Author's Note: Yes, I've been away. My website currently holds the biggest explanation you'll be getting. Thank you to everyone for all of the support these last few months. I'm going to make it up to you.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.
(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)
Chapter Twenty: Of Rulers and Romance
Wake the fuck up, you sons of bitches. The next stop is Hellfire 'D,' and absolutely zero fucks are given if you knew that already. Peace out, motherfuckers.
Inuyasha jolted, his entire body throwing itself forwards as his eyes finally opened. His hands grasped at his shirt – not ripped, no hole – and he looked down to see that he wasn't bleeding. He wasn't bleeding.
…He wasn't bleeding?
The last thing he remembered was Sesshomaru stabbing him, what a fucking asshole. He stabbed him with a sword for no reason and it was a dick move. He hadn't even been able to talk to Kagome first, to thank her or apologize or…whatever.
Wow, his head was hurting like a bitch. Wincing at the pain, Inuyasha squinted at his surroundings, noting that he was indeed back on the flying bus. There were four other people on it with him – wait, no, there was a couple making out, so five – and he didn't recognize any of them. A small pang registered in his brain, making him realize with an almost violent start that he actually missed Naraku.
Which was creepy because Naraku was… Well, he was Naraku and that was self-explanatory.
"Oh my god, he's awake!"
The voice wasn't familiar, which was why Inuyasha was silently praying for a less crazy person. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe this guide wouldn't be as strange as Naraku and more…normal. Naraku was crazy enough for him. The moment Inuyasha landed, he'd have to find all of his friends.
"BABYCAKES, YOU'RE AWAKE!"
The exclamation startled the half-demon. Inuyasha turned sharply, his golden eyes staring right at Naraku's beaming face – blue eye shadow and all. "Wait, you are here?" And then it finally processed because no one else on the bus was sitting with a passenger besides Naraku, and there was definitely another guy sitting beside Naraku, smiling just as strangely.
"You're right," the man said, nodding sagely. "He's totally fucking hot."
"Right?" Naraku asked unnecessarily. The fortune teller grinned and looked back at Inuyasha. "How are you feeling?"
"How should I be feeling?" he asked back, cautious now. "Also, isn't it rude to call someone hot right after you make out with a completely different person?"
"Don't be jealous, babycakes," Naraku cooed, petting his apparent-boyfriend instead. "This is Jakotsu. He's the one that grabbed my ass at your little shindig. You know, right before you froze Hell over." There was a moment of concern flashing across his face, lines appearing on his forehead. "You…remember that, right?"
Inuyasha scoffed. "I remember everything. Sesshomaru fucking stabbed me!"
"He doesn't know, does he?" Jakotsu asked, somewhat sadly.
The half-demon was getting more and more worried by the second. "What? What don't I know? Shit, did he stab Kagome too? I'll fucking wring his neck and order him to fuck himself again for the rest of eternity." Naraku burst out laughing while Jakotsu merely blinked, wide-eyed and almost scared. "Fuck. Off."
"No, no," Naraku pleaded, making hand-waving gestures that meant absolutely nothing. The bus suddenly took a violent turn and started to dip downwards, spiralling. Inuyasha had encountered this before so he merely held on, his focus solely on getting the damn fortune teller to explain. "No, Sesshomaru stabbed you because he was banishing Heaven from you. You chose to reside in Hell, so now you're here permanently."
Blinking, the half-demon processed that. The bus' one window near the front shattered. A Barbie doll head rolled to the dirty, moldy ground. "Okay, but that's a good thing. Why did you make it sound so terrible?"
"Because, sweetie," Jakotsu said, reaching out and patting Inuyasha's head. "By staying here, you had to become Ruler of Hell, officially. Part of the ceremony is the fan-favourite: decapitation. The Board of Hell decapitated you right after."
Inuyasha just stared, somewhat horrified. The urge to touch his neck was almost excruciating.
"Don't worry, you're just as beautiful as ever," Naraku said sweetly, winking. He ducked quickly to avoid a machete that was flying towards the back of the flying bus as they continued to spiral downwards. "So, does it feel any different being the official Ruler of Hell?"
"Should it?" the half-demon asked, somewhat wary. "What do I even do?"
"The fuck if we know," Jakotsu replied, shrugging. He scratched at his nose and then scrunched it, making Naraku coo something incoherent about cuteness. "You act high and mighty and get whatever you want."
