Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
He saves her from the mean bullies. They try to take away her gummy balls, but she has already told them that she only gives it to children who are nice. She remembers her Daddies using that same kind of method on her whenever she wants something, but doesn't really deserve it because she's been a bad girl or has done bad things. It always works in the end, she listens to her fathers and behaves at her optimum.
But seemingly it doesn't work with every other child. No wonder her dads have called her different. In some way she is, isn't she?
''I won't give it to you.'' He bites her lip, fisting her tiny hands over the gummy balls. She can't believe that a child on the age of four years old could already have such a manipulating threatening look on his face. ''You don't deserve it.''
''We'll tell you when we do deserve it, or not.'' The taller, a bit chubby, black boy grunts out, as he steps forward.
''Yeah, don't you know that sharing means caring?'' His friend David say's. She backs up further and further, her tiny feet moving to the corner of the playground. She wonders for a second there why her teacher hasn't picked up on the proceedings, but then again, her teacher never really liked her. He had always told her that she's a little know it all, and that nobody likes a know it all. If she thus receives a beating or deprivation right here and then, her teacher would probably say; 'You deserved it, know it all. Know it all's get punishment.'
He's just jealous that she's better, smarter and even far more talented then him.
''Please, not the nose.'' She moves her fisted hands to her face attempting to cover up her valuable feature. Her eyes shut close, as she waits for whatever impact to touch her face and empty her hands completely.
She waits and waits, and the fear of them waiting before her, willing her to open her eyes and witness the way they torture her, with the laughter of her teacher at the background, increases. But nothing comes, and nothing is heard.
When she finally dares to open just one eye a bit to peak before her, she witnesses the two devious students scared for their lives. Both of them staring at her. She opens her eyes fully, pulling her fists away from her face to see what they are looking at. It is therefor highly impossible that they would be looking at her like that. She's not really tough, or terrifying to revoke such an action out of them. She's thereby very tiny and probably a feet smaller then them.
''Get the hell away.'' She's surprised to say the least, when she hears a blond boy before her speak up. He has his arms crossed, and he looks just a bit too terrifying for a young boy of four years old. But just seeing his actions, and seeing him react to her bullies, proves her why the fear is haunting their features.
''W-what, if we don't.'' David stutters, trying to look everywhere but him. Her saving hero holds his stare on David, not for a second flinching or showing any sort of weakness... No wonder that the two boys fear him, she would too.
(Honestly, she kinda is.)
''Then I'll make you pay.'' Her hero walks forward, he takes just one step, one little step, one little movement, and that's enough to have the two boys running away towards the teacher. Screaming along the way that Sam Evans isn't playing nice.
She's kinda too shocked to even speak.
He turns around, smiling brightly her way, she returns the smile. And just seeing his lips curve up is enough for her to feel the anxiety dissipate and find the will to speak again. ''Thank you.''
He nods, shrugging like it's no bid deal. However, she does find it a big of a deal and that alone has to be outed. ''No, really, thank you, I'm positive that they would've harmed me in an revocable way, and for you to risk your well-being to save my life, is very well appreciated.''
He looks confused, his brows knitting together. ''What? I donts getz you.'' He purses his lips, his eyes slightly falling to her hands. ''I dunno, but 'm you'd pay me?''
She purses her lips, glaring back at him. ''In what kind of way may that be?''
''If you giv' me some gummaballs, we'd call it even.''
Rachel is shocked, to say the very least. But honestly, as her face softens, and she stares right back at his green hazel eyes, she loosens the grip on the sack of gummy balls and hands him a few.
He deserves it, so why not.
Being ten and finding out that your mother exists but doesn't want anything to do with you, well, that... Just... Simply, sucks.
It hurts her. Not in a I-wish-I-had-a-mom way, but more like, why-doesn't-anybody-love-me? She has her dads, and they cherish her day in and out, they help her to reach her dreams by paying for the vocal trainings, acting trainings, and ballet. They help her. They tell her stories at night. Sometimes when she has had a bad dream and she's sad her fathers give her a glass of water to cheer her up. They tell her about the story of the girl who succeeded and achieved her life goal.
