Special thanks to the fellow crack-writing community here on the Haruhi archives. I hope yoiu enjoy these quick tales, made by yours truly, little-known crack writer, and aspiring serious writing hopeful, Mr. Wang.
Lights. Camera. Action.
Emiri Kimidori, clad in a nice suit which accented her curvy body in ways not unlike her days as a former psychiatrist, stood behind her big desk, with a stack of papers detailing the current events and witty one liners she'd use for the premier of the show. Beside her, two empty but comfy looking chairs lied, waiting for the show's guests to use them at any time.
The pastel-haired girl glanced over to her side, noting the blunette girl also onstage, though presently off camera. Ryoko Asakura was also clad in her own fancy suit, albeit a bit more... provocative, especially in the cleavage department. She smiled and flashed an encouraging thumbs up, something oddly sweet coming from a crazed Yangire. But it was nice to see that Ryoko was still enthusiastic about show business.
Looking forward, Emiri could see the studio audience, lying patiently in wait. In fact, the only reason they were patient was due to Yuki's antics into trying to entertain them prior to the show actually airing, which unfortunately lead to the purple-haired girl having to try a variety of things, from juggling, to stripteasing, and sometimes both at the same time. Still, Emiri was amazed at how limber the skinny girl was. She definitely had some moves...
Stopping for a moment, Emiri laughed nervously when she caught herself blushing. Clearing her throat, she tried to compose herself as she shuffled her stack of papers into a more neatly square pile. Sitting in her big chair, trying to seem friendly and casual, she noted Kyon frustratingly working the camera, but gesturing to her that the show would be put on air momentarily.
Huh, that's right. The SOS Brigade wanted us to sponsor them. Hell, 20% of our funding comes out of these guys, all for a bit of publicity on air. Where the hell does Haruhi come up with that money, anyway? Eh, whatever. We'll see how this all goes.
Taking a deep sigh, Emiri saw Kyon gesturing that she had about five seconds until everything comes on air. Nodding her head, the green-haired girl attentively looked into the camera. The introductory fanfare played.
"Hello, everyone. I'm Emiri Kimidori, and welcome to... Damn it, does this show even had a name yet?"
Kyon and several of the show's producers facepalmed. Not due to them being glaringly stupid enough not to have come up with a title yet, but for Emiri herself actually forgetting the show's title.
The studio audience was laughing, despite the fact that Yuki didn't hold up any instruction card telling the audience to laugh, and that the mix-up wasn't intentional.
"Ah, my dear Emiri, I can help you with that!"
The former secretary turned late-night talk-show host turned her head, and the camera panned over to none other than Ryoko Asakura, temporarily taking the reigns from her colleague.
"It doesn't surprise me you'd forget, Comrade..." she introduced, putting an odd Russian accent on the last word. "But it is actually I, who came up with our great show's title! The very words you'll see on the top of all the ratings lists!"
Yuki held up a large card, signaling for the audience to "ooh" at Ryoko's proclamation, which they all complied with.
Emiri, despite welcoming the co-host's presence, raised a rather skeptical brow. She didn't bother to hide her apparent worry and concern.
"Uh... you came up with our show's title?"
"Yup!" she cheerily delcared with her eyes happily closed.
"Uh, right. I hope this is better than the codenames for our operations we secretly conduct. Because I remember all-too-well, 'Operation: Stabby Stab Kyon and Molest His Beating Heart Out,' and I can still vividly recall how much success the name and operation went down."
Ryoko charmingly giggled. Yuki also cued for the audience to laugh with her, which they did. Kyon's eyes were raised, and he twitched nervously, before running off to buy metal chestplate armor. Nonchalantly, Tsuruya took over his position manning the camera.
"Oh, don't worry Kimidori-san, this title is infinitely much more clever than that! Without further ado, I would like to welcome our dear studio audience, and those of you at home. Welcome, toベリー、セロリとラベンダー!"
"Uh... speak in Romaji, please. You're not being consistent here."
Before Ryoko could question how it is even possible to be asked to speak in Romaji instead of Kanji, the blunette girl simply shrugged her shoulders and sighed.
"Well, alright. Our show's title: Beri, Serori, to Rabenda."
Emiri cocked her head, absolutely puzzled.
