"We gonna go or what?" Mordecai waited outside impatiently by the car.
Rigby, however, refused to come any nearer to the car, "I think I'll just hang out here…"
The blue jay drew in an exasperated sigh, "Aaaugh. You've been bugging me about 'Zombie Make-Out Prom' for two weeks and now you're gonna chicken out?"
"It's that car, dude!" he pointed at the British taxi which Mordecai leaned on. An evil taxi indeed.
I know, pretty sweet, huh? Got it for like fifty bucks." He tapped against the old hood.
Rigby flapped his arms in an immature display of anger, "That's because it's evil!"
"I thought you got over that 'Ello Guvenor' thing, dude!" the blue jay groaned, throwing his wings out.
"That was before I knew it was real, dude…"
"What?" Mordecai inwardly groaned once more, "It's just a taxi. Look, it can't even move!"
He demonstrated by punting one of the tires. See? Nothing there. Oh wait, the tax's grill contorts into a mechanical, predatory grin. Man, who knew taxis had all that teeth?
Rigby nearly fell over in terror, "Okay I don't wanna go anymore!"
Seriously? Seriously? The bird flew up his arms in a frustrated growl, "I can't believe you're gonna weenie out because of a stupid taxi!"
Opening the door he steps into the taxi of doom, "Screw you, I'm going to 'Zombie Make-Out Prom' whether you're going or not."
Gah, curse you ultimatums. They're bane of many a bro! The smaller raccoon stares at the death taxi, making a small whimper. He was seriously gonna have to go, wasn't he?
Ah, the taxi sensed the raccoon's fear. Yes, Rigby, come on in. It's passenger door flies open as if it already knew the answer. The taxi grins wider than before as Rigby scurries in next to Mordecai.
Rigby found it hard to hide the stressed look on his face as he began to buckle in. The blue jay, "Quit worrying. Seriously, are we gonna have to play punchies to make you calm the eff down?"
"No…" Rigby barely whimpered out.
Mordecai crooned out, "Then let's kick out this s, yeaah-EAAAAAH!"
Shoving the key in the ignition, the taxi rumbled fully to life. The raccoon freaked out inside, covering his mouth as to hide his terror.
"Who's got a taxi to 'Zombie Make-Out Party'? We do! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!" Mordecai began fist pumping the air.
As much as Rigby was afraid, he couldn't keep out of the bro-fist pumping, "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Riding a taxi to the scary movie like a boss! OHHHHHHHHHHH!"
It required a few more minutes to come down from their ohhhhh-binging and bad rap-rhymes. The taxi began to silently rumble, barely able to contain its excitement for the moment when it could eat these two rapping nuiscances.
But the both of them drove off unaware, save Rigby and a kid from Canada named Ian McBaggins. But Ian was serving time in prison and Rigby grew too distracted talking to his best friend to worry too much.
"Alright, so you're trapped on an island me and Margaret. Who'd you make out with first: me or Margaret?"
"What if Margret was a zombie?"
"Still Margaret, dude."
"What if she had a skin rash?"
"What if she wanted your skin?"
"Aaugh, what if she was Susan?"
"…okay, maybe, MAYBE then I'd make out with you first. Maybe." He sighed.
Rigby took the opportunity to bob his head and gloat, "In your face, dude! You'd so smack lips with me!"
"Yeah, like maybe as a last resort, dude. See, lady pecs always beats raccoons, Rigby. Always."
Rigby retaliates with angrish pouting, "Hmm. Hmm. We'll see, dude. Someone's just jealous of my mad tongue skills."
Mordecai shot a linefaaaace at the raccoon, "You have no idea how wrong that sounded, dude."
That was it, it had enough of listening. Revving harder than before, the engine roared beyond that of any regular automobile.
Rigby's eyes grew wide with concern, "Uh…is it supposed to do that?"
With those words, the taxi swerves as hard as possible with the intent of throwing the two out its doors. The attempt succeeds somewhat as Rigby flies straight into Mordecai's face. Pushing him off, Mordecai struggled with the wheel, "Dude, what's happening?"
"It's the taxi! I told you!"
"The one from the movie? That's not possible! It was just the video store guy!"
This whole exchange quickly devolved into a shouting match, "Then tell him to stoppit!"
Mordecai stomped his foot down on the homicidal taxi, "Uh, video store guy? Can we stop now? We have the movie or whatever…"
At the sound of the bird's plea, the taxi slowed down…and the engine died.
Mordecai , eyebrow raised, peeked from the taxi window, "So can you come out now or wha—"
Soon enough, the taxi revs up again and slams on the brakes. Barreling down the road at high speed, Mordecai grabbed onto the wheel once more, his birdy legs flailing left to right. Rigby clutched on the blue jay's chest as the taxi revved forward, swaying to and fro.
Trying with all his power not to get thrown out the car, the blue jay yelled, "I don't think that's the video store guy!"
"I keep telling you, it's the taxiiii!"
Hungry for the occupants inside, the taxi shakes like a blood-crazed mechanical bull when suddenly it brakes once more, the momentum throwing the duo to the windshield.
"ELLO GUVENOR" it growled from the toothy grill of its mouth before revving forward again, throwing the duo back once more.
Rigby frantically shook his friend, "Mordecai do something!"
Desperately tugging at the wheel, the blue jay replied, "I'm trying! I'm trying!"
