So I got this prompt for Kiss, my prompt series, and when I wrote it, it kind of ended up being oneshot material. So... clearly, I'm posting it as a oneshot instead. Here's the prompt: Kurt finds a notebook of Blaines filled with letters to Kurt saying everything he feels.
This story is based on what I want to do when I think I've met the right guy.
This is set just after Sexy. Original Song didn't happen here, not just the kiss but the entire episode. Oh, and some may consider it kind of AU when it comes to Blaine's feelings. Either way, it's AU after Sexy for sure, before that you can make your own call.
The commute between Dalton and Lima had always been an issue for Kurt. Obviously boarding helped a lot, but going back for weekends or being able to hang out with friends after school was never easy anymore. Of course he and the girls made things work - they always did - but Kurt missed being able to just show up at Mercedes's house whenever he liked to surprise her. He missed the unusual family dynamic they had just managed to get going before Kurt had left. And, as such, he always found himself leaving for the weekend.
Of course boarding at Dalton had its positives - one of those being Blaine. Blaine was the reason Kurt could keep smiling as he left his family, and that same smile would stick around for the whole two hour drive because he knew he would be seeing Blaine when he got back. It sounded stupid for someone who was just a friend, but the best part of Dalton for Kurt was Blaine.
... that said, if Kurt could have things his way, he knew he would be more than just friends with Blaine. But after everything Blaine had been through the past few weeks - crushing on Jeremiah, kissing and dating Rachel - Kurt really didn't think he was ready to go after anybody else for quite some time. And when Blaine was ready to move on, the chances of his next choice being Kurt were probably even slimmer. Still, as Kurt pulled into the parking lot, he couldn't be sad. Not really. He still had Blaine as his friend and that was what was important. So right now, he was going to go to his room, unpack his weekend bag and then go track down Blaine and see if he wanted to grab a coffee or something.
Smiling, Kurt quickly climbed the stairs to his room, greeting Wes and David as he walked by. He paused for a second, wondering what the look on their faces had been about - as if there was an inside joke and he wasn't a part of it - before shrugging and carrying on. Everybody had their jokes after all.
Unlocking his bedroom door, Kurt immediately tossed his bag onto the bed and unzipped it. He didn't like his clothes being folded for a long period of time and set to hanging them immediately. So it was only when all of his clothing was away and the bag was stowed safely in the bottom of his closet for the next weekend when Kurt turned back to his bed and noticed the small black book in the centre of it.
Crossing the room, Kurt picked it up and frowned. He had a vague recollection of seeing the book somewhere before, but couldn't place it. And as much as he hated invading other people's privacy, he knew he needed to check who owned it to return the book. Besides, it was on his bed.
Opening the front cover, Kurt's frown deepened as he took in the first page of writing. It's... for me?
This book is, to put it simply, letters for you. Now, I know it sounds weird, but let me explain. This is the method my dad used when he was my age to determine his feelings for my mom - he wrote a book of letters to her every time he learned something new about her or had something he wanted to say but couldn't. And he decided that the book would work it out for him. If he gave up partway through, ran out of things to talk about, or decided he wasn't interested in my mom anymore, he would just stop and that would be that. But if he reached the end of the book, he would give it to her and let her decide.
So, if you're reading this, that means I've filled the book and I still feel the same way as I did when I wrote this first letter. It's currently the day of your transfer, and I know we've only known each other for a short amount of time, but I can feel myself falling for you already. I know it's not what you need right now though with everything you've been through, so I'm going to give you what you do need - a friend.
Please read on, and read everything. I can assure you that I won't have given this to you and stuck around. I know me, I'll have left this on your bed when you went home for the weekend and then gone to hide out somewhere. So take your time, and enjoy learning about me and the way I've been seeing you.
The thing I learned about you today, Kurt, is that you are so much stronger than you look. After everything you've been through, after having to say goodbye to your dad, you still managed to settle yourself in and pretty much join the group straight away. I really admire that.
Kurt couldn't think. He didn't know what he was meant to do, except stare numbly at the words. Finally his brain snapped back into action. Okay, take it slow. First, this book is from a few months ago...