"So you named the title... in Japanese? Uh, you mind translating in English, for me? And our viewers?"
The blue-haired girl looked back at her green-haired counterpart very quizzically. Ryoko raised a brow slightly, as if Kimidori was some kind of moron.
"But... you're Japanese, just like me. Shouldn't you know what the title means anyway?"
Emiri paused, and looked down at the ground, somewhat anxiously.
"I'm... I am currently running the English Dub version of Emiri Kimidori. This platform's current setting does not currently engage in conversation and comprehension of Japanese Language, written or spoken."
Ryoko looked at her superior, friend, and fellow host rather horridly.
"Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?"
The blunette smacked the back side of Emiri's head, hoping that she knocked some kind of switch to bring her back to normal. The former student council secretary's head was accidentally brought forward by the strength of Ryoko's hit, causing her to hit her head on her desk's surface. She lied motionless for a moment, unconscious. Ryoko laughed anxiously.
Yuki used a big cue card telling the studio audience to gasp, which really, not too many people needed an actual written cue, given the shocking circumstances.
"Huh... Sorry about that folks. Anyway, the title of our show is Beri, Serori, to Rabenda. It's Japanese Engrish, and it translates to Berry, Celery, and Lavender."
Emiri was starting to regain consciousness, as she weakly lifted her head off of the desk.
"Why did you name our show after plants...?"
"Because! I'm Berry, you're Celery, and Nagato-san is Lavender!" Ryoko exclaimed. She gestured over towards the three interfaces' respective hair colors, and their correlation to the title.
"Plus, I love plants!" she off-handedly mentioned, jovially taking out a potted cactus from under her skirt. Don't ask. "Plants are beautiful, a lot are edible, they provide oxygen for all of us to breath, and they're the basis of all life on this lush and beautiful planet!"
Emiri, Yuki, Tsuruya, and everyone in the studio audience stayed silent for several minutes, while Ryoko affectionately petted the cactus. Yuki took out a caged cricket, and held up a mini-card up to it, signaling for him to chirp.
"That doesn't sound like you..." the show's host silently declared.
"But humans keep messing everything up. They cut trees, step on flowers, and stuff. And it pisses me off. Worst of all, the people who do care, are just a bunch of hippies who don't know shit about properly defending a rainforest. I have to end up going to South America myself and stab the fuck out of those bulldozer drivers, and murdering all those big corporate guys who want to break down forests and industrialize this beautiful land... It'd be better if all you humans just died and left the world alone, naturally preserved."
The sudden environmentalist spoke with such a conviction, and at the same time, a seething, and almost horrifying hatred of the humans that destroy plants. And now, the audiences in the studio and abroad watching their televisions were undoubtedly crapping their pants.
"Okay... now that sounds like you," Emiri muttered.
"It sure does, Kimidori-san!" Ryoko declared, going back to her playful, and jovial (yet murderous) nature.
"Right then, so... I think we've taken up quite a bit of time, so we'll join you guys right back, after this quick commercial break from our sponsor!"
Ryoko and Emiri calmed down for a moment, as they continued looking towards the camera that Tsuruya was manning.
"Okay... and... cut to commercial!" the cheesivore said. "And whoo-ee, what a show so far, Nyoro~! Great work, you two!"
Tsuruya certainly seemed pumped up about all this. Up on stage, the blue haired girl's happy demeanor was still present, flashing a grateful thumbs up over towards the camerawoman. However, her pastel-haired counterpart started to look very... irked.
"Asakura... what the fuck was that?"
"Huh?" she asked, cocking her head. "You shouldn't make it a habit to curse on stage, even if we're not on air."
"Why the hell did you say that humans should go and die due to them destroying plants? Do you have any idea who our demographic is for this show?" Emiri asked, facepalming.
"Uh... Klingons... Shinigami... Wookies... Magical Girls... Dwarves... The Unemployed... Perverts... I dunno."
"HUMANS! HUMANS WATCH THIS SHOW, AND YOU JUST TOLD ALL OF THEM TO DIE, YOU IDIOT!"
Ryoko gasped, taken aback by Emiri's rudeness.
"Well, at least I didn't forget the title of our show, and our very own native language, you baka!"
"What's 'baka' mean?" the non-Japanese-speaking Japanese girl asked.
