This is my very first fan fic EVER so be kind. I loved Delirium but thought this scene needed a little something extra...enjoy!
I do not own any of the characters or the story.
My heart pounds as I take in "the Wilds" that Alex has created for us in 37 Brooks. I close my eyes as the soft breeze from the new open ceiling washes over me and for a moment I am free. I am not matched with Brian, I am not forced to live a life without the greatest gifts I could ever have been given. One of them being the humanity I feel every day. The caring of others, the lov…no, I can't quite say it yet, that I feel for those close to me; Hana, Gracie, and even the memories of my mother. And the second gift: the person standing directly behind me. I was so close to missing this chance. To being cured before I ever had the chance to feel this strongly for another human being. My heart aches with the knowledge that I almost never had him. But I do have him. In this very moment it is just me and him. I turn towards him and catch his eye. My breath catches in my throat as I see him standing there in the candlelight so strong, like the pillar holding me to this new world I have just discovered. The candles dance over his strong features making him look more masculine then I have ever seen him. But their softness makes him somewhat venerable, open. There is a smugness in his eyes, a cockiness in his smile that makes me think, no, Know that he knows how much this means to me; knows how much HE means to me. Not just the fact that he created this world in the midst of a small hell, but the simple fact that he came back. He could have left well enough alone. Could have realized that my pairing was unavoidable and cut his losses before either of us got any more attached. When I had the procedure I would forget about him, move on with my life, but him…he would always remember me. Care for me. There would always be a hole inside of him yearning to be filled with me. It would be so much easier in the long run for him to just leave. But he didn't.
He holds my glance for I don't know how long. All I know is I don't want this moment to end. Us to end.
As if he is thinking the same thing he murmurs "Lena" so softly I'm not sure he really said it. I close the distance slowly between the two of us and meet him in a strong embrace. Wrapping his sturdy arms around me I feel safe. Wanted. The pressure of his arms around my shoulders and pressing into my back only intensify the feelings I have for him. Before I know it I am crying silently, soaking his t-shirt with my salty tears. The pain of losing him crashes down on me and I can barely handle it. As much I hate this feeling, this tight, anxious, terrible feeling, I never want it to end. Because if it does it means I am cured. That I no longer care for this boy in my arms. He senses my tears and I feel a soft pressure on the top of my head as he kisses my hair and squeezes me tighter into him, trying to bring me as close to him as humanly possible with just a hug.
"why?" I ask quietly.
Alex gently puts his finger on my chin and lifts it up to meet his gaze. His beautiful eyes filled with sorrow. "It doesn't have to be like that" he says. "at least not tonight. Tonight it is just you and me, and nothing can stop us from being together."
He's right. Not the government, not my allergic to life match, not even my thoughts. It is just us. I raise my hand to his face and gently run my fingers over his cheek, his nose, his closed eyes, trying to memorize every inch, vowing never to forget any of him. He pulls me in close and leans down so that our cheeks are touching. As his stubbled chin scratches my soft cheek my breath hitches in my throat. I realize for the first time tonight that his is not the boy I am afraid to lose, but the man I long to be with. My heart starts beating faster, I can feel the blood that it is sending though my veins and I feel very much alive. I stiffen in his arms as the reality of what might happen tonight hits me. It's scary that one little scratch of unshaved hair could have such an effect on me.
"You ok?" Alex asks quietly running his fingers lightly up and down my arms, sending chills through my whole body. I have never felt this alive with Alex before.
I'm not sure what to say to him. I want to say I want to have you tonight. All of you, before I can't anymore. But I don't even know if that is true. I have only thought of that once with Alex back in the real Wilds in his tiny roofless home and it scared me to death. Sure I know the mechanics of it. Aunt Carol explained everything to me a few years ago as if she were telling me about the best cleaner to use on the kitchen floor. It was just something, unfortunately mandatory, that married couples did to create offspring. To keep the human race going. But these feelings, this sweet feeling starting in my chest, slowly radiating through my body in a low pulse and then resting heavily in my stomach is something I'm afraid isn't present with cured partners. And that scares me even more then the possibilities of tonight. I quickly let my mind flutter to my wedding night with Brian. My stomach takes a quick escape from the bliss that it is feeling at this moment and does a sickening flop as I think of my match, him not particularly wanting to be with me that way, but knowing it is mandatory for our union to be complete. He doesn't care about me or us, he only cares about protocol. Who knows, maybe he'll be allergic to me and afterwards he'll fall dead on the spot. I could always wear lip balm made from peanut oil to help things along…
I quickly force that thought out of my mind and look up at the beautiful eyes searching above me. These thoughts all happen in a matter of seconds but these seconds make my mind up for me. Instead of answering his question with words I lean in and kiss him forcefully. I can tell that he is surprised because he has to step backwards to maintain his balance but quickly recovers. I can feel him fighting a tight smile under my lips, clearly amused by my action. I run my hands over his strong t-shirt covered chest as my heart pounds harder, pumping more blood all around, to places I never knew it could be pumped to. His hands now taking over for his light fingers, rubbing harder over my arms.
For a brief moment I remember something that I heard about the ancient religious teachings. About saving this part of you for marriage and that your soul cannot reach heaven if you break this sacred rule. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's my full fledged exposure to the disease, maybe the feeling that right here, right now, is my own personal heaven, but something makes me think that it would be an abomination not to do this with Alex, the one I….care for. I shouldn't have to save it for someone who could think no more of me then the cook, or the dishwasher when there is someone who wants me as much as I want him right here. I have made up my mind. This may be the last chance that we have if our plan to escape falls through.