But it would not relent it would never relent. Not as long as there was bodies to rip, to mangle. It rumbled its evil phrase, "ELLO GUVENOR" to demonstrate its unwillingness to let go.
The car continues its mad drive, attempting to shake off Mordecai and Rigby, now thrown about like rag dolls. Screaming rag dolls.
But it would not pull over for no one: not the waddling family of ducks, not the officer trying to pull them over, no one at all. No one.
"Make it stop! Mooooooordecaaaaaaaaiii," creeched Rigby.
"I'm trying I'm trying!" he tried pressing on the brake. Wait, haven't they been over this before? It doesn't work. Nothing will stop it. Not even the balding guy in the Hawaiian shirt and fishing hat mashed against the window.
"ACK-goddamnit! I am a goddamn journalist!" he slurred, "Getting hit by THREE fuckin cars is below my caliber! Goddamn it, I demand some respect."
The animal duo gave the journalist their kudos by yelling at the top of their lungs. Thankfully enough, the reporter rolled off just in time, waving obscene hand gestures as the taxi sped off.
This was it. It WILL get these animals out the taxi. Flinging its doors open, it goes back to swerving in the most uncontrollable way possible.
Yep, that did it. Unable to hold on any longer, raccoon and blue jay tumbled out the door. The taxi had made its victory, but it was not done yet. Headlights gleaming in the dark, it stopped before the sprawled animals, grinning.
Only two words came out, "ELLO GUVENOR."
The two animals huddled in terror as the creature began to rev up once more. It would have its kill, it would be satiated.
"I'm sorry I didn't believe you dude," screamed Mordecai.
"I'm sorry I made you drink Muscle Man's sweat!"
Driving at top speed, the taxi reared forward, hellish mouth agape, ready to receive them into its mouth. Closer, closer, closer…when it veered to the right, making a shape in the dirt. Getting up, they see it is...a heart?
Seriously, a heart?
The taxi pulls over, flashing its highbeams…solemnly? No, that can't be it. Opening its mouth it growls, "ELLO GUVENOR."
Rigby gave a blank stare, "Dude, are you in love?"
It revs towards Rigby, jaws agape. Okay, time for the Rigbone to back up now. By back up, he means darting back to Mordecai.
"Uh…is it me or does that taxi like you?"
"…how would that even work?"
"I don't care, I don't love it!"
The taxi roars to life again, driving to the two again. Time to run!
"Dude," Mordecai pleaded, "You gotta put the moves on that thing somehow!"
"THAT THING TRIED TO KILL ME!"
"IT'S GONNA KILL US AGAIN IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING!"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"
"I DON'T KNOW, KISS IT OR SOMETHING!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh, fffffffine!" And Rigby walks up to it to give the raging taxi the most awkward hug in existence.
The taxi growled in approval before opening its doors.
"I think it wants us to go in, dude."
What else could they do? Get killed? And so, they climbed in.
"Can we go to the movie?" Rigby asked the taxi.
The taxi gives no reply but drives off to the beach.
Time for awkward cuddle times in the taxi. Mordecai looks down at Rigby, "Dude, if we don't make it through this…"
Crap, this was so weird saying it, "…we need to make out."
Rigby shuffled somewhat, "What? Right now?"
"Come on dude, I don't wanna die without making out with someone!"
…Rigby nods his head, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, man. Let's make this happen."
Letting a wing slide up to Rigby, he draws his beak to Rigby's mouth. After some awkward mouth-fencing, they manage to get a good kiss rhythm going, Rigby's arm wrapped round Mordecai's neck. Hey, he even managed to get a few moans from Mordecai, so that's cool.
The only creepy thing was how the taxi tried getting in on the action by playing some Marvin Gaye on the radio. Rigby tried settling it by fiddling with the stick shift…which seem to work. So yeah, creepy.
Separating, breathless and clinging to each other, Mordecai coughed.
"Man, you moan like a girl," he joked.
"Shut uuuuuuup," Rigby pouted, "I do not!"
"Whatever, you totally do." He snerked.
The car skidded to a halt, throwing them through the windshield. Taking a moment to collect themselves, the rose from the shards of glass and wincing to find they had stopped at a beach. A glorious, polluted island, but glorious nonetheless.
The taxi rumbled, "Ello, guvnor…"
Crap, it just wouldn't leave him alone, would it?
"Uh…"Mordecai rubbed the back of his head, "Maybe we should get some jumper cables?"
"Okay, bad idea! What should we do?"
"Why don't we tell it to leave us alone!" he pointed in anger at the taxi.
Oh, that was it. Hell hath no fury like a scorned taxi. Rumbling to full power, it drove straight towards the two of them. Throwing a fist to the taxi grill made the beast stagger somewhat, but to no avail. It continued onward, if not slowly. Oh god this was it!
Both clung for dear life when an intrepid reporter in a Hawaiian shirt jammed his torso into the taxi's mouth, causing an explosion, ripping through the core of the taxi.
Soot-covered, the reported remarked, "Twas beauty that killed the beast. But in this case it was cancer and a whole lot of ungodly love. Goes to show ya America's riding into hell on a cucumber."
And he walked into the sunset.
Rigby and Mordecai exchanged glances.
"Wanna ride the bus home?" suggested Mordecai.
"As long as no one can see us."
"Pffft. With your height? I doubt it"