A/N: This is spawned from a story on Facebook, and I just had to make it into a crack with the boys.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. This is only for entertainment and not for profit.
Dean was getting ready for a date, he had not been on a date for a long time, so it had to be perfect. Alice sounded like the perfect girl for him. She was a hunter, and she just didn't believe in relationships. She just wanted sex, and nothing more. How often would you find a perfect girl like that?
Alica and Dean had texted a lot lately, even chatted a bit. So Dean knew what she liked, and what she didn't like. One of the turn off's were hair. So Dean had gone to a store and gotten hold on some wax he could use cold. It would leave no trail and he could hide the strips from Sam. He would rather die, then let his younger brother find out. What the plans for this night were. Dean had come up with a lame ass excuse to be alone. Sam had wondered of with Cas. Both had been sulking, one for being out of the loop, the other for being kicked out of his room, so he could do no research.
Dean had asked around, about the wax. He had been told that the hot wax burned like hell, yet it was better than the cold one. However that meant that Dean could get caught. So he went for the cold wax, that he could warm in his hands, before pulling the paper from each side, where the wax was in the middle. He would use the entire pack and get nice and soft, with no stubs or other annoying things.
Dean was sharp, he wasn't as brainy as Sam, however he could take care of himself. He smiled as he locked the door to the bathroom, as he got ready to wax himself. Alice had told him it was painful, and Dean had smirked. Girls just couldn't take any pain, when it got down to it. He grabbed the hair-dryer, and used it to get the wax hot. The strips just slid of, and Dean felt mighty smart. He put the strip on his shin, getting ready for the pain. However it was nothing. Dean smiled as he was once more confirmed that girls were girly, and could not take anything.
Dean felt like a god, like the thigh master of hair removal. This was his bitch, he owned the wax, and he would be sure to make a comment on the so called pain. When he had done Alice, she would never outlive this. Dean was arrogant enough to move further north with the strips. He would get all the hair away, and make sure he got what he wanted. It was after all the only reason he was doing what he was.
He did his legs, feeling very brave and smart. Dean placed his foot on the toilet, and made room. So he took another strip, and placed it on his inner thigh. At the so called bikini-line. As it was a very long strip he covered his more private parts with the strip. It went all the way from the back to the front, Dean knew the pain would be nothing. He was after all a hardcore hunter. Dean rubbed it on, so it would get it all of in one go. He looked in the mirror as the cocky sexy guy in the mirror smiled back. He would get this over with, and get laid, and never tell Sammy. He looked down, making sure the skin was tight, as he had been told to do. He grabbed the strip and pulled!
Dean was blinded by the pain. 'Goddamnit!' Dean panted from the pain, as he buckled forward to catch his breath.
After what felt like a very long time, that being said as a hardcore hunter, that was used to pain. Dean's vision returned. The first thing that Dean saw was that he had only gotten half of the strip of. Dean cursed as he took a deep breath and got ready to pull of the other half of the strip. RIIIPS! The room started to spin around. Dean had spots for his eyes, as he was considering if he was about to pass out. Not that hardcore hunters ever fainted, however Dean was sure he was really close to passing out.
Dean grabs the toilet, holding on. He knew if he let go, he would pass out. 'Must stay up! Was that drums he could hear? Breathe Dean, breathe!' Christ almighty. Dean didn't move until he felt better, and the room wasn't spinning around, or his blood pumping so hard, he was sure he was waking up the newly weds in the next room. When Dean felt better, he got ready to see his trophy, the victory of the hunter vs the hair.
Dean grabbed the strip that had caused him so much pain. It would be filled with his hair. He was already smug, as the smile on his lips was one of victory. But... Where was the hair, even worse. WHERE WAS THE WAX?
Dean felt the mild panic as he bended slowly over to take a look. The foot was still on the toilet. Dean could see the hair. The hair that was supposed to be on the strip. It wasn't on the strip. Dean had to make sure, so he touched himself to double check that it was still there. However his fingers touched not hair, but wax. He was touching his most sensitive place on his body, and all he felt was cold wax and hair. How could this have happened?
Then Dean made his second mistake. One of the many big mistakes he would do that night.
Dean had his foot on the toilet, he had to do something. So he took down his foot from the toilet, and stood on the floor. For a brief second he believed this would turn out just fine. Then it hit him. He had just closed his legs. His legs where glued together, making his ass closed completely. Dean started to walk around the bathroom, doing a pathetic imitation of a penguin, while he was going over the option of what to do next. Dean started to panic.
'Please, don't let me have to crap now, cause I think my head will blow off if this happens!'
