Disclaimer: I don't own either Darren Criss or Chris Colfer, I have no personal spy to sneak in and get me information on their secret conversations. Though that would be bad ass...and a terrible invasion of privacy. Onto the story.
"Be my best man." Those words had sealed my fate. The sinking in my gut was nothing compared to the aching in my chest, pulsating and persistent. As if the very life of me was being sucked from it at that very moment. But tears didn't well up in my eyes and the knot in my throat was only slightly troublesome.
I swallowed down the lump blocking off my air supply. "Can I wear a purple tie?" Barely a second later his strong, tanned arms were wrapped around my neck and my body was pressed against his so tightly I was sure he'd feel it when my heart finally just broke and shattered into a million pieces.
"You can come fucking naked for all I care." His words came out muffled against my neck, his lips brushed against me with his every word. The hot breath was just another teasing reminder. When the tears finally fell I knew he'd take it as the same happy ones flowing from his own eyes. He pulled back, hands firm on either side of my face, a thumb stroking a few tears from my face. The honest, tear-glazed, hazel bore into my soul. He was so fucking beautiful. Why was he so beautiful? Even tearing my insides out, he was the most perfect man I had ever had the pleasure of knowing, of befriending, of spending most of every single day with. "Thank you Chris. You don't understand how much this means to me." And with his hands pressed so firmly to my skin, with the thumb stroking over my cheek bone, for a moment I could imagine "this" had been "you". "If you said no, I-I don't think I could go through with it." With everything I had in me I wanted to ask why. Why did it matter to him? But a bigger part knew the answer would hurt, only make life harder for me when I sent him off to her, wished them a happy life together. So, I didn't. A shaky smile inched across my face.
"You're my best friend Dare; I'd do anything for you." Anything.
"And when you find someone who is worthy of sharing every single day of forever with you, I swear by whatever it is that makes this Earth go round, I'll be right there." And that probably hurt worse than anything he'd ever said. I did want him there, because he was that someone for me. With a deep breath I threaded my fingers through his and pulled them down from my face. Standing so close, promising the world, it was too easy to pretend. I couldn't afford to pretend. Not anymore.
Every day for the next month was spent at some store, picking out tablecloths, china, colors and suits. Name it and I was doing it, Mia's Bridesmaids had some say of course, but they were out of their element and they knew it. I liked the girls just fine though, Mia included. I wished I didn't, it would have been so much easier to hate her for being the reason I went home every day to an empty house and an even emptier heart, if she had at least been a bitch. But she was the epitome of charm, it was only fitting; the female bookend to Darren. Female. Because Darren was straight. Because no matter how much we flirted, cuddled late at night watching Disney movies, got jealous of each other, or spent almost every waking minute with each other, she was his choice. She would always be before me, because I was a man. No matter how high my voice range was, I was a man.
It was nearly three weeks before the wedding when Darren and I got to really spend time together again. His dark head of curls rested heavily in my lap, my fingers trailing through them, partly because I knew he liked it and partly because I loved to feel the un-gelled rambunctious curls between my fingers.
"I wish I had a fairy godmother." His fingers threaded in between mine of one hand and pulled them to rest on his chest, right over his heart. The steady thump beneath my fingertips was always so reassuring. Safe. Cinderella barely made it out of sight when her prince made it to the glass slipper. I couldn't help thinking how stupid she was for running. Her prince had ran after her and she had took it for granted. Stupid. Maybe that's why I was gay. Then he spoke and I was reminded again why I was actually gay. Perfect men like Darren Criss.
"Yeah? What would you wish for, Chris?" You. I shrugged. The weight lifted from my thighs, my hands falling into my lap. For a moment I was afraid I had spoken aloud when he had turned around to face me. But the deep eyes searching my face with true questioning told me that I hadn't. My heart lurched when his hand came to cup my face, his eyebrows drawn in with some form of negative emotion. My brain was too clouded with the proximity to figure it out. "He'll be here one day, I promise you." Tears began to prickle in my eyes. I shook my head slowly, refusing to meet his gaze, but he brought me back forward. "He will Christopher. I wish…" Darren broke off still searching my face.