"Wouldn't you like to know... baka."
Shit just got real. As the two of them fumed, Emiri rolled up her sleeves, while Ryoko put away her pet cactus (somewhere) and grabbed her more traditional combat knife.
Meanwhile, Tsuruya was eating some Cheetos while she watched a live stream of the Conan O'brien show on her iPad 4000 (which her overly rich parents bought), oblivious to the big damn epic fight that was going on stage.
"Heh, I'm with Coco... that Conan guy's better than that other dumbass who calls himself a 'Barbarian.' Not Arnold though, he was cool. No, that new stupid Barbarian movie... yeah, that movie was gay..."
Laughing at an occasional joke made by the host, and his co-host Andy Richter, Tsuruya laughed it up until she looked at her watch. And at that point, she started choking over on her Cheetos. Still not paying attention to the ever-so-bloody and epic fight onstage, the green-haired Rapunzel went back to her post at the camera, knowing the commercials were about to end, and the show would resume momentarily.
"Okay guys, we're back in five!" Tsuruya declared, waving off hand signals to the cast.
Emiri and Ryoko paused and immediately stopped what they were doing. Taking a final glance at each other, they went to their respective places on stage, ignoring any sense of bloodlust they may have kept just seconds prior. Emiri adjusted her hair trying to look pretty for the camera (not minding the blood, nor the knife embedded on the side of her head).
"And 3... 2... 1..." Tsuruya counted down.
Blissfully acting unaware of how bloody and battered she looked, Emiri flashed the camera... a smile. Sorry, perverts.
"Hey, everyone. Welcome back, to Beri, Serori, to Rabenda... I said that correctly, right?"
She glanced over towards Ryoko, who nodded her head encouragingly. Members of the studio audience who witnessed the entire fight were puzzled at how the two show's hosts managed to just... ignore their earlier spat.
"Anyway, we've got quite a bit to go over tonight, so let's get started! In an exclusive news story, we unveil the truth behind the strike team that killed Osama bin Laden in Operation: Geronimo!"
"The US doesn't make creative names as 'Operation: Stabby Stab Kyon and Molest His Beating Heart Out.'"
"You're not the main host here, Ryoko," Emiri said with a bit of charming venom. "Now live in Pakistan, our correspondant in the field, Yuki Nagato, brings us the truth behind this amazing story!"
Emiri gestured over towards a large telescreen onstage. It flickers to life, showing Yuki Nagato clad in a US military uniform, carrying a gun almost twice her size with relative ease... with one hand.
The studio audience took a moment to consider the fact that Emiri said that Yuki was on site "live." Everyone looked to see where Yuki once stood with her cue cards and cricket's cage. She was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, Yuki! How are you doing over there?" Emiri asked.
"I am fine. I stand beside the site that the Al Qaeda leader called home for an undefined period of time."
"Amazing! Tell us, what light can you reveal on Operation Geronimo? People around the world would like to hear this!"
"I possess video footage of the entire encounter. Due to the graphic nature of its contents, viewer discretion would be advised."
"Who gives a damn, violence is awesome, and we're a late night show anyway!" Ryoko exlcaimed, giddy to see the ensuing action.
"Very well," Yuki said, nonchalantly.
The screen of Yuki in Pakistan faded to black, before transitioning to a new scene...
Yuki Nagato lead SEAL Team 6, out of the helicopter, straight to the head of Osama bin Laden's secret compound. Signalling for the other SEALs to follow her lead, she began to sneak in.
Behind her, Simon and Kamina, Homura Akemi, and the Computer Club President from Oreimo followed quickly in suit, brandishing their array of weapons.
Yuki and her team, silently killing any and all terrorists defending their leader, made their way to breach the doors.
"On my mark..." the badass bookworm began.
"Alright, let's kill some terrorists!" Kamina exclaimed, with excited vigor. The moment she practically shouted out that exclamation, Yuki could already hear the terrorists murmuring about taking up defensive positions. The lavender-haired girl promptly facepalmed.
"Bro, what's a terrorist?" Simon cluelessly asked.
Homura sighed nonchalantly, as she inspected her weapon with no real enthusiasm in her situation. "If this doesn't involve Madoka, I want nothing to do with it."