Inuyasha wasn't sure how that was any different from a normal demon. Wasn't it all kill or be killed? Steal to get what you want? Every man for himself? "How are Miroku and Sango?"
"Last I heard, they blew up a museum," Naraku replied, waving a hand in the air. "You know them. They tagged up with Ry-Ry to build some sort of bazooka bomb fiery explosion thingy."
He shouldn't have been surprised. "And Kagome?"
The bus slammed into the ground – or landed, whichever since they weren't dead – and the speakers crackled to life. For fuck's sake, get the fuck off. This is Hellfire 'D' and all of you have a very shitty evening.
Waiting for an old crotchety demon to get off, Inuyasha followed behind and let his golden eyes roam the moment he was out in the open. It looked exactly the same as the first time he landed here, with Naraku smacking gum irritably at him and talking incessantly.
"Ready to go home, babycakes?" Naraku asked, pulling him by the arm to a clearing just a little away. Not that Hell wasn't full of clutter – it was mostly a wasteland of gravel and dirt and dust – but this area seemed pretty specifically cleared, as if something large was coming.
"That depends," Inuyasha replied, giving Naraku the stink-eye. "You never did answer my question about Kagome."
"Kagome, Kagome, Kagome," Naraku whined, glaring at Jakotsu. "Do you see what I've had to put up with?"
Jakotsu rolled his eyes in return. "The horror: looking at this gorgeous man move his lips. You don't actually have to listen to him, you know."
"That's very rude," Inuyasha pointed out. "I have solid insights that are important."
"You're attractive and quasi-taken, so I'm going to use you for porn in my mind," Jakotsu explained, slowly, like he was talking to a child. "Unless you're open to foursomes with Kagome, then by all means, I can take you seriously."
The half-demon blinked and turned to Naraku. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't like him."
"Too damn bad, baby," the fortune teller replied, grinning. "He might be a tight ass but really, if you think about it, that's a good–"
"OH MY GOD, NEVER AGAIN!" Inuyasha screamed, covering his ears. "STOP TALKING. I ORDER YOU TO STOP."
Naraku continued to grin wickedly but stopped all the same, winking at Jakotsu. The other man giggled back.
Inuyasha was done for. It took several long moments before he felt safe to pry his hands away from his ears, but when he did and neither of the other two spoke, the half-demon dared to continue. "So, is there a reason we're just standing here?"
"Oh honey, I thought you were smart," Jakotsu said, patting him kindly on the shoulder. "Of course there is. We're getting a ride from Ry-Ry."
"What?" Inuyasha yelled, whirling around to face Naraku. The fortune teller smartly had let go of him by this point, trying to look sheepish and innocent with big eyes and blue sparkly eye shadow. "You've got to be kidding me!"
"Oh, no." Naraku shrugged somewhat helplessly. "He flies, which is a hell of a lot faster. I thought you'd like the opportunity to see Kagome as soon as you possibly could but the lights went out and you couldn't see her gorgeous face."
"So she is okay," Inuyasha growled. Naraku and Jakotsu gave each other a significant look. It did nothing to tone down Inuyasha's growing wish to commit serious harm to them. "Care to explain?" he demanded, mostly through gritted teeth. There was only so much he could control.
"Not really," Naraku replied cheekily and then pointed towards the sky. "Oh look! Our ride is here!"
A loud, searing roar echoed through the skies. Inuyasha instantly remembered exactly why this was a bad idea because if it hadn't been for Ryukotsusei yelling at him and calling him out at the big Hell Day event, none of this would have happened. He would've finally been able to kiss Kagome and there wouldn't have been a trial with the fake God and fake Devil and he'd be happy, because Kagome would've stopped the trial and–
The ground shook as the massive dragon landed, wings stretching almost impossibly long before shuddering in. Golden scales shined from the dimming light and dark, dark eyes glared at the half-demon. For a moment, everyone held their breath.
"Ryukotsusei," Inuyasha said, proud that it was somewhat even. "Thank you for picking me up."
"Your Majesty," the dragon returned, inclining his head the slightest bit. "It is my pleasure. I request to continue as your Removal Captain to protect you from those who would choose to see you in pain."
Inuyasha thought about it for a moment before holding out his hand. "Just never call me 'Your Majesty' again and you've got a deal."
