Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.
The Philosopher's Stone
* Once upon a time there was a boy. He had a scar on his face. For obvious reasons, we'll call him Scarboy.
* Scarboy was an orphan. His parents were killed by a Very Bad Man, so bad that only capital letters can express the depths of his badness! We'll call him Evil Bastard. Also for obvious reasons.
* Evil Bastard died when he killed Scarboy's parents.
* Evil Bastard wasn't very happy about this.
* You'd think him being dead would have prevented him being not very happy about this, but you'd be wrong. We'll tell you why later.
* Scarboy had to live with his Aunt, who vaguely resembled a giraffe, his uncle, who vaguely resembled an oversized pudding, and his cousin, who also vaguely resembled an oversized pudding. We'll call them Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two.
* Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two didn't like Scarboy very much. Possibly because he was the most normal one among them, which was ironic because he had a weird-shaped scar and was... Well, we'll go into that later. It's just ironic.
* One day, on Scarboy's birthday, a funny thing happened. He began getting letters.
* These letters were very strange.
* And by strange, I mean odd.
* They came through the chimney.
* So, yes, they were strangely odd.
* Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two were a little scared of the letters, who, by this time, seemed to have a chimney fetish.
* They all left, Scarboy included, and thought the letters wouldn't follow them.
* But they were wrong!
* They went to a creepy, isolated house which none of them liked very much. The Puddings liked them even less, seeing as they couldn't get any pudding there.
* While they were in this house, a man came and knocked on the door.
* Unfortunately, he accidentally made it fall off its hinges. Scarboy's family didn't like him.
* But it was okay, because he put it right back again.
* Scarboy's family still didn't like him.
* Let's call him Giant Hairy Man, or GHM for short.
* GHM was giant. And hairy. And a man. He had been so nice as to bring Scarboy some cake. (Even though he did accidentally sit on it)
* Pudding Two ate Scarboy's cake. GHM wasn't very happy about this and decided to use his magical umbrella to give Pudding Two a pig's tail.
* Really, Pudding Two and his parents should have been glad. Now Pudding Two's outside represented his inside!
* Strangely, Pudding Two's parents weren't happy about it. But GHM was giving them mean looks so they decided not to say anything.
* GHM, having now broken down the door, having given Scarboy's cousin a tail and scared Pudding One and Giraffe, decided it was the perfect opportunity to ask Scarboy if he wanted to come away with them to a magical school of magic where you learnt how to give people pig's tails.
* Scarboy looked at GHM. He was still giant and hairy. What went through Scarboy's mund was something like this: Let me think...A Giant Hairy Man has just broken down the door, given my cousin a tail and asked me if I would like to come with him to a magical castle to learn magic.
* Of course, he did the logical thing and signed up right away.
* GHM took Scarboy to a train station where he had to walk through a wall to go to the school train. Scarboy quite happily did.
* Performing this experiment in similar situations today would be somewhat amusing, although it may leave parents wondering why their small, bespectacled and probably nerdy son now walks into walls on a regular basis.
* On the train Scarboy met two people.
* One of them had red hair and freckles. We shall call him Frecklemonster.
* The other had brown hair and was smart. We shall call her Smartypants.
* Frecklemonster and Smartypants sat with Scarboy on the way to school.
* Where they would learn how to give people tails.
* When they got there, a hat made them go into one of four groups.
* Yes. A hat. Because hats can totally do that.
* They all went to the house which we shall call the Lions. The Lions were supposed to be brave, and were therefore stupid. The other houses were the Snakes, the Hawks and the Badgers. The Snakes were up-themselves, but got to look down on everybody else because of it. The Hawks were supposed to be smart, and therefore were bullied into doing everyone else's homework. The Badgers were stupid as the Lions, only they didn't get anything in return. They were just stupid.
* A bit unfair, if you think about it. But they were stupid, so they never did.
* Smartypants had cheated this system because she was in Lion but still smart. She probably thought she was particularly clever for doing this, but it made the whole school hate her, so it wasn't really that smart.
* Hm, maybe she was dumb after all...
* Before beginning their school year a man with a very long white beard spoke to them all. We shall call him Sweet-tooth, because he liked sweets.
* Which is why he had a long beard. To hide his sweets in.
* But, in hindsight, it would have been better to have a black beard. Candy stains wouldn't show up as much.
* Scarboy and Frecklemonster weren't friends with Smartypants at first. Then a giant monster attacked her, probably hoping to gain a few extra IQ points by eating her. Scarboy defeated him by sticking his wand (they all had wands, by this time) up his nose. Not the most conventional way of defeating a monster, but there you go.
* After seeing Scarboy stick a wooden stick up a monster's nose, Frecklemonster and Smartypants decided that they'd all be friends. Scarboy was too busy trying to get his wand out of a giant nostril at that time, but later on he decided to be friends as well.
* They all went and saw GHM. Frecklemonster and Smartypants decided that they liked him too. Even if he was giant and hairy.
* And had a dog who drooled on you.
* After almost a year of getting into as much trouble as they possibly could in as short a time as possible, they went to find the Philosopher's Stone.
* The Philosopher's Stone was a rock which made you live forever.
* Evil Bastard wanted the rock.
* Yes, we thought he was dead. To Scarboy's dismay, we were wrong.
* Evil Bastard wanted the rock so he could live forever, ruling the world, and perfecting his evil laugh, which was number one on his to-do list, but had kept neglecting to do it.
* Being killed tends to put a stop to checking off you to-do list.
* Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants worked together to defeat Evil Bastard and stopping him from getting the rock by using their combined powers of scars, freckles, and pants. (Smart came into it somewhere, too)
* They also now all knew how to give people pig's tails.
* Scarboy fainted while they were doing this because he couldn't take the pressure.
* When Scarboy came to, he and Sweet-tooth had the following conversation.
Scarface: ...waking up What...Where am I? Hey, there's a huge pile of sweets at the end of my bed! Cooll!
Sweet-tooth: Entering the room Hello, Scarboy, I just wanted to congratulate you on...(sees sweets) MINE! Mmmmm...(chompchompchomp) sweets. So very...
Scarboy: Sweet? (does a double take) Wait! They're mine!
Sweet-tooth: Not any more. (chompchompchomp) By the way, I decided to destroy the rock you and your friends almost died trying to get.
Scarboy: WHAT! You come in here, eat all my candy (candy is now is Sweet-tooth's stomach) and tell me you DESTROYED MY AWESOME ROCK WHICH I FOUGHT SO HARD TO WIN!
Sweet-tooth: ...I think I accidentally ate the tray too.
Scarboy: (Hides under pillow and refuses to ever talk to Sweet-tooth until next year)
* Scarboy goes back home to Pudding One, Giraffe and Pudding Two, who are all miserable to see him.
* Pudding Two doesn't have a pig tail any more.