Okay this was an idea that somehow came to mind. I don't what possessed me to even start writing this, but I know I just had too.
Anyway, a series of one shot crack fics, although this is my first time trying to write a crack fic of this style so go easy on me.
"Nya Kami-yan, mind if I ask you a question?"
Touma sighed as he was about to drink from his canteen. He knew there was no point saying no. It wasn't like Aogami would actually care what he thinks.
"When you finished making the zero harem, which girl will you choose?"
Let it be known that Kamijou has a very strong pair of lungs. Spitting out his water nearly three meters ahead of him he coughed violently. Glaring up at his supposed to be friend, he quickly reached forth and pulled him closer by his shirt.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Nya, Kami-yan, what Pierce is trying to say, is among your harem members, which ones do you fancy?" Tsuchimikado Motoharu asked as he appeared from behind his blue hair comrade suddenly.
"Are you guys idiots? I don't have a harem at all!"
There was no need to answer that question. Yes, Touma knew that they were idiots from the very start, and up to this very day, he still has no idea how his past self was able to befriend idiots like the two of them. He had a suspicion that his past self was probably an idiot just like them, but he quickly shook that thought off. Because if he was, than he was grateful for his memory loss.
For that could have been the only reason that he was turned back to normal person.
"Nya, there you go again denying it Kami-yan." The self proclaim superspy simply danced around his two friends, wrapping his arm over Kamijou's neck in a light headlock. "How long are you going to keep denying that, what about all those girls you hang around with?"
At that, the superspy's smile finally faded away. "Nya Kami-yan, I'm starting to think that your gay."
The imagine breaker roared out in outrage as without warning, he suddenly grabbed Tsuchimikado's arms and tossed him over. But like always, the superspy was one step ahead of him, and easily landed on his feet.
"Kami-yan, think about it. You've been hanging around with so many ladies, I can't even name them all, don't tell us you don't fancy anyone of them. But even if you don't, you should still keep them with you, after all real players know how to manage every single girl. Like take Rin from Shuffle, he fell in love with one girl and can still juggle four other extra girls."
"Are you an idiot? As if it's possible to do something like that in real life!" Kamijou immediately threw a punch towards Pierce who managed to dance around the fist. "Don't take me like I'm some sort of multi-timing player!"
"But Kami-yan, with all those ladies around you, how can we not?"
At that, Kamijou spun around, trying to backhand the double agent. But he simply spun around him, evading the blow.
"Yeah Kami-yan, you can't honestly expect us to believe that with all those girls around you, you haven't don't have a single fancy."
Both his friends immediately let out a sigh. Not knowing what to do or say. Either Kamijou was so dense that he needed to be ram over by a tank before he looked at another girl, or he was simply gay.
Kamijou took a step back. Both his so called friends cracking their knuckles. Even though recently with all the chaos in Russia, he managed to get some time to improve his hand to hand skills, he was at most only able to rival one of them at most. No way in hell was he going to fight the two of them off.
"Are you mocking us? Trying to rub it in our face that you have a harem and we don't?" Aogami began as he was about to come within striking range.
"Nya Kami-yan. I can forgive many things, but I've had it with you. Either your just stupid beyond words, or your still not satisfied with those girls. If you say neither, I'm going to break that illusion of yours!"
Immediately Touma winced. Hearing someone use his own catchphrase on him, was something he never thought would ever happen, and to top things off it was Tsuchimikado of all people who was saying that to him, oh the irony.
"Why the hell are you guys going on about this harem business? I keep telling you I don't' have any such thing!" By now he was desperate. "If your two idiots are so insistent on this harem business why don't you tell me all this girls of my so called harem?"
"Misaka Mikoto!" Aogami went first.
"Biri-biri? She's just some crazed lunatic who chases after me and attacks me every time she see me. Something about seeing me as a person she can use to improve her abilities. No one in their right mind would look at an insane elector psychopathic girl like her as a love interest."
"That's called being tsunadre Kami-yan."
"She a tsunadre? A tsunadre doesn't go around shocking people on the first contact even without saying a word." He huffed.
"Okay, how about Index?" Tsuchimikado asked this time.
Now Touma did a take back. "Index? You got to be kidding! She's just a free loader who eats and sleeps at my place with no other good benefits and-!"
"She's a mixture of a kuudere and a tsunadre." Aogami cut him off.
"Kuudere's don't bite people's head for no apparent reason!"
"Komoe-sensei!" The two of them cried out together.
"ARE YOU IDIOTS? SHE'S LEGAL JAILBAIL AND OUR HOMEROOM TEACHER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!"
"I don't know much about her."
"Kanzaki?" Tsuchimikado snidely asked while chuckling.
"ARE YOU KIDDING? I'm NOT READY TO DIE JUST YET!" Touma screamed as he backed away upon hearing the idea of her and him being together.
"She's the same as Komoe-sensei! Are you trying to get me arrested for even suggesting legal jailbait?"
For a moment, Touma actually considered her, since she wasn't a crazed psychopath who would probably kill him on a whim, but when he remembered how hard she could hit, he shook his head. "No. Just…no…"
"Well…She's a nice girl and all, but—"
"Never mind." The super spy simply keeping his mouth shut. As he thought, his friend was to dense to even notice her approaches.
"Fukiyose?" Aogami now suggested.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?"
By now, the superspy was beginning to become more and more frustrated. "Lessar?"
"I can't keep up with her, besides she's only 's not serious about the two of us."
"NO! Just…no…" He shuddered at the idea of him being paired up with that sadistic loli dominatrix.
"AHH!" Both his friends suddenly threw up their arms screaming. "That's it, you have to be gay!"
"I am not gay!" Kamijou yelled back at him.
"Then what is wrong with you? Every girl has some issue your not happy with!" Tsuchimikado angrily retorted.
"With my bad luck any relationship I have will fall apart quickly! No matter how I look at it, this poor Kamijou Touma is bound to be alone for the rest of his life." The unfortunate hero simply sighed again.
At that, the imagine breaker boy stopped all movement for a second. Did the two idiots just sigh?
"Okay, since your dense beyond hope, we'll do this another way." Aogami patted his back.
"Yeah, let's look at this another way." Tsuchimikado smiled as he did the same as his buddy and fellow comrade pierce. "Okay Kami-yan, I just need to ask you a simple question?"
"Yeah?" He knew that this wasn't going to end well.
The superspy smile widens.
And Kamijou without any understandable reason just falls to the ground. But as the last bits of his conscious fades, he hears one last thing. "Kami-yan, have you ever envision yourself being married to any girl?"
Every character will get a one shot. And sorry for the terrible ending, I just had no idea how to close it.