Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the premise of Dark Angel, James Cameron/20th Century Fox does. I wish I did! Please don't sue me. I'll return them, and no money do I make. If you're from James Cameron's office, I'll even make you cookies as a show of my appreciation. If you're from the network that canceled it...well I'll still make you cookies...you just might not want them. May Firefly prove what DA fans have been saying since the cancellation.
Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Michelle Drake, a very talented writer, and great sounding borad, my best boo Kimmy (iluvaqt), who's always there to encourage me and hear me out, and Erica (Acire Fox), who patiently listens to me talk this stuff out even though she has no idea what I'm talking about most of the time.
Max leaned against the wall of her shower letting the pounding water ease the tension in her body. The warmth eased the aches in her muscles, and made her feel less strung out. It didn't do anything to lessen how tired and defeated she felt though, and it didn't warm her deep inside where the cold was the worst. She wanted to forget that last night had happened, but she'd seen a side of Logan that she'd never imagined, and it left her shaken.
She loved him, of that she had no doubt, because if she hadn't she would have been trying to figure out where to hide his body at the moment. And she knew that she wasn't blameless. She knew that, but that didn't make that choking feeling that rose in the back of her throat when he touched her this morning any easier to handle. She'd never thought it possible for her to ever be scared of Logan, but last night she had been. She'd never thought it possible for her to feel anything but pleasure at his touch, but last night she had. She'd never thought that her trust in him could be shaken, but it had been. Deep down she'd never really thought that he'd believe her when she'd said she was with Alec, she'd expected him to know her better, to know that her love wasn't that malleable. To trust that she wouldn't betray him.
Does he really think that little of me? Does he think that I can just turn my feelings off, or separate my soul from my body? That I can open my self up to just anyone? Just lay there and enjoy it no matter who I'm with, like some kinda whore? She sighed. Of course he doesn't. If he did he wouldn't have stopped. He wouldn't feel so guilty now. But even his guilt over it didn't make her feel any better, so that left her with both of them hurting, and a whole lot of pain, and fear that she just didn't know what to do with. Great, for once can't have something in my life that doesn't end up fucked up? A little happiness after all the shit I've been through? I guess it's just too much to ask.
She sighed deeply, then turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. She pulled a towel around herself and winced at the stiffness as she did so. Oh works gonna be a bitch today. She looked at her reflection grimacing at the sight that greeted her. Damn I look like…well one of Joshua's less than stellar paintings. The thought of Joshua made her smile, and she made a note to herself to go see him soon. At least I know he's ok, Alec's been looking after him for me.
At the thought of Alec she stilled. Now that Logan knew the truth, she was probably going to have to tell Alec that she'd lied, using him as a cover. Oh rank that as number one on the list of conversations that I don't want to have. We're just getting to the point that we understand and trust each other. I'd hate to ruin that. I'd miss having him to talk to. She thought about it, trying to figure out when she'd started depending on Alec, considering him a friend instead of just an annoyance.
I think it was when he helped me steal that movie footage, or the time that he helped me take down gossamer. No…it was after Rachel. You decided that anyone who could love like that couldn't be all bad. You just didn't tell him that…You should have…but you didn't. Watching him there with her, and seeing how he grieved afterwards, you knew. That's when you knew he was more than just another Manticore issue smart ass. Great, another thing to add to my list of sins. Have I done anything right in the last six months???
As she toweled herself off, and towel dried her hair she thought of what she was going to say to Logan if he was still there when she walked out of the bathroom. She listened closely, and even though she could hear sounds in the apartment, they seemed further away than they should. I guess that means he's still here, just not in the bedroom. She clasped the towel and opened the door a crack to confirm her theory.