Yuki was still facepalming that the seemingly inept hopelessness of her squad. She contemplated how her lying protocols should only be used as a last resort, but in this case, it'd be for the greater good.
"She is here. CIA Intelligence has revealed that your friend is held captive here by Al Qaeda lieutenant, and subordinate to Osama bin Laden, Makoto Itou."
"That fucker's going down..." Homura said, icily.
The computer club president looked back and forth, then down at his weapon.
"What the hell am I doing here?"
Ignoring him, Yuki kicked down the door, readying her gun. Her iPod immediately started playing Guile's Theme.
"Leave it to me, bitches."
From across the room, bin Laden was hiding behind a desk, shooting back at the SEALs. Beside him, was the harem-owner himself, Makoto.
Frustrated at this hopeless battle, and seeing his terrorist followers being gunned down, Osama smacked Makoto across the head.
"You! Fool! Get out there and defend me!"
"What? That's insane! I'm gonna die if I go out in the open!" Makoto defended, showing some of his rarely used logic.
"If you don't help me, you won't get your 72 virgins!"
Makoto paused for a moment to take that information in.
"DEATH TO AMERICA!"
Makoto promptly jumped out from cover, but was instantly killed before he could get a single shot off.
Seeing that he had now been beat, bin Laden surrenedered, only to be promptly shot in the face. Yuki walked up to him and said the most American thing she could think of to his dead corpse:
"Go home and be a family man."
Yuki then shouted victoriously. Kamina and Simon also shouted victoriously in their succeeded mission.
"AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" they shouted simultaneously. "GOIN' IN TO SAVE THE MUTHAFUCKIN' DAY, YEAH!"
Homura scoured the house and actually did find Madoka, bound and gagged in Makoto's room, along with POW's, Rukia Kuchiki, Cirno, and Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga, also bounded. The computer club president still wondered how and why the fuck he was still there.
"Wow, what an amazing story, Yuki," Emiri said, clapping her hands. She magically took the time to remove all the blood from her recent spat with Ryoko.
"Well, I guess that that's all the time we have for tonight, since we spent a little longer than I expected... and we only have a god damn 30 minute time slot, but oh well..."
Ryoko promptly joined her friend alongside the desk.
"From all of us here at Beri, Serori, to Rabenda, I'm Ryoko Asakura."
"And I'm Emiri Kimidori."
"And we wish all of you a goodnight. Stay tuned, for the new upcoming episode of Trading Moeblobs! What'll happen when Mikuru Asahina is swapped for Miyuki Takara? Eh... not much, really. Except one of them isn't a walking Wikipedia. Poor, poor Lucky Star girls... I'd look forward to Mikuru coming back and boring the hell out of everyone with stories about nothing!"
With cheery and warm smiles, Emiri and Ryoko flashed one last nice look at the camera as Tsuruya took their sign-off and rolled the credits.
"Aaaaand... That's a rap, Nyoros~! Man, that story about the Seal Team was BADASS!"
With a sigh of relief, Emiri wiped the sweat off her brow as she slumped back in her chair.
"Damn it, we didn't cover as much as I thought we would've... all we did was just explain why our show was titled the way it was, and show a video on Yuki's pwnage of Osama bin Laden..."
Yuki (who spontaneously returned from her trip to Pakistan) placed a comforting hand on the pastel-haired girl's shoulder.
"Do not worry. This is only our first episode. It is natural that we learn from experience."
Emiri nodded her head, hugging Yuki.
"Ah, thank you Nagato-san..."
"The show would've been better if you remembered the damn title, and knew Japanese... baka."
Emiri shoved Yuki out of the way, as she pulled out Ryoko's combat knife. The very one that was embedded in her brain earlier.
Ryoko quickly reached under her skirt and armed herself with her potted cactus, ready for another showdown.
Tsuruya, taking a glance away from Conan O'brian's much more structured show, noticed that the brawl was about to ensue. Gleefully licking the cheese powder off her fingers as she put away her Cheeto's bag and manned the camera, she poised towards the incoming fight.
"I'm gonna show this on Pay-per-View and be rich all over again..."
Tsuruya snickered, as she watched Ryoko start to try and bludgeon Emiri with her cactus. Yuki sat next to her, eating some of Tsuruya's Cheetos and enjoying the scene unfolding.
And that's show business in a nutshell.