JTHM vs. Twilight

Genre(s): Horror, Humor

Description: Johnny discovers the pile of trash known as Twilight...and in a fit of rage, heads to Arizona to end this horrible disgrace to vampires once and for all!

It's time to single out the absolute abomination that is Stephenie Meyer's atrocious Twilight saga, a saga in which the world of vampires is mutilated and spat upon, a saga in which "true love" means insane stalker obsessions, and marrying someone just to have sex. Twilight fans, DO NOT READ! You have been warned!

Now I know this fic may seem silly and overused, but I really hate this garbage so much that I think NOT writing a fanfic like this would be letting Twilight "get away with murder", so to speak. Twilight haters rejoice, and watch the Johnnyness unfold! I know I might get alot of hate reviews on this one, but oh well. That's the entire point of entertainment, really. Without further ado, let us begin!

Todd trembled madly as his tall friend, and insane neighbor, Johnny C., stood at his side on a cold summer night. His parents had "forgotten" to pick him up at school, so Johnny had come to pick him up. This took awhile because of Johnny's lack of a car, and arrived at 7:16 to finally walk him home. Almost 2 hours had passed, and it was now 9:02 and the stars shone high above the Earth.

Todd and his insane friend were just about a block away from their house, when something caught Johnny's eye. A large, glaring black poster which featured a masculine looking teenage boy with messy hair and a slightly attractive curly haired girl embracing eachother, hung above the movie theater. Many people - neither of the two noticed, but most of them were girls - were flocking near the movie theater, begging to get in.

"Would'ya look at that, Squeegee?" said Johnny finally, yanking Todd's scared arm. "A new movie of entertainment! It doesn't look like you would like it, though."

While Todd did think it didn't look that great, his terror towards his friend got the better of him, and said, stuttering, "Um, well, I think it looks good, let's, um, get tickets!" He would do anything to make him feel comfortable within a crowd - Johnny always terrified him when they were walking alone alongside, even in the daytime.

Johnny held his chin, slightly confused. "Well, I couldn't see why, Squee," he said, "but okay. I have some spare money on me to buy some tickets." Todd breathed a sigh of relief - there was no way Johnny could kill somebody among a crowd without getting captured, even if Johnny never killed Squee no matter what he did (Squee, for the record, didn't know of Johnny's restrictions from killing him or any other kid, for that matter).

It took a few minutes for Johnny and Todd to get in because of the massive crowd. During these few minutes Todd grew incredibly worried that Johnny would invoke his wrath on the people making him wait - but somehow he was able to hold it back, though he did look considerably angry by the time they reached the ticket booth.

"That'll be five bucks, sir," said the man. Johnny obliged, and laid 5 dollar bills in front of the man which he took. As Johnny and Todd begun to pass into the movie theater, Johnny was annoyed by the sound of the ticket booth man whistling and tapping his fingers, waiting for a tip. Johnny growled menacingly at him, which backed the man off, and made Todd squeak in fear.

The two passed into the movie theater, and Todd grew frightened when he saw how dark it was, but the darkness was broken by the crowd, who were yabbering about who knows what.

Johnny and Todd found a seat, and waited through a few advertisements before the movie actually came on.

"Y'know, this looks entertaining," said Johnny, "vampires are my favorite type of monster. I'd like to see if it's as good as Anne Rice!" Todd said nothing, and gulped.

The crowd went silent for a second, and the (mostly) female audience bursted in applause when the movie began.

"Hey!" shouted Johnny. "Shut up!" But the crowd silenced anyway, murmuring to themselves as the movie started.

The movie began quite innocently, but Johnny saw this as a sign of a build up within the plot. "I can't wait till it gets super gory later on, eh Todd?" He nudged his friend's arm, who gave a fake thumbs up sign.

20 minutes later...

Johnny was beginning to get quite irritated. "Well? Where the hell are the vampires?"

"Were you listening?" said Todd, "it's the guy with the weird white skin."

Johnny stared at the man's wimpy posture, and scoffed. "Hah!" he laughed. "What a loser." Some of the fans turned and glared at him, who glared back.

15 minutes later...

"What is going on here?" said Johnny, pointing to another "vampire" on the screen.

"That is the bad guy," said Todd, "James."

"James?" mocked Johnny. "You'd think the villain would have some mystical buddha zen name or something!"

10 minutes later...

"ARGH!" cursed Johnny. "WHAT IS...THIS...THIS...ABOMINATION?"

The fans threw a plethora of angry yells at him, and Johnny screamed, which got Todd extremely worried. "WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FREAKING VAMPIRES! ALL I SEE IS A BUNCH OF SUNLIGHT SPARKLING TWITS! YOU WANT A GOOD VAMPIRE STORY? READ ANNE RICE, NOSFERATU! IS THIS WHAT YOU KIDS WATCH THESE DAYS?"

"Nny, please stop!" begged Todd, but it was too late. Johnny, bumbling insanely, pulled out a scyth seemingly from nowhere and started to tear up the chairs of the theater, which caused all the other movie theater attenders to flee in fear. "You're not even a vampire! Don't do this!"

"I don't care if I'm a human, vampire, shark or even a freaking ant!" cursed Johnny. "This is an utter disgrace to humans and vampires alike! I will not let this CLOWN by the name of Stephenie Meyer tarnish the name of fantasy fiction!"

Johnny, in a fit of insane rage, turned back toward the exit of the movie theater, and said "I shall not let this disgrace get away without consequences! I WILL END THIS ABORTION TONIGHT!"

"End it? What do you mean?" Todd said, horrified.

"Todd, I'M GOING TO ARIZONA!"

Todd's only reply was to faint.

Chapter 1 Done

Mwuhahahahha! Next chapter Johnny heads to Arizona, to get revenge on some of the cast to prepare for the enivitable fight with the wimpy Edward! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, let's all see the name of Twilight fall before the new movie comes out in November!