Written by: Christian Chedrawi
Author's Note: 8 SIMPLE RULES is my favourite show and I don't know what came up to my head this morning and I just came up with this Halloween episode. Hope you like it.
[Scene: The Kitchen and the living room at the same time since they're both set at the same floor downstairs; Everyone is there except Bridget who rushes inside with an umbrella above her]
Cate: Oh, hi, Bridget.
Bridget: (without a breath) Umm...mom, did you accidentally forget something at the mall? Umm...me?
Cate: (realizing) Oh! That's what I forgot!
Paul: How'd you come?
Bridget: Oh, do you want the exact details? Okay. (Sits down) Well...I was at the mall, after I lost my dear mother. I saw a phone. I put a penny in the phone. I picked up the phone. I dialled a number...
Rory: I feel sorry for you, dad.
Kerry: I know, me too.
Bridget: ...and I called my boyfriend and he came and picked me up from the mall because my dear family didn't notcie I was gone and now here I am, telling you this story.
Paul: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You have a boyfriend?
Cate, Kerry and Rory (at the same time): Uh-duh!
Paul: Seriously? You all know that Bridget has a boyfriend except me? Who is this guy? Dan again?
Bridget: Dan? Pgh, who's Dan?
Paul: Your ex-boyfriend who we invited to dinner a month ago.
Bridget: Dan's still alive? (Pause) His name is Jermey.
Paul: Jermey? Wha - what kind of name is that? It's, like, a cat's name or somethin'. (Pause) You know? (with a baby voice, as if talkingt to a cat, dog or baby) "Jermey, come over here." (motions in the air as if a shadow comes onto him and attacks him and causes him to fall down)
Bridget: Yeah, that's him. (makes a face in the air)
Cate: Kerry, can you get me the red bowl from the fridge?
Kerry: Sure, mom. (opens the fridge)
Paul: (to Bridget) How long have you and the cat boy been dating?
Bridget: It's been, like, three months.
Paul: Three months? Whoa, what? Were you, like, dating him and Dan at the same time? (Laughs, mockingly at a joke)
Kerry: There you go, mom. (Hands to her mother a blue bowl)
Cate: I said "red bowl"! What are you, deaf? (Takes it away from Kerry and heads to the fridge. Opens the fridge for a second then closes it and keeps the blue bowl with her) Sorry, there was no red bowl, honey. (Touches Kerry's shoulders)
[Scene: The Living Room and The Kitchen at the same time since both rooms are set on the first floor on the same set; Cate is making food in the kitchen. Rory, Paul and Kerry are sitting on the couch]
Cate: Guys, can you come and help me a while? I need your help.
Kerry: Oh, sure, mom. (Gets up and heads to the kitchen, but to realize is the only one)
Cate Aw, Paul! You don't have to help that much! (Pause) Oh, come on, Paul, stop helping me. (Pause) Paul, stop putting all your effort on helping your wife. (Pause) Oh, Paul...
Paul: Okay, okay! Gosh, I get it. We'll help. Come on, Rory. (Gets up and heads to the kitchen)
Rory: (Getting up too, anyway) What? Hey! She didn't say I should help!
Cate: Actually, Rory, I need you over here.
Rory: Aw, great, you gave her the option now!
Kerry: What are we working on, anyway?
Cate: It's halloween tonight so I invited your Aunt Mary for dinner. Maybe we could share a pleasant evening with spooky nights and stories plus dinner, which I made. With less help from Paul.
Paul Yeah, I hope dinner this year's gonna be better than last year's.
Cate: She hit me with the pumpkin!
Paul: I know, that wicked bitch!
Cate: But still, you know, she's my sister and everything. It's nice to have a family gathering. It's full of love and laughter. (walks away from Rory and Kerry and mouths to Paul, "And hate")
Kerry: Is cousin RICK and Jonathon coming with her too? Please say no, please say no, please say no...
Rory: Why? I have fun with them. Last year, we were playing Hide-And-Go-Seek at dinner, and it was RICK's turn to go seek, so Kerry and I told him that the closet next to your (Cate and Paul's) bedroom is not allowed to be taken. But as soon as RICK started couting, Kerry and I went into the closet and the locked it! (Pause) And then, the funniest thing, (tiny laugh) we couldn't get out.