She sighed in relief realizing that she wasn't going to have to walk out in front of him in nothing but her towel. Yesterday, had the virus not been an issue she'd have been ecstatic about doing just that. But right now…Well right now she wanted to be able to stand in the same room without wanting to jump out of her skin. She thought about other times when she'd been nervous or panicked around him. The time in the hospital when she thought he was going to die, when she read Vertes' case file, when the goons at the genetic conference threw him off the roof, when she was in heat…
Oh shit. She thought for a few seconds. I'm going to be in heat in…three weeks. How are we gonna handle that…What if I jump him? What happens after that, with the way things are right now? Will I feel dirty like I did with Rafer? Or will it fix everything, will I roll over the next morning, and just see Logan the way I saw him before this?
As Max showered Logan looked around the apartment, noting the repairs it needed and the changes he thought Max might like to have made. He knew that having a couple of holes in her sheet rock fixed wouldn't make her forgive him, but it would make him feel better. He remembered the sparse supplies in her kitchen, and made a note to stock that for her as well. Especially milk and tryptophan, anything to help with those damn seizures. He hated to think of them, the way she trembled in their midst. He had seldom seen Max afraid, but the seizures scared her.
He wished so much that he'd have just crawled in bed last night beside her, and held her until the seizures went away. No matter how angry he'd been, that didn't give him the right to take advantage of her moment of weakness. But he had, and now: now he may have lost what he wanted most in life. He might never be able to look over at her and see that beautiful smile, or that devilish twinkle in her eyes. What he wouldn't do to be able to take back the last six months. What he wouldn't give to be able to take away her pain, and the guilt she felt.
You can't change the past Logan, the only thing you can do is make sure you don't make the same mistake twice. He thought that he'd learned that lesson before, after he'd been shot. He thought that he'd learned from his mistake, learned not to take anything for granted. Well I guess not, after all you thought you'd have all the time in the world with Max. You threw away countless of opportunities to have spend time with her, hell you even let the transgenic cause take you away from what could have been the only night you'd ever get to spend with her. Yeah way to go Logan. Did you once think that maybe if you'd been a little more creative about ways to spend time with her, made an effort to show that you could be together even with the virus that she might not have felt she had to lie to you?
Logan continued berating himself, not realizing that Max had walked into the room. She stood watching him cataloguing and analyzing her reaction to him. The spark of desire that always flamed when she first saw him was quickly doused by lingering doubt and a small measure of fear. Before she could bolt he realized that she was there and his eyes met hers. They were the clear blue of the man she'd trusted, not the clouded frenzied ones of the man she'd met last night. His face was marked with lines of deep thought and grief, and there was a sadness in his eyes that she'd never thought she'd see. God I wish yesterday had never happened. I wish I hadn't lied.
He looked over at her, and saw the desire to run stamped across her features. What have I done… "Max?" He took a cautious step towards her, but when he saw her twitch he stopped. "Are you alright? Can I do anything?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm ok. I just…I need some time." He nodded and then stepped away. "I'll call you later."
"If you need anything…"
" I'll call." He seemed content with that and walked away leaving her to do something that she'd wanted to all morning. She sank to the floor and clutched her knees, and sobbed. She stayed there until she had no more tears, and then pushed herself off the floor and angrily wiped her cheeks. This day's going to be rough enough, I better get moving if I don't want Normal bitching at me more than usual. She grabbed her bike from the floor and headed out to Jam Pony.
End Note: For those of you who think Logan's getting off too easy... Remember the first rule of great drama...start small and build. (Anyone who can tell me who said that gets one of James Cameron's cookies :). There is more to come I assure you.
As always comments and reviews are greatly appreciated, as are efforts to keep DA alive. A side note to all strictly M/L shippers. I hear a lot of complaints about everyone writing M/A shipper fic, or Logan bashing. Well, there is something you can do about that, be more vocal. Every M/L writer I know has noted a sharp drop in reviews, and that's discouraging for anyone. So if you want continued Max and Logan fixes, review those that do write the M/L fics. Because right now, while the Max and Alec fans may not be more numerous, they are most certainly louder.
These sites are great places to go if you're into Dark Angel and want it back.
Also Kimmy and I have started a new message board for all you Lydecker fans out there. Please stop by: http://deck.proboards10.com/index.cgi
As always I'm avaiable by e-mail at: firstname.lastname@example.org. Peace Out.