And that was where his mind derailed again. Because Kurt knew that this book was clearly filled with letters from Blaine. As his own note had said, if Kurt was reading the book, then Blaine had seen it through to the end. And if Blaine had seen it through to the end...
Take it one step at a time, Kurt reminded himself. Before jumping to any conclusions, Kurt needed to read the rest of the letters.
Flipping to the next page, Kurt suddenly wished Blaine had dated the entries so he knew what was happening at the time. But as he began to read, he realized that Blaine's memories were dates enough.
I am sitting here feeling like a jerk right now, and I hope after I've written this letter I can go ahead and apologize to you. I feel awful that you didn't get the solo, but I feel worse for the way I handled it.
You should never try to blend in. Be a part of the team, yes, but never stop being yourself. You're simply wonderful the way you are, like nobody I've ever met and probably the rest of the Warblers either. Sometimes it gets a little overwhelming, like today, but it's never a bad thing. Ever.
Now I need to get the courage to go and tell you this.
Oh, and what I learned about you today? Your voice is simply angelic.
Kurt smiled, remembering that day perfectly. He had been sitting in his room, texting Rachel rather furiously about her song choice - really, it was his fault just as much but it was easier to blame Rachel - when Blaine had hesitantly come in, immediately apologizing for how he had acted. It had taken Kurt by surprise, and he had told Blaine as much. It was Blaine's job to reject people for solos and explain where they went wrong, and Kurt hadn't expected anything else from the boy. Blaine's relief had been almost tangible, and Kurt remembered being confused by that, before being distracted again as the boy had immediately invited him out for coffee. Kurt had accepted, of course, as his own crush was in full force by that point and any chance to spend time with Blaine would be grabbed with both hands.
Kurt found himself tracing his hands over the last line before Blaine's signature. Does he really think that?
He turned the page and read on.
Did you know the Kings Island Christmas Spectacular closed three years ago? I'm pretty sure you didn't, because I doubt you would have sung that duet with me if I had just suggested it. But it's snowing outside and the fire was roaring and you... you just looked perfect.
I may have peeked into the room and seen you there earlier by the way, which is why I came prepared with a boom box. I was half prepared for you to say no, but I should know that Kurt Hummel never passes up an opportunity to perform, shouldn't I? Anyway, you sang the song beautifully, and I am in love with the way our voices resonate together so perfectly.
I wish I hadn't left so suddenly, but we would have been interrupted anyway when your old teacher came in. I guess I just needed to get away and think about what had just happened, and write of course.
What do you think I learned about you today? Well, you're a born performer for one. I have more fun hanging out with you than with anybody else. And I'm pretty sure I still have feelings for you. I don't know what to call them yet, and they scare me sometimes. But they are there.
The day I fell in love with Blaine...
Kurt sniffed, feeling unexpected tears well up in his eyes. At the time, he had thought the duet was only meaningful to him and it had just been another performance to Blaine. To find out now that it was more... it was almost more than Kurt could handle.
Why didn't he tell me this earlier? Kurt wanted to scream, thinking about how much easier things would have been if either he or Blaine had just come clean during that duet. Especially Blaine who had made up the reason for the duet. If only...
Kurt knew what was coming up soon and also knew it was going to be difficult to read. If this book had been continued even when Blaine was crushing on someone else, it meant that Blaine's feelings hadn't changed. And while Kurt knew it would hurt, he wanted to understand Blaine's rationale behind it.
But the next entry wasn't upsetting, and Kurt read on with a smile.
Just gotten back from the football game, I can't believe how much fun I had hanging out with you and your family. I thought it would be strange because you were bringing along another gay guy, but I only got a few suspicious looks from your dad until you glared at him to stop which I appreciated a lot.
I know you weren't as into the game as I was. But seeing your enthusiasm for the halftime show... I couldn't keep the smile off my face and it wasn't just because those zombies were rocking the field down there. It was because you were there next to me, jumping in excitement and practically exuding love for your friends down there.
