Disclaimer: don't own the gang. As I have stated before, I do plan to kidnap them someday. I own the Host a.k.a 'Jimmy'. Don't sue me, all you'll get anyways is my beloved goldfish named 'Grissom'.
Summary: Spying cameras+ crazy scientists + this fic = Discovering what your CSIs do when they think no one is watching.
Author's notes: Thanks to Samantha for the beta reading!
Well, it's been a long time. My muse flat-lined halfway through "The Nightshift's Cabin" (yes, Nikki=CrazyAngel, we're one and the same) right around the same time I picked up this old but not forgotten fic.
I hope at least I can make you laugh once.
Feedback: I once said I was an 'archive' slut. . .well I'm a feedback slut too. Anything's fine with me. Flames will be erased from my memory with that thingy Will Smith used in "Men in Black".
(Back from commercials)
Host: "After a long long long loooooong commercial, we're back. Due to low ratings, the producers of this show have decided to broaden its horizons. Attract more eyeballs. In lamest terms: IT'S SEX TIME! YEAH BABY, YEAH!
(Clears his throat)
Anyway, I'm going to address a very important subject: sexual tension. Oh yeah people, it's everywhere around that sexually-turbo-charged lab. As my Uncle Pip and my ol' Auntie Gunda used to say just before they got tragically squashed to death by a snow plough: "Winter, summer, fall or spring; indoors or outdoors. . . there's always time for a quickie."
Amen. If they were breathing, my long departed aunt and uncle would add: 'winter' and 'outside' are the less recommended combo.
So, bouncing back to sexual tension. You would think our CSIs fight this overriding physical need with extreme efficiency. Because after all. . . they are professionals. Out! Out! Damn lust! Right?"
(cut to. . . )
[Brass enters Grissom's office. All the lights are out but for some strange plot-fitting reason Brass feels compelled to enter.]
Brass (turning on the lights): "Griss?"
[Grissom's desk wobbles. Brass recoils, frightened. Brass frowns.]
Brass: "Griss? Are you there or did I just experience a Poltergeist?"
[The desk wobbles again and this time the heads of very flushed Griss and Sara pop out from behind the desk, grinning like idiots.
During the second Brass glances back at the hallway -to check that no one else is watching the scandalous sight- Sara cunningly snatches a pen from Grissom's desk and tosses it under the furniture. Grissom frowns at Sara's irrational behaviour.]
Sara (hair ruffled, same pen in hand): "Here's the pen you dropped."
Grissom (a lipstick kiss on his cheek and something tangled around his neck): "(catching on) Riiiight, yeah, we've been looking for this for hours. . .."
Brass (arching one eyebrow): "I'm sure you were."
Grissom: "Thank you, Sara. Now you can go back to the lab and. . . go analyse something and bring me back the results to compare with. . ." (his eyes dart around, looking for the words.)
Sara: ". . .with something else?"
Grissom (relieved): "Yes, right. Go."
Sara: "Sure, sure thing. I'll analyse. Well, gee look at the time. I have to. . .analyse something. See ya."
[Sara and Griss stand up. Sara slinks towards the door but Brass taps her on the shoulder as she walks by. She stops and turns around.]
Brass (smiling): "Aren't you forgetting something?"
[Sara frowns then glances back at Grissom. She gasps. Shyly, she walks back to Grissom and disentangles her bra from round his neck.]
Grissom (referring to the bra): "Hmm, yes, I-I think that belongs to you (squirming under Brass's questioning look) It fell from (points at the roof). . .and it was on my neck 'cos. . .(chuckles and waves a hand) you know it's such a hilarious story actually, you see. . .she tripped and-"
(The tape is cut short and the Host appears, his eyes narrowed. He arches an eyebrow.)
Host: "She tripped, Grissom? (shakes his head disappointedly) She tripped and by a magical halt of like a hundred laws of physics and biology she sprouted forensic wings and flapped her way under your desk. Makes sense. . .if you're doped.
Lusty entomologists never give good excuses. Politicians are the opposite. Surprise a married Senator in a bath tub, butt naked with three Playboy Bunnies and he'll come up with a plausible explanation at the drop of a hat. Grissom however. . .boy does he needs more practice. I'm sure Sara'll help him. We all know she's a wicked one.
Well, later, in another room, while a suspect confessed to a triple murder, Warrick and Catherine fought the lust beast too. Reaching similar results.
Lust/love 2 Abstinence 0.
So, near the end of the shift, Grissom and the band have accomplished their propose of the day: locking up all the bad guys in jail. Now the problem is, what to do until the end of the shift?"