Kerry: (Joins him laughing) Yeah, and it took us fifteen minutes. (Suddenly starts crying)
Paul: Our mature teenagers!
Cate: No, their kids aren't coming.
Kerry: Thank god.
Cate: But her husband, Jack, is comin'.
Paul: What? Really? They got back together?
Cate: Yeah, well, that's what I heard. I mean...they were even living apart of each other. Which they realized is wrong and bad. So he's coming too. So you cannot show him your porn magazines, Paul.
Paul Damn it!
Bridget: (coming down the stairs) Hey!
Kerry: Hey! Bridget, we're making Halloween food, what does it remind you of?
Bridget: Aaaahhh! The closet!
Rory: Yeah! We just told mom and dad, they think we're wild.
Bridget: You were mean!
(The phone rings)
Paul: Oh, let me get that.
Cate: No no no no no no no no...
Paul: Don't worry, I washed my hands. (Shows her his hands)
Cate: No, but...
Paul: I swear!
Cate: It may be Mary and I really have to talk to her. Bridget, can you check the stuffed potatoes while I answer the phone?
Bridget: How much you'll pay me?
(Cate goes over to the counter or bar of the kitchen, wipes her hands with a towel and answers the phone, which is set on the counter or bar, whatever)
Cate: (answers the phone) Hello?
Bridget: (has opened the door and in disgust, loudly) Eeeeeewwww!
Cate: (on the phone) Yeah, no, that's the TV. (With her hands, motions to Bridget and the group to shut up)
Bridget: Come see this, it's, like, a black potato!
Cate: (on the phone) Oh, so you'll be here at seven? That'd be great, yeah. Yeah, of course. We'd be done by seven. No, not done eating. Done preparing. Yeah! (Pause) (excitedly) Oh, the kids are comin' too?
(Rory and Kerry glare up at Cate, both with their eyes widened)
Cate: (on the phone) No, they aren't? (Kerry and Rory sigh) Aw, too bad. Why don't you watch the play and then come over here, with the kids, they'll have so much fun with Cousin Rory and Kerry.
(Rory gasps as Kerry drops a fork, which she was holding, on the floor)
Cate: (on the phone)Okay, great! Yeah, and Jack's gonna have so much fun with Paul. (Paul looks frustrated.) Yeah, he's gained, like, a fifty pounds.
Paul: Did not!
Cate: (on the phone) Okay, so glad you're comin' over. Can't wait. Okay, bye! (Hangs up the phone and looks up at the group, who are all glaring at her) She forced me to say those things!
Bridget: Well...great, at least I will be the only normal human being to be having the best Halloween night ever.
Paul: And why is that?
Bridget: You know, 'cause...Jermey coming over and everything.
Cate: Uh...I'm sorry. Ummm...who comin' over in a what now?
Bridget: Well...I asked Jermey to come over for Halloween Dinner.
Paul: Did you take our permission?
Rory: (to Kerry) This is fun.
Cate: Bridget, your Aunt Mary is so suspicious and everything. She's gonna start asking you where you met, where you had your first date, when you two had your first kiss. That would be kind of awkward to your boyfriend. He's gonna think your family's a weirdo and that's too early for him to find out!
Bridget: So what - I can't have dinner on Halloween with my own boyfriend now?
Bridget: Let someone have a good time at dinner tonight! (goes upstairs)
[Scene: Bridget's and Kerry's Bedroom; Bridget is there as Kerry enters]
Kerry: Hey. Still frustrated about Jermey, huh?
Bridget: Yeah, gosh, I mean...this is, like, the first and the only guy I'm dating now and they're not gonna let me have dinner with him? (Pause) It's not, like, I'm dating three or four guys at the same time or somethin'!
Kerry: Because if you were, they would let you.
Bridget: I'm sick of sticking to the rules and not doing anything dangerous, adventurous that would, like, risk my life. I wanna do something dangerous, adventurous that would risk my life! (Pause) I wanna go to Mount Everest and throw myself.
Kerry: I totally respect your decision.
Bridget: I wanna do somethin' to break the law, you know? Me not breaking the law and just listening to my parents isn't me. Now I'm, like, you!
