Nine Months and Six Hundred Miles
She should feel terrible.
She sees the way he looks at her when she sings. It's a look she's grown accustomed to even though once upon a time it had made her go weak at the knees. Sometimes a prettier girl will walk by and catch his eye but she learned a long time ago that he falls in love with her all over again every time she opened her mouth to sing. Sometimes she used that to her advantage.
But that's not why she should feel terrible.
She should feel terrible because these days when she sings it doesn't matter where, in the choir room or an impromptu performance in her fathers' basement her head is nine months and six hundred miles away. She's happy in their relationship but she's prepared to walk away from it. More than ready, really, she's anticipating it and is counting down the days. She'd rather be planning her future with Kurt than spending the present with Finn.
It's unfair really. When he looks at her like that she knows one of them is going to walk away from this relationship heartbroken, and for the first time it's not going to be her. Finn has dropped hints about them trying a long distance relationship and she doesn't have the heart to tell him that when she moves away come summer she's going to be moving on as well. She made up her mind standing on that stage at the Gershwin with Kurt and this year is just a means to that end.
That doesn't mean she doesn't love Finn, because she does. She's tried to convince herself that it's going to be harder to walk away than she's letting herself believe right now. But another, stronger, louder, and let's be honest, maybe, a more realistic part of her tells her that she doesn't really love him the way she wants to believe she does . She's learning that they don't have the epic romance she built up in her head for them last year.
She thinks Finn's convinced himself of that romance this year. Which she can understand, their story has an undertone of all- American tragedy. The sweet boy with with his small town dreams who loves the girl who's dreams are larger than the life he wants.
Sometimes she plays devil's advocate with herself and takes a break from the daydreams of her future and tries to imagine herself ten years from now in Lima. It never goes much farther than that because the idea is so ridiculous to her, but that doesn't stop her from easily seeing the life that Finn will lead ten years from now. Can she help it if the vision is slightly colored with Quinn's voice playing in the back of her head? Regardless, it's always the same; he's running Burt's shop and he's got a couple kids and a pretty wife who adore him and listen intently when he fondly talks about his Glee days.
So she doesn't feel terrible because they are enjoying their time together and she thinks that when graduation rolls around they will both be able to walk away with the understanding that what they had was beautiful. Beautiful and fleeting and they are both better for it.
a.n. So this is just a bit of a drabble I couldn't resist writing off of Finn's look at the end of tonights episode. I've always been so fascinated by how he does always seem to fall in love with Rachel when he sings no matter who he's with. Just sat down, wrote it and was so proud I finished something posted it.