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"No! Gillian, get off the sofa. Darren, please stop eating that, it's not healthy. Oh, my, God, Leanne what are you doing with that, no, that's," Kurt has to stop and take a breath as the seam rips in his fabulous Armani shirt and Leanne is holding two parts of what had been two months' worth of allowance. "Finn!"
When Aunt Joan had come to visit with her family, Kurt hadn't exactly expected to be left with her five children. What woman wants to have five children? It was the first time Joan and her husband Stephen had met Carole and they suggested a night out for dinner to get to know each other, just the adults and Finn had been so stupid to suggest that he and Kurt could watch the kids ("How much trouble can it be?"). Apparently, seven, five and three year olds can find things to get into trouble with.
"I've lost one! I've lost one!" And one year olds were apparently ninjas. "The twins! I think I've lost Robert, or maybe it's Jack. Which one are you?" The baby in Finn's arms just laughs, nuzzling in to Finn's shoulder while the older boy freaks out over the missing baby.
The adults had only been gone for an hour; there was another several to go. Kurt only wondered how many children would be left by the time they got home and if there would be a home to stay in. "Gillian, don't you dare draw on that wall!"
There's a knock at the door before it opens, "Hey, guys I was- Holy crap." It was typical Puckerman really; he did the polite thing by knocking and then ruined it by not waiting for an answer. "Dude, did you rob a nursery?" Puck comes inside, closing the door behind him and dropping a video game onto the table by the front door before bending over and straightening with the other twin in his hands. "Dudes?"
"They're my cousins," Kurt says, exhausted by hoping that maybe three on five will even things out and mean they don't actually lose any of the kids. "This is Gillian, Darren and Leanne; the twins are Robert and Jack." Kurt still doesn't know which of the twins is which. "Guys, everyone, hey! This is Noah."
Gillian turns around, moving to climb up on the sofa to stare at Puck. "You've got a weird haircut."
"You've got a weird face." Kurt is gobsmacked, he's about to tell Puck off when Gillian giggles and Darren jumps on the spot.
"I think so too!" The whole place is a disaster and Finn comes in from the kitchen.
"He's not in the oven or the freezer and- oh hey Puck, hey! You've got the other one." Kurt thinks it's going to be a very long night.
"Why do you guys have five kids and no adults?"
"Finn offered to babysit while they went out. As you can see, we're having a bit of a troubling time." There were crayons on the floor, paper everywhere, crumbs on the floor, hand prints on the television set and, yeah, Gillian drew on the wall. "Please say you'll help? We can divide and conquer." Kurt is willing to offer anything for the help.
"Okay, you guys have cable, right?" Kurt nods, "Awesome, you kids like Cartoon Network?" There are nods all around, "Awesome, Adventure Time should be on."
"You know Adventure Time?" Leanne doesn't seem convinced.
"Are you kidding? I love Adventure Time. It's the bomb." Puck grabs the remote, switching the television on and no one cares about the hand prints, flicking the cartoon channel on and getting the three kids on the couch to watch. "Finn, do the twins have any food?" Finn nods his head, just as Gillian laughs.
"Your name's Finn! Do you have a dog called Jake?" She turns back to the show, just as Kurt watches a girl riding a unicorn and, okay, weird show.
Kurt decides that while the kids are occupied, he'll get the room a little tidier, "Okay, you go sort the boys' food, I'll take care of the stinky diapers." Finn happily hands his twin over to Puck, who seems pretty good at juggling to squirming kids. "Hey, Gillian,"
"You can call me Gilly, like my Mommy does." The smile she gives Puck makes Kurt stare, because that is definitely the awe-filled gaze of a little girl.
"Okay, Gilly, which one of these two is which?" Puck indicates to the twins, and Kurt pays attention this time.
"Jack is in the green and Robert has the dinosaur socks on." Really, Kurt can't tell how the hell people can tell the difference, because the boys are both identical. Puck just nods, placing Jack on the two seat sofa and laying Robert out.
"Kurt, you got the baby bag?" Kurt hands it all over and watches with mild fascination as Puck manages to get Robert and Jack into clean diapers in record timing without much fussing and clean it up. Kurt is officially glad Puck has no manners and just barges into their house any time he seems to feel like it.
When Adventure Time ends -and Kurt is still convinced that it is the weirdest show ever- everyone is herded into the kitchen where dinner is made (Gillian doesn't like potatoes unless they're mashed, Darren doesn't eat any veg unless it's carrots, Leanne doesn't like meat except chicken and the twins have some kind of mash and carrot mix to eat). Things aren't going well until Puck mixes gravy in with the twins' food to make it slightly more like soup and they seem more inclined to eat it, he steals some of Gillian's pork sausage which makes her shriek and eat it without fuss to stop him getting more, Darren sits quietly eating and Puck makes Finn challenge Leanne to a race to see who can finish theirs first.
