An; Big thanks to MyLittleBird(me beta), Go Go Gadget Slash, Skylark Evanson, And Gotham's Siren without them this would be nothing
Oh and the words in the italics in between the paragraphs is Wally's Mom
How could things get worse? How could they really get, worse? He doesn't know how it was freaking possible.
How had this happen? He didn't even do anything. What did he do wrong?
But apparently he didn't know a lot of things. According to his dad he didn't. Sometimes, his father would ask him questions, and it amazed him how much he really didn't know the answer. And sometimes he questions himself.
Did he even do anything wrong at all?
He doesn't know what he's done wrong. He only knows what he's done right. But, he hasn't done anything right in years it seems. He's always doing or done something wrong, horribly wrong. And he can't seem to fix it.
God, what the hell's happening?
He doesn't know why he calls himself a hero. Sure he goes and saves the damsel in distress, stop crimes as they happen, and protect his city. But, he doesn't know what would have happened if he hadn't gotten his powers. Would he still want to be a hero? To try and protect everyone he can? Or would he even be one at all? Or why he does it in the first place.
Why doesn't anyone do something?
Was he strong? Did he know how to fight? Well, he is a hero. And heroes are supposed to be strong, and they fought back if someone was trying to kick their ass, right? So, why doesn't he fight back? Why doesn't he try to protect himself? He knows how to but, why won't he?
Why won't anyone do anything? How come I won't do anything? God, what was wrong with him?
What was wrong with him? There are a lot of things wrong with him. But, he wasn't perfect, wasn't normal. He was never normal it seemed. All of the things he did weren't normal. He ate more, he could break the sound barrier, does things in the blink of an eye, does everything he can to save people, but it just wasn't right. And he can't blame them for what they think of him.
And what did they think of him? Well, he doesn't really want to think about that…But surely knows well enough…
He doesn't know when things first started going straight for hell, but he could swear it all started happening before he even got his powers. Sure of it. But what was the reason for it? He was normal then, wasn't he? Did all this start with him?
But he knew that things weren't this bad. He knew his father didn't used to be like this. He knew his mother loved him before, right? They had been a family once. So, what the fuck happened? They were happy. Back then he felt happy, he felt safe, secure, he felt loved.
But now he didn't feel anything. He can't remember any feeling except pain. It's always there, so how could he forget? But he knows it's better to feel pain than nothing at all.
He knew it was sick for him to like it. He knew he was a masochist, but just knowing that he felt something besides fake, he felt alive. And damn it all if that wasn't one of many other things wrong with him. But it was so much better than the apathy, that even if he tried to run he wouldn't want to at this point. But at the same time he wants to run away, to be free. To know what it's like to feel happy. He knows it wouldn't make anything better except knowing that what he's escaped, he'll breakdown and everything will hit him, and the realization of it will kill him. But he knows leaving wouldn't make anything better. But it's worth a shot, right?
But he's sick and tired of waiting for someone to come bursting through the door to save him. If a hero was supposed to come to his rescue he would've already been saved. But it's too late for someone to come sweeping in and make everything better, too late to even try to dig him out from six feet under. He didn't need a hero. He can't even save himself.
But why was the world so cold in the first place? I mean, someone needs to wake up and smell the fucking roses, if the world was so perfect why would we even need heroes in the first place? Every day someone dies. Gets shot, raped, abused, tortured, murdered and the list goes on, and who saves them? No body. Fucking no one because there's nothing anyone would do about it. They can't save everyone, so why try to pretend the world is so perfect?
He misses being able to call a place home. Home was safe, home was happiness, was love. He can't even walk into his house anymore and call it home. And what was home without the people you love? Nothing, it was nothing. He was living with complete strangers, just broken and fractured pieces of what they used to be. Even if he was alone it never felt the way it used to be. That house was just a house to him.
Nothing makes sense. He can tell the difference between him and his reflection, but can they?
There's no use in trying to hide anymore. He's so sick and tired of waiting, breathing, watching, wanting. All he wants to do now is make sure he never comes back. So why doesn't he just leave already? There's no point in staying, nothing's going to change. So why does he even hope anymore? Why does he have hope?
Why is there such a thing as fairytales? All those are is heartache for children when they find out that there is no such thing as a 'happy ending'. No fairy godmothers, no frog that gets turned into a prince, no princess getting saved by a shining knight in amour. Have they actually seen Disney movies? Look what happened to Simba in Lion King, his father was murdered and the uncle blamed it on him. Bambi's mother was shot. Dumbo's mother was locked up for trying to help him and never saw him again. Ariel's mother was crushed by a ship. Cinderella's parents died and she got stuck with a messed up bitch of a step mom. But, what would have happened if she had no fairy godmother? What if Peter Pan didn't have faith, trust, or pixie dust?
There is no such thing as magic. If it was real kids wouldn't need to dream for better days. Kids wouldn't need to make the same wish over and over. They wouldn't need to rely on shooting stars or airplanes. All of them have faith in magic, when it's done nothing for them. But, they still believe. He stopped believing so long ago.
None of them understand what it's like being around them. It's sorta like having a family but not. And now it's even harder, everything seems forced like a routine with them. It's almost like there's times when it's like they're just teammates to each other. He remembers it wasn't even a month ago that they were all laughing and smiling at each other.
But things haven't been the same between him and Robin since Roy practically left them to fend for themselves. He knew then that both he and Robin had lost their trust in Roy, lost their faith in people. So now they knew not to trust someone so easily, or they'll just end up leaving them again. He hasn't even talked to Roy since he had assigned that mission to them. He stopped trying to convince Roy to join them, to come back to them. But all he cared about was convincing the League wrong, he didn't see that we were begging on our hands and knees for our big bother to come back.
It's not that they're any different, but they are. All of them seem to be changing and it's not fair.
What was he scared of? He didn't seem to be afraid of him.
He was scared, terrified. He knew things were changing. He couldn't tell what was, but just that something was wrong. He knew Daddy wasn't the same, it was right there in front of his face, yet couldn't find it. He didn't want to accept the fact that things were changing. He's good at reading people, and noticing things. I only wish he wouldn't be so good at noticing this…
He was afraid of the dark. He was afraid of anything that was faster than him, stronger than him, and is scared that things will go too far, because he can't escape it now. No matter how much he would've tried, he knew it wouldn't work. No matter how much he would kick and scream he knew no one would be there in time to do anything about it.
But he does know a lot of things also. He knows why fairytales don't exist. He knows happy endings don't always happen. He knows why only he himself doesn't believe in magic, but they don't. He knows he used to have a family.
He knows he wasn't good enough for them. He could tell that all of them were either annoyed with him or just didn't want to deal with him. They all wanted him to be better, to be something he's not. They want him to pretend that he's the happiest kid there is. They want him to go as fast as he possibly can to save someone, they want him to be stronger, smarter, and not screw everything up. But, he's pretending enough as it is. Everything's so black and white all he can see is gray.
He's falling apart.
He could ask why all of this happened. He could ask why shit happens for a reason. He could ask why fairy tales, wishes, happy endings, and magic were make wasn't real. He could ask his mother if she truly loved him. He could ask his dad so much, but just fucking why?
He could ask, but he...Maybe he didn't want them answered.