It's about this girl who was poor all her life yet she was rich when it came to friendship and family. She has her own dreams like everybody else and some may exceed higher then the rest, one of them was the dream of becoming a singer. She had a loving family, and her friends adored her, but it wasn't enough to bring her where she truthfully belongs and where she desperately wanted to be.
She tried her hardest and focused on her number one purpose, knowing that one day she will rise above all and dwell among the stars.
It was a touching story, and it was enough to silents her back to sleep with the story clouded in her mind. She would always wake up with a smile attached to her face, and with newly found hope and determination to exceed in her values and dreams.
Her dads are the best, they love her and that's honestly the only thing she really wants. They make her smile, and they fill the empty hole her mother should have filled, completely. Rachel doesn't need a mother, she already has two dads to help her through.
But you know, if her mother missed her and said that she does love her, it could be nice. Dropping by and saying that she will never forget her would be nice too. Telling her that she is the only star in her life, even if she's far away and may never see her shine, would be great too. Just leaving a letter with her, could be okay too. Just that little tiny hope that her mother does care for her, despite leaving her behind, would be enough to put a bandage on that filled hole and make her feel complete.
Instead she hears from a phone call her fathers have had with her biological mom, that she doesn't intend of coming back to Lima.
Not for a very long time.
She pretends that she's fine, but in reality it hurts more then that time she broke her leg during ballet.
She lets her legs dangle as she sits on the bench outside of her house. She's still little and small, and her feet don't reach the stone covered ground, not for a good five inches or so. She stares ahead of her in the mid dark night, and sees out of the corner of her eye, one of her neighbors door opening. She doesn't feel like glancing that way or speak to the person walking up to her.
And he knows that, with only seeing her silent demeanor and withdrawal position that she's not in the mood of talking. He knows her like that, he knows her good enough to know when something's right or something's wrong.
Knowing each other for years does that to people.
He seats his self next to her, closely. Casting just a fast glance her way, before focusing on the sky.
He smiles. ''That looks like a dog.'' He points at the heavens, using his fingers to draw the imaginative stars that look like a dog. She cups her head to the side he's pointing at, squinting her eyes. ''Do you see it?'' He wonders, keeping a hold on the sky. ''That are his ears...'' He moves his fingers to the head moving them along the two triangles that serve for the ears. ''And his tail...'' He moves his fingers slightly to the back, moving it through a long line of stars. ''You see it?''
She does see a figure of a starry dog. ''I do.'' She looks back at Sam, smiling at him. ''Do you see other figures?''
Sam looks back at her, nodding. ''Yeah...'' His eyes trail back to the sky, his fingers moving to another set of stars. ''That's a butterfly.'' She giggles. ''It is, don't you see it?'' She squints her eyes at the heavens, willing herself to have the same amount of imagination as her best friend. ''Those are his wings and his body.'' He moves his fingers around the wings, slowly making a move towards the lengthy body.
''I see it.'' She kinda does. ''Those are his eyes, right?'' He nods, moving it up to the slim tall eyes. ''It's beautiful.''
''Like you.'' She get's this smile on her face, that is big and bright, and somehow the sad emotions that are locked up within her petite body isn't showing in that particularly smile. ''You look just like a star, shiny, and pretty.'' He shrugs. ''You're just like a star.''
She can't help the single tear from escaping her eye. And she knows, without a doubt, that it isn't needful for her to say what's bothering, or has her thoughts hostage. He won't ask, he'll just wait until she feels the need to speak up.
''Because you love her?'' She feels this lump in her throat, this hard thick thing haunting her pipe. She feels her eyes sting, this burning feeling itching her sight. This blurry misty watery fog before her eyes. And her throat just... It just clenches in. And it hurts. She tries swallowing, swallowing, swallowing, but it doesn't leave her throat and it just hurts her too much it hurts her far too much. And she's positive that she's about to cry before him.
(Rachel doesn't want him to see her weakness, though.)
