title: wildly coherent in a watery deep
summary: Like she's nothing and the water is all.
author's note: title and summary come from the song "dory" by grizzly bear. one of my favorite songs. love iiiiit, live it. lawls. i needed to write an intense, crazy story so har we go. i'm grounded for next weekend. go me~ this is like the third time in my life i've ever been grounded. i like this story yay. the last paragraph is my hopeless romantic speaking. awwh.
His eyes that have faced the lost treasures of the world; they lose themselves to the light.
(the truth comes crushing down, it is painful and good and she sucks it up – taking in what she needs to know.)
"It's better this way," his smile doesn't reach his eyes.
(she has forgotten his happiness – it as come and gone. maybe it left back when the heavens closed their doors, but she has forgotten, and that is all she remembers.
(she sees black and blue eyelids – the makeup jade used to cover up her pretty skin. she didn't feel pretty – did she tori? did she, did she, did she -)
"Don't ask about her."
His voice is rough and gruff, his unshaven chin scratching her in all the right (wrong) places. It feels so fucking good (ow ow ow ow ow) and she can't get enough. (enough is enough – god save the empty.)
She has black and blue marks on her thighs, her butt, her pretty, flat stomach.
They never are as dark as Jade's makeup.
(more, more, more! tori screams.)
("i always knew you were nothing more than a whore," beck says, breath labored and oh -)
Ashes thrown in the sea. (beck, don't be so sad. your eyes are losing their luster.)
Oh, those harsh kisses placed on the back of her neck and then her collarbone. (yes -)
Her eyes roll back and he forgets the color of her eyes for a moment before they come back into view, warm and loving.
("i love you," he maybe says -)
Jade comes to collect Beck (slave), but Beck doesn't go. He stands still next to Tori, his fingers circling the spot in her neck where he can feel her heart beat.
(it beats for you, she thinks, i can't remember when it didn't beat for you.)
Jade cries. Tori has never seen such a beautiful sight.
The shower water beats down on her greasy hair. She must've done this a thousand and two times, she thinks. She has to just let the memories sink in.
"My name is Tori Vega," she mumbles into the ceramic tiles, "I am seventeen years old and my mother's name is Rebecca. My father's name is Rick. My sister's name is Trina Vega and she attends a college in Vermont. I have two dogs, an old Welsh Corgi named Sparky and a baby beagle named Toada. I like to swim and dance and sing. I don't know much about who I really am though."
She takes the shampoo and spreads it delicately across her palms, slowly puts it to her hair as if this were all new.
But to her, it is new. It is new and familiar and ceramic tiles really calm her down.
(his eyes – they haunt her dreams. they're so big and pretty but now they're so cold and she misses the warmth – the beautiful warmth that cradled her and kept her happy.)
Nowadays, it's a tough job to calm Tori down. Her breathing increases in a flash, her eyes wide and her heart pumping too fast for her breath to catch up.
If she went to a therapist or a doctor, they would call these panic attacks. They would tell her to breathe in instead of holding in all the air as if it would patch her up.
Instead of doing this however, Tori looks up the symptoms up on Google and has another panic attack when she figures out that these are in fact, panic attacks.
(her skin is made of goosebumps – her hair is so brittle and she can see every sin seeping out of her pores.)
(save me, she thinks.)
Her Prince Charming is weeping – an ocean falls from his eyes.
(she wants to be a fish, swimming through his sadness, living – breathing from his mistakes.)
Beck's lips touch her own. She feels like a flower that's been given rain for the first time.
"You are so beautiful," he whispers.
His eyes are warm – so warm and loving that her petals open in full blossom.
Her eyes are smiling.
Tori loves the ocean more than anything in the world.
(more than beck – more than her measly life – more than the sky's rumbling thunder -)
She wades in with all of her clothes on. Her denim shorts stick to her – they're tighter with water than they already were. Her white shirt shows off her bright blue bra.
She sinks under the calm waves, letting herself fall to the bottom. She lets her body release all it's tension – all it's pain and sin into this forgiving salt water sea.
(it has seen worse – worse than me.)