"Accepted," Ryukotsusei said, carefully lifting a large claw and putting the very point of it to the half-demon's palm.
"Oh thank god," Naraku let out suddenly, taking in deep breaths. "I seriously thought you were going to breathe fire and burn him until he was a shrivelled grape."
The dragon laughed, lifting his head as his wings outstretched. Wind gusted around them, so strong that it nearly knocked the three of them over. "Climb on and let us fly!" he roared, finally calming down enough to lower his body so they could get on.
Taking flight again wasn't as terrifying as Inuyasha imagined it would be. He would probably have been more scared if Ryukotsusei appeared to still be angry at him, but as it stood, all the half-demon did was hold on as the dragon's large wings started to beat. They were soaring through the air soon enough, the sky growing steadily darker as they made their way closer and closer to Inuyasha's house. Or his mansion. Or whatever it was that Miroku and Sango got for him.
"Oh look," Naraku said, pointing down towards the ground. "Fire! Miroku and Sango must be there."
Not even on the ground yet and Inuyasha feared for his life where those two were involved. "Do we have to land?" His question remained unanswered however, as the dragon slowly started to descend. It took barely any time at all and soon Inuyasha was sliding down the dragon's leg, getting closer and closer to the insanity of it all.
He didn't even have a second to take a look at his mansion – so unfamiliar since he didn't exactly get to live in it long before the whole Hell freezing over thing – before two crazy people jumped him. It came as a hard slap on the shoulder, and when the half-demon turned around, Miroku and Sango were bowing awkwardly.
"Your Highness," Miroku stated, faking some sort of wretched accent and looking far too amused. "Welcome back to your humble abode."
"It's hardly humble," Inuyasha replied. "And please, stand up. For fuck's sake, why are you bowing?"
"You're the Ruler of Hell," Sango said, as if it was obvious. Her big magenta eyes blinked far too innocently. "Rulers get bowed to."
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. There was simply no winning.
"Have a little fun!" Miroku wheedled, nudging himself back into Inuyasha's personal space uninvited. "Tonight there will be a celebration in your honour and we'll become drunk as skunks and the afterlife will be fine again."
A celebration? What kind of celebration? "Yeah, no." He was more interested in finding a certain someone anyways. "I'm not going to any kind of celebration. You'll have to drag me kicking and screaming, and even if you win that, I'll just smirk at you." The half-demon smirked for good measure. "See?"
Miroku went to open his mouth again, finger pointed and raised to announce something, but he was thankfully distracted by Sango poking him in the ribs. The black-haired man looked at her, and when Sango merely shifted her gaze to the side, Inuyasha's curiosity got the best of him.
Realistically, it was for the best anyways.
Kagome was at the far entrance of the property, her back nearly touching the electrified fence and her right foot stepping on the only green patch of grass there was. He couldn't see her expression from so far away, but frankly he didn't care.
Without thinking he took two steps towards her and Kagome instantly matched it, heading in his direction. He kept walking, and so did she, moving and moving until they weren't walking anymore but running.
("Oh my god!" Naraku squealed from not too far away. "This is so romantic!"
"It's only romantic if they have sex within 5 seconds of contact," Miroku pointed out.
Both Jakotsu and Naraku stared at him horrified, while Sango merely nodded sagely.)
The moment he knew they would be right up in each other's space, the half-demon slowed, reaching out and grabbing the sleeve of her blouse. Kagome looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You, my friend, are very lucky."
"I was stabbed," Inuyasha stated. "And then decapitated."
She nodded, brown eyes looking amused. "Well, you're permanently in Hell now so you'll have to get used to it."
("Not romantic," Miroku sighed.
Naraku was currently fumbling for a tissue. This was better than a chick-flick.)
Inuyasha smirked and chose to let the silence go on. Kagome sighed dramatically, clearly knowing what he wanted from her. "Well, I can't say that it's been a pleasure–"
The sentence couldn't be finished, not with the way he pressed his lips against hers, grabbing her hips and pulling her tight to him.
(Gross sobbing ensued from somewhere behind them.)
It was like fire was running down his veins. This was him, finally able to kiss Kagome after all this time. His hands brushed through her hair, holding the back of her neck and keeping her right with him. He finally had this, at last, and he wasn't going to let it go so quickly. It helped that Kagome didn't seem too keen on the idea either, her lips dancing in time with his as the sky erupted in colours so bright he could see them behind closed eye lids.
