember how it was low and quiet but also firm and resolute. I remember how if you listened really closely to it you could hear the caring and understanding beneath all the hard edges. I remember his eyes were the same way. They were soft and gentle but there was still a hardness to them.
It's weird how when you're forced to end a close relationship with someone all the memories you ever had of that someone get pushed to the front of your mind. I catch myself remembering every single conversation I ever had with Kevin. It's not in my nature to upset people. In fact, I go out of my way to avoid confrontation with people close to me. I hate disappointment, hate it when things don't turn out like they should because I usually blame myself for it. I've seen disappointment in the eyes of my parents one too many times. I catch myself trying to scrutinize everything I ever said to Kevin and, more importantly, everything I didn't say to him. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? What could I have done to make him stay?
It makes me toss and turn every night. It's just stuck in my head and won't go away. I could've made him stay. If only I had . . . just done something. There had to be something I could've done to make him stay. I should've just told him the truth. I loved him. Not having organs doesn't make me less human or heartless. Not having hormones and chemicals in me doesn't mean I can't love someone. I loved him but it just wasn't enough. Maybe it was too much. Either way, Kevin's gone and I'm just left with that hollow, empty feeling inside that I know all too well. Disappointment. It seems like my life's been full of disappointment.
Julian would say it's not my fault. He'd say that Kevin was being stupid and that I'm the best thing that could've happened to him. I love Julian like a brother but I can never be like him, always acting like I'm the best thing that ever happened to the world. I just can't help but think it's all my fault, my mistake. That's why I stay awake half the night trying my best to figure it out. There's nothing to figure out though. I think that's the worst thing of all. I don't really know who or what to blame. The only thing I can do is put all the time I shared with Kevin under a microscope and stare at it really hard until something clicks. If I can just say the right things then maybe he'll come back. If I just try to find the problem then I can solve it. I can change. I can make him love me if I just figure out what I did wrong.
I roll over and bury my face in my pillow. There's nothing to analyze. There's nothing to fix because it's all broken beyond repair. Kevin is gone. Kevin is gone and all I can see is that look of disappointment in his soft yet firm eyes. I screwed up again. I disappointed someone again. Worst of all is I don't know what I did. The only thing I can do is lay here and go over everything again and again until I feel like I'm about to explode. Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes you're just left high and dry with nothing to comfort you or tell you what you can do to make things right. The person you love, for whatever reasons, is gone and you might as well get used to sleepless nights and unanswered questions.