Kerry: It doesn't hurt me to be referred as "not a law-breaker". (Pause) But, hey, if it makes you feel any better, look at me. I'm not gonna have dinner with my boyfriend. I'm spending my Halloween dinner with my parents and cousins! (Pause) That's, like, the Number One Nightmare Halloween Story!
Bridget: It does. It does make me feel better. (Pause) It's just that, lately, Jermey have been dying to meet me and have been doing the impossible to be with me, but me, I mean...I try and try and try but I end up in a room like this with my fifteen year old sister talking about my misery.
Kerry: Who is bored, F.Y.I. (Pause) Listen, I got an idea. It's dangerous, adventurous and you're gonna have to risk yourself doing it. Even if you have to give up the thing you mostly love.
Bridget: (Hugs a read pillow) No no, not my pillow! (Pause) So what's your brainiac idea?
Kerry: All right, all you need to use is you, the attic and Jermey.
(Silence. Bridget tries to figure it out)
Bridget: (confused) Okay...
Kerry: The first thing to do is to call Jermey and tell him that he's invited to Halloween Dinner.
Bridget: But he's not.
Kerry: That's my point. (Hands the phone to Bridget)
[Scene: The Living Room and The Kitchen at the same time since both rooms are set on the first floor on the same set; Kerry, Rory and Paul are helping Cate with dinner in the kitchen.]
Bridget: (coming down the stairs) Hey.
Rory: Hey, Kells.
Bridget: So I just talked to Jermey on the phone again. I told him the offer to come to Halloween Dinner at our house is unavailable anymore. Aaaww!
(Kerry smiles and gives her the thumb up)
Paul: You know, your mother and I thought about it enough and we decided to invite your Jermey to dinner again.
(Bridget looks at Kerry, not knowing what to do or respond)
Bridget: Wha-bu-how-but, but you said he can't come.
Cate: Yeah, we thought about it. And maybe it's better if he comes. Point out all the bad things about him.
Bridget: Oh, yea-ummm...you know? Unfortunately, he can't come anymore because-'cause it's also his brother's birthday party tonight, what a coincidence!
Paul: Halloween and a birthday at the same night? That's so spooky.
Bridget: Yeah, so so bad he can't come. So...let's just forget about that now and prepare dinner for Aunt Mary. Aunt Mary's coming.
Kerry: You can't belive my joy.
Cate: Oh, come on. You just entertain their kids. Oh! Play Hide-And-Go-Seek again!
Rory: Mom, don't you think we're too mature enough for us to do that now?
Paul: I don't.
Bridget: Definitely not!
Rory: All right, then, maybe we will!
Kerry: Yeah, but this time, the balcony.
(The door knocks)
Cate: Oh, this may be Mary and Jack! Okay, okay, Bridget and Kerry, quickly put down the forks. Rory, place the drinks. (Kerry very slowly starts placing a fork very carefully on every plate) That's not quickly, that's quickly! (Takes the forks from her and throws them carelessly on the table, not aware where they land)
Kerry: No, that's awarelessly.
Cate:: Okay, okay, you guys ready?
Bridget: Okay, yeah. OH NO WAIT! (opens her sweater a little more) Now, go!
Cate: All right.
Paul: You guys ready to meet your match?
(Cate opens the door. A man and hot skinny woman with two fourteen and fifteen year old kids are standing there)
Cate: (surprised) Mary, oh, my god. Hi. (Hugs her) You're skinnier, somehow or I think I need glasses.
Mary: No you don't, you silly ass! (Pause) I lost a hundred pounds!
Cate: Oh, my god. I can't believe it.
Paul: I know, me either. You may be the hottest woman I ever hate. (Cate shoots him a look) Okay, not "hate", but don't make me say "like".
Cate: Hi, Jack!
Jack: Cate. Paul. What's up, dog? (Shoots him a forearm shot which lands Paul in pain)
Paul: (in pain) Hi, Jack.
Jack: Oh, and look at these two little grownups. RICK, Jonathan, Rory and Kerry are waiting for you.
Rory: (to Kerry) One more word and I'm gonna do some serious damage around here.
(Everyone handshakes; Cate closes the door)
Mary: (looking at the house) Wow, Jack, look at this. Our place is as twice as their place.