Inuyasha pulled back, blinking and then looking pitifully at the sky. It truly was on fire.
What the actual fuck.
"You've got to be shitting me," Inuyasha cursed, only then processing the loud cheers behind him. The half-demon whipped around to see Miroku, holding some kind of metal contraption that was smoking out of one end. "What did you do?" Inuyasha yelled, eyes going to the sky again to see the flames dying off slightly.
"Celebrating!" Sango cheered. Ryukotsusei roared in laughter, his flapping wings blowing the smoke until it was gone. "And this is just the beginning."
Kagome laughed. "Wait for it."
"Wait for– No, I will not– Miroku, what did you do?" Inuyasha shouted. All he wanted to do, dammit, was make out with Kagome and then maybe take things upstairs. That's it. That's all he wanted to do upon his return.
"Welcome Ruler of Hell!" Naraku cheered, throwing glitter into the air that he got from only the Devil knew where. "And the countdown begins: three…two…"
Inuyasha's golden eyes went wide.
An earthquake shook the ground, a volcano erupted somewhere, or something, but Inuyasha was about to go fucking postal. He stumbled around to get his bearings, watching as the ground around his fenced property exploded and fire leapt from the earth. Chunks of rock and dirt and gravel littered the skies.
And then, it got worse.
All around him fire came. It was like everyone in Hell had whatever contraption Miroku did, and the skies became nothing more than a blanket of endless orange flame. There was an undying echo of what sounded like bombs exploding – and really, that's what they probably were – though it was nearly outmatched by Ryukotsusei's sudden and loud roar. The dragon launched himself into the sky, spinning and spinning in an upwards spiral and then he was spewing fire out of his own mouth.
As if Hell couldn't get any hotter, for fuck's sake. Did anyone think of that?
"What did you do?" Inuyasha screamed, flailing as he got closer to the crazy couple. "Sango, please tell me you didn't help him with all of this!" When Sango just batted her long eyelashes at him, the silver-haired man turned to Naraku. "And don't tell me you were in on it as well!"
Naraku gave a tiny wave. "Yay, you have a mote now for your castle." He paused and then tried again with more cheer, this time pointing to the massive holes around the fence of his yard. "A mote, like for a castle! Yay…"
There was nothing left to do but smack his forehead, horrified.
"It's a good thing," Kagome said suddenly, nudging him. "This is Hell celebrating having a ruler, even though none of them have any clue what that means."
"I don't even know what that means." Inuyasha growled, "But apparently it means I get to have a mote."
Naraku clapped. "That's my babycakes, always looking on the bright side! Now, as this celebration is just getting started, why don't we all make our way to the house and start the drinking ourselves into oblivion, yes?"
"Yes, please," Jakotsu murmured, spreading his arms as if in desperate thanks before grabbing Naraku's hand and tugging. In turn, the fortune teller grabbed Inuyasha's hand and winked.
"If I'm going," Inuyasha started, grabbing Kagome's sleeve again and pulling her too, "you are definitely coming with me."
Kagome let out of huff of laughter. "As if I would go anywhere else."
Miroku and Sango were in step with the trailing line of them far too quickly. "You can't forget us, of course," Miroku said, grinning wildly. "We did get this party started after all."
With the sky on fire, the ground still shaking, and Ryukotsusei flying high in the skies to protect them, drinks were poured around and around. Kagome was leaning into his side, yelling at him in equal measure while her eyes showed a strange mix of fond exasperation. Naraku giggled too much and Jakotsu grabbed more ass than should be allowed in one night. Miroku and Sango were tame compared to their earlier antics, but the night was young and the basement play room was still up for grabs if they wanted to.
Hell, Inuyasha thought suddenly, certainly wasn't so bad after all.
"So, babycakes," Naraku said suddenly, stealing everyone's attention in the room. "What is your first act as Ruler of Hell?"
With everything before him – all of his friends and strange relationships and crazy afterlife now set – Inuyasha did the only thing he could do.
He smirked. Hell would never be the same again.
Thank you everyone for enjoying this crack!fic extraordinaire. Again, I apologize for how long it took to finish it, although I certainly couldn't leave it that way. I am now considered "back" and will be updating somewhat frequently.
All my love,