A/N: If you've ever wondered how the Marauders reacted to James getting the Head Boy badge (I'd be shocked too), you're reading the right thing. Look out for the end where I get tired of coming up with substitutes for 'said' and you get tired of reading them. I suppose who said what is up to your imagination. Enjoy =)
Disclaimer: The Marauders don't belong to me, unfortunately.
"I'm Head Boy," James announces as he puts his letter down and picks the small badge up out of the envelope. His expression is one of mixed horror and surprise.
Sirius snorts. "Yeah and I actually dated that Slytherin bird with the three chins. Bloody rumours..."
"No really. I'm Head Boy. Look," James holds up the shiny badge as proof. His friends, all in his room to open their Hogwarts letters as they do every year, mirror his shocked expression. Sirius stares. Remus stares. Peter stares. And then they all laugh. James frowns at his mates. "Real supportive guys, thanks terribly. Gits," he mutters.
"Well you gotta admit, Prongs, it's a bit... er... unexpected," Remus provides.
"Unexpected? No. It's inconceivable! Bloody hell!" Sirius moans, glaring at the badge. "Put it away! I can't look at it anymore!" he wails dramatically, falling back onto James' bed. "Our reputation- tarnished! Dead! Buried! Crucified!" James rolls his eyes, shoving the offending badge back into the envelope and tossing it on his desk.
"How? WHY?" James groans, as he falls into a chair and drops his head on the desk in a very dramatic fashion, interrupting Sirius' tirade. "I'm not Head Boy material! I can't enforce the rules I've been breaking for years! I'm James Potter, rule breaker extraordinaire, Hogwarts' resident trouble maker and detention regular. Not Head Boy!" The other three Marauders exchange looks, the ghost of their infamous smirks playing at their lips. James doesn't notice.
"Maybe he was drunk," Peter suggests very seriously.
"Maybe he fell and hit his head," Remus offers.
Sirius sits up, interested. "Maybe he was possessed by jinns," he says mysteriously, wiggling his eyebrows.
Remus nods. "Maybe he is a jinn."
"What's a jinn?" Peter asks. No one answers him.
"Maybe he was answering the calls of his inner eye," Sirius suggests.
"And his inner eye was broken," Remus adds.
"Maybe he ate some of that chocolate cake Madame Puddifoot leaves out in her shop, it's disgusting," Peter offers.
Sirius raises his eyebrows. "What the bloody hell were you doing at Madame Puddifoot's?"
"Maybe the clerk at Madame Puddifoot's magically forced him to make you Head Boy. Everyone knows she fancies you," Remus says.
"That's disgusting," James mumbles, head still on his desk. "Besides, if she liked me, she wouldn't have done this to me. Bloody prig."
"I think his summer was so terribly boring without our incredible pranks to bring some light into his sad, miserable life, that he just sat there and reminisced, and out of love and nostalgia, he decided to make you Head Boy," Sirius claims.
"Maybe Sir Nick possessed him. He's got a soft spot for you," Remus says.
"Maybe he found out about that time last year when you tutored a first year in transfig for weeks," Peter provides.
"NO! How? That was top secret! My reputation-"
"- Has already just been permanently destroyed, no point crying about it now," interrupts Remus.
"Maybe he thinks this will tame you, you beast," Sirius says with a smirk.
Remus laughs. "Kinky."
"Yeah, that's what I was alluding to..."
"Sorry, Prongs," Sirius grins, not sounding sorry at all.
"Maybe he just wants you and Padfoot to have your own private room, for mine and Wormtail's sake."
"Moony, you prick. That's disgusting."
"Maybe Dumbledore's an alien!" Peter exclaims, looking very pleased with himself.
"What's that got to do with anything?" James asks, turning to the shortest of his friends.
"Maybe you're an alien too, and the leader of your home planet threatened to take over Earth if Dumbledore didn't give you the position," Peter explains.
"Would that mean he's like- a prince? Or king? James Potter, king of the aliens!" Sirius exclaims, throwing his arm up.
"I think I would know if I was an alien."
Sirius thinks about it for a minute, before his face lights up again. "Well maybe you've been sent down to live as a human so they can learn more about our race. I bet you have a chip in your brain and maybe built in cameras in your eyes and everything!"
