A/N: Picture link here
http: / / askskaia(dot)tumblr(dot)com /post/8810060505/tg-see-egbert-tg-this-is-why-im-not-the-prank
Your name is Dave Strider, and today started out as a pretty good day.
It was normal- you woke up, drank a bottle of apple juice from your secret closet stash, and managed to mix a few sick beats before you had to head to school. There, you met up with your best buddy Egbert and your ecto-sister Rose and went to your first class, waving hi to John's half-sister Jade as she scrambled past you in hopes of reaching her own class on time.
Of course, once in class and ready to sit down your chair disappears, causing you to fold gracefully to the floor. John's snicker gives you all the evidence you need to know whodunit- the guy's been obsessed with filling his prankster's gambit lately.
You just stand up, dust yourself off, and give him a look through your shades. The aderpable smirk you get back almost makes up for it. Almost. You're still vowing to get him back somehow.
Completely ironically, of course.
The need for revenge increases exponentially throughout the day- it seems that John's been focusing his pranks almost exclusively on you, from switching all the covers on your books around so that you take the wrong ones to class, to actually tying your shoelaces together somehow when you're not looking. He even managed to stick a 'kick-me' sign on your back- you have absolutely no clue how he managed to, you were watching him like a hawk all day.
Once the end of the day comes, you're seething with a very ironic need of revenge, but your face shows nothing behind your pokerface (thank jegus for your shades, though, you've been doing some serious glaring today). Jade and Rose wave goodbye- the two are going over to Rose's house to work on a project together while you chill with Egderp for the evening, and hopefully get back some of your own.
Of course, the question remains, just what are you going to do?
Jegus, coming up with this stuff is hard.
You've been sitting and playing videogames for half an hour now, mind still a blank until John suggests that you both have something to eat- then a completely diabolical plan comes to mind. You motion for him to keep playing, telling him that you'll fix some soup or something, and he grins widely at that and replies that he might as well go and take a shower then.
Phase two of your brilliant prank comes into mind then and you nod, carefully concealing your expression. John runs upstairs and as soon as you hear the shower start you get down to business.
First, steal his glasses.
This is managed without too much of a fuss- he's singing (horribly, you wince, and completely unironically) in the shower and his glasses are on the edge of the sink, close to the door, so it's no problem at all to snitch them. You run back downstairs with an internalized chuckle, implementing phase two- ironic food- switching. The classic salt-for-sugar gambit, mixing up a few herbs and spices while you're at it, and adding a can of peanut crumbs you had left over in your bag from something or other as a final flourish.
You don't do anything to the soup you're making, however- you know John would get instantly suspicious (and besides, you have to eat it too.)
Seeing him coming downstairs and bumping into the wall with a displeased noise is possibly one of the dorkiest (and most adorable) things you've seen him do.
Of course, you don't say this out loud, simply pouring out a few bowls of soup and dusting them with the peanut crumbs instead of breadcrumbs, secretly wondering if he'd even notice.
He just eats the soup with that huge dopey grin, complimenting you on how it tastes.
You've been playing video games for another half an hour before John makes a funny noise in his throat. You look over, noticing his face is all red and that his nose is running a bit. You offer him a tissue but he shakes his head, dropping his controller from suddenly shaky hands. You note how his breath suddenly seems super loud and harsh and your brow furrows. "You okay, Egderp?"
It takes him a few seconds to answer, and your stomach clenches when you hear how suddenly hoarse his voice is. "D-dave, I – I think I'm gonna-" is all he manages to wheeze out before he clutches his stomach and staggers out to the kitchen.
When you hear him violently tossing his cookies into the stainless-steel sink you drop your own controller and run out there. He's clinging onto the counter like his knees can't support him any longer and in the harsher fluorescent lighting his face is so red, it looks like it's swelling and then John's collapsing to the floor, gasping for breath and you're on your knees beside him, asking him if he's alright in a very uncool tone of panic. He's got a tight grip on your shirt, his eyes meet yours and he looks bewildered- and then he lets out a whimper, and clutches his chest, and he's whispering that he can't breathe and that's fucking it- you've got your iPhone out and you're dialing 911 like your life depends on it.
And in a way, it does.
Jegus fuck the rest of the next two hours is an absolute blur, what with the ambulance roaring into the driveway and the paramedics separating the two of you- you almost fight them but they promise that you can ride in the ambulance with him. You think you call Rose at some point on the way there- anyway, she, Jade, and their Dad are at the hospital within ten minutes of you getting separated from John and left standing in the waiting room, staring blankly after them. Dad wastes no time in speaking to a nurse and heading further into the emergency room while Rose and Jade flank you, both looking quite upset.
You don't even want to know what you look like right now. You're just thankful for the shades.
Your consciousness sort of skips forward a few minutes, to where you're sitting with your face pressed firmly into your hands, Rose and Jade squashed tight to either side of you, and you're sure Bro would have made some sort of comment about you having all the bitches (all of them) but you're in no mood to think of that right now. Someone's shaking so hard it's making your view of the floor wobble back and forth- you're pretty sure it's Jade but when you make some sort of comment about it she just hugs you tighter and you realize oh- that's me…
"Dave." Rose's low voice has never been more welcome- it makes you snap out of whatever daze you'd been digging yourself into and turn your head the slightest bit to look at her. "What happened?"
"…dunno." You wince at how wavery your voice sounds, almost like you're about to cry, but that's ridiculous. A Strider never cries. You're too shaken still to embellish your words like usual, so you just give Rose the barest minimum. "We'd been playing video games and then he went and took a shower- I nicked his glasses and switched some of his condiments around- y'know, to get back at him for everything he did today. We had some soup, I put some peanut shit in there for flavor instead of breadcrumbs-"
Your voice trails off as Jade stiffens and gasps beside you, and then there's a loud crack and a horrible pain in your cheek and you're sprawled out on the linoleum. Everything's too bright- she must have knocked your sunglasses off and you'd scrabble for them if Jade wasn't suddenly pinning you down, hand raised to deliver another stunning punch to the face. "Whoa whoa whoa!" You raise an arm to defend yourself but hell hath no fury like a riled Jade, and she lands another good one on your cheek before Rose pulls you away. "The fuck was that about?"
"You shithead!" she yells back, struggling to get back to you, but Rose's grip is firm. "You complete asshole, Dave Strider!" But she's crying now, and Rose looks like she's turned into a ghost, and you're still confused as hell.
"Dave-" Rose manages to wrestle Jade back into her seat where she puts her face into her hands and cries. She turns back to you and all of a sudden you don't want to know what she's about to say.
But she says it anyway.
"John is severely allergic to peanuts."
Your name is Dave Strider, and today you might have killed your best friend.