Today it happened. My secret got out and my life is truly over. Callum and Jude know everything, my father told them. They thought that I was crazy and that I didn't know what happened because I was 'traumatized and fragile' and that my mind forbade the knowledge from me.
But I remember everything. I'd never forgotten. How could I? It was my fault.
The one person I can trust in this world is gone. I know we shouldn't have done it. Noughts and Crosses aren't supposed to mix. I'd never meant to hurt him but he was Crosses and I am a Nought. We should've known that something would happen. I remember that night, the night it ended. Every moment as clear and sharp as the moment it occurred. We were walking together at night. It was dark and I was afraid but Jed was there with his arm around me. His whispered his love in my ear and it made me feel safe. He was such a romantic. He loved the way the streetlights made my hair shine gold and he loved the way I laugh. Jed would tell me the strangest things and murmur only the sweetest nothings in my ear as only he could.
And so we walked. We didn't realize that we were being followed. I didn't know anything bar the fact that with my face nestled into the crook of his neck; I could smell his divine scent and feel the steady beat of his heart. I didn't know of our attackers until they were upon us. If I hadn't been so taken with Jed, I might have noticed the sound of the muffled footsteps that were not our own. I had felt his arms tighten around me; I could feel his anxiousness radiating from the cracks in his calm exterior. He told me to run.
I could've done it. I could have run and maybe Jed would be safe. He'd gripped me harder and tried to pull me with him, trying to make me run away with him but I didn't move fast enough. I couldn't save myself.
A large hand clamped over my mouth. I couldn't scream. I tried to cry out for him to go, to run faster and to escape. These hands wanted to hurt him, not me, they were white hands, my hands. An Nought's. The man behind me taunted me, told me to call for my dagger man to come save me. They didn't think that he would. They didn't think that Jed loved me. Part of me hoped that he would run and be safe but I knew he would save me. We were in love.
He came back. How could he not. He tried so hard to get the men to let me go but it was all for naught. They held me back and out of the way and they hit him. They hit him so many times and he tried so hard to fight back but they just held him down and hit him again and again...
I knew he couldn't take much more. We needed to get away. I used all of my strength and broke free of the man who held me only to be struck by another. He hit me so hard I fell back and while they held down Jed, they beat me and beat me. I could taste my blood lapping against my teeth and my eyes were quickly swelling shut.
I was sure the screaming torrent of fists would never end. I could only feel pain, I'd lost all thoughts of hope and in that moment, I was sure that I was going to die.
They left me for dead, they thought I was. I was slumped against the ally wall, bleeding from cuts all over my body. I could feel my life slipping between my fingers, and I could see Jed, lying barely five feet away, silver dagger where his heart should be. I had to save him, I had to help him. I tried to stand but I couldn't feel my legs, it was as though my body was made of jelly. Jed was so still, so quiet and unmoving. Love blinded my eyes and I felt sick watching the man I adored bleed out in a storm drain. I had rolled onto my belly and crawled to him, crying out for him to wake up, that it was okay. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck and held him. I needed him to be okay, I couldn't live without him. I tried to find comfort in his strength, the beating of his heart that made me feel safe but his pulse was as still and unmoving as I was beside him. My love was gone and my life was gone with him.
I was more then happy living in denial, with Jed in a perfect world. By the God of the Crosses and his Holy son, Jed promised to keep us safe. He promised, and he died. He left me here in a world I hate, a world that hates me.
I know that he visits me. I've seen him. He comes into my room when he thinks I'm asleep and watches. Sometimes he lies beside me and when I am restless he holds me tight as he used to, and he sings. He is keeping a space for me in the heaven of the Crosses. He wants me to be with him, I know.
I've often thought about how I could get there and there is only one way. I must die, just as Jed did. It must be done slowly so I feel the pain as he felt it, and I must die by a dagger, silver and true. My only regret is that my baby brother Callum will still live in this world long after I am safe in Jed's arms. I hope that it will treat him well as it never did me.
Farewell forever Diary,