"Do I look like an alien?"
"It's all part of the plan!"
"But what the hell does being Head Boy have to do with that?" James questions, annoyed. His friends have no answer, and they're left silent and contemplative.
"Maybe that veela cousin of yours seduced him into it," Remus suggests.
James's eyes widen in horror. "Why do you insist on ruining my view of my whole family?"
"That's outrageous Moony. Veela or not, that girl couldn't do anything provocative if her life depended on it," Sirius dismisses.
"Besides, isn't Dumbledore like, seven thousand and something years old? I read it in the Prophet," adds Peter.
"Seven thousand? That's a little harsh," Sirius mutters.
"I didn't know you could read," James adds.
"Maybe old age is finally getting to him," Remus says wisely. "Good sense starts to disappear with age, you know."
"So by the time we're seven thousand like Dumbledore, what's Sirius going to be like? He already acts five. He'll probably act about negative seven thousand and five," says James. Sirius snorts in offense.
"Does that mean seven thousand and five years ago? Wasn't that the age of the zombies?" Peter asks.
"You know those things that were wrapped in toilet paper? I think it was the Ancient Greeks…"
"You mean mummies? That was the Egyptians, Pete," Remus sighs.
"Can we get back to the task at hand, please?" Sirius asks.
"Oh right. Maybe Dumbledore is a zombie!" Peter says. "It makes sense, he is seven thousand years old."
"Or maybe he's a mummy," Sirius adds.
"Aren't those muggle myths? Mummies and zombies don't even exist. Dumbledore is a wizard. And both of them are supposed to be dead, right?"
Peter gasps in realization. "Maybe Dumbledore's come back from the dead and forgotten that you'd be a rubbish Head Boy!"
"You guys aren't helping!" James huffs in irritation.
"Okay wait," Sirius says, eyebrows knitted together in concentration. "How exactly would Dumbledore coming back from the dead cause this? Why would Dumbledore be coming back from the dead anyways?"
"Probably a zombie or something killed him on one of his top secret Dumbledore missions, but obviously Dumbledore is a zombie wizard and could come back," Peter informs knowledgeably.
Remus raises his eyebrows. "And that relates to James being Head Boy because?"
"Maybe the head selection meeting was right after and he was shaken up, and suggested James, and as headmaster, no one dared question his authority."
"Sirius, you're an idiot," James says.
"Well at least I'm not Head Boy!"
"It's actually considered a good thing, you know. Those poor blokes who worked their arses off trying to get the badge are probably in depression." Remus interrupts.
"Good job Prongs. You're the reason half they guys in our year are contemplating suicide. I'll bet poor Amos Diggory tried drowning himself in dish water or something. I bet they'll all resort to kleptomania, in futile attempts to fill the void that the Head badge should have filled. Are you proud of yourself?" Sirius mock scolds.
"Well when you put it that way…" James's eyes light up. Remus rolls his eyes. "Lily went out with Diggory last year didn't she? Ha! And I got Head Boy over him!"
"Wait a minute, Prongs. Speaking of Evans- I bet she's Head Girl! I mean, who else?" Sirius grins.
"Maybe Dumbledore's in love with Lily too!" Peter chimes in. The other three boys stare at him with varying levels of disgust on their faces.
"You, Wormtail, need St. Mungo's," James tells him, his voice hoarse and his eye fighting a twitch.
"The more logical explanation is that Dumbledore knows James is pathetically obsessed with Lily, and he, like everyone else besides James and Lily, know she is just as pathetically obsessed, and is hoping working together will make them see sense, therefore, preserving the little remaining sanity and hearing of the other students and staff members, which have both been so tragically lost over the past six years as a result of their constant, incredibly annoying, usually pointless fights," Sirius explains with a roll of his eyes, but the exasperated affect is thrown off by the deep breath he has to take after he's finished his speech. Everyone stares at him, once again silent.
"Maybe he thinks it'll be funny to see them work together," Remus says after a while.
"Maybe he's still holding a grudge against Evans for that time in second year when she spilled hot chocolate all over those purple dress robes he was so excited about," Sirius suggests.
"Maybe he's been threatened by Russian Mafia men. Your dad has connections with them, doesn't he James?" Peter asks.
"No my dad does not have connections with the Russian Mafia," James sighs tiredly.
