Anime: Axis Powers Hetalia
Warnings: Language and suggestive themes.
Disclaimer: Me no own the hetalia of the axis of the powers or Craigslist.
Notes: Prussia's Craigslist Ad.
Awesome roomie seeking potential roomie with four walls and a roof! And some central heating would be nice! (but not required!)
Date: 20**-09-22, 10:43PM CET
Afternoon, potential roomie! Or good morning, evening, or whatever fucking time zone you're living in, doesn't goddamn matter to me, I'll kayak across the pacific ocean if that means I'll have a place to stay! That's right, I've been kicked out of my place. I used to live with my brother but now that he has a gay Italian boyfriend I am apparently chop liver, so he kicked me out claiming his reasons were "reasonable" and that I was "unsuitable as a living partner". Can you believe that guy? Those Germans, I'm telling ya!
Anyways, I'm sure you're DYING to hear about what makes me such a suitable living partner. Well here goes! I'm a something-year old Prussian who graduated from Southern—WOAH! Hold the fucking phone! Did he just say Prussian? You bet your shiny ass I did! That's right, I'm Prussian, the only one left alive to be exact! How badass would it be to tell your friends that you have a mothafuckin' Prussian as a roommate? Let me tell you—VERY badass! You could even charge your friends $5 for a picture with me! I'm that rare!
Other than the awesome fact of being Prussian, I make pretty good income. A five-figure income to be exact. Holy crap! Did he just say five-figure? You bet you're non-Prussian shiny ass I did! That means my salary can range from $10,000-99,999! Holy moly! The possibilities! This man will be able to pay his rent without a doubt!
I'm not going to go on and on about my personality using vague characteristics like "nice" or "clean", because I don't need all that shit. Unlike many, I can describe myself in one word: FUCKING AWESOME. Well, two words, but you get the picture. Not enough for ya? Need some examples to convince your skeptical ass? Well, I got a boatload of examples for ya. I know how to cook. Like Italian? Christ, I can cook Italian till your stomach explodes. Living with my brother's Italian boyfriend forced me to cook Italian for dinner to suit HIS tastes. Hate Italian? FABULOUS, I'll never touch an Italian ingredient again as long as I may live. Gay and you're fretting if I'll have a problem with it? Don't fret! Even though my brother's boyfriend has traumatized me the core, I will but the past behind and welcome your homosexuality with sparkling rainbows and unicorns. As long as your porker stays at least a five-foot radius away from mine, we're all good. But wait, there's more! I am bilingual, bitches! English and German, fluent in both! You're landlord German? Wanna tell him to go fuck himself but don't wanna type Google fucking translate on your web browser? Do not lift your precious little finger, I have got you! Or maybe not, because that's you're fucking landlord! And you'd get us BOTH kicked out! So instead of telling you the translation, I'd lecture you on resilience and integrity and how you must retain those qualities to be successful and sane and all that crapola. So in the end, you come out as a better person! My God, this guy is the incarnation of Jesus!
Other things you might worry about: how much room is my handsome ass gonna take up? Answer: as much room as a fucking cockroach can take up! I am VERY adaptable and require VERY little space. long as I'm not in the gutter, I'm happy!
One more thing you might worry about: my excessive cursing. I apologize, but living with your gay brother's even gayer Italian boyfriend and hearing them fuck without them even trying to be quiet from the room over makes you retain some cursing and urge you to curse more often. But if you've got a problem with cursing and shit, I'll turn into Mother fucking Teresa and never utter a goddamn sin again. Unless you're one of those "well if it's in the goddamn bible" kind of people, then I'll curse like a sailor according to the bible.
So, shit! Reply to this ad if you could handle all this awesome! The requirements are that you are NOT living in a box, under the bridge, or any other public land in which you do NOT have four walls and a roof above your head. Whether you're in China, Mexico, Soviet fucking Union, I really don't care at this point! My brother already has my shit packed and ready to go! What a kind bruderlein! Did I mention I'm an ace at sarcasm? Mein Gott, his awesomeness never stops!
cats are OK – Did I mention I once owned a white Siberian tiger?
dogs are OK – I worked in a schutzhund training facility with my brother before he met his boyfriend, so if you want your dog to be terminator on four legs, I can do that.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
[[Inspired to do this after reading a "Best Of" craigslist ad. Those are firetrucking hilarious.]]