Dean tried to calm down, as he went over the options, of how to get the wax of, with minimum pain, and still keep some dignity. However he was coming up short, that was when the next great idea came to him. 'What do I do to melt the wax?' Hot water. It was just so simple, so straight forward, how could this not have come to him sooner? Dean was once more thankful that Sammy wasn't around, cause he would never outlive this. Dean wasn't even sure if Cas would let him outlive this one. However neither were back, and all Dean had to do was let the hot water run in the bathtub, and soon all proof would be gone, of this catastrophe.
When the water was done running, Dean sat down carefully. It was very hot, so it would melt the wax of faster. Dean however he had been wrong again! The water was warmer than the normal degree of what you used to, to use for torture of terrorists. However this did not scare of Dean, he was after all a hunter. And a damn fine one. The heat was sure to melt the wax at once, however the second Dean's rear touched the scalding hot tub, his rear was glued to the tub. There was only one thing worse than getting your lower regions melted together, and that was getting the lower regions melted tight to the tub.
Dean moaned from the heat, as he was sure for a couple of seconds that the wax would melt, however he was once more proven wrong. The wax didn't even have the dignity to melt, and get this trial as it was turning out to be over with. Dean was only thankful for one thing, that he had been smart enough to take his cell with him to the bathroom. However now was the time to find the friend he would call to get him free. Of course there was no way he could call Alice, she would die laughing and he would never get laid. So he could call Sammy or Cas. Both choices were horrid.
Dean sighed as he wondered which one of the two would have the knowledge of how to get him free of his current situation, and let him keep some of his self-esteem. However both would make jokes, however Sammy would most likely be the best call for this. Even though Cas had gotten Dean out of hell, there was no way he would get him out of this jam.
However before calling Sam, Dean reached for the shaver to try and shave of the wax. However that was just another bad idea. The burn and the wax just made a mess of it all, and in the end, all Dean ended up with, was more pain, and still stuck to the bath tub. Dean gave up and called Sammy.
When Sam finally answered the phone, another thing had hit Dean. How was he going to explain what had happened, and what situation he had gotten himself into. The so called friend in trouble would not do this time, Sammy would just show up, and that would be even worse.
'Sammy listen to me, Don't ask any questions, just listen okay?'
There was no answer, and Dean just frowned at Sam being smart. Okay so he was still bitter on the hole get out of the hotel room tonight.
'Sam I am kinda stuck in a bad assed situation. And honest to god, I have no idea how to get out of it. It's a sticky situation. So please no jokes. Just help me out!'
'What is it this time, Dean?'
Dean bit his tongue, he had been in a sticky situation just the other week, and it had been with one of Sammy's school friends. He had not been happy, and it was clear he was thinking Dean was pulling another trick on him.
'Sam just promise you wont laugh!'
'How can I promise that, when I have no idea what you are stuck too.'
The pun wasn't wasted on Dean, however he wasn't about to tell Sam how right he was, at least not yet. Dean gave Sam the short version, ignoring the failed attempt to not laugh, that Sam didn't even try to make.
'My privates are stuck to the bath tub!'
Sam coughed as he asked into the more detailed version.
'Privates? Not to meantion How?'
Dean gave him the slightly longer version. Which only earned him a 'Why?' Dean was getting slightly annoyed, as the pain was still to real to make him appreciate the jokes. Sam had no idea how to get Dean out of this situation, however he didn't even try not to hide the laughs, or even come up with a cover story to Cas, when the angel asked who was calling, and why Sam had tears in his eyes. Cas sounded worried, and Dean wanted to just drown himself, however his rear was still stuck so he would have to be very bendy to get his head under the scalding water.
The following pause that came from Sam, while Cas was trying to understand what was going on. Was shattered by laughs as others in the bar Sam and Cas were in, got the story. Cas had to be explained the entire situation before he understood just a little. By that time, Dean knew he would never come back to that bar in his life again. The laughter and ideas from the bar are loud and colourful. Dean sighs, as Sam tries to convince him to call the number on the wax package. However there was no way Dean was going to be the joke of the night. Well a bigger joke.
Then he spots his saviour.
On the sink is the oil that one can use to remove the extra wax. Dean is almost in tears, he pulls out the water from the tub, before he uses the tissue to wipe the wax of. However the scream that followed the wiping, scared Sam and must have awoken the entire postcode. Dean however doesn't care. Its working. Its working!
Sam laughs the second he is told it worked. Clearly relived that his older brother is still alive. However Dean doesn't wait for Sam to tell the bar, that he is free. The second he is free, he looks down, disappointed to see the hair is still there. However he has a date, not that he believes for a second that he is even gonna be able to preform. However he shaves his lower region, which by then is numb. However Dean has conquered the hair, even if it did cost him his dignity. Dean smiles as he puts back Sam's shaver back in his toilet bag. Dean couldn't wait to see Sam use it!
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