Cate: Ummm...actually, Mary, that's just the living room and the kitchen. The bedrooms and the bathroom are upstairs.
Mary: Oh, you have bedrooms? (Pause) That's so old-fashioned.
Paul: So, Jack, you guys are back together?
Mary: Yeah, my Jackie and I talked about it and we realized that sometimes, things in life are more important. Like bologna.
Paul: I know what you're talking.
RICK: Yo, Rory, wuz up?
Rory: Ummmm...'zup really good. (Pause) You?
RICK: Not much. I'm having ass surgery tomorrow. (Pause) Yo, who's that red-haired hottie over there?
Rory: Oh, no, no no no no no no...(turns around and realizes he's pointing to Kerry) That's Kerry! (Pause) My sister, dude!
RICK: You got a sister?
Rory: Yeah. She and Bridget over there.
RICK: That's your sister too? (Pause) Wow, looks more like your mother.
Jonathan: Hi, Rory.
Rory: Hello, Jonathan. Nice haircut, I like it.
Jonathan: I didn't purposely do it like this. RICK set my hair on fire.
Kerry: (coming over) Hi, cousins.
RICK: Hi, ma'am. Can I help you?
Kerry: It's me, Kerry. (Pause) Hey, do you guys remember that last year's Halloween or was it Thanksgiving dinner? I guess Halloween when Rory and I purposely and not accidentally locked ourselves in that closet upstairs. (Pause) It was a fun time.
Jonathan: Yeah, and I remember that time where Rory called you a meanie, wicked old fattie.
(RICK and Jonathan laugh, but Kerry and Rory don't; actually, Kerry gives Rory a meanie look)
Rory: Okay, enough of stories, cousins! (pushes RICK and Jonathan away)
[Scene: Same scene as above but a moment later; the dinner table is set. Food is put on the bar or counter in the kitchen. Everyone is seated. To be more recoreded, that's how the characters are seated from left to right: Bridget, Kerry, Rory, RICK, Jonathan, Mary, Jack, Cate and Paul.]
Kerry: (to Bridget) So? Things are set? Things are okay?
Bridget: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, sure. After this dinner, I'm gonna have my ears cut. (Pause) No more vodka for me.
Rory: (to Kerry) Hey, Kerry. Jonathan's got somethin' to tell ya.
Kerry: Oh, really? Okay.
(Rory looks at Jonathan)
Jonathan: (thinks) Kerry. (thinks) I was just kidding before when I said that Rory said that you are a meanie, wicked old...(thinks) fattie. (Pause) It was all just a joke. I was mistaken. (to Rory) Mistaken's the word, right?
Kerry: (groans) Ugh, god! (turns around)
Rory: No, wait, Kerry. (to Jonathan) Oh, what are you good at?
Mary: (to Cate) Oh, Cate, this stuffed potato tastes great.
Bridget: Of course it does.
Cate: Thank you. Hey, I got an idea. To make this night more spooky, let's tell each other Halloween nights from the past.
Paul: Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. And maybe later we can watch some TV. (gets excited)
Cate: It's enough for today, Paul.
Paul: It's unfair, Cate.
Mary: Oh, that's funny. Cate, you still force Paul into doing things that he doesn't want to do 'em?
Cate: No, we were just kidding.
Marly: (sarcastic) Okay! (Laughs)
Cate: I'm not kidding that we were just kidding, Mary.
Mary: Okay, okay. So, halloween nights. (Thinks) Ooh! I got one. It was Winter Camp 1985, it was halloween. I woke up in the middle of the night and no one was awake. I saw someone out there throwing water out of his mouth or something. I couldn't recognize who. It frightened me till death.
Cate: Oh, that's a funny story. So let's make a toast for...(Holds her glass of wine)
Mary: And it was Cate throwing up!
(Mary and Jack laugh, then Paul joins them, not until Cate shoots him a meanie look)
Cate: That's a nice story, Mary. Thank you for sharing tonight.
Mary: Oh, I got another one!
Cate: But it's enough for tonight!
Mary: Winter 1988, I was still sleeping at my parents' house and so was Cate. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen. There was, like, this huge shadow in front me which frightened me till death. Guess what is was?
Jack: A mirror?
Paul: The Giant?
