Sometimes I feel that my humanity has abandoned me. That I am less of a human then I hoped I would become, of course, I never hoped for much, but I thought that it would be more than this, this mess of a being that I have become, torn between motions, unable to overcome self doubt, self loathing. I have yet to think out a mere plan for the next few years, although I am struggling to do that, I am not the me I wanted to be, I am the me I chose. I am me.
It was about two years ago that I moved out of home, living in this apartment, off of rent money my parents give me. I don't get out much, I have no self worth, and I mostly eat junk food. Welcome to the 21st century. I often stare out into space, thinking how I could be making more of a difference, and also thinking about what mundane activity, such as going on the computer, or watching T.V. I could perform next. I have not been able to hold down a steady job, and often stay inside for long periods of time, only coming out for the necessities. I am not smart or I do not have a creative bone in my body. I have thought about doing something about this, but I always come back to the same activities. Perhaps it was the way I was raised, everything handed to me on a silver platter, not having to work for anything. I spend some days blaming my parents, still not doing anything about my current circumstances, or the fact that I have no job. I am lazy. I am nothing. I am dirt. Nothing i do will change that Nothing.
"...and a sunny day, with a slight chance of rain." Finished the weather report "and now back to the evening news..."
It was a typical... whatever day it was. All the days seem the same. Does it matter what you call them? The same thing happens on a Thursday and a Sunday. The only thing that changes is the shows on the television. Face it, life just isn't worth living. It's raining outside, better put a bucket down. I don't want to have to sleep on a wet carpet again. Oh, I'll do it later, it doesn't matter.
The alarm goes off, and I wake to the blinding light of the sun, shining through my apartment window. It burns, get rid of it. I shut the blinds. That's better. Face it, you're worthless.
A knock on the door startles me. I wake to find that I had passed out again. My head hurts.
"Who is it" I ask.
No reply. I walk over to the door and open it. Standing there was a girl, about my age, 21. Brown hair, brown eyes, small ears, and a blank expression on her face. Her clothes were like nothing I've ever seen, patches on her jeans, brown and red, making me think retro, with a red turtle neck that seemed to suite her more than the jeans, but they still complimented her nicely.
"Eh... hello" the girl says, slightly raising her eyebrow "I was..." then she trailed off, looking as though she was rethinking her whole strategy "I was wondering if you had any spare coffee..." she finally finished, her voice soft, almost soothing, with a sharp edge to it that seemed rather deadly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't drink coffee..."I replied, trailing off.
"Hmm, you're weird. Well I'm sorry I bothered you..." she trailed off, still looking uncomfortable.
"Ok" I say, and then shut the door.
I'm alone again now. Alone with my thoughts. How I love my thoughts. I start to think about, and realise what I said. I said ok, and then shut the door. I did it again, damn, often times I zone out when people are talking to me, and I don't acknowledge what they say, I'm so stupid! I look out the peep hole on the door. She's still there. I start to pace; I do this when I'm nervous. She doesn't want to talk to me, she already thinks I'm weird, and I shut the door on her. She must be there to make fun of me. Yes, that's it; she's out to get me. I look out the peep hole again, and she's still there. Damn if she stays there, I will never be able to leave. Why is she here? Who sent her? I want to find out, but I've already been out here for ten minutes, what do I say? 'Uh, hi, I was wondering WHAT THE HECK YOU'RE DOING OUTSIDE MY ROOM.'
Ok. Ok. Calm down, relax. She does look friendly. She's harmless, she's just a female. But wait, I don't know much about periods, what if she's on that? She COULD be crazy. Ok, just go out there, problem solved. I walk back to the door, and open it up a notch.
"What are you here for, really" I asked.
"I came to talk to you. I've seen you around, and you look like a friendly person to show me around" she said "I can pay you, I have plenty of money."
"What, you mean outside?"
I open the door and gesture for her to come in; she hesitates, susses my place out, then walks inside. I walk over to the computer desk and point to it, then she sits down the chair, and i rest against the wall.
"So, you've been here a long time right?" she asks me.
"Yes, two years exactly next week"
"Cool, and how are the people around here?"
"I just want to let you know, I don't get out much, and me letting anyone in here is a very rare thing, so you should consider yourself lucky."
"Oh, I do, believe me" she replies, looking down nervously at my water stained, light brown carpet.