Kurt is left with the girls after dinner while Finn runs a bath for the boys and Puck makes the suggestion that he get his laptop out. Kurt is hesitant, because he doesn't really want the girls breaking his computer -it's not exactly inexpensive- but he does, because Puck has managed to get the kids to calm down for more than ten minutes at a time and that is a blessing. So, Kurt sets up his laptop in the kitchen and Puck leans over him to put in an address in his internet browser that brings up some kind of doll maker. "Let them play that until it's their turn."
So the twins and Darren go off for a bubble bath, while Leanne and Gillian play on the doll maker ("Give her pink hair! I'm going to have pink hair when I get older, cause then my Mommy can't say no." "I wanna have hair like Noah." Kurt is aghast at Leanne's quiet admission). Puck sends Finn downstairs with one of the twins -Jack, Kurt thinks- and gets the girls to go upstairs and get ready for their turn, then Finn comes back with Robert. It's easy to get them dried and into their sleepers, Kurt's glad to notice that he and Finn can both manage one baby each, and the girls weren't too much trouble on their own either. Darren comes waddling down the stairs wrapped in a towel shortly after and throws himself over Finn's knee to get dried and dressed for bed while the twins play on the floor and Kurt gets their bottles ready.
Puck arrives a few minutes later with Leanne thrown over his shoulder in her towel, giggling like mad and Gillian under his arm, similarly giggling. "You're too big Noah! Like the Hulk." Kurt laughs as Puck shifts his grip and Gillian is hauled over his shoulder like her sister and the giggling manifests into a loud, constant cackling. The three older kids sit with biscuits on the sofa watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, getting up to do the dances and shouting when prompted while the twins are put down to bed in the guest room that Aunt Joan and Stephen are sleeping in.
When the Disney Channel officially goes to bed, Gillian and Leanne are directed into the upstairs bathroom to brush their teeth and Darren into the downstairs one to do his. Both girls come running downstairs to give Kurt a hug and a kiss, "We had the bestest time, you can babysit anytime you want," before doing the same thing to Finn and then back upstairs. "You promised a bedtime story, Noah. You have to now." So the three of them are snuggled down into Kurt's bed, Finn and Kurt start cleaning up the downstairs, getting the dinner dishes cleaned up and sorting out the living room.
"How the hell is he so good with kids? All he does is bully people at school." Finn just shrugs at Kurt's question, and really, if Kurt hadn't seen it with his own two eyes he wouldn't believe it. If anything, he would've thought Puck could only ever intimidate anyone into doing as he told them; diaper changing, children's show watching, dinner time Noah who read bed time stories and showed Finn how to rock a baby to sleep was not something Kurt could've imagined.
Half an hour later, Puck closes Kurt's bedroom door quietly and for the first time ever doesn't stomp down the stairs. "Twins still out?" Kurt just nods, offering Puck a can of soda which he accepts and then helps clean up some of the toys and wipe down the television. The adults arrive back shortly after that, and after a brief introduction of Puck to Joan and Stephen, the other boy heads home. "Oh, Finn, that's the video game I borrowed back."
"Wow, you guys did really good." Joan checks on the terrifying trio upstairs and then the twins and she's awestruck. "You fancy doing this every Friday night?"
"Oh my God, no." Kurt can't help the outburst. "They are darlings, don't get me wrong," except he's really going to miss that shirt, "but without Noah, things would've been hell." Carole just chuckles.
"Noah has a magic touch." Kurt frowns in question.
"What? Puck? I never knew he was good with kids." Finn still can't believe it apparently.
"Well, he was eight when Sarah was born, and he used to have a few step-siblings." Kurt didn't know that.
Carole sighs slightly, she, Kurt and Finn are in the kitchen, talking quietly while Burt, Joan and Stephen sat in the living room. "Well, Ruth had a boyfriend for a while after Noah's dad left. He was probably ten? Eleven. Anyway, Jacob had a few kids of his own, his wife left him for his brother, Noah was the oldest, Sarah was still young and then Jacob had a little boy and two girls as well. Noah's just always been good with children." It's a little strange to see that Finn didn't even know this; Kurt knew that Finn and Puck had been friends since they were seven; he'd heard some of the insane stories.
"Well, someone should warn Aunt Joan about Leanne wanting a mohawk, and Darren thinks everything is epic now, and I'm pretty sure Gillian has her first crush." Badass Puck was really a big softie, wasn't he?
The next day at school, Kurt just walked right up to Puck's locker and smiled while handing over his Aunt Joan's phone number. "She doesn't want her pool cleaned, in any way, shape or form, but she could do with a baby sitter from time to time." Honestly, he didn't expect Puck to smirk at him and pocket the number
"Sweet, thanks Hummel." And that was how Noah Puckerman became Lima's resident Babysitting Jedi Master.