I want to do things like that with you more often. Maybe that's what I've learned. I don't know. I seem to learn new things about you every single day, Kurt, more than I can put into words. And I never want to stop learning them.
The next page, to Kurt's delight, was a song. Apparently Blaine had lost his songwriting book and thought that this was the next best thing. Considering the song was about mixed feelings, Kurt found it highly appropriate and decided that he would have to get Blaine to sing it to him sometime.
But his smile faded as he took in the next page of words, written shakily on the page.
I said I don't know what I'm doing with myself. This is one of those times.
I'm asking Jeremiah out for Valentines Day.
I will never admit this to anybody else, but I'm doing it because I don't think I could get you. I'm doing it because if there's ever a chance of me dating you, I want to actually know what it's like to date someone. I want to bring some form of experience to the table.
And I'm sick of being alone. Maybe this will help. Maybe it will show me that my crush on you is just a crush. Or maybe it will show me that it is more. I don't know.
I didn't really learn much about you today - it was more about me. I learned that I'm just a scared teenage boy who doesn't know what he's doing with life and is afraid of his own feelings.
Without letting himself dwell, Kurt immediately flipped over to the entry after their performance, knowing he needed to read that before he could think this one over. To his horror, he realized there were smudges on the page that looked suspiciously like dried teardrops.
Well, I'm a wreck.
No, it wasn't because the performance went bad and I was humiliated in front of everybody (I'm so sorry to you and to everybody for that as well.) It's because you just stood there and told me that you thought I would be singing to you, and I felt my heart break. You are interested in me.
Kurt... I couldn't say it to your face, so I'll say it here. Hopefully some day you'll read this and it won't be too late and you'll understand.
When I said I didn't want to screw this up, I meant it. And that's what this book is for and I want to stick to my original plan. I want to be completely sure that you are the one I want to be with and that this is for real. After what just happened with Jeremiah, I can't afford to try it out with you without being sure that I'm in a right place to start a relationship. And coming off the back of a rejection is never a good place.
You mean more to me than anybody else ever has, Kurt. If we can make this work, I want it to last forever. Naive, yes, but that's what I want.
So I'll continue with this book and just hope that by the time I reach the end, you haven't given up waiting for me. It's a risk I need to take if I want this to work. I hope you understand someday.
I learned that you are a much stronger person than I ever could be. I preach courage, but you're teaching me about strength.
Kurt exhaled shakily, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. "Wow," he murmured to himself quietly, glad David wasn't in the room. He hadn't know what to think after the whole coffee shop talk had happened. Yes, Blaine had sounded very sincere about not wanting to mess 'this' up, but Kurt couldn't be sure what the 'this' referred to. He had forced himself to file it away as their friendship instead of a possibility of a relationship, and now he found out that it was more than that.
Taking another deep breath, Kurt forced himself to face up to the facts. Blaine had tried to date another guy while he was still interested in Kurt - that wasn't something he could accept easily. But re-reading Blaine's entry, he could understand where the boy was coming from. I just wish he could realize that he doesn't need to be experienced, or even the one in control all the time. I love him the way he is.
Kurt could only hope that by the time he reached the end of the book, there was still a chance of saying all of these things to Blaine. After all, there was still the possibility of Blaine having changed his mind and left the book for some other reason. As much as Kurt wanted to let his hope rise, he quashed it down and flipped through to the next page.
As soon as he saw what it was about, Kurt quickly skim read it. Blaine was talking about how flattered he had been that Kurt had invited him to Rachel's party, and Kurt knew what would be coming next. Bracing himself, he turned the page to the next entry.
I kissed Rachel Berry last night and I wish it was you.
I woke up in your bed, hungover. I will never forgive myself for making that much of a fool of myself.
I don't know what I'm doing with myself.
I learned that you are a lifesaver when it comes to your father.
Kurt pressed a hand to his mouth in shock. He wanted to kiss me?
He couldn't pause here though. There was worse to come, he knew it.
I don't want to be writing to you right now, but I promised myself I'd write down everything I was feeling towards you and right now it is anger. I get it - you're out and proud. So am I. But there is room for confusion, Kurt, and I wish you could understand that maybe it's not about being 'proud', it's about me not knowing myself as well as I thought I did. It's about me never really having a chance to come to terms with myself.
