I Want Him Back

He travelled through the streets of Los Angeles oblivious to the vibrant city just outside his window. The inside of the black Mercedes became the quitest, lonelist place on earth and David was at its centre. Nate sat in the driving seat trying to make conversation with his younger brother, trying to break the silence and get him to speak, to say something, anything.

"Do you want me to take you anywhere?" He paused. "Do you need anything?"

The questions were ignored. It's not that David didn't want to answer Nate's questions he couldn't. He couldn't say anything. Everything seemed so trivial now, he couldn't answer mundane questions ten minutes after seeing Keith lying in the morgue he didn't know how to do it. He'd learned how to talk and stand up straight and act normal after seeing a dead body, it hadn't come naturally or easily but he'd learned with a little help from his father, this was his career after all. But not Keith, Keith wasn't his job Keith was his lover, his life, he couldn't talk and eat like he'd seen some stranger lying there. It couldn't be normal, not when he had so many emotions building inside himself. It was taking all his willpower to stop from smashing the car window he couldn't answer questions aswell, however mundane.

The car drove slowly around the side of the house coming to a stop outside the kitchen. Ruth and Claire were standing in the doorway waiting to greet David and Nate back home. David unfastened his seatbelt exited the car and began to walk up the few steps to the kitchen. Ruth's mouth opened slightly then closed she didn't know what to say, her grieving son was walking towards her and she couldn't tell him everything would be alright it was a cliche and a lie and that wouldn't help him.

Ruth was always better with the physical side of life. If David were eight again and had fallen from his bike, she could get the first aid box and stick a bandaid on his knee. She wasn't so good with the emotional side, she sometimes bottled up her emotions and she knew David was much worse. She knew all David wanted was Keith back and that's the one thing she couldn't give him.

She watched David pass her and walk into the kitchen, he walked over to the L-shape of the cupboards where Nate had told him Keith had been shot, he rested his stomach in the 90 degree corner, his hands flat on the cold work surface. Ruth, Claire and Nate slowly came in from outside and silently watched him, the back of his creased white shirt was the only thing to greet them. Nate was the first to break the silence.


There was no response. Nate whispered to Claire and Ruth.

"I think we should leave him for awhile."

Ruth tried not to raise her voice "I'm not leaving him like this."

Davids back was gently shaking. Ruth walked over, she thought her son might be crying and under the circumstances it was likely but she wasn't sure. Ruth honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd seen David cry. Claire and Nate she could give you the time and date, but not David. Even at Nathanials funeral her son was the strong one, he never shed a tear. She knew he wasn't heartless, that he loved his father but being strong for everyone else was his way of coping, of getting through that day.

She put a gentle hand on his shoulder and in a soft motherly voice said his name


He turned and wrapped his arms around her back and held on for dear life. A couple of stray sobs left his chest before he took a huge intake of breath and let out a heartbreaking cry

"You'll be okay, David". His mother told him gently while she cried along. She realised that it wasn't a cliche or a lie it was a prayer. Nate watched from the other side of the kitchen. He hated the feeling of helplessness. His little brother was in 30 different kinds of pain and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. He put his arm around Claires shoulder as much for his own comfort as for hers. David suddenly collapsed to the floor, taking his mother with him. She didn't let go, she'd known that feeling of hitting realisation of finally accepting the news, the truth, it hurt, but she'd had Nate to catch her so she was going to do the same for David.

Ruth held David in her arms while he cried she thought Davids loss was crueler. At least with Nathanial she'd had 30 years of marriage and three wonderful children. Ruth had always truely loved Nathanial dispite the affair all David had was one and a half years of memories and a condo in West Hollywood. 'It's not much', she thought to herself. David had started to quieten down, thanks in some part to the gentle rocking back and forth of his mother.

"I want him back."

Ruth looked at Nate and Claire who were still standing in the kitchen both there eyes had glazed over when David spoke his first words

"I want him back."