[Warrick is sleeping on a chair, snoring with his mouth wide open. Grissom is eating a salad and reading "Weathering Heights", Catherine went to see her daughter, who has grown 20 inches, shaved and dyed her hair a puke-green since she last time Cath saw her. That leaves Nick, Sara and Greg a.k.a The Trouble Triplets.]
Sara (staring evilly at Warrick): "Guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
[Greg's face lights up and he almost falls off his chair. Nick chokes on his sandwich.]
Greg (exited): "What motel do you want?"
Sara (momentarily puzzled): "Motel?-No, you horny nut (points at the sleeping Warrick) Warrick."
Nick (catching Sara's drift): "Ohhhh, you want revenge."
Greg (whispering to Nick): "Revenge for what?"
Nick (taking a bite of his sandwich): "Warrick accidentally pepper sprayed her last week. I still think it was an accident. Sara here thinks otherwise."
[Greg starts to giggle. Sara darts them a look cold enough to turn them both into Popsicles. Neither Greg nor Nick see Sara's deadly glare.]
Nick: "You should've seen her dance, man! 'My eyes! My eyes!' (covering his eyes and imitating Sara) squirming and poking at her eyes with her knuckles. . .ahh, that is a memory I will cherish forever."
Greg (grinning): "Where was I? Why didn't you call me?"
[Sara smacks him in the back of the head. That prompts Greg to switch to a serious expression before more bodily harm is inflicted upon him.]
Greg: "Warrick should pay. I'm at your service Lady Sidle."
Sara: "Great, 'cos I have an idea and I need a couple of extra arms (smiles)."
[The camera freezes on Sara's evil smiling face and Greg and Nick looking at each other wondering, 'what is she talking about?' and 'would it involve nakedness or body painting?']
Host (staring at Sara's face in a T.V screen besides him): "Vindictive little thing, ain't she? Her devilish idea won't be revealed until the end of the show but I assure you it will have serious consequences on poor Warrick's mental health.
Now. . .question: Did you notice how sharp-eyed this CSI are? Question: Did you notice how they would go to any lengths to gather evidence? Question: Do you ever wonder, "how do they do it?" Question: Do you think I would look pretty in a thong?
Host (raising his hands): "Okay. Question: Would you like to see the EVIDENCE GATHERING PROCESS? A T.V roller coaster ride of this crucial part of a CSIs job? Would you? Well, you're gonna."
EVIDENCE GATHERING PROCESS.
STEP ONE: "Localize the evidence."
[The team arrives at a crime scene. After ten or so minutes of speculating and flashbacking to the night of the murder, Grissom's telescopic sight zeroes in on a tiny-microscopic-particle of 'something suspicious that would eventually prove to be groundbreaking evidence' on the right corner of a 20 feet high living room ceiling.]
Griss (cocks his head in his 'I found something nobody else has' way): "Do you see what I'm seeing?"
[Everyone looks up, down, to the left, to the right, in their pockets. Everywhere. They don't know where the heck to look.]
Griss shuffles a chair under a chandelier. He hops on the chair, clutches to the chandelier and starts swinging back and forth like a hyper-monkey. He summersaults in the air and onto a trampoline then flies in the air like a space squirrel and clings to the walls like Spiderman. Then he takes out an evidence bag and a pair of tweezers from his pocket and lifts a microscopic sample of the evidence.]
Host: "Those aerobics classes are doing wonders for Grissom."
EVIDENCE GATHERING STEP TWO: "Collect the evidence."
[Balancing on top of a very high ladder, Sara grunts. She's stretching herself almost to the point of breaking in half to reach the evidence. She has the tweezers in one hand. Warrick and Nick gape at their team-mate from the floor; they were appointed the task of stabilizing the ladder.]
Nick (staring up as if he were watching a flying trapeze show): "Ten bucks she breaks an arm."
Warrick: "You're on."
[Warrick and Nick knock their fists together while they take out the bet money. Who is stabilizing the ladder? No one, that is who.
Seconds later they hear an 'Ahhhhhhhh' followed by a dull thud and a tortured female moan. Forgetful boys, these two.]
EVIDENCE GATHERINEG STEP THREE: "Try not to lose the evidence."
[The Tahoe is parked in front of a crime scene, behind a police car. After collecting all the evidence, the team opens the back door and stashes their kits inside. Grissom shuts the door close just as the police car speeds away to another mission. The Tahoe starts to glide forward, down the sloped street.]
Warrick (trotting beside the moving vehicle and peeking inside): "The handbrake's off!"
[Seeing the futility in chasing the car Warrick stops and the team watches their car-and their evidence-gain speed and ride peacefully down the street. The car starts to veer slowly to the left, onto the sidewalk.]
Sara (covers her eyes with her hands): "Oh crap, not again."