I wish I hadn't responded the way I did, but I don't regret sticking up for myself. Even if I do turn out to be wrong, you need to know that I am my own person and not who you want to mould me into.
However, I learned that I can still like you even when I'm angry. I think I just need some time to myself for now. But I think this might be the real deal, what I feel for you.
Oh, and as for why I'm going on a date with Rachel when I'm so crazy about you? Simple: pride. And that I'm not proud of.
Kurt wiped away a tear hastily before it could fall on the book, before having to push it away as the rest came on in full force. He and Blaine had never truly talked about their argument, after all. Both boys had just apologized before Blaine bought him another coffee and they settled into catching up on what they had missed out of each other's lives while they weren't talking. The topic of bisexuality hadn't come up again - if it had, Kurt would have definitely told Blaine that it was okay to be himself, whoever that may be.
Of course, Kurt was immediately reminded of the kiss with Rachel. Shuddering, he kept on reading.
I just got back from my date with Rachel. I don't even feel right calling it a date, because it wasn't. It was like hanging out with a friend.
I don't know why I decided to go on that date. At first it was just to see what it was like. But after our argument - which I regret so much - it was a point of pride. I was going to do that to prove to you that I could be bisexual if I wanted to.
Well, I don't know whether it was just Rachel, but I can say I felt no attraction for her. I can't explain the kiss because that did feel nice, but I'm not in any hurry to repeat it strangely enough. Maybe because all I can think about is kissing you. But after what's happened here, I know I can't do that any time soon.
And considering this is the only time I've actually 'talked' to you since our argument... I've learned how much it sucks not being able to hang out like we normally do.
Why did I not go to him instead of Rachel?
After the date, Kurt had tossed up his options. He knew he could either go see Rachel and get the information out of her, or suck up his pride, apologize to Blaine and then see what he had thought of the date. Of course he had chosen the easy option, the last traces of anger at Blaine still lingering in his veins. But he knew now if he had gone to Blaine, he would have found out a lot sooner that their date meant nothing to him.
And now we get the aftermath of the kiss...
You were right. And at least this time I told you in person.
I'm so glad we're talking again. I can't bring myself to bring up the argument though, I'm just glad you're willing to move past it.
You are truly an amazing friend. More than I deserve. I'd say I learned that, but I think I've known that for awhile now.
Kurt wiped away the last of his tears, smiling at the words. Blaine's gratitude was practically leaping out of the page, and Kurt was seeing it now in the memories. How have I been so blind? he mused to himself as other memories rose to the surface - times when Blaine had clearly been interested as more than as a friend. I guess I just wouldn't let myself see it.
But then Kurt frowned again, remembering the one time when he knew Blaine couldn't have been seeing him as more than a friend.
Well, we just finished our sexy number for Regionals. I have 12 phone numbers in my pocket from girls, and just ended up making you think you're some kind of baby penguin.
I can tell you straight up what I've learned today. You can't try to be sexy. So I guess all of those other times that I've found you incredibly sexy was when you weren't trying -
Kurt dropped the book, before grabbing it hastily and re-reading the line. No, he hadn't been mistaken... Blaine thinks I'm sexy?
Shaking his head in sheer disbelief, Kurt kept reading.
And I don't mean that in a lewd way, I promise. But there's just a certain way about you when you dance, or when you're completely at ease with yourself, or the way you flick your hair back.. I could go on. My point is, I'm attracted to you in so many ways. And I'm sorry you think you're not sexy because you so are. I just wish I could have told you that today without sounding like a creep.
Still tossing up whether to try and 'help' you see your true potential. It's not really a 'friends' thing to do... but maybe it's time to start pushing the boundaries a little to see what happens. Maybe I'm ready.
Kurt still couldn't quite believe the words, but knew he had to file them away for another time, preferably when he and Blaine had talked about the more important things in this book. Which meant Kurt had to get the rest of the book read so he could get over to wherever Blaine was and talk to him about it. Pronto.
