A/N: My muse is still dead, but yay for crack anyway! Cuz, y'knowww, I kind of- only kind of- feel bad for not updating 'A Fairy Tail Ending'. Ehehe.

Jellal awakens to the sound of really, really big explosions. The first thought that comes to mind is:

'Oh my god I must be dreaming because I'm looking up and even though I'm supposed to be alone in my jail cell I can see boobs and a great pair of legs and wait, I'm not supposed to be thinking these kinds of things because I'm kind of a convicted killer known for being notoriously insane and I'm supposed to have an angsty, tortured soul.'

And ohhisfuckinggod he's seeing red. He blinks.

Typically, he thinks to himself as he struggles to sit up, albeit painfully, seeing red means that one is enraged and can't think clearly. He certainly fits the latter requirement- those are some really sexy legs, and hey, he's a guy- despite, yknow, being an insane killer jailed for life. The prison walls shake again with the sound of yet another explosion, but he's too… distracted at the moment to care.

His tired-yet-alert (but then again, what dude isn't awake for a hot babe?) eyes trails up those awesome legs, following the gorgeous line of this chick's hips (which is strangely coated with… metal?), and before he knows it, he's seeing red again.

Scarlet, to be exact. Strands of it.

His thoughts quickly stray from the path of 'heylook, sure I'm in prison for life, but there's this really hot girl here', to '.'

(Then again, he technically already is.)

Jellal stares dumbly as Erza stands over him, eyes half crazy with something that Jellal has permanently dubbed 'FairyTailitis' and another emotion that is wild, electric, and…

…really, really hot.

He's still gaping at her like a fish when she reaches a calloused (yet slender, very slender) out towards him, and smiles that little (sexy) grin of hers, and says, "Get up, we're busting out of here."

He stares at her. She stares back. (Then they have a staring contest for about ten seconds, but Erza blinks and Jellal can't suppress a victorious smirk; but then Erza glares at him and he shuts up before even opening his mouth, quickly brandishing a mental white flag.)

"What are you waiting for?" Erza harrumphs, probably irritated that their moment of reunion is so anticlimactic and that he hasn't already leaped up and gathered her in his arms and carried her away and kissed her senseless-

Jellal clears his dry throat. "I'm still chained."

She blinks. "Oh."

Erza severs his chains (it happens in one, terrifying swoop when she raises her sword over his head and for one split second, she has an absolutely evil, sadistic look in her eyes before swinging it down over him. If he weren't a grown man, he'd probably have wet his pants- as it was, he kindasorta squeals like a little girl. Erza tactfully lets it slide).

Jellal shakily stands up (it's hard because the building is shaking precariously, and he smells some things- wait, a lot of things- burning) and wrings his wrists, unable to look Erza straight in the eye. She's his child-freakin'-hood friend, and he still checked her out. He's doomed. He's so fucking doomed.

Jellal starts to feel weak in the knees. The sensation is not unlike that of what he would imagine a schoolgirl with a crush on the quarterback would feel like. He brushes aside this thought because the metaphor is scar(ily accurate)y.

Then reality strikes him- all the reasons she shouldn't be here, the dangers and consequences- and he opens his mouth to blurt, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?"

Or, at least he tries. It comes out sounding more like: "Baby, do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out."

Erza turns to him very, very slowly and eyes him cautiously. "Did you say something?" she enunciates. Very, very carefully.

Jellal coughs and turns away. "Erza, why the hell are you here? You know it's dangerous to go against the Council; you guys could become outcasts! A dark guild!"

She shrugs, letting that beautiful red hair of hers fly over her shoulder, strand by sexy strand, and smiles.

"We're all drunk stupid," she drawls simply, and walks out of his cell. Slo-mo.

He allows a few moments for that to sink in and follows her like a lost puppy, noticing for the first time that Erza is only teetering veerrryyyy slightly, and it's kind of cute.

As Jellal walks out, he is blindsided by that-pink-cannonball known as Natsu, and heaves, falling to the ground in a rather unmanly manner.

Shown up by a guy with pink hair in a display of manliness. This day cannot possibly get any better (or worse. It's hard to tell, since the said guy is also here to save him).