[The Tahoe uproots mailbox after mailbox until it collides with a dumpster.]
Host: "So, to end this segment, we want you to see them outside their natural habitat, relaxing in some corpse & stench-free green place. So here there's a slight change from CSIs to CSOs or Crazy Scientists Outdoors.
The site: a park.
The occasion: a picnic organized by the Sheriff as part of a bonding program he came up with while leafing through 'The Hip 'n' Cool Sheriff Weekly'."
[The camera is hidden behind the bushes but the image zooms in and you can see them up close]
Host: "Before you turn into a cyber-snoop and experience the beautifully illegal sensation of invading other people's privacy, there's something you need to know. The team is a itty-bitty more relaxed than law requires for driving. (Coughs and clears his throat) They're drunk."
[Grissom is holding a bat in a not too professional fashion. The bat is practically hanging across his back and he's swaying slightly with the breeze, just like his cuter than cute catcher Nick.]
Griss (slurring): "Come on Cath! I'm falling asleep here!"
[Cath is wearing a baseball cap that is way too big for her head. She looks like a Matel experiment of a 'Baseball player Barbie' gone awfully wrong. She finishes the glass of wine she has in one hand and smiles sweetly at Grissom. She looks. . . bubbly]
Cath (putting down the glass): "Chill out G-bug (she assumes the position to throw the ball, right leg bent at the knee and at waist level.) Oooook, here we go!"
[Grissom prepares himself. Cath lifts her leg too high and she crumples backwards to the ground in a giggling heap. Nick chuckles and Grissom snorts a laugh but quickly urges his fallen comrade to throw the ball before he starts wearing diapers again.]
Cath (cap askew): "Ok, here we go again." (repeats the movements but doesn't fall down)
[Grissom groggily swings the bat, missing Nick's head by millimetres. Defying all odds, the bat actually connects with the ball. Carried away by his own momentum, Grissom twirls around on his heels after hitting the ball and smacks Nick square in the back of his head.]
Nick (scratches the back of his head and looks back): "Rats, what the hell happened?"
[Catherine, Grissom and Nick watch the ball go up and then down. Backfield, Warrick and Sara look up and start to run backward, arms outstretched, gloves ready.]
Sara (baseball shirt on, cap backwards): "I got it! It's mine!"
Warrick (running the same direction Sara is but from the opposite end of the field): " No, it's mine!"
[The ball continues to drop while Warrick and Sara continue to run backwards. Catherine, Nick and Grissom stare at the falling sphere as if it were a bomb that had just been dropped from an enemy airplane when BANG! Warrick and Sara collide, bounce off each other and fall flat on the ground. The ball lands on Greg's glove.]
Greg (grinning): "I got it!" (looks down at Sara and Warrick) " 'Sucked at sports', huh Sidle?"
Host: "And this was before the third bottle. . .."
(cut to. . .)
[Nicky-boy is at the bat. Cath 'The Drunk Kitty' Willows catches and Sara 'Crazy Giggles' Sidle pitches. Nick and Catherine stare at Sara as she gulps down a glassful of wine as if it were Evian water. The girl likes her wine.]
Sara (tossing the glass near the picnic basket): "Now, what were we playing?"
Cath (squatting at Nick's feet and hardly keeping her balance): "Baseball, Sara. Are you that drunk?" (hiccup)
Sara: "No." (glances sideways and then squints at Nick) "Grissom, did you dye your hair?"
Nick (similar bating position assumed by Grissom): "Throw the freaking ball, Sidle!"
[Sara narrows her eyes to slits in concentration. She squints back over her shoulder. She proceeds to spit her cherry bubblegum on the ground in order to appear threatening. Nick arches an eyebrow. Sara runs two fingers over the rim of her cap, aims and throws the ball.
Nick swings the bat and misses, the ball hits Cath's glove and due to her light-headed-happy-grape-induced-state, she crumples backwards by the force of the shot.]
Catherine (back flat on the ground): "Striiiiiiiike one!"
[Sara does her 'happy dance' around the imaginary mound. A little hip twisting, a little butt wriggling and she's done flaunting her victory. After helping his catcher to her feet, Nick gets in position again.]
Nick (muttering at Sara): "Smug face. . .."
Sara: "I heard that!" (sticks her tongue out at him.)
[Sara repeats her previews movements and throws the ball again. Nick swings the bat with such force that it escapes from his hands. Cath catches the ball again and falls backwards screaming 'strike two!'. Sara gets knocked out by the fugitive bat and falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Far away, Gil 'Bugs' Grissom, Warrick 'Attitude' Brown and Greg 'Ugly T-Shirt's' Sanders are standing idly but when they notice all the movement, (Sara falling) they spring into action and look to the sky for the ball.]
