This is my first attempt to write a psychological fic, hope you enjoy it
So Much for I love you

by Tanzanite

I was the only one who escaped from his wrath... yet i was the one he regreted the most...

It's hard to tell, but I got to know him; not the polite, even naive-seeming facade; but I got to know the other side: The evil One, the heartless serial killer he was; the one who kept human corpses hidden in his appartment; the one who enjoyed torturing his victims long before he took their lives. The irrational psychotic murderer.

I can clearly remember the night he decided to keep me for the greatest good. We met at the bar of the night club we used to go frecuently back then; He looked at me and started talking. One of my few virtues is to be a good listener; sometimes I can hear things that people don't say out loud; that's how I realized the kind of psycho I was talking to; can't say i wasn't scared, but there was something else. That night, without a single word comming out from his mouth, he told me about his lonelyness and aprehention, and I felt pitty, for that lost boy in a place that wasn't his and in a time he didn't belong to. He needed someone to know his secret and face him with it; someone to help him out.

He needed me, and that had me one step ahead of him.

As time passed there was also the fact that I loved and admired him; I truly cared about him, because he was as out of place as I was and in his case it was further more devastating. But believe me when i say that this wasn't just about saving my own life.

He talked and I listened, without saying a word. It was just when he paused to take a sip from his glass that I finally spoke.

-So, appart from being a serial killer, what did you say you do? -I asked as cassually as I could.
-I... How could you know? -he sounded stoned, but somehow relieved; at the same time, he grabbed his gun and was about to shot me right there and then.

-Don't do this -I said- Trust me that I can help you, we'll find a way out of this.

He finally agreed and trusted me that I was on his side. I was safe. He had no one else to turn to; and he wasn't about to kill the only person willing to help him out.

The days after were the most exhausting of my entire life: phone calls at midnight from him, crying because he had just ripped a girl's heart out and sliced her head off; and I had to go there and see the things he had done. Sometimes we washed the blood together, but most of the time he did it on his own. His friends disliked the idea of us being together, they say I couldn't fit in their circle; and that was to much pressure for him to bear. We started seeing each other in secret.

Like I said before, he always had two faces; and I was much a part of the dark one. I loved him and I knew he loved me 'till the end. And every time i think of the times we lived together I can truly speak about love.

But his problem was harder than I thought; Even though I gave my last breath every moment to try and help him, the cicle was unbreakable. he was so desperate that he had to murder people just to ease the preasure, but after each crime the preasure increased and he was left moe desperate than ever. And no matter how much I tried to stop it, he kept on following the same patterns.

When I say that I loved him, is for you not to think that my betrayal was merely selfish. I betrayed him because I had to; I had no other way, neither did he. and i truly know that what i did last night was for the greatest good; to save the lifes of more inocents and to save him as well, from himself. I betrayed him because I loved him.

That night I knocked his door, and he knew it was me, for he inmediately turned off the chain saw he was using to cut that woman into pieces. his fine suit was all blood crusted, and the metallic smell of it filled my nose. I took a step back; not like I'd never seen him like that, but this time, my heart was filled with guilt.

-I won't go in, untill you clean that mess -I said and he nodded in silence.

I waited for a long time, fearing that any single movement, any single word, the way I breathed, any single gesture would be enough for him to realize that something was wrong. Maybe he had missed the tapes I took with me the last time I was there, the ones where he recorded some of his crimes. He was to observant to let any single detail escape.

-All cleaned -he said, when he came back wearing a clean shirt and jeans. I held him close and caressed his face softly. He looked so cute, so inocent...

We were on his living room, and he paced arround the room, nervous. I sat on the couch feeling just like him. Neither of us talked for what seemed an hour, we just looked at each other. Then I broke the silence.

-You need help - I said softly.

-Of course, That's why you're here. -He replied.

-You need help better than mine -I insisted.

-And You think I haven't already tried that? -He said, obviously pissed for my incompetence- I have tried everything you can think of, but those things do nothing to help me out. That's why i kept you alive, cause you promissed that you'll help.

-But it's over me, I can't do much about it -I cried.

-It's been like these ever since I can remember -he didn't seem to have heard me- An it's getting worse every day, And theres nothing you can do for me, THERE'S NO FUCKING THING YOU CAN DO FOR ME!!!!!!!!- he wailed.

-I can buy some time -I whispered and then turned to face him; already crying and sweating in despair- I've got to go -I said softly.

-Thats it, you're leaving me? -he asked in rage.

-No, that's not true -I tried to calm him- I just need to go for a walk and think; but I will come back, believe me, I love you and we'll find a way.

-Promisse, tell me you wil come back -he said, his wrath mixed with despair.

-I swear I will come back and when I come back, you'll be fine -I said and closed the door behind me.

I was already out of the building when the police got in.