"You wish…?" I whispered. We were too close; I could count every eyelash, thick and black around his hazel orbs.
"I wish I could be that for you," he spoke. His voice was just a soft, but they hit me like a ton of bricks. Hot tears flowed like lava down my face. This time I did look away. "Chris, baby, please don't cry."
"D-don't." The break in my voice made me feel more pitiful. "Please, don't. I love you, Dare."
"I love you too."
"You know what I mean." Darren nodded slowly and pulled me into his lap. The tears soaked through his t-shirt but neither of us noticed. My body shook; silent sobs wrecked my form as the man I loved stroked my back, kissing my hair. "Shh," he coed in my ear. It did nothing to sooth the pain. "Come on," he whispered once I calmed down some, "you still have to teach me to dance." As if teaching him how to dance for his wedding to someone else was at the top of my wish list. But it was Darren, and no matter how much I wanted to take his outstretched hand and slap him across the face with it, I could only nod.
"There's no music." His chuckle was gentle but vibrated deep into my chest, pressed against his own. His hand slid down to rest on my waist. I tried to ignore the slight shudder that rocked me.
"Chris, singing is half our career, are you telling me we couldn't think up something?" I allowed our usual carefree banter to take over. He would always win in the end. No amount of resistance ever surpassed Darren. Not that he realized how he affected my self-control. He was oblivious not cruel, never cruel. "Oh yeah, I'll tell you something. I think you'll understand." Or at least, he hadn't been. The beautiful tenor's voice floated into my ears, into my brain, into my heart almost like an embrace. An embrace meant to hold on forever, trap me in him. As if I ever had a choice.
I pinched my eyelids closed tight. "Darren, please." The hand around my waist tightened slightly and then he was leading us in a butchered waltz.
"We need music Chris, sing with me. When I'll say that something. I wanna hold your hand." I took over leading, teaching him the proper way
"I wanna hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand."
"Oh please, say to me. You'll let me be your man. And please, say to me. You'll let me hold your hand." The way he was practically singing in my ear did nothing to stop the fluttering in my chest. I pushed him back slightly. He couldn't do this to me.
"I'll let me hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand." The hand in mine squeezed gently, a reassurance, something he had always done and brought so much comfort now only made me ache.
"And when I touch you I feel happy. Inside. It's such a feeling that my love. I can't hide. I can't hide. I can't hide." No, no he couldn't do that. He couldn't look at me the way he was and sing that to me, I moved to push him way and then Darren—heterosexual star of my every fantasy and fairytale ending— pulled me flush against him and sealed his lips against mine. Every fiber of my being was bursting with life. I couldn't move, couldn't think. Everything was just Darren. His smell filled my nostrils, his heat soaked into my skin like a flower after a drought, the taste of him on my lips sent my mind in a frenzy. This wasn't Kurt and Blaine, this was Chris and Darren. Engaged Darren. Straight Darren.
But then his hands were in my hair, at the back of my neck, stroking my face. When his tongue ran along my lip I lost all coherent thought. What was tomorrow's pain compared to the feel of Darren's tongue? He took my gasp as an opportunity to invade my mouth, skimming the entirety of it, the back of my teeth, my pallet, and my tongue. It was all so him. The hole that had erupted in my soul from the beginning was suddenly filled, I was so whole. So freaking complete. My fingers pulled at his curly mane. The feeling of his moan when I nipped at his lip was like nothing I had ever felt. It was heat and comfort and safety and passion and home. And then he was pulling away and it was all hitting me again how this wasn't happening. How he wasn't mine, how he was getting married in three weeks. And how could he do this to me? To his best friend? To someone he supposedly loved.