"What about Wizard Mafia?"
"There's no such thing as Wizard Mafia."
"How do you know?"
"All in favour of ignoring Wormtail say I. I!"
"Come on! That's not fair! I have some good reasons. Like what if he's secretly James's godfather, and this is his way of making sure James has a successful N.E.W.T year?"
"Maybe James's actual godfather bribed him," Sirius suggests.
"Maybe James's godfather is working on the creation of the Wizard Mafia and this is a subtle but essential part of his genius plot."
"There you go, ruining my family and loved ones in my eyes again. Much thanks, Moony."
"Maybe your dad is trying to create the Wizard Ma-"
"Drop it Sirius."
"Right. Maybe he saw you turn Amos Diggory into a cow and decided someone of that skill would make a good Head."
"That would get him expelled, not rewarded."
"You consider this a reward?"
"I don't think Dumbledore would waste the position just to punish James," Remus rationalizes.
"But you think he's a jinn?" James scoffs.
"What is a jinn?" asks Peter again, once again being ignored.
Remus rolls his eyes at Peter, continuing with their list. "Maybe this is a part of some voodoo ritual."
Sirius is now laying on his back on James's bed, tossing a small ball in the air. "Maybe he was forced into it by some weird cult in Libya," he says.
"Dumbledore went to Libya?"
"You never know."
"I bet the Libyan Mafia was behind it."
"Shut up or I'll hand you over to the jinns, Peter."
"What is a jinn?"
Once again ignoring Peter, Remus says, "Maybe he ate a poisoned apple like in the muggle fairytale."
"But Dumbledore's not a princess," Peter interjects, earning quizzical looks from his friends for his logical comment.
"Maybe Dumbledore is a princess and he's just made you his prince!" Sirius laughs at his idea.
"Maybe he was attacked by a stampede of raging hippogriffs and lost his memory," Remus continues.
"Maybe the Hippogriff Mafia-"
"Maybe this is part of a scientific experiment."
"Maybe he's sick of you and the head dorm is inhabited by a James-Potter-Eating dragon."
"Maybe your mom offered him a life time supply of her apple pie in exchange for your headship."
"Maybe he secretly wants Slytherin to win the cup and thinks this will distract you from your captain duties."
"Now look what you've done, Peter. He's getting hives."
"Maybe the Herbology hive broke and the bee venom messed with his brain!"
"Maybe Professor Sprout suggested you. She thinks you're brill."
"Maybe he ate a bad brussels sprout."
"Maybe your godfather or the mafia force fed him brussels sprouts until he made you Head Boy."
"I thought my godfather was creating the mafia."
"So it's true!"
"Maybe he's secretly Santa Clause."
"What's Santa Clause?"
"He's a fat man with a beard that sneaks into the muggles' houses at night and eats their milk and cookies!"
"Dumbledore's not fat."
"But he's got the awesome beard! And I bet sneaking down chimneys makes you lose lots of weight."
"And that results in me being Head Boy because?"
"Maybe he hit his head when he jumped down someone's chimney."
"Maybe he's the guy from those Ring books, you know, Gandalf."
"And Gandalf wants to feed you to the orcs! And this is all a part of his set up!"
"Gandalf was a good guy, though. Dumbledore's probably the big evil guy that wants the ring."
"Do you have a powerful ring, James?"
"Maybe he's after something else you have. Your cloak turns you invisible too! Maybe he wants that!"
"Dumbledore's not evil, Sirius."
"Maybe Dumbledore's starting the Wizard Mafia!"
"Or the Jinn Mafia."
"WHAT IS A BLOODY JINN?"
"That's enough mates. I think I'm just gonna go show my parents the badge," James mumbles, getting up.
"Or, you know," Sirius begins, hastily sitting up and catching James's eye just as he's about to leave the room. His eyes sparkle with that glint of sincerity only James can recognize. "Maybe you deserve it."
A/N: Ignore all the muggle references, it's comedy. If you'd like an explanation, I suppose I'll just say Remus and Peter are half-bloods and Sirius likes to piss off his mum.
If you were wondering, a jinn is a supernatural being in Arabian folklore. And no, Peter's question isn't being ignored because they want to be mean. I suppose they just expect him to know. Psh, silly boys.
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