Fearlessly Fearful

Long ass author's note…

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing."

This is Bella's story, but of course, I won't keep the Cowboy from having his time either. (Don't get me wrong, I like SM's Twilight, with Edward and Bella together, but, for fanfiction, I really do prefer Jasper and Bella together…)

I have no idea where this story is going or how long it will be, it popped into my head, so I will see where it takes me. I won't be updating this one much right now, because I am currently reworking Broken which is now ReBroken…

This story will not be happily ever after from start to finish, will there be a happily ever after, maybe, but, you will have to take the ride with me, to find out. (For those who read me, most know I don't do fluffy happiness, it just isn't me, but that isn't to say I don't like a little fluff now and then…)

Would love to know what you think, reviews are the best way to do that!

Prologue – Panicked

As I stood next to the waterfall, looking at the beauty that is Mother Nature, what should have been a calming experience, which had always been calming before, was now anything of the sort.

My thoughts assaulted me; they started slow, but picked up speed.

It was like being drug back through time…

I remembered many things from my childhood, some bad, some good and some great and some that were hard to think about.

It had always been me and my dad, she, the woman who for all intents and purposes, donated a womb, left when I was young. I'd heard stories, none of them flattering, most making me wonder how anyone could be that cold, but she was, is…

There were others in my life, my grandparents, uncles and aunts, but, for as long as I could remember, she was always absent.

When I was young, it didn't bother me as much, how could it, I didn't really know what I was missing, but as I grew older, I'd see other kids with their mom's, I'd see the things they do with their kids and that innate love that was suppose to be a mothers love. Yet, I didn't know it, had never felt it and that hurt, it left me bitter and jaded…

I was four, playing with the neighbors kids, I'd played with them numerous times before, but today, something felt different, something felt wrong – I can't tell you how my childish mind knew, it 'Just' was –

It started innocent enough, Skylar - wanted to play hide and seek – I was four or five at the time, she was a year or two older than me and her brother Mike a few years older than her, my memory is a little foggy, but I believe he was eleven or twelve.

She began counting and Mike and I ran off to hide, we were in my grandparent's house, downstairs, she was upstairs…

Mike suggested we hide in the unplugged freezer, I figured in my innocence that it was a good idea; he lifted me in and followed moments later.

We sat there in the dark, in silence, waiting to be found.

I don't know how long we waited, but as the seconds ticked by, I started to wonder how long this was going to take. I was about to speak up when I felt Mike's hand on my shoulder.

My breath hissed out of me, my heart beating erratically from the fright.

"Shhh, it's okay." He whispered as he drew me closer to him.

He settled my slight weight in his lap, his fingers running through my hair, it was a calming feeling, but for some reason, I couldn't relax completely.

"You're such a good girl." He whispered in to my ear.

What I would later come to realize, the emotion I was now feeling was unease, gripped me tightly.

His hands, which had been comforting and innocent, were no longer.

The fingers of one of his hands ran over my arms and chest, his other hand moved over my legs, his fingers rising higher with each stroke.

I went to move out of his lap, trying to scoot my body away from his and that is when I felt the hardness beneath me. I didn't know at the time, what it was; only that it scared me.

His hand that had been on my chest and arms, moved more tightly around me, binding my body to his, holding me motionless, when I tried to move again, he whispered, "Don't move."

I didn't know how to handle what was going on, I only knew I was scared and wanted to get away. I opened my mouth to scream but his hot, breathy voice in my ear stopped me cold.

"You will not scream and you will not say anything about this, EVER." His voice was positively evil.

This, I didn't know what 'this' was, but no sooner had the thought popped in to my mind than his fingers moved underneath my dress and then under my panties. I cried out at the intrusion, but his hand slapped over my lips, silencing me.

I didn't like this, and it hurt, but he wouldn't release me and he wouldn't let me speak.

The more I tried to move, the more he seemed to like it. When I tried to still my movements, he began to move me in his lap more forcefully.

His breath puffed against my ear, and strange noises I didn't understand. Grunts and moans.

I was worried, I thought he was hurt or something was wrong, but even as I thought these thoughts his two fingers continued to move within me.

The quicker his breathing got, the rougher his fingers became.

Moments - which to me felt like hours – he moaned, his voice a mere snarl as he whispered "Don't try to move, stay where you are."

His arm that had been holding me tightly to him disappeared, it moved behind me and then I heard the rasp of his zipper being lowered.

It felt like a fist being pressed into my back, moving up and down in quick, hard thrusts. As his movement behind me quickened, so too did his fingers within me.

I tried to stay quiet, but it hurt so badly and I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.

But within moments his body went ridged and instantly felt wetness on the back of my panties, his fingers that were within me curled as his body shook, the pain was too much and I cried out.

The inside of my thighs felt wrong, but I wasn't given the time to wonder about anything, because suddenly he shoved me away from him and seconds later the top opened and Shannon was standing there, a proud smile on her lips.

"Why are you crying?" She asked me.

I didn't know how to answer, but even had I figured out what I wanted to say, Mike beat me to it.

"She doesn't seem to like the dark. If you hadn't found us, I was going to help her out."

Shannon looked back and forth between the two of us, shrugged her shoulders.

Mike quickly grabbed me and placed me on the floor. I cringed back from his touch, but needed his help getting out. As soon as my feet hit the floor I bolted from the room and ran to the bathroom.

I lifted my dress and saw red splatters on my upper thighs and panties. It was blood I realized, my blood.

My tears came quickly, each one burning my eyes as it fell. I went to open the door when it opened, Mike was standing there and before I could do or say anything, he whisper, growled, "Don't say a thing to anyone. You're mother already doesn't want you, can you imagine if your father knew, he'd throw you away just as quickly as she did."

Before I could say anything, he shut the door. I waited a few moments and then threw the door open and dashed up the stairs, half way up I tripped and skinned my knee, moving a little slower I walked in to my room.

I quickly changed and grabbed the clothes I had been wearing, went to the bathroom, washed out my underwear, put them in the laundry basket and took the dress to my grandma, but only after using it to sop up the small amount of blood from my knee.

"Oma, I got blood on my dress, I skinned my knee."

Oma is the German word from grandma, and I had used it for as long as I can remember.

She smiled at me, took the dress and worked her magic to get the stains out.


I was pulled out of my thoughts by a throat clearing next to me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, you just looked lost in thought and honestly, it didn't look like a happy thought."

"You didn't scare me." I said softly.

I hadn't looked at the stranger while he spoke or when I had, but now I finally pulled my eyes from the waterfall and my breath hitched. Shit! He's gorgeous!

"Jasper Whitlock Ma'am and you are?"

"Bella Swan, last time I checked." I mumbled breathily.

I knew I must look like an idiot, but Holy Hell, the man was amazing to look at. Even the lack of light couldn't mask his perfection. And then it hit me, I had been standing here a very long time.

"Excuse me; do you know what time it is?" I asked.

"Just after eight, is everything alright?" He inquired.

"Oh Shit…" I trailed off, my mind stuck on the fact that I had been here, in this spot for twelve hours.

I suddenly lurched forward, moving stiffly towards the bench. Once seated I dropped my head between my knees, taking great gulps of air, trying to stave off the panic attack I knew was coming.

I felt more than saw, Jasper kneel in front of me and then all rational thought left my mind as his hands grasped my cheeks softly. The coolness of his touch a balm to my panic ridden mind, I chanced a look up and found myself drowning in his honey, intense gaze.

"Breathe Bella"


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