MODERN MAJOR MARY SUE

Inspired by the fast-paced, tongue-twisting song "Model of a Modern Major General" from the famous comical opera "The Pirates of Penzance". I was listening to it on my Zune while on my way home from my college campus today, and the idea popped into my head. At first I was going to base this off "Twilight", but then decided to do a song that ridiculed ALL Mary Sues. I used to wonder for the longest time just what Mary Sues were and what was so bad about them. Now that I know, I shall do whatever it takes to avoid making my characters like that. Enjoy, mates, and see if you can sing this to the original tune without messing up, at least too much!


The Pirates of Penzance © Gilbert and Sullivan

Lyrics © unicorn-skydancer08

All rights reserved.


I am the very model of a modern major Mary Sue
With tons of Mary-Sue-ness in every little thing I say and do
I know next to nothing, for my head is but an empty shell
Yet with my insanely gorgeous looks, you people would hardly tell

I'm spoiled to the bone and I'm only looking out for me
It's impossible for anybody to take me seriously
I'm a girl that everyone bends over backwards to try to please
I got guys surrounding me, like a flower with a thousand bees

(She's got guys surrounding her, like a flower with a thousand bees
She's got guys surrounding her, like a flower with a thousand bees
She's a girl that everyone bends over backwards to try to please!)

I'm very good at making a good story quite unreadable
I'm so sappy and so shallow, it's really unbelievable
As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
I am the very model of a modern major Mary Sue

(As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
She is the very model of a modern major Mary Sue!)

I'm the heroine of the story, but I'm just nauseating
I'm a drama success and I excel at exaggerating
You little girls would have to be crazy to want to be just like me
For a lamer, lousier role model you shall never see

I hardly lift a finger, I don't know how to do anything
I yank everyone back and forth as if they're some toy on a string
The story revolves around me, but I'm nothing but a big bore
You might as well stick a stamp on me and mail me to Ecuador

(You might as well stick a stamp on her and mail her to Ecuador
You might as well stick a stamp on her and mail her to Ecuador
The story revolves around her, but she's nothing but a big bore!)

Then I can make a snooty celebrity look like a honey
I'd give every last one of those ladies a run for their money
As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
I am the very model of a modern major Mary Sue

(As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
She is the very model of a modern major Mary Sue!)

In fact, why did the author even bother to write about me?
It's plain enough that the whole world would be better off without me
Because all I do is eat and sleep and tease and torment the guys
When it comes to pretentiously pretentiousness, I win the prize

I'm psychologically tortured and make it everyone's problem
I'm pretty and popular, but also tedious and tiresome
In short, you smart people should really have nothing to do with me
Just lock me in the innermost basement and throw away the key

(Just lock her in the innermost basement and throw away the key
Just lock her in the innermost basement and throw away the key
You people should really have nothing to do with the likes of she!)

For all my potential, I fall miserably short of the bill
I have been this way forever and I probably always will
As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
I am the very model of a modern major Mary Sue

(As outrageous as it may sound, you folks gotta believe it's true
She is the very model of a modern major Mary Sue!)