Disclaimer- Nope, still don't own Glee as of last time I checked.

So yeah I kinda got the idea for this story from that line Santana says in the episode Home. You know the one "You can feel terrible and look great or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here." And we obviously all know Santana looks great, which according to her means you feel terrible. I would really love for someone else to write a fic based on this line, I think there is so much potential in those words. Anyway, on with the story!

Santana Lopez was smoking. She knew that, hell the whole school knew that. In fact she would probably go as far as calling herself the sexiest bitch in that place, because let's face it - she was hot. And as she outlined her lips in pink gloss her image in the mirror totally reflected that, with the knee high leather boots, dress that touched the tip of her ass and hair straightened to perfection. She looked perfect and as she walked out of her room she only wished she could have felt that way too.

It was the annual bi-weekly party at Puck's house, and all the glee kids plus a few other jocks and Cheerios deemed worthy enough would be there. The party was already in full swing by the time she got there, an indication that it was going to be one hell of a night. She grabbed the first bottle she saw, immediately chugging half of it down in one gulp. Maybe the alcohol would help get rid of the pounding in her head, although the logical side of her brain told her it would just make it worse in the morning. Her brain was quickly shut up with another long drink of liquid. She didn't come here to be rational; she came here to get wasted. Well at least that's what she told everybody – none of them were sober enough to realise she had a bottle of coke. Whatever, she could just tell them she had already added scotch to it.

She made her way downstairs to the basement, frowning slightly at a couple making out in the hallway. She wished she could just drink herself into oblivion and forget this whole party ever happened, but that was not an option. Drunk people are sloppy, and sloppy people tell secrets. There was no way anyone could find out about hers, it would just be too risky, hence the soberness. If she had it her way she wouldn't even be here, but being the top dog at school meant reputation was everything and just being at one of Puck's parties raised your rep by at least twenty percent. It was just one of those unspoken rules of McKinley, cool kids partied, others did not. She rolled her eyes as she saw Rachel walking past with a box of pizza. Every rule had its exceptions.

"Would you like some pizza?" The shorter brunette offered to Santana.

"No thanks midget, I had a big lunch." Santana replied disinterestedly, although her heart was racing.

Rachel's brow furrowed in confusion as she processed what Santana had said. "You didn't eat lunch today, I remember because Brittany tried to feed you her fries. You told her that you had a big breakfast!" Rachel declared accusingly.

"Breakfast, lunch whatever, it was a big meal okay! Now get lost hobbit!" Santana snapped, shouldering past the girl to make her way towards a crowd of Cheerios. When Rachel left with no further questioning she let out a sigh of relief, her stomach grumbling in protest. She let out a silent prayer that the music was too loud for anyone else to hear.

Quinn was on her way back from the bathroom when she ran into Rachel, who was still holding the untouched box of pizza.

"Are you serious? You're at a party full of jocks and not one slice of pizza has been taken?" Quinn exclaimed, reaching in to grab herself a slice.

"I haven't been downstairs yet," Rachel offered by way of explanation. "I offered some to Santana but she said something about still being full from breakfast." The brunette shrugged her shoulders.

"Breakfast? That girl hasn't eaten breakfast since middle school. Santana's lactose intolerant and believes that all the best breakfast foods contain milk, so in some weird hard-headed decision of hers she came to the conclusion that if she can't eat the good stuff she won't eat any at all." Quinn exclaimed with a huff of annoyance. "She's worse than a two year old!"

"Can't she just use soy milk?" Rachel asked, wrinkling her nose in thought.

"Doesn't taste the same apparently" Quinn called over her shoulder as she headed downstairs, chewing on her pizza.

Santana sat down on one of the overstuffed couches in the Puckerman's basement. She was feeling a little lightheaded, and her stomach was starting to pain with hunger. It was worth it though – what was that thing she had told Mercedes? Oh yeah, you can either feel terrible and look great or get kicked off the team. Well in her case the social ladder. She was too good of a gymnast for Sue to kick her off the Cheerios. She groaned under her breath as she noticed Rachel approaching her with a determined look on her face, still holding that damn box of pizza.

Rachel glared at her. "I know you haven't eaten today. When was the last time you ate something?"

"It was on day beginning with T" Santana answered cryptically, pretending to scan the room.

Rachel gasped. "You haven't eaten since yesterday?" Santana didn't bother to correct her that the T day she was thinking of was Tuesday, not Thursday. It was close enough. "Santana that's terrible! You have to look after your health! I am not leaving until you eat a slice of pizza!" Rachel screeched, drawing the attention of various other people in the room.

"What are you looking at?" Santana snapped at them, effectively making them divert their attention elsewhere. She turned back to Rachel "I can't eat the pizza anyway, I'm lactose intolerant." She replied smugly.

