I wanted to write fluff, so here's fluff. As much as I want too, I have never seen Three Men and a Baby, but the title makes the plot obvious. So I own nothing, except for the baby in this.
Gregory House was polishing his piano, his one true love, when somebody rang the doorbell. He glared at the door and limped toward it to let whoever was interrupting him have a piece of his mind.
But he saw nobody at all. "Idiots," he scoffed. He started to turn around, but stopped when he heard a whimper. Arching a brow in confusion, he looked down to see a baby carrier, with a barely awake infant peeking up at him.
He stared down at the baby. "What?" Of course he didn't expect an answer. The baby couldn't help it that it was too young to be smart enough to talk.
He wanted to go inside, but even he knew better than to leave a baby outside. He grunted as he bent down to pick it up.
House set the baby carrier on the coffee table and unwrapped the white blanket. The baby wore a simple white outfit, and he cringed as a foul odor filled the air. Grabbing his cell phone, he called Wilson. "Wilson, someone left a kid on my doorstep. Get over here."
Wilson stared at the phone in confusion before finally driving to House's apartment. When he finally arrived, he stared in awe, having expected House to prank him. "Whose kid is that?"
House was still holding his nose, sitting an arm's length from the baby. "Change it."
"House, this is a baby!" Wilson reprimanded. "Not an it!"
"Oh, I thought it was a chicken. Sorry." House handed him a small bag that he had found behind the baby's seat. "Change the kid so I can get some relief."
Wilson rolled his eyes and scooped the baby up. "Hey there," he cooed, making a silly face. House rolled his eyes at Wilson's goofy antics.
"Don't act like a dorky clown."
Wilson ignored him and changed the diaper. "It's a girl." He threw the soiled diaper away and slipped the baby's tiny onesie back on. "She may need to eat," he suggested as the baby edged his thumb near her mouth.
"Do I look like a baby food fairy?"
"No, you look like someone who should be helping me!" Wilson reached into the bag and found a bottle and some formula. "Hold her while I fix the bottle." He laid the baby in House's arms before he could protest and hurried out of the room.
"Don't leave me alone with her!" House cried. "She'll eat me and then sell my kidneys to a foreigner!"
"I'll make sure your remains go the hospital!"
"Some best friend!" House focused on the baby, who was looking up at him with an amused expression on her face. "What?"
The baby grinned. He had to admit that she was cute…
And looked suspiciously like him. Her eyes and mouth were eerily reminiscent of his own. "You're scary," he said. "Wilson! Get in here with that bottle! This kid gives me the creeps!"
Wilson soon returned, checking the temperature of the bottle. He grinned cheekily at the baby and took her from House. "Let's eat!" he cooed. "Yum yum." He gently stuck the bottle between her lips, and she sucked thirstily, finishing with a content little sigh.
He looked at House. "She looks a little like you."
"And the hooker I slept with last year after we got drunk at that bar."
"House! You think this could be your daughter and you don't care?"
"I forgot to put on my caring clothes today. Oh, that's right… I don't own any. Whoops, ask me when I go buy some."
"Does she have a name?"
"How do I know? I just met her today!" House whined, looking inside the bag until he found a small note.
House… I believe that's your name… at least that's what the drunk oncologist with the funky eyebrows said when you stole his drink. This is your daughter. Her name is Lacy and she is two months old. I'm a drug addict and want her to be safe.
"So she left her with a Vicodin addict?" Wilson scoffed. He smiled down at the baby. "Little Lacy."
"She's not a puppy, she's a human. Treat her like you would any other person."
"House, babies need to be treated gently. Not like patients. Now, hold her." Wilson placed Lacy in his arms.
"I did this already!" House complained. He looked at Lacy. While he could easily see some of his own features, the others were almost unknown. "I wish I remembered the name of the hooker I probably had her with. I bet she was hot."
"You just found out that you're a father! Can't you think about something other than breasts and an ass?" Wilson argued. "You stay with her. I'm gonna go buy things…"
"I'm coming. I'm not staying home alone with her." House buckled Lacy into her seat.
"She won't bite."
"She may possess me and haunt my soul."
"Yeah, like you have a soul." Wilson picked up the carrier. "C'mon, Lacy, let's go shop! Sound fun? Huh?" He tickled her plump cheek, and she cooed in delight.
House moaned as he followed his best friend out of the apartment. This was going to be pure hell…
They finally arrived home, the entire backseat of Wilson's silver Volvo filled with baby things. House had grabbed a travel crib, diapers, and a small changing table, but Wilson had gone nuts and bought a load of clothes, everything from painfully colorful dresses to animal printed pajamas.
"Does she need all that? A couple outfits should be fine." House was cranky after the trip and being forced to carry the baby back into the apartment. Lacy had fallen asleep, and House waited impatiently as Wilson struggled to set up the crib on his own.
"House, help me."
"It's a folding crib. How hard can it be?" House argued. At Wilson's glare, he set the carrier on the floor and helped him set up the crib in his extra room. Wilson changed Lacy into a fresh set of newly bought pajamas and tucked her in while House started on the changing table.
"You made people stare at us," he said.
"House, you threatened to throw Lacy at an employee for asking us if we were gay!"
"You're the one who was cooing over baby clothes." House stood up painfully and limped out of the room.
Wilson sighed and looked down at Lacy. "You have an argumentative daddy, you know that?"
Boy, did she have a lot to learn.
I plan on posting a part two, so review, my ducklings! Maybe you can help Wilson talk sense into House.
AND. The first three reviewers get a cameo appearance! That is if I get three reviews before I update. LMAO.