This last thought causes something to stir inside me and I deepen the kiss. My tongue gently darts out and touches Alex's lips and he parts his mouth obediently, letting me gently graze his bottom lip. He lets out a soft moan and I know I have pleased him. I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to please him more so I repeat, letting my tongue flicker from his top lip to his bottom before darting quickly into his mouth, softly stroking his tongue with my own. He breaks off the kiss quickly only to replace his lips instantaneously on my neck causing trails of white fire wherever they touch. How could something that has been feared my whole life feel so amazing? How could anyone who has felt this alive choose to be cured? I quickly remember that most who have don't want to be cured. The girl from the news, her cheek on the pavement, is a quick reminder and I can understand exactly her actions now.
My hands slowly move down his chest and my heart races as they do so, finding the hem of his shirt and slowly playing with it until my hands slide underneath the thin fabric. This elicits another soft groan from Alex's mouth which excites me more. His skin is hot underneath my hands as I slowly trace the lines of his muscles. He quickly seperates momentarly only to rip the shirt over his head and toss it over his shoulder. His eyes catch mine for a moment and there is something there. Lust, I can only assume from what I have heard of it, but no, there is something more. Behind the face of longing there is something tender flickering in his eyes. As if he understands finally what my answer to his question "you ok?" is all about.
"We don't have to if you're not ready." he says gently.
My heart skips, thinking that this is my out if I wanted one. But I don't want one. I just shake my head and lean in to kiss him. He stops me briefly with both hands gently cupping each side of my face "You're sure?" he asks. I nod as I lean in to fill the remaining gap between us. This time he kisses me with more urgency than I can remember him ever having. Slowly he pushes me, leading me backwards to the blanket and breaking the kiss as he helps me to the floor. He joins me, his eyes never leaving mine as he sits. He leans in and kisses me with such gentleness, as if I am a soap bubble and if he is too hard I will pop and disappear forever.
"You know how much I care for you." He murmurs in my ear and I silently thank him for not using the "L" word. I'm still not comfortable hearing it spoken out loud although I know it's exactly what he means. I look into his eyes, so sincere, and whisper "I care for you, too"
I wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him as gently as his did me until we both can no longer keep that kind of control. I slowly lay down on my back bringing him with me and he doesn't resist in the slightest. My heightened senses can feel every inch of him on me and this awakens me even more. A soft throbbing begins to grow, starting from my stomach and penetrates deep into me. I moan loudly and Alex stiffens and starts to move off of me.
"Am I hurting you?" he asks quickly, a look of panic slowly creeping into his eyes. I pull him back onto me, needing to feel the weight of his body against mine.
"No," I say breathily with a small smile on my lips. "Does it always feel like this?" I ask shakely.
"So I hear," He replies breathlessly. These three words make me stop for just a minute. What did they mean? I look into his eyes somewhat confused.
"You mean you've never…"I let my sentence taper off.
He shakes his head quickly, eyes down. He brings them back up to meet mine and there's a small glint of amusement dancing in them "disappointed?" he ask. There's that stupid cocky smile again.
I just roll my eyes mocking annoyance to his silly comment but inside my heart swells with emotion. It is as if we unknowingly saved ourselves for each other. If I could marry him tomorrow I would but since that definitely not an option I consider this our wedding night.
Seriousness slightly takes over my laughing and I say, "I just assumed…since you are from the wilds…"
Alex's eyes soften, "I may be from the wilds, but I still lived in Portland the last half of my life where all of the girls," he lightly touches me nose "are all like you were."
Like I was. I let that sink in. I am no longer the same person that I was only 2 months ago and I'm not sad at all.
"Plus," he adds even softer, "if there was someone in the wilds that I ever wanted more than you…than us…right now, don't you think I would have just stayed? Never come back to Portland?" He takes a slow breath in and pushes it out shakily, "Ever since that first day I saw you running it's always been you."
Always me. He didn't even know me then and I had this strange power over him. When he did get to know me nothing changed. Actually it did. He cared more for me.
"I don't know what I'm doing…" I say shyly, looking down averting his gaze. I don't know whether I was referring to being intimate with him or our affair in general. Maybe it was both. He lifted my chin up to meet his gaze. His eye so full of understanding and caring all embarrassment washes away.
"Then we'll figure it out together." He says softly.
A smile reaches my lips just before he kisses them again.
I lay in his arms afterwards, the candlelight flickering over our bodies thinking about what had just happened; wondering how I ever lived without it. How I'll lever live without it in the future. I decide I can't, at least not without Alex. His hand gently rubbing absentmindedly over my shoulder, in my hair, across my bare back. I snuggle into him deeper, already missing him being as close as any two humans can be. We fumbled a little, "figuring it out together" as Alex would put it, but he was unmistakelably gentle with me. It hurt briefly as I gave him the greatest gift I could give and then there was nothing but sweet pleasure building inside of me until it had nowhere to go but everywhere. From the sounds that escaped Alex I knew that he had enjoyed it as much as I did and that alone made me happy. What we had just done wasn't dirty and unnatural as the government had brainwashed me into thinking in the past, but beautiful and pure. Nothing else, no one else, could make me feel so alive, so beautiful, so wanted, so…cared for as being with Alex.
Suddenly a feeling comes over me so strongly. It starts with a pressure right in my chest where my heart is and radiates outwards. I don't think that I have ever felt it this strong before but a part of me knows exactly what it is. I have caught the disease full on and it is a part of me now. I welcome it with open arms. The feeling keeps growing stronger and stronger until it needs an escape. My heart beats faster, not from thinking of what we had just done, but with knowing what I'm about to say. My body goes numb as if every cell is telling me to keep my mouth shut, but I fight it. I take in a breath and say softly, before I can let my reason stop me "I love you."
I feel Alex's arms tighten around me and feel his cheek against my hair lift as he smiles, "I love you, too."