"It rained last night"
"No, it rained three days ago"
I could hear a coin drop; her silence was as piercing as her voice. Face it, some of your neighbours sent her in to see who you were, because they never spoken to you, she's a spy.
"I have water. Want some water? You must be thirsty..." I started to get up, but she nervously takes a hold of my hand. I pull it away, and she does the same. It's unbearable. She's unbelievable. Coming into my room, sitting in my chair, making me feel uncomfortable.
"I... I'm sorry..." she says "I just... I just wanted to come around and talk to you. I don't know why, i just did. Most of the people around here seem to have a god complex, but not you. You just seem reserved. I just thought that was an admirable quality... that's all." She gets up to leave and this time, I am the one to reach up and stop her. For reasons unknown to me, i actually wanted her to stay. The awkwardness was unbearable, I'll admit, but I kind of liked it. I hadn't felt much affection towards me in a while; my parents barely spoke to me. When I went outside, I avoided people like the plague. But now, in this situation, I felt, even in the slightest, a somewhat connection with this girl, no, this person.
"Ok" I said." Even if you're not a big fan of water, I have some choc cookies left over from..."
If this girl were a dog, I swear her ears would have shot up. "CHOCOLATE COOKIES!" she suddenly burst out, jumping to her feet. After looking around and realise what she had done, she sat down suddenly sullen by her outburst, she immodestly withdrew her statement by saying "i don't know, i don't want to put you out or anything.
I like this girl. She had this type of finesse about her. She was radiating with untapped emotion, either because she willed it away or she was just that darn humble, that she didn't like many people seeing that side of her. I knew this was a bold statement, and i had only just et this girl, but she seemed quite unique, in her own kind of way.
"I'll be right back with those cookies then." I blurted out, a chivalry I had never before accomplished.
"Thank you." Was all she said, while the cookies were in her hands, She smiled as she picked each one up. A sweet smile, that soon turned sour, becomes more like an evil grin then anything. Nibbling on those cookies, i watched her as she admired each one before she devoured it whole.
She noticed me watching her. "whaaaat?" she asked, covering up the cookies, as if hiding evidence of a crime.
"nothing." Was all I could say. When she went back to finishing her cookies, she hadn't noticed that she had stolen a smile, not a large one, but it was there, not for long though.
What am I doing? Who is this girl anyway? I know nothing about her, and she is eating my food. Devouring it, like a black hole, and i just let her? I smiled. She made me smile. I haven't smiled in a long time. It felt good. Too good, perhaps, I began to question her motives again. But she was harmless, right? A sweet innocent lady, that just arrived and is eating chocolate like crazy. Like a mad... woman. But I didn't want her to leave for some reason. Not yet anyway.
"So, do you live around here?" I asked.
"No, I come from way up south. I moved here with my family. I have a big family; I'm the eldest of seven. Their Names aren't important. You just need to know that I live a fair distance away."
I have often wondered about the opposite sex. I mean I'm not homosexual or anything, I just haven't had much experience with girls. From what I can tell, they like guys that radiate confidence. I am not one of those guys. I like to stay in the shadows, not say much, and avoid talking in crowds. The conversations often overwhelm me. Too many people talking at once = big headache. I tend to think I have a niche for exiting these conversations, but it just ends up with people getting frustrated with my introverted, quite answers. I can't help that, I've never liked talking to a lot of people. I like simple, one on one conversation. But even then I have trouble most of the time. I have this mentality of not wanting to embarrass myself. I mean who doesn't? But I seem to take it to the extremes. If I think that the way the conversation is going is something I know nothing of, (which is a lot of things) or it does not interest me, i sort of freeze up. I also have this fear of explaining things. I sometimes, Ok, most of the times, cannot explain things. It sounds great in my head, and then I 'open my mouth and remove all doubt', so to speak, and then I become more secluded in my little hidey hole I call my brain.
"What about hobbies?"
I asked. I thought I might as well give her what she came for; company... maybe more. Wait. Hold it, hold everything. I haven't been in a relationship before. Was i really ready for this? This is all happening way too fast! I just want it to stop. Wait a minute, were just talking. Just talking. I'm overreacting. It's OK. It's fine.
"I enjoy reading. I have to look after my siblings, so I don't get much of it done, but I do enjoy it when I get to it." She added, with a look of contempt it seemed that she reserved for special occasions, afterward quickly hiding it and going slightly red.