Grissom (running backwards, glass of wine in one hand, glove on the other): "It's mine! It's mine!!"
[They all run and run and run. . . and run until they start to slow down to a trot and subsequently, to a confused halt. The trio gaze skyward at the same time.]
Grissom & Greg: "Where is it?"
Warrick (after a moment's thought): "Maybe a bird took it."
Host: (smacks the palm of his hand on his forehead) "OF COURSE it was a bird. A bald eagle maybe. That always happens at Yankee Stadium. (faking an announcers voice at a baseball game) And it goes up, up, it's going to be a mighty homerun! LOOK AT THE BALL FLY! It's about to go over the-oh, a pigeon grabbed it! Better luck next time."
(cut to. . .)
[They're still on the picnic but now they're playing football. Or so it seems. The football is stuck up a tree and the team is trying to retrieve it.
Warrick is holding Catherine's feet on his shoulders while she claws at the tree's trunk like a freaked-out cat, trying not to fall down. Nick holds Sara. Both females are close to the football but they can't get a hold of it because of the branches.]
Grissom (supervising the rescue operation from the safety of the ground): "Hey, Cath! You think you could stretch your hand a little bit?"
[Cath grunts and from her lovely mouth all sorts of colourful curses roll out, her vocabulary as rich as an experienced sailor's.]
Greg: "I didn't know you could use 'ass' and 'lawnmower' in the same sentence. She's such a creative woman."
[Warrick decides to help Cath a bit so he stands on his toes. Catherine screams as her head smashes against a thick branch. Cath's shriek startles Nick thus making Sara lose her balance and hurtle to the ground like Newton's apple. She lands on a cushy Greg with a dull thud.]
Host: "One more fall and Sara gets an electric nail clipper or a battery charged nose-hair remover. (lifts up his fist) GO SARA!!"
Grissom (arms on his knees and laughing hysterically): "I'll be damned! Greg, kid, are you ok?"
[Greg is lying on the now dented ground. His eyes look lost.]
Greg (without moving, his speech a bit slurred): "Sure, sure. Sara'sssss light as a feather."
[Cath's feet start to move wildly as she tries to fee her head from between two branches. Warrick moves away, fearing a concussion.
The team stare at Cath's jiggling feet. The sight strikes them as hilarious. After rolling and laughing on the ground until their stomachs hurt, they all fall into a deep silence and look up at Cath's feet, which is all they can see of her.]
Grissom (squinting up): "Cath?"
Cath (from behind the thick wall of leaves): "Are you done laughing?"
[Grissom looks around, everyone nods.]
Grissom: "Yeah." (he pauses) "Can you reach the ball now?"
Host: "Presenting the Las Vegas Bugs!! Yey! Wooppee! Hooray!. . . If they can take a team mate down from a tree, that is.
Instead of a quiz, we have prepared something else. We went to one of Grissom's conferences. We taped it of course. Now you're going to enjoy one of his most recent talks about bugs. His words are hypnotizing and the spiritual meaning. . . (gets all emotional) amazing."
(Cut to. . . )
[Grissom is sitting at a conference table. The place is packed with people. They are practically hanging from the ceiling. Grissom smiles charmingly and clasps his hands together.]
Grissom: "So, bugs. What can I say? Some of 'em have wings, some of 'em don't but they don't get all depressed about it. . ."
Host (moved and teary): "Can't speak, too deep."
Grissom: " . . . they come in all sorts of colours, blue, black, green…you name it, the buggies got it. Some of 'em sting, those are pretty bitchy. You wouldn't want to piss 'em off if you're allergic but if you fancy a nice anaphylactic shock, be my guest."
[The crowd frowns just as Grissom's cell phone rings]
Grissom (lifting a finger at the crowd): "This'll just take a second. . . Grissom. . . If you didn't want to call me why are we speaking right now?. . . What?!. . . Tell her *I* made you boss. . . What do you mean she doesn't want to listen (smiles weakly at the crowd, they smile in return). . . What's that noise? . . . Warrick?. . .(shouting comes from the other end of the line) . . .She's WHAT???. . . (Warrick screams). . . Put her on the phone. .. Just-just put her on the damned phone. . . (sweet voice) . . . Saaaara? It's not your turn be supervisor for one night. . . (yanks the phone away from his ear as Sara screams loudly into it). . .No, it's not Warrick's faul-DROP the chair! Are you running?. . .Are you in the parking lot?. . .(sounds of Warrick screaming and glass breaking). . .I said DROP it, not THROW IT!!" (Warrick screams, the communication is cut off)
Host: "Don't leave your seats, more to come after commercials."
TBC. . .