But he still hesitated for a second before turning the page, knowing what was coming up. Of course Blaine had ended up coming over to 'help' Kurt out... and Kurt had not only made a fool of himself, but practically ordered Blaine out of his bedroom. Of course they had made up, but the subject had never really been brought up again.
Now it was going to be.
I feel like such a fool.
Wait, what? Kurt stared at the page in disbelief again. Why does he feel like a fool? I'm the one who embarrassed myself completely!
I thought I was doing the right thing, coming over to try and help you be sexy. I mean, how ridiculous is that? I'm laughing at myself right now. I don't know the first thing about being sexy and I think I can help you? And then I went and tried to talk to you about sex, telling you that I'd tell you what I knew. That just made me sound seedy, I know, or like I've got experience. Which I haven't. Everything I found out is off the internet, just like I told your dad.
I hope you know about that by now, otherwise I've just really put my foot in it. But yes, I was the one who told your dad to give you The Talk. I just didn't know how else to get the information to you - clearly it would be too awkward to hear it from me and a minute after offering I felt like an idiot because I don't know how well I would have been able to explain things anyway without getting really awkward myself. So I hope your dad doesn't hate me, I hope you don't hate me and I hope the next time I see you, I can look at you without blushing.
I learned today that you are endearingly innocent, and as stubborn as a freaking mule. Neither one makes me like you any less.
Kurt rolled his eyes. Yes, he did know about The Talk - it had been the first question he had asked his father the moment he had come down to breakfast the next morning. He knew his dad wouldn't know where to get that kind of information and had an inkling that Blaine might not have gone straight home. When his suspicions were confirmed, he hadn't been sure what to think. Part of him had wanted to go and scream at Blaine for meddling in his business, but the more rational part reasoned it out. Blaine clearly cared about him as a friend and wanted to make sure he was safe.
Except now Kurt knew Blaine cared about him as more than a friend. Or, at least he figured he did, considering Kurt's fingers were scratching at the back cover as he reached to turn the page. This is the last one...
Hands shaking, Kurt flipped to the final page where the writing was almost illegible.
I came to write in this while you were gone for the weekend. I didn't even realize I was up to the last page until I got here.
My original message was that I missed you. And not just like I'd miss anybody else. And I think I finally realized that I'm in love with you. So I lied when I said my feelings would be the same as they were when I first started writing this - they've just gotten a million times stronger.
What a fitting message for the last page.
Kurt, I'm going to go disappear now. I'll stay in that place until 6pm tonight - I hope you know me well enough to know where I am. If you don't come by then, I'll know you don't feel the same and we'll never have to speak of this again. I hope we can still be friends.
What have I learned? Well, that's simple.
I love you, Kurt Hummel.
Kurt stared at the final page, unblinking. His fingers hovered over the words, scarcely daring to touch them as if they might fade away if he did.
Blaine loves me.
One final tear spilled down his cheek, and then Kurt was smiling wider than he ever had in his life. Blaine loves me!
He checked the message again, noting the current time - 4:20pm. He had just over an hour and a half until Blaine would decide that Kurt wasn't coming. But Kurt was coming, and he knew exactly where Blaine was going to be as well.
When Blaine had first given him the tour of Dalton on his first day, they had gone through all of the usual classrooms and study areas that Kurt had needed to know about, before Blaine had stopped. "There's somewhere else I want to show you, but you need to keep it a secret, okay?"
Mystified, Kurt had agreed and Blaine had led him up yet another flight of stairs and down a corridor that looked like it didn't get a lot of use. "Old languages wing," Blaine had explained, stopping at the end of the corridor and gesturing for Kurt to take a look around the corner. Tucked into a small nook was an area with a small ledge and a window looking across all of Dalton. "This is where I come to think. I haven't shown anybody else this because I need some time to myself sometimes - I mean, we all do. But I wanted to show you so you know where to come and find me if you ever need me, okay?"
Kurt had been absolutely touched by the gesture... and come to think of it, it was probably when his crush had first started developing. And now Kurt had the knowledge he needed to make sure Blaine could be his.