"JEELLLLAALLLL!" Natsu guffaws, accidentally lighting Jellal's pants on fire as he gets up, half-glaring-daggers, half-grinning-idiotically at the older-mage-slash-ex-enemy-or-is-it-ex-he-can't-really-tell-anymore. Those dirty pants are the only article of clothing Jellal is currently wearing; doing his best not to flush a damnable red (he has pride, damn it!), he turns away from Erza and…

…his pants fall off. Jellal takes a moment to squeal like a little girl, jump away from them, and watches them burn to ashes.

Eh. He never really liked the pair anyway.

As luck would have it (then again, it could be unlucky if he really thought about it), Erza wasn't paying attention to his naked buttocks; rather, she and Lucy had somehow found beer in the Council Building and were cheering, spilling beer over their skin and dancing rather provocatively.

"Jeez, those two suckers really can't take it!" Natsu cackles drunkenly twice, and then falls down in a dead faint next to Jellal, who carefully steps over the fire mage's body to get a better view of Erza- er, to better survey the situation.

There are dozens of Fairy Tail members hopping all over the fucking place, drinking from beer bottles and dancing and laughing and singing, even as the Council tower is burning to a crisp and tumbling under his feet, and even though the current status of their safety is extremely questionable, they're having fun being drunk stupid. And playing cards as yet another explosion shakes the building. What the hell.

He spots a tiny blue-haired midget of a girl whooping loudly as a tall, angsty-looking male with spiky, black hair gives her a piggy back ride, and briefly pities the man before spotting that the girl's cleavage is pressed up against the male's back. Evidently, the angsty-looking male is quite distracted, as he walks right into a wall.

Jellal awkwardly averts his gaze.

His timing is really something to be thanked, apparently- the moment he turns his attention back to two, certain busty mages, there is a sudden explosion of smoke billowing out towards him. Lucy coughs theatrically, and slumps over, unconscious and drooling on the damp pavement of the tower floors.

"Seduction armor," Erza purrs.

And Erza is in an apron.


The scarlet-haired woman turns to smile calmly at him, and makes a very, very… suggestive gesture. Jellal vaguely feels something dripping out from his nose but doesn't pay much attention to it; Erza is sauntering up to him, a coy, vixen smile gracing those lips and her face, is drawing near, so damn close-!

-her face slides right past his and onto his shoulder, where she passes out and starts drooling. It's kind of cute in an Erza-ish sort of way. Except, uh, he can't really pay attention to that because he has a naked apron girl sprawled out on his lap and she has a VERY mature figure that's pressed up right against him and he's not wearing pants, and oh, god someone HELP him-

Jellal faints.

The last thing he sees before his eyes close is a really impressive view of Erza's cleavage.

Jellal wakes up with a jolt. Pain laces his entire body; his muscles are screaming and his skin is covered in bruises. He's chained to the wall, as usual. He blearily surveys his surroundings- as usual, it's a damp, gross-smelling cell. He utters the smallest of sighs. One of the guards turns to give him a look, like 'oh-you-complete-and-utter-dick-what-are-you-sighing-about-you-don't-even-have-the-right-to-dream-about-hot-redheads-so-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-right-now' (the last part could have been his imagination, though).

Jellal sighs again. Damn. Should've known it was a dream-

-suddenly, a stupendous explosion wracks the entire body, shaking him to his core, and the guards run off screaming like sissies, and there's a loud BANG.

Jellal blinks as the door to his cell slams down onto the floor, inches away from squishing his foot (of which he is eternally grateful for, because yeah, being burns alive hurts, but nothing hurts like having your big toe squashed).

He looks up and does a double-take because what the hell is going on.

"Get up," Erza says, wearing nothing but an apron and scraps of lace that could barely pass as undergarments. "We're busting you out of here."

Outside of the cell, Nadaru turns to shoot Jellal a questioning glare when a moan is uttered from inside the room. "What the-?"

"Don't bother," his partner snorts. "He's sleeping."

Nadaru hisses venomously and turns back to his original position. "What the hell is he dreaming about?"

A shrug. "Who knows?"

Inside, Jellal shifts once, snorts, and utters in his sleep, "Panties."