Mary: (Shaking her head) It was Cate. (Pause) She was gained, like, three hundred pounds! (Pause) And she was eating Brownies in the middle of the night. (Paue) Wow! My sister was a cow in college! (Pause) Oh, I'm sorry, I've been talking a lot, just shut me up.
Cate: Just tell me how. (Pause) Oh, you know what? I just thought of a story.
Mary: No, I'm sorry, Cate. Sharing time's over. (Eats)
(Paul puts his arm around Cate to support her)
[Scene: The Living Room and The Kitchen at the same time since both rooms are set on the first floor on the same set; continued from before]
Kerry: (to Bridget) When's Jermey gonna be here?
Bridget: I don't know, he'll miss call me when he's out there.
Kerry: (gasps) You have a cell? Mom and dad are gonna be so upset.
Bridget: Yeah, hiding my boyfriend in the attic, they're gonna be upset about the phone thing.
Mary: (Continuing something)...and then just out of nowhere, Cate comes by and jumps into the pool. Everyone in the pool jumped right back up because, you know, my sister was fat.
Paul: You know, this is interesting, two minutes ago, we were talking about Halloween nights, now we're talking about a pool and a scary pigeon.
Cate: Okay. (Tiny laugh) I just thought of one night. Umm...it was a halloween party which was taking place at a friend, whose now a realtor. (Pause) Just out of nowhere, this huge man with scary beard and legs break the door open and scare everybody off. That was Mary!
(Mary gasps as the group laughs)
Mary: Yeah, but at that night with the same costume, I won the first award of the best Halloween costume ever, Cate got fourth and cried! (Pause) We were eighteen!
Jack: You know what? I think it's enough of the stories right now. Why don't we...
Cate: Why don't you? Shut up, okay? (Pause) It was Halloween night and Mary wasn't allowed to have dinner with her boyfriend...
Bridget: Yeah, I know what you felt.
Cate: So she disguised as dad, went to her boyfriend's place, who F.Y.I, Jack, wasn't you...(Pause) and scared him off. He threw her outside, broke up with her and she cried. She was twenty two!
(The group laugh, endlessly)
Jack: Oh, my god! (Pause) That's so spooky!
Mary: (Facing Jack) Really, Jack? What did you do on Halloween when you were twenty five? (Facing the other goup, sarcastic) (Tiny laugh) He dressed as a woman, wore a pink dress and put on red lipstick.
(The goup laugh)
Paul: Oh, my god. I'm not wearing the worst costume anymore!
(He laughs but nobody join him; Cate looks at him)
Cate: You're not even wearing a costume!
Paul: Really? Cow!
Rory: (to Kerry) See? Everybody says it, nobody gets mad.
(Kerry gives him a SHUT-UP look)
Mary: Oh -and I'm not done of the Jack-woman story.
Jack: Ohhh, god.
Mary: That evening at a halloween party in the neighborhood, a guy came toward him and said, "You look pretty, ma'am." (Pause)
Paul: (gives Jack the thumb up) Score!
Mary: And then he kissed him!
(Everyone laughs endlessly)
Jack: Okay, so moving from Halloween spooky stories-slash-nights to Halloween embarrassing-harrassing-funny stories-slash-nights.
Cate: (Out of control and laughing) Aaah, oh, my god. Please, my makeup! (Walks over to the kitchen)
Mary: Oh, well, what do you know? The cow's gone.
(Cate turns around and glares at Mary)
Cate: But she's not deaf. (Turns around again and walks away to the kitchen)
[Scene: Time Lapse; The others are still on the table while Bridget and Kerry both get up and head to the kitchen to talk.]
Kerry: So? Any good news?
Bridget: No, he didn't call yet. Who was I kidding? He's not gonna come.
Kerry: Hey, wait. Give him some more time. Okay? And, you know, worse comes to worst, he won't come.
Bridget: I can't believe it. I mean...Jermey and I have been...
(Cate joins the two in the kitchen)
Bridget: (changing the subject) Oh, hi, mom. (Pause) What's up?
Cate: (Sarcastic) Oh, nothing. Everything's good. Just one more talk with Mary and I'm jumping on the table.
Kerry Really that bad, huh?
Cate: Yeah. She's making me look bad. (Pause) So who's Jermey?