Closing the book, Kurt tucked it under his arm and headed out of his room, passing David on the way who gave him the same look he had gotten as he entered Dalton. And Kurt realized that David knew what was going on, especially by the way his eyes dropped to the book, now being passed between Kurt's hands. "You're doing the right thing?"
David put a hand on his shoulder briefly before entering the room and closing the door behind him. Feeling strangely emboldened, Kurt headed off.
Climbing all the sets of stairs that Dalton held had never been Kurt's favourite thing, but right now he barely noticed them. All he could focus on was the words in the book, replaying over and over in his head - I love you, Kurt Hummel - and what he was going to say to Blaine when he saw him. Which, right now, he had no idea about.
Before he knew it, he had reached the final staircase. Taking one last deep breath, Kurt began to climb, making it to the top far sooner than he realized. Kurt felt strangely calm, even though he knew he should be nervous. Blaine had just handed him his heart, after all, and it was now up to Kurt whether he saved it or broke it.
But Kurt knew what he was going to do.
The corridor was silent, and Kurt started to wonder whether he was too late, whether Blaine had actually given up earlier and decided that Kurt wasn't interested. But then the sound of shuffling could be heard, like Blaine had switched positions on the seat, and Kurt knew he was there. Blaine is right around that corner, and you're about to go around there and say - what?
Kurt still didn't know. But he found his legs carrying him down the corridor before he could stop himself. He paused for a split second before glancing around the corner, knowing what to expect but still feeling his breath leave him at the sight.
Blaine was staring out the window, his back to Kurt. One leg was spread across the window ledge, the other tucked up against his chest with his head resting on it. His hair was ungelled for a change and he was dressed casually. Kurt took a moment to stare at him - this boy right here loves me - before clearing his throat softly. "Hi."
Blaine froze before turning slowly, dropping his leg to sit up properly. "Hi," he murmured, and the uncertainty was so strong in his voice that Kurt's heart nearly broke. Blaine's eyes were focused on the book in Kurt's hands. "I see you... got it."
Kurt opened his mouth to reply, taking a deep breath. Then he was pulling Blaine up off the seat, kissing him with everything he had in him.
After a second of hesitation, Blaine was responding, and Kurt knew he was throwing everything into it - every single word in that book, and all the ones he had never written or said. Kurt would know, he was doing the exact same thing. Their wordless conversation continued for a few more seconds until they broke apart, staring at each other silently.
"So... you feel the same?"
Kurt stared at him for a moment longer before suddenly laughing. "Oh my god.. I love you, Blaine."
And then Blaine was crying and Kurt understood. Every word he had read in that book was from this boy right here - the scared, insecure, inexperienced teenage boy who had been so afraid that Kurt was going to reject him but had put his heart on the line anyway. The boy who had wanted to bring everything that he thought Kurt needed, and judging by his letters, had brought none of that.
The boy Kurt Hummel loved with all of his heart.
"I love you," he whispered again, pulling Blaine into his arms. "You. Not the person you think you should be. Just you, only you."
"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered into his shoulder. "I know I've been such an idiot lately -"
Kurt pulled back and kissed him softly, shutting him up. "Stop," he said quietly. "I understand." And really, he did.
Blaine shook his head, staring at him for a few seconds as if he had never seen Kurt before in his life. "I love you," he murmured, the words almost awestruck. A second later, the most beautiful smile blossomed across his face, and Kurt realized that Blaine had just said the words to him for the first time.
"I love you too," he murmured, watching Blaine's smile grow and feeling his own do the same. And then their lips were meeting again, almost feverish as if to ask the other where have you been all my life?
The book had dropped between them, landing at Kurt's feet. Later, they would pick it up and curl up together on the window seat, going through all the pages together; talking, laughing, crying and comforting, until it got too dark to read. Then they would lie together in each other's arms, Blaine holding Kurt close as if he couldn't believe that Kurt was really there.
But for now, they continued kissing, knowing there was plenty of time for serious things later. Right now, it was about each other and the love that had been kept a secret for so long which was finally allowed to be shared.