Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters or locations.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
* Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, for the last round of the magical battle between our two greatest competitors.
* In the blue corner, we have Scarboy, with the funny-looking scar, nerdy glasses and overall air of the-world-hates-me.
Scarboy: The world does hate me. Seriously, everything which isn't killing me is too scared of the things trying to kill me that they just let them try to kill me without even trying to stop them. Because it's not like I'm only seventeen and might have a bit of trouble fending off a bazillion super-wizards, one of which is pretty much a demi god at this point. Yes, just abandon me, like everyone else-
* And in the blue corner, we have our other competitor-
Scarboy: WASN'T DONE RANTING. First of all, orphaned at infanthood. Then, raised in what I think we can all call the worlds s***est family. Then thrown into the wizarding world -okay, I'll admit, a cool moment. Give it a few more years and several attempts have been made on my life and nobody can decide whether they should be my fanboys and fangirls or shun me like the nonbeliever. THE WORLD DESPISES ME WITH ALL ITS MIGHT!
* As I was saying, in the other corner we have Evil Bastard.
Evil Bastard: I want to kill you all. And then make you my slaves. No, that wasn't in the wrong order. I'm going to kill you, make you my slaves by raising you from the dead, completely humiliate you until I get bored and then kill you again. Quite possibly with a magical bazooka. And I'm starting with Sweet Tooth.
Sweet Tooth: Yay, a cameo! (returns to being dead)
* The stakes are as follows: Evil Bastard pretty much rules the magical world, which is approximately eight hundred years behind the rest of it in the way that it still doesn't extend beyond Europe (now I know why that Hogwarts letter didn't come when I was younger –the owl couldn't stand the Aussie heat!). Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants are skulking about random forests trying to destroy the bits of Evil Bastard's soul that are lurking around places.
* Because Evil Bastard likes to put the most intimate parts of himself into all sorts of random places. Necklaces. Cups. Even a snake!
* Nobody is quite sure how Evil Bastard inserted such an intimate part of himself into inanimate objects, neither does anyone want to. It would possibly give you nightmares.
Evil Bastard: Yeah... I had issues that year... Decade... Lifetime. Well, you know what? **** you, I control the world, that's what! I can stick bits of myself anywhere!
* So Frecklemonster and Smartypants have to leave their families as well as friends behind (Scarboy doesn't count -none of his can decide whether they like him or not). This is especially heart-rending for Smartypants, who wipes her parents memories -leaving some potentially awkward situations with the family friends who presumably would ask about the daughter.
Anonymous Smartypants Family Friend: Hey, how are you guys? How's Smartypants?
* The first bit of Evil Bastard's soul is a necklace.
* Who bets he was feeling a little metro that year?
* The locket makes Frecklemonster feel metro as well. This makes him uncertain about his sexuality and therefore grumpy, so he leaves the other two to rediscover himself.
* A random forest animal leads Scarboy to a sword which can destroy Evil Bastard's most intimate parts. Because that's what you do when you see shiny forest animals. You stalk them and hope for magic. If they don't give you magic, you eat them. Win-win situation!
* Scarboy is almost killed by the necklace, which somehow manages to nearly drown him (that's what necklaces can do. You are warned) when he is saved. Frecklemonster, after going into numerous gay bars and nightclubs, has rediscovered his heterosexuality in time to watch... A magic-induced hallucination of naked Scarboy and Smartypants make out... Great timing. But he saves the day by saying,
Frecklemonster: Smartypants loves me, she wouldn't do that! I know because she shouts at me to show her love!
* They follow a strange symbol to the Weird Guy In The House, who promptly betrays them after helping them.
Scarboy: Can't trust anyone, the world hates me. Can't trust anyone the world hates me. Can't trust anyone, the world hates me.
* Evil Bastard is actually looking for a big super-magic wand. Because it's not like he's already enough of a magical ninja already.
* Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants try to rescue a few friends who have been captured by Evil Bastard's Minions and end up failing. Dramatically. As in, they get captured. But Scarboy calls on his friendly House Elf to get them out, managing to nick a cup with Evil Bastard's most intimate parts.
Scarboy: Gee, thanks House Elf!
House Elf: At least… I had… A cameo… (dies)
Scarboy:... House Elf?
* They find out that the last most intimate part of Evil Bastard, excepting the snake and the man himself, is in the magic school. So they manage to sneak in and destroy them all in a huge magical fire explosion thing.
* It's epic.
* Evil Bastard attacks the school. Fortunately, at this time, everyone decided to be on Scarboy's side. There is a huge battle.
* Also epic.
* Several people die. Wolfman and his wife, Little Miss Discontent-With-Her-Own-Appearance-And-Consequently-Makes-Hair-Dye-Manufacturers-Very-Rich, one of Frecklemonster's many siblings (the fact that there are many others doesn't seem to console anybody) and the teacher nobody liked but should have because he was awesome. He also sent the sparkly animal in the forest.
* So what does Scarboy decide to do? He decides to go hand himself over. Or kill Evil Bastard. One or the other.
* Evil Bastard sort-of kills him, sending Scarboy into a hippy-like trance in which he has a chat with Sweet Tooth before remembering that he kind of has a world to save and goes back.
Evil Bastard: HA! Finally, he's dead and I can rule the world!
Scarboy: Trolling you. (kills Evil Bastard)
19 years later...
* Scarboy got hitched with Frecklemonster's sister and have a couple of kids running around.
* Frecklemonster and Smartypants also get hitched and squeeze out a couple of rugrats.
* They send them all to the same school they went to. Because it turned out great for them the first time around. You know, the multiple attempts on their lives, the whole world-hating-you thing...
* So Frecklemonster became Smartypants' full-time bitch, Scarboy had no more attempts on his life and people treated them all like normal people. No Evil Bastards, aside from the normal ones, had troubled them for the last 19 years.
* All was well.
Hi, guys. We've finally come to the end of this Great Explanations. I hope you've all enjoyed them. Keep an eye on my profile page because I'll bring out another 'Great Explanations' every now and then. In fact, keep an eye on my homepage: I'll post on there about the many books I keep trying to get published and tell you if I manage to get an agent. Not only that, but you can follow me on Twitter by searching for AngelaDonlan, where I post up everything I do writing-related as well as some very helpful life lessons and even updates on my acting career. Yes, I'm calling it that. I'm an optimist, alright!
Thanks for reading and reviewing. They always help instruct and encourage (slowly. Like, snails are Ferraris compared to my writing career slow) emerging writers.
Peace and love to all of you,