DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fairy Tail.

"Clothes, clothes, clothes..." Gray mumbled, as he made his way to Lucy's house. Erza had kicked him out of Fairy Tail, glaring at him to either find his clothes and put them on, or face her wrath. Naturally, he scampered out of the guild, and backtracked to Lucy's house, which was where he last stripped.

Entering the house through the bathroom window, Gray retrieved his clothes, and was about to exit when he heard shuffling, and a few ominous thumps in the house. Automatically assuming it was a thief, Gray crouched by the door and chanted, "Ice Make..." before familiar voices caused him to stop and freeze up.

"Come on... Natsu," Gray heard Lucy's voice grunt from the other side of the door. "Just twist your body a bit, and it'll fit through."

"But it's too tight," Natsu whined. "I can't get through. If anyone's gonna move, it should be you, Luce! You've got a whole bunch of space."

"Space?" Lucy repeated, annoyed. "I'm pressed up against the wall, you idiot!"

A wall? Were they talking about that new lacrima fighting game?

There were three more thumps, a few grunts from both Lucy and Natsu, and the odd sound of clothes rubbing against a wall.

"It's way too big, Natsu," Lucy said.

"You're the one that wanted it big, Lucy," Natsu replied.

"But it's too big; it won't fit!" Lucy shot back, somewhat distressed.

Wait... Big?

There was more shuffling, a loud groan from Natsu, and then a thump and a sharp shriek from Lucy.

"Ah!" she exclaimed. "That hurts, Natsu!"

"Sorry, Luce, but at least it finally pushed through," Natsu said with a grunt.

It took two seconds before comprehension dawned on the eavesdropping Ice Mage, and his face abruptly flared red. Shit, what am I doing here?

"Let's just do this (pant) already," Lucy said. "My hands are (pant) sweaty. I can't (gasp) hold on much longer."

"It won't take that long, Lucy. Just relax (heavy exhale), and you'll be fine."

"But I can't!" Lucy shouted, her voice at a higher pitch than usual. The sound of shuffling and clothes rubbing against a wall, coupled with laboured pants and grunts from Natsu and Lucy filled the room again, and Gray swore over and over in his head. There was no way he listening to two of his best friends having fucking wall sex in Lucy's—


"Ow!" Lucy hissed. "Goddamnit, Natsu, stop doing that!"

"Sorry, but I didn't think lifting like this would be so hard!" Natsu snarled.

—or maybe he was, and he just didn't want to admit it. Gray blanched and backed away, almost slipping on his white jacket as a result. Why in the world am I still listening to this?

"Okay, why don't we switch positions?" Natsu suggested. "You can get on the bed, Luce, and I'll try doing it from the wall."

"Yeah, that'd be nice," she grunted, as the shuffling of bodies echoed in the room again. A few seconds later, so did the thumps.

"Just (pant) bend over a little, Luce," Natsu said, his voice sounding more than a little strained. "We'll have better positioning that way."

Bend over how?

The thumps started again, and then there was a breathy, feminine moan, followed by a sigh.

"My legs are going to be so sore tomorrow," Lucy groaned.

Then suddenly, a picture of a naked and sweaty Lucy, limbs entangled with an equally exhausted Natsu, was conjured in Gray's mind. He pulled on his hair, trying his best to will that mental image away. He had only went to Lucy's house to get his clothes, damnit, not listen to this!

"Just (gasp) a little higher, Luce," Natsu said, sounding somewhat desperate. "I'm almost there!"

"M-Me too (heavy exhale). C'mon, Natsu, we're so close...!"

Oh fuck, I am not staying for their fucking climax! Gray snatched up his clothes quickly, and jumped out the bathroom window, not even bothering to mask the noises he made. It wasn't like it could be heard over the ruckus they were making, anyways.

The next morning, Gray walked into Fairy Tail with bags under his eyes. He'd been kept up all night with his too-wild imagination, yesterday's scenes playing over and over in his head.

"... and Lucy finally let me sleep with her last night!" Natsu said excitedly. Gray paled and tried his best to tune out the conversation Natsu, Lucy, Erza, and Levy were having.

"I managed to get the top," Lucy said proudly. "That way, Natsu wouldn't fall on me or anything."

Gray's eyed widened an infinitival amount. How was Lucy on top? From what he had heard, she was surely...

"It was probably the best night's sleep I ever had," Natsu finished cheerfully.

Lucy nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. "Even Happy was okay last night!"

"Aye!" the Exceed chirped.

Gray chocked on his spit, bending over and coughing violently, attracting more than a few weird looks. Happy was there?

"Oh my god, you two!" Gray shouted, unable to bear the silent pressure any longer. "Don't fucking tell people about what you did yesterday!"

Lucy frowned. "You heard us, Gray? Then why didn't you join us? We could've used the help."

Gray was absolutely horrified at this point, and he ran out of the guild, screaming, "That's fucking disgusting! No way in Hell would I do that!"

"What's his problem?" Lucy wondered, looking at the Ice Mage—who was streaking away from the guild at top speed—in confusion.

Natsu shrugged. "Who knows? But it's not like I would've needed his help or anything."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Sure you wouldn't have, idiot."

"What?" Natsu said innocently. "We were only trying to set up a bunk bed."

Get your minds out of the gutter, you creepy perverts.

Anyways, this little crackfic, which totally didn't interfere with my progress in my other stories, was inspired by a little... talk my friends and I were having yesterday. We were having a fire drill, and since we skipped math, we were on a high. The pedo chin strokes one of my friends was giving everyone started it all.

I think we may have creeped a few people out with our somewhat obscure and totally not sexual conversation.

Okay, I don't know why I even put "Enjoy!" at the end of these things. I just figured out how less sense that made. So here's another end note that'll make a whole lot more sense.

Thanks for reading!