A few months ago I went to Chile on what it was supposed to be a Survivor- like experience. I did a number of ludicrous things. E.g.: I ate the insides of an insect which, according to our guide were "eatable". I figured that if I had tasted a bug's guts I might as well write this fic.

PS: In Chile creeks are deeper and colder than they appear.



********************************HERE IT GOES***************************************



(Star Wars like letters and music. A deep voice starts to narrate)

Not so long ago in a forensic lab not far away, the forces of evil known as "criminals, murders, serial killers and such" were engaged in a gruesome fight against the powerful forces of good and justice known as Crime Scene Investigators (CSI's for short)...

So far the tools of good had been unknown to us common people. But today, you will witness the fine process of handling evidence that enables the CSI's to catch the evil forces that prowl about the streets, suburbs, supermarkets, casinos, houses and strange hotels with weird pools of Las Vegas...

(cut to..)

[Grissom, Warrick, Catherine, Sara, Nick and Greg are sitting in break room. The camera zeroes in on Grissom, who's wearing his best poker face]

Nothing will divert their attention from the overriding task that rules their lives and controls their schedules: catching the creepy, psycho and sometimes completely normal and socially functional murderers…

[The camera is now doing a close up on Sara who's looking at Grissom as if he were about to reveal the secrets of the universe]

You will see how crimes are solved and you will learn about the people that make Las Vegas a reasonable place to be murdered in, 'cos you can bet your rotting corpse that the murderer will be caught by Grissom and his team…

[Grissom flashes a winning smile and says something we can't hear, Warrick frowns and shakes his head as he throws a bunch of cards over the table in sign of defeat. Catherine grabs a small envelope and reads]

Catherine: "Scarlet, in the kitchen with the rope, and Grissom wins again. That's it, you're not playing anymore."



(Commercial)



Host: "Helloooo lovers of forensics and crime scenes!! Welcome to yet another session of "Out righteously illegal snooping". Today we'll have a special episode of this show, owned by PPSBC (Professional People Snooping Broadcasting Company). If you hadn't had the exquisite pleasure of watching this show before you're an ASS. Anyway, hang on to your rubber gloves & print powder because your about to experience the time of your life!!

To the newbies that are watching this show and wondering what the heck is about, I'll explain. The concept is simple. Every month the audience votes for the interesting person or persons they want us to snoop. At the end of each month we show you how this people live their lives.

We SNOOP them, we put cameras EVERYWHERE. If you have an ounce of moral conscience or any respect for privacy what-so-ever change the channel now, because our sick feeble brains don't understand the meaning of those foreign concepts. We're so immoral that we can make the paparazzi's look like toddlers with cameras, no, better! We can make Stalin look like a ---"

Director (form his 'directing booth'): "Ok that's enough, Jimmy, point taken."

Host: "Anyway, as I was saying, tonight we'll review all the tapes of the mini cameras we installed in key places of the natural habitat of the victims of the month plus (he starts reading from a card) quizzes, snippets of Barbara Walter's 20/20 Special about the LVPD (he flips the card) naked woman slapping each other in a pool of Froot Loops, lots of beer (he frowns), strippers, handcuffs, skinny dipping in a public fountain??…wait a sec---this is John's bachelor party list! Sorry folks, there will NOT be any of these things."

(collective disappointed 'ahhhhhh' from the audience)

Host(grinning): "But we'll have quizzes (a beer can smashes his head)"

Can thrower: "I WANT THE STRIPPERS, YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR QUIZZES UP YOUR---"

Host: "LET'S check out the victims of the month, shall we?"

[Applause. The screen splits in five squares with the pictures of Sara, Gil, Nick, Warrick, Catherine and Greg. The audience goes wild when, by mistake, a picture of the Host in Scooby-Doo boxers appears on the screen]

Director (giggling inside the booth): "Crap."

Host (not noticing the technical problem): "You chose them we snooped them! To make this night more interesting we will have little quizzes that, if you're the first to call to our number and give us the correct answer you will receive one of this CSI memorabilia:

1-a few hairs that belonged to Sara Sidle's head (item difficult to obtain now because of the "Restraining order" she filed against us and the two scary-Mohamed-Ali-like bodyguards she has tagging along her all the time),

2-"Bobo", the self-healing dummy Warrick and Catherine used in the McCall case,

3- a cool poster that says: "Celebrity Death Match Dream ep: Grissom Vs. Holmes&Watson" and has a picture of Grissom knocking off Holmes's teeth with a magnifying glass while Watson is attacked by Grissom's tarantula,

4_ Sarah's electrocuted pickle,

5_Warrick's locker….

Warrick(finding an empty space where his locker used to be): "Where the hell is my locker??"

The list is never ending. Before we start showing you the intimate moments the CSI tribe shares when they think no one is looking, here's the first quiz:

What is Grissom's favorite hobby?

a) Designing little chairs and tables for the insects of his insect farm,

b) Utter long, tiring and puzzling but yet insightful comments that leave everybody with the urging desire to call a Swahili translator or wish they had paid more attention to Shakespeare in high school.

c) Play 'fetch' with his pet tarantula

Host (near a microscope shaped telephone): "C'mon people we're expecting your calls!"

(Commercials)



TBC…

"Reviewing fics prevents cardiac related deceases."

Honest to God, my cardiologist said that to me last week.