Bridget: Who's Jermey?
Cate: You were talking about some guy named Jermey. Is he your boyfriend?
Bridget: No. (She pauses) Jermey is...Jermey is...Jermey is the...salesman!
Cate: The who?
Bridget: Oh, just kidding. There's no Jermey the Salesman. Uhhh...(Pauses)
(She looks at her cell phone which she's hiding. It's silent. But the words can read: "Jermey Calling".)
(Bridget and Kerry trade looks)
Kerry: I'll explain, mom. Bridget, didn't you say you wanted to go to the bathroom?
Bridget: Yeah, yeah. Ummm...yeah. (Walks away and mouths to Kerry, "Thank you. Kerry raises her hand as in "No problem" as Bridget goes up the stairs).
Cate: So who's Jermey?
Kerry: Do you know the salesman Jermey?
[Scene: Upstairs; The Corridor between Bridget's and Kerry's bedroom and Rory's bedroom. Bridget is helping Jermey, Bridget's boyfriend, come down the attic]
Bridget: Aw, gosh, how much do you weigh?
Jermey: I'm sorry. But this seems so romantic. (Pause) You know what? I'll just drop. Step away.
Bridget: No, you know what, Jermey? I really don't think that's a good...
Jermey: (screaming) STEP AWAY!
Bridget: (afraid) Okay! (Pause) Jackass.
(Jermey jumps down the attic and falls down. Bridget helps him get up)
Bridget: Oh, my god, Jermey, are you okay?
Paul: (Suddenly appearing) Yeah, Jermey, are you okay?
Jermey: Yeah, it's okay, I'm fi -(Notices Goegre) Hello, Mr. Haynes. (Seems afraid. Glares at Bridget)
Bridget: (Cracking up) Yeah, hi, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. (Pause) What's up?
Paul: So, Jermey, how's your brother's birthday party?
(Jermey gets confused as Bridget damns herself)
Jermey: It was...all good.
[Scene: The Living Room; the next day. Kerry and Rory are coming down the stairs. Cate is already there]
Kerry: Mom, last year at Halloween, Rory called me a wicked, meanie fattie!
Rory: I said I'm sorry.
Kerry: Still, "Sorry" doesn't replace the fact that you accused me that I'm fat, wicked and...(Thinks) Well, maybe I'm a little meanie, but...
Cate: Rory, apologize to Kerry.
Kerry: He already did, but I'm just not...
Cate: (Interrupting) And Kerry, accept the apology.
Rory: Kerry, I'm sorry.
Kerry: Okay, Rory. No problem. But hey, at least we didn't have to play with RICK and Jonathan last night!
Rory: I know!
Kerry: Yeah. High five!
(They high five)
Cate: I have weird kids.
(Kerry and Rory go up the stairs as the bell rings. Cate opens the door and it's Mary)
Cate: (excited) Mary, oh, my god! (Frustrated) Why are you here?
Mary: Jack and I broke up.
Cate: Oh, my god. Come in. Come in. (Closes the door) So now, seriously, why are you here?
Mary: Jack and I got a divorce last evening. He said that he thinks I'm a meanie wicked bitch!
Cate: Aaaww. That's so sad. It's true, but so sad.
Mary: What do I do? I mean...he kicked me out of the house. And he said that he's going to Miami with the kids. I can't even see the kids anymore. Can you believe this?
Cate: (Frustrated for her sister) Oh, my god, Mary...
Mary: Can my life BE any better? (Laughs, hysterically)
Cate: (Shocked) I'm sorry, what was that now?
Mary: Gosh, finally peace on earth, have mercy! (Pause) So sorry for you, though. (Pause) You know, you have to handle your noisy kids and everything. I feel so sad for you. (Pause) Can I stay here?
(Long silence. Cate is shocked and speechless)
Cate: So you said you and Jack got a divorce?
(Bridget quietly starts to come down the stairs until...)
Mary: Yeah, so can I live here for a while?
(Bridget quickly starts rushing upstairs as she trips and falls down)
Author's Note: Please review this now. It's not over, by the way. I have a bunch of more storylines coming up but not sure if I'm going to use them and actually write something. Tell me what you think, please! And thank you, a million, for reading.