"It's vegan. No lactose." Rachel replied back equally as smug, crossing her hands across her chest. Santana sighed and weighed up her options. If she didn't eat the stupid slice of pizza she knew Berry would stay there all night, and that would not look good for her rep. On the other hand if she ate the pizza it would not look good on her body. Her stomach let out a large growl, causing Rachel to raise her eyebrows and look expectantly at Santana. With one final decision she reached her hand out, pulling the smallest slice out of the box.

Her tastebuds danced in anticipation as she brought the slice up to her mouth. Gosh how long had it been since she had indulged in something as simple as pizza? She held back a moan of delight as the spicy sauce and vegetables slid down her throat with the hot bread. She polished off the slice quickly, sparing a longing glance towards the box before putting her bitch face back on.

"There I ate it, are you happy now?" Santana snarled, rolling her eyes.

"It's a start." Rachel said whilst pursing her lips. She hadn't missed the look Santana had thrown to the remaining slices of pizza, but she had clearly gotten the message that the Latina was not going to eat anymore. And she was starting to get a suspicion about why, but there was no way she was dumb enough to push Santana any further than she already had tonight. She decided to go out to the garden to get some fresh air and clear her mind, needing a break from her worries.

Santana sat on the couch thinking about what she had just done. She frowned, placing a hand on her stomach. She swore that it was already bloated, making her look fat and ugly. Well at least fat, she could never look ugly, everyone knew that. Her stomach twisted with guilt, feeling worse than it did before when it was empty. Her stomach suddenly lurched, making her run for the bathroom with her hand clamped over her mouth. Leaning over the toilet the contents of her stomach were puked back up, a fine layer of sweat forming on her brow from the effort.

"Hey Lopez," Puck slurred entering the bathroom, "what are you doing here?"

"Drunk too much." The Latina said through gritted teeth, wishing he would go away and leave her to vomit in peace.

"Okay. I'll just go use the bushes out front." Puck said, the words blending together as he staggered back out of the room.

Rachel jumped at hearing the sound of someone puking on the opposite side of the bush she was sitting next to out in the front yard. She rolled her eyes, from the sounds of things the party would probably start winding up soon. After an internal debate she stood up to see if the person needed any help.

"Noah!" She exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing out here?"

"Lopez is hogging the bathroom, said she'd drunken too much. Never was very good at holding her alcohol." Puck managed to spit out before leaning over and heaving into the bush again.

Rachel frowned at this revelation. She had been with the Latina for a good portion of the night, and both times she had seen her she was drinking from the same bottle of coke. And Rachel knew for a fact that there was no alcohol in it because Santana had once admitted during a game of truth or dare that she would rather kiss Jacob Ben-Israel than drink coke with alcohol in it, something about it being to fizzy and bubbly to be enjoyable. Of course Rachel was the only one actually sober enough during that game to remember anything, seeing as how she was often the designated driver. When you're drunk her loud annoying voice makes it easier to just obey whatever she's saying than to try and argue. Which was why, once again, she was at this party sober. Rachel decided to go see what could be causing her also sober counterpart to be throwing up, and she didn't have a good feeling about it.

"Are you stalking me on purpose! What do you want RuPaul?" Santana growled. Couldn't people just leave her alone for five minutes?

"Why were you throwing up?" Rachel asked quietly.

Internally Santana started panicking. Rachel definitely knew something was up with her and that girl was like a dog with a bone, she wouldn't give up until she got what she wanted. How was it that no one thought twice about her eating habits all year, yet Rachel seemed to have figured out her secret in one measly party?

"I know what you're thinking - I didn't throw up on purpose." Santana stated firmly. And it was true, it's not like she shoved her fingers down her throat or anything, it just sort of happened. "You know what this party blows, I'm leaving." Santana walked out, not giving Rachel a chance to question her.

That night Santana stood in front of her mirror, clad in just simple black underwear. She frowned as she looked in the mirror. Yeah she still looked totally hot, she must have gotten rid of all that pizza. She turned to walk off to her bathroom but paused as she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. A jiggle. Her thigh had jiggled. A tear formed in her eye as she pinched the skin there hard enough to bruise. She was useless. What kind of girl couldn't even control the fat on her own body? She sighed as she flopped down onto her bed, a silent tear escaping. It looked like she would have to go for an extra long run tomorrow to make up for it. For just once why couldn't she perfect? Maybe it would get better next week.

Monday morning rolled around, and Santana was walking to school. She glanced down at her phone, checking the time. She was cutting it fine but she should still be there for Glee in first period, not that Mr Schue would really care if she was a little bit late. She could have driven her car, but she had actually eaten dinner last night, if a piece of toast constitutes as dinner, and she needed to work it off before the calories morphed into permanent fat. She tensed as she heard a car pull up next to her, her features relaxing as she recognised Quinn's silver Jetta.

"Get in," Quinn called "you're going to be late otherwise."