She smiles with her teeth bared, but if anyone else saw, she thinks she would just look like a sad, weak, little lion attempting to defend itself. Her immanent pain is more visible than her last threads of happiness.
She listens to Beatles music when she's in love.
When she's heartbroken, however, she doesn't know what to do. She's so empty. Words don't mean the same goddamn thing anymore.
When she's heartbroken, she listens to radio static.
It makes her cry; tears coursing down her cheeks at night into her pillow. She can barely breathe. It is the only thing that makes her feel safe: the varying dynamic of the sounds drowning the sound of her heart shattering in her ears, over and over.
"No one has ever called me beautiful, before you," she says into the sheets.
Her grin is infectious and he hasn't even seen it yet. His lips are tugged up to the sky, his teeth promising her a hundred and two beautiful pinky promises.
She doesn't think he will ever break any one of them.
She cannot hear. Everything that is flowing from his mouth is muddled. She can only hear the vibrations; see the turn of his mouth.
Her eyes are barely open, as if salt water is evading them – stinging them. There are fresh tears that take their place in her brown eyes. She cannot hear what he is saying.
That doesn't mean that she can't guess.
("i don't think i love you," beck says from a thousand and two miles away.)
Tori Vega got an A+ in Lip Reading.
(he is on land – safe and sound with his cruelty intact, but she is going down into the ocean – faster and faster as each sin tugs her to where she belongs.)
"I can't breathe," Tori gasps.
This is the first time Tori Vega has a panic attack.
"Uh, it's cool," he says. His voice is so soft and it makes her forget that she has just poured hot coffee all over his shirt.
She looks up, and sees his pretty eyes behind his shaggy bangs and his cute, easy-going smile.
She falls in love with him at in those thirty seconds, and if it wasn't for his mean girlfriend right behind him, she thinks she could easily say that he fell in love with her too. But of course, there was a mean girlfriend and Tori was awkwardly rubbing his chest even though she had realized that yes, it was a horrible idea to rub the coffee in. But it seemed as nothing seemed to be going the way she wanted to.
In those thirty seconds, when he was just so close and they were just thinking about one another, she could swear that everything would be right. Perfect. She never thought that he would have a girlfriend, or he would break her heart in tiny, tiny, little pieces.
In those thirty seconds, it was just them.
Tori thinks Beck falls out of love with her on a Thursday.
The day is cold and she's wearing his big sweater, the one that has a cigarette hole by her hand that she pushes her thumb through.
Everything's been going so well, but his eyes are so sad and unfamiliar. He's hiding something – the boy who told her he doesn't have any secrets, he is hiding something. (she knows what it is – she knows his secret – oh god, she knows.)
He puts his head in her lap, looking up at her with drooping eyes. He looks so tired.
"I love you," he says.
(she sees the way he looks to the sky – oh so sad and lonely and lost – tell me please what's wrong, she thinks - i know what it is - i know you're lying – tell me, tell me -)
She kisses her finger tips and uses them to brush his bangs.
He smiles, but his lips don't reach the sky.
(bubbles rise from the deep, dark blue bottom – catch them – come on, you can bring them up to the sky where the stars are -)
"But I like the ocean: deep and dark and cold."
(l-l-l-like your heart, somewhere i've never been. i don't think i ever will be – there.)
(you d-d-d-d-d-disappoint me! you never do anything right you filthy who-)
"Take a deep breath," she says.
(shut up and take it, the mean voice says, you're just stupid tori vega. no one – especially beck – loves you.)
She can't help but agree with the mean voice, nowadays.
("beck, please. rethink this.")
("i tried so hard for you, i really did - i really wanted to be good, beck. i promise i wanted to make it shine for you.")
("i'm sorry, but i can't be with you, tori. i – i'm not in love with you anymore.")
His fingers trace over her body.
Her body is shaking as she holds in her laughter.
He smiles into her belly button and whispers, "I will always love you."
When they find her, she's already gone.
Tori Vega loses herself in the waves.
This is when Beck Oliver loses his happiness. This is the real moment that Beck Oliver falls out of love with Tori Vega.
If only she knew.