The Twilight Saga...Abridged

Okay, one more...just because I'm bored. ;)

Disclaimer: Yeah, you already know.

Warning: Strong language and stuff.


Part 5: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

Who the fuck is Bree Tanner?

You know! That one vampire, in the one book, who does that one thing!

Okay, yeah, she's not really important. But I guess she was interesting enough to write a book about!

So Bree is part of that newborn club, the one that Victoria the Vampire Whore started to kill Edward and Bella. And Bree is all like, "I'm a vampire. This sucks."

But then she meets Diego, who's this hunky (we're assuming...) newborn who thinks she's kinda cute. Score! So they become buddies and play ninja or some lame shit and discover that they've been LIED to by Victoria and her new man whore, Riley.

On top of that, the other newborns are trying to kick each other's asses, because they're cranky and, like I said before, batshit INSANE. So what do Bree and Diego decide to do? Stalk Victoria and Riley, of course!

So they do that, and realize that they've gotta kill some stupid motherfucking vampires. Cool.

Then the two little noobs share an open-eyed kiss (seriously, how awkward is THAT?), and then Diego decides to get to the bottom of this bullshit. Big mistake, dumbass.

So Bree gets all buddy-buddy with Ed...or whatever the hell his name is. He's just some random guy in the background, he's not that important. So they got to battle, but Ed's all, "No fucking way am I risking my sparkly ass to fight!"

And Bree is wondering, "Where the HELL is my pimp - I mean, Diego?" And Ed's all, "He's probably in the fight already. Yo, I'm going to Canada cuz they's gots free health care. You should come with, cuz you're actually kind of cool for a sparkly fairy princess."

But Bree is too in love with her man whore, and says, "Fuck you, no way!" And Ed goes to Canada, and gets his free health care.

Bree doesn't fight, but she watches the badass action as the newborns get torn up by the other vampires and eaten by the werewolves. Hellz to the yeah this is FUCKING AWESOME!

But she realizes that Riley and Victoria FUCKING KILLED HER MAN WHORE DIEGO! What the hell was THAT for?

But, oh no, there are bigger problems: the government vampires come to deal with Victoria, who's been a naught naughty whore for making the army! The Cullens (or, at least, I think it's them...they're never given names, since it's from Bree's perspective) are all, "Edward killed that stupid fucking bitch, so it's all good now."

But then the government vampires are all like, "That trippy, stupid bitch is still alive. What the hell?"

And the Cullens are all, "Yeah, if you stop riding our asses, we'll do it!"

And the government vampires are all, "Who's this little skank?", meaning Bree.

And the Cullens are all, "She's a newborn, but she can live with us and we can train her and all that shit."

And the government vampires are all, "Hell no! She was created by that crazy-ass bitch Victoria, so yeah, she's gotta die!"

So since the story's told from Bree's perspective, we pretty much know that after the line, "I closed my eyes.", she got ripped up and burned. Tear, tear, how sad.

THE END...for real-realsies this time. :)


Man, it's amazing what I can do when I procrastinate! ;)

Review, pretty please!