''I'm sorry, Rachel.'' He's not worth it, he's not ever going to be worth it. Not your tears, not your words, not anything. ''I love Quinn.''
It's Quinn, and then it's Rachel. It's Rachel, and then it's Quinn. She's positive, after months being together that he has just gotten sick of her, and needed a blond cheer leading flavor, instead of a Gleeky big mouth brunet flavor.
She's never going to be enough.
''No your not.''
After Quinn, he'll come right back to her. And she's going to accept the tall quarterback, because she always does. She always does.
''I am, really.'' He tries reaching for her, and when she steps back this realization hit's her that she's still at school, and that there are stares piercing into her skin, and curious faces looking her way. He's breaking up with her at school. Before everybody. And if she cries, she cries in front of everybody. Rachel Berry, showing her weakness to the children who have ridiculed her day in and day out.
''You'll never get me back.'' He wants to speak again, but she shakes her head, stopping him from ever talking. ''I'll never go back to you Finn. You've lost me.'' She can't wait for him to talk again, or try to reassure her that everything is going to be alright.
She knows that if she would stay there for another minute, just one last second and hear his voice again, she would fall right back in his arms, crying and willing him to crawl her like this baby who always comes back to his parent, because she can't do anything without him.
But not this time.
Just walk away.
When she turns around, holding her head high and strutting through the hallways, she can see Sam walking up to her.
He doesn't talk, he doesn't ask her anything. He just walks with her to the girls bathroom and stay's there inside with her. He comforts her in the place where she falls and completely breaks apart.
''You want me back in your life?'' She laughs, unhumorously. She can't believe this, after all, after everything that has happened. How can she, her own mother dare to build up the relationship that she never wanted to raise again? After all the days she had cried on Sam shoulders, the questions she had asked her fathers that stayed unanswered. The lonely nights where she dared opening her minds secrets to herself and tell her heart that she does miss her mother, after all those things that have not only made her stronger and build her up to be the girl she is today, she dares to fling her way back into her life?
She won't take this. No, never.
''Rachel hear me out.'' Shelby holds the auditorium chair between her fingers, staring down at her daughter. The girl who has her smile, her facial structure, her talent. The girl who is the tiny her, her own blood. She needs to let Rachel hear her out. ''I've done stupid things... But please.''
She falls inside the chair, crawling her head between her hands.
This too much for her to take in.
She's seventeen when Sam finally comes clean and tells her how he feels. He loves her, but not just as a friend, but so so so much more.
She's flattered, and she knows that she has some feelings for him, somewhere deep inside her heart. But she has never really thought about it, never build up something that could have been or might have been more.
She loves him as a friend. And she can't really bring herself to tell him that their isn't anything more in her heart for him. That there isn't anything more in her body to give to him. She's exhausted for many reasons. And a relationship... She doesn't think she could handle this.
She tells him, that she loves him too...
...As a friend.
Rachel has never seen her best friend more broken.
She told herself that she would never fall for him again. Yet she did, yet she fell, yet she didn't see the holes on the road and the traps lingering beneath her feet. Yet she was too blind and yet she chose wrong decisions and made wrong choices.
Dating him after two weeks of Sam's utterance of his love, was one foolish thing, her friendship with Sam minimizing until it wasn't even noticeable again was another fault she didn't see coming (yet knew it would happen). The fight that revolved between her and Sam was something that wasn't suppose to happen. And things just got thrown around that weren't needed. She said some stupid things (I can never love you like that) he said some mean things (are you fucking stupid, he's going to walk all over you again. God... Rachel, you like getting hurt? First your mom, now Finn... Again!)
Perhaps he was right (no... He was right) but isn't love about taking chances? Isn't love about sacrifices? She made some. And maybe they were some stupid choices, and therefor she has lost her best friend. But she just wanted to jump back inside the deep and feel Finn's arms around her again holding her afloat.
It seems that he rather let her drown though.
Hearing from Santana that he has cheated on her, yet again, with Quinn Fabray, yet again, has damaged something deep inside her. Snapped this wire within her brain.