Santana slid into the passenger seat after a few minutes of deliberation; she had already walked 2 miles, surely that was enough to burn off a slice of toast. She gave Quinn a slight smile in acknowledgement as she fastened her seatbelt while Quinn pulled away from the curb.

"So where's your car?" Quinn asked politely, but at the same time genuinely curious.

"Mami came home early on Friday, she wasn't too happy to find out that I was at a party." Santana explained, not telling Quinn that she actually wanted to walk. Santana's mother was recently back from drug rehab at age 33 and decided that maybe she should actually give a fuck about her daughter's life instead of going off partying every night. Needless to say Santana was not too happy about the fact her Mami was determined to make up for the crappy 16 years Santana had already lived and all her friends, meaning Puck, Quinn and Brittany knew this. Which of course gave Santana the perfect excuse.

Quinn smiled sympathetically. "That sucks, call me if you need a ride tomorrow, okay?" Santana nodded in response as they pulled in to a parking spot. With a final check to make sure the doors were locked the two girls headed off to the choir room.

Santana slid in to her usual seat in the back just before Mr Schue entered the room. Rachel's hand immediately shot up.

"Mr Schue, I have a song I'd like to sing!" Mr Schuester nodded in approval, motioning for her to go ahead. The piano started to play the opening chords for the song she had selected, and with a quick glance at Santana she launched into the lyrics.

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Rachel chanced a quick glance over to Santana. She was sitting with her arms crossed defensively across her chest, her brow scrunched in a frown as she stared straight ahead with stony eyes.

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

Santana was furious. How could she have let her walls down so much that Rachel could see straight through her? If the rest of the school found out about her, oh god she can't even think about it. No one wants a girl who has to starve herself to stay thin, these days it's all about natural beauty yada, yada, being yourself. Which is just fine, until you leave the magazine ideal of a perfect girl, which Santana was. There was nothing wrong with looking like the magazines, even if you had to sacrifice some things right? Santana glared as she noticed Quinn looking at her. How could Rachel sing something like this in front of everyone?

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

Santana remembered the first day she didn't eat. It was the first day of high school and a senior guy had approached her while she was sorting stuff out in her locker. He had winked at her as he asked what she was doing later that night. Still pissed after her maths class she had responded with a simple 'I'm not sleeping with you' and turned back to her locker. He had become outraged at being so blatantly turned down by a freshman he had shoved her into a locker and whispered into her ear 'You're nothing but a fat Mexican whore. You'll figure out how this works if you want to be popular. Guys like me only want girls who look sexy and will prove it to them.' Santana had cried as he walked away. She would show him. If he wanted hot and sexy he would get it, no matter what the cost.

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

That was the final straw for Santana. She stood up abruptly, her chair flying into the wall behind her. Rachel stopped as the entire club turned to face her, feeling the fury radiating from her.

"I don't need your help!" She hissed as she stormed out of the room. The remaining Glee clubbers looked around bewildered, confused as to Rachel's song choice and Santana's outburst. Only Quinn and Rachel remained calm, both expecting some sort of reaction from the song.

"I'll go." Rachel whispered, slipping out of the room unnoticed by everyone but Quinn. It didn't take her long to find Santana who was curled up in a ball on the floor of the girl's bathroom, mascara running down her cheeks.

"I'm not anorexic! I'm not!" Santana pleaded desperately, tears steadily falling down her cheeks. "I don't mean to throw up! I don't! I'm just so god damn scared!" She sobbed, her breaths now coming out in ragged gasps.

"Shhhh. Hey, shhh. It's okay, everything's going to be fine." Rachel comforted. "What are you scared of?" She prompted gently.

"I have to be perfect! No one wants a girl who isn't perfect!" The Latina wailed. "Tengo que ser perfecta!"

This outburst shocked Rachel. Sure she had expected being scared of getting fat or looking ugly, but being scared of being unwanted? No one her age should ever have to feel like that, ever.

"Santana I want you to look at me," Rachel paused waiting for Santana to meet her eyes. "Good. Now listen. You are perfect Santana, you don't have to starve yourself for that to be true."

Santana shook her head in disagreement. "Brittany didn't want me, even my own mother didn't want me until after all this happened."

"Look Santana I don't know what happened between you and Brittany, and I definitely don't know what happened between you and your mother but you have to believe me. There will be someone out there that will love you for exactly who you are, no matter what you look like. And if they don't then they are not worth one minute of your time."

"And if there's not?" Santana questioned meekly, her eyes wide as she stared at Rachel.

"There is." Rachel stated as she stood up, brushing imaginary dust of her plaid skirt. She paused as she walked out of the bathroom. "You're perfect Santana. Don't ever forget that."

So yeah, that's it. The end. The song was Courage by Superchick, they're a pretty awesome band so check them out! Or just you know leave a review instead. Or do both. Whatever floats you boat...