"Darren, how-how could you do that to me? To me?" Tears were falling from my eyes once again alarmingly, I never used to cry. I used to be so strong. Never once had I let the bullies see me cry growing up, never once had I let broke down in front of those who tore me down. But this wasn't my bully, and while he was in his own right, my tormentor, he was Darren. My Darren. Mia's Darren.
"Chris, no—Chris don't run away," the hand around my wrist kept me in place as the other pulled my face back around to face him. "I'm so, so sorry Chris. I never want to hurt you. I just—please stop crying. It fucking kills me when you cry."
"Then stop making me do it!" I screamed. He was so stupid, so freaking stupid, and beautiful, and oblivious, and perfect, and engaged and I just hated him. "I love you Dare. Do you not understand that? Every time you do this to me it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad. Like someone's pulling the heart from my chest. I love you so much and you know that Darren! You know that. I-I hope you're happy with Mia, I really, really do. I would never wish you anything less. I can't see you anymore. Goodbye Dare." My legs carried me as far as they could before they gave out with a sobbing Darren latched to them.
"I'll be anything you want, anything you need me to be. I promise, anything you need from me. I love you Chris. I can't go for the rest of my life without you in it. You're my best friend." I wished at that moment that I was more selfish, that I could look him in the face and tell him that he had to be with me the way I needed him to be. To call off the wedding, whatever it took to make him mine. But looking down at the tear-stained face of the beautiful idiot I knew I couldn't live with myself if I forced it on him. Couldn't live with myself knowing that I had made him choose.
"You can't be what I need you to be Darren. I'll be your friend. Always, I'll always be your friend." His smile was the only thing that kept the waves of misery at bay.
Three weeks later Darren said "I do". That night I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. Somehow the tears helped fill the space inside of me, even if just by the tiniest bit.
A week after, Darren showed up on my doorstep, white gold wedding band adorning his left hand, and a frown adorning his face. "I haven't seen you in a month Colfer!" he slurred. It was real anger on his face, but there was also real hurt.
"I saw you last week Dare, at your wedding, remember?" I barely heard my own voice, how Darren picked it up in his drunken stupor, I didn't know.
"I miss you." It was a whimper, a plea for his friend back, but despite the promise I made him, I couldn't give him what he needed. What he wanted.
"Darren, I-I need you to go, please."
"You don't love me anymore, Chris. Why?" he demanded. A blunt finger pressed into my sternum as he stepped closer into my space. "Is it someone else? That guy you danced with at the wedding? It's him, isn't it? I'll kill him! He took you away, I swear I'll kill him!"
"I'll always love you, you stupid, oblivious bastard! And no there isn't anyone else, it's only ever been you. Even if I am better off with that Lance guy, at least he's able to be attracted to me."
"He had stupid hair and he was too tall." And then he was kissing me. A real kiss, the second we shared. In a moment of weakness I moaned into his mouth, his tongue fought against mine. Alcohol was potent on his tongue and it sickened me that on Darren I found in attractive. I shoved him away with all the force I had in my being. "You can't do this to me! You're married Darren, and straight. Have you forgotten that?"
"No! No, I haven't forgotten damn it. But you won't talk to me, and I fucking miss you. I miss you so damn bad. You said I couldn't be what you needed but look! You like kissing me, don't you? I like kissing you, I love kissing you. Even as a man you're the mst beautiful person I've ever met. I could be what you need. I could be Chris, if it would bring you back to me, I could be."
"Dare, look at me. It hurts. I'm in agony. Every second of the day I'm thinking about you. Every time I see a Disney movie, or a nerdy t-shirt, or something neon pink, or my Harry Potter collection it's all you. And it freaking hurts." The slamming of the door swinging shut and the miserable glint in Darren's beautiful eyes haunted me that night.
I didn't hear back from him for months, until another drunken night when he showed up on my doorstep. Stop, rewind, repeat. Neither of us could ever be what the other wanted, but somehow amongst all the anguish being just that gave us at least part of what we needed.
Possible two-shot anyone? Let me know. :)