She punched Finn in the nose, during Glee club. She doesn't give a flying rats ass if Mr. Schuester was shocked and shouting, nor if her Glee mates feared her for that minute. Nor if Finn was bleeding brutally and clenching his nose as though that would help the bleeding stop. She didn't care, not for a second.
(She even hopes that she broke the damn thing.)
She ends up in Sam's house. She knows where they leave the key. And since they were best friends his mother had told her where they kept it for safety reasons. They trust her like that. And she likes that.
She heads up to his room, where she finds him drawing on his note block. He always uses it and draws pictures of people or things he sees. Most of the time when she's just in his room, he draws her body and face and he makes her look beautiful. He always tells her when he's done drawing her that she is beautiful and that he's just drawing her how he really sees her. He's really talented and she's positive that he could maybe go to an art school in New York and she'll go to Julliard or NYU where they could be together all the time and hang out. But perhaps this dream won't fulfill, seeing as their friendship is on a rocky patch right now.
She never knew how much she missed him since their fight. They never fight, like never. And the first time that they do fight, their friendship was the thing to suffer underneath it. She doesn't want that again. She loves him too much to let him go. She'd give up everything, if he could just be with her.
(Perhaps she is in love with him.)
She knocks on the already open door, causing him to flinch and move his head towards her. Instead of shouting or telling her to fuck off, he looks at her and this barley seen smile graces his lips as he puts his note block aside. ''Hey.''
She manages a smile. ''Hi.'' Rachel closes the door and walks up to him, he moves up to the side of the bed and places his feet on his floor, looking up at her as she stands before him. She doesn't really know what to say, or how to begin to explain how she feels. So she starts small. ''I miss you.''
He envelops his arms around her waist. ''I miss you too...'' He sighs. ''I shouldn't have...'' He looks ashamed of himself as he continues. ''I shouldn't have said those things... I-I just...''
''It's okay.'' She bites her lip. ''It's my fault too. I was just... I didn't think clearly.'' She closes and reopens her eyes. ''I was just living in this fantasy world where I thought that me and Finn could be happy.'' He stiffens when she say's Finn's name, but she pretends that she didn't feel it. ''No boy is worthy of losing you, and no fantasy world is good enough if it isn't without you.''
He smiles, brightly. ''I feel the same.''
''Just... Be my friend again?''
He looks disappointed by this, but this emotion quickly fades. He pushes his self up with her body still around his arms. And she's surprised by this sudden movement, and she wonders what he's going to next. She expected him to say okay, or something along those lines, but instead, she feels his lips attack hers, and that's that.
She's glue around his fingers and he's the paper holding her together, at first she doesn't reciprocated it, but when she feels his tongue lick her lips she soon loses her restrain and moves her lips against his. Shuddering at the feel of him. She can't believe that his lips could be that soft or taste that good.
She sighs inside the kiss, and he sees this as his moment to let his tongue slide in and do his wonders.
Somehow they end up on his bed, with him hovering above her. She feels this heat pull to her core whenever he moans. His hands move from her waist to the sides of her body to hold himself better up, and her hands find a way to his chest. They slide down and down and down until they touch his abs and she feels her fingers and heart and mind just get a will of their own and move beneath his shirt and pull it over his head and off his body.
He parts away from her for just a second before smashing his lips back at hers. Their lips forming as one inside their kiss. His hands rake over her stomach, touching every available skin he could find.
She pushes him just a bit off her body and positions herself better on the bed, pulling her own shirt over her head and throwing it somewhere on the floor inside his room. She doesn't wait for him to talk or ask her if she wants this. Because she does. Somehow she does. And she wants him to be the one. Not Finn... Especially not Finn, but just him.
Soon all of their clothes get peeled off, and his skin touches hers, his fingers roaming over her chest, his lips kissing her gently, his body pressed against hers. She moans out, and he keeps saying her name in this delicious perfect way that makes her feel worth more then the stars themselves. She feels perfect and whole underneath him. And she can't get enough of the way he fills her and moves in and out of her body. He slams softly inside her, moaning her name, moaning sweet gentle words in her ear; Iloveyou Iloveyou, onlyyoubabe onlyyoubabe, yourmine.
His fingers leave traces of fire on her skin, and his lips seal secrets only their hearts know.
''Say my name.'' He moans in her ear, as he slams another time in her. Her fingers digging in his back, feeling this unexplainable pleasure she never thought was possible or even existed. ''Say it.''
She moans out his name, and when he asks her to scream it louder, she does. When she comes, his name is the only thing leaving her lips, and her name is the only thing leaving his.
She and Sam start dating. He doesn't care what others think, he doesn't care what Finn does, or if the student population of McKinley high dislike them together. If he's happy with her, she's happy too and that's all there is to it.
After two moths they are still going strong and she remembers their dates and their secret glances, their touches and their bodies against each other. She remembers him and her and that's all their is to it.
It happens, suddenly.
It shouldn't have happened, not to her. Especially not her. She's suppose to take Broadway by storm, and have Sam near her in New York, and have her dads cry whenever they see her on a stage, as they whisper to strangers in their seats; 'That's our daughter.' She should be the one to see her speculation come true that has to do with Santana up at a pole inside a dirty strippers joint. She should be there when her mother comes back and apologizes for ever leaving her behind.
She should be.
It happens, and it's fatal. Her dads can't pick her up from ballet, Sam has football practice.
It's fatal. It just happens.
She shouldn't have tried to walk through dark streets back home. She should've just waited for the bus or perhaps ask somebody from ballet to pick her up (but neither of them really like her, thus that would be a lost cause eventually), she shouldve just not gone alone.
But she did.
It's dark, and the streets are empty. It's impossible to even see what is heading your way or see what is on the road.
When she thus get's hit by a car she blames herself for the whole thing. She blames herself for the pain shooting through her body, through her bones, through her skin. The aching numbness biting through her flesh. Eating her alive. Taking her body as their prisoner. Locked up behind bars. Cold harden bars. She's feels pain, so much unbearable pain. And her body just hits the floor numbly, completely and utterly numb.
She hears something drive away, and she doesn't bother to even glance upwards. She instantly starts feeling cold, and mixed with the pain she feels like this is too much for her body to handle, and just too much for her to bare.
It hurts so unbelievably much, so terribly much. Something just shakes through her body, and blurs her vision. Something just gets a hold on her heart and holds it behind bars.
She get's rushed through the hospital, and she feels hands and eyes and touches on her body. Nothing feels familiar and everything just seems so misty. Her head keeps spinning round and round and her heartbeat slows down. She feels cold and colder and colder.
Her body get's placed on another bed. And the cold just doesn't stop, and her heartbeat slows down and down. And this biting aching pain inside her skin and body plays this sickening torturing game with her. It's this game that she doesn't want to play. This haunting numbness takes it's toll from her body, asking her body for too much. It's asking her for too much, and she doesn't think she could handle it anymore.
They say before you die, you'll see your past flash through your eyes. You'll see your younger days and teenage years. You'll see the things that have had so much impact on you, the things that have changed your life for good.
She sees it. She sees Sam and gummy balls and she sees her dads talking on the phone with her mother, she sees Finn and heartbreaks. She hears Sam's soothing words, she hears him talk, telling her a secret only he knew. She sees herself punching Finn, she experiences her first time with Sam, she sees his smiles and she hears his laughter. He makes her happy, and these flashes of her fathers, mother, Finn, Santana, Sam and the rest of the Glee club shoots past her vision in a flash. And this pain, just haunts her far more worse, far more painfuller then she could've ever expected.
Her eyes close completely, and the mistiness just dissipates, the numbness walks away, and the pain tells her goodbye before leaving her sight.
She hears this beep.
And that's that.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
This was Rachel's past flashing past her eyes, everything that was or had any value to her has been told before she died. They say before a person dies, he'll see how she/he has lived. Before Rachel died, she has seen her past flash before her eyes.
I don't own Glee nor the song 'How to save a life' from The Fray.