So originally "Wicked" was going to be for OuToFmYmInDbEbAcKiN5MiNuTeS challenge but now this little one-shot is instead ;)
This is inspired by Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver.
Disclaimer: I do not own BTR
15 degrees F
It was cold. Freezing actually. The wind blew harshly, cutting through the air. Darkness had taken complete control over the sky yet not even one snowflake had fallen yet. Still, anyone would be insane to go out in weather such as the kind that overpowered St. Paul, Minnesota tonight...
Then I guess that insane person would be me. I shivered and shrunk down into my many layers of clothing as I trudged onward. This was the coldest winter night on record and no snow. Another shiver was sent through me at the thought of how much colder it would be when the snow finally made an appearence. I stumbled back when a blast of wind nearly sent me off my feet. Why was I out here? I could very easily die if I were to trip and fall; too cold to snap out of it, too weak from fighting the wind...might as well find grave stone now. The moon hardly visible I could seriously trip over something.
Again I find myself asking, why am I out here?
I wasn't running away or anything; I wasn't going for some suicide walk in the middle of the night; I wasn't blowing off steam from some big fight with my friends or parents...so why? Was it for him? I shook away the thought. The pack was probably far off by now, I remember him silently telling me they had to leave forever because of the hunters...I remember it all too clearly...
He flinched at the sound of another gunshot. He turned to me eyes wide, a small whimper escaping him. I bit my bottom lip and peered out the blinds. "We can't stop them now though," I said in a pleading voice. "There's nothing we can do!"
He growled and scraped the wood flooring impatiently with his claws. "I know..." I sighed, crouching down in front of him. "They're your pack..." I sighed again and ran a hand through his light fur, eyes begining to tear up. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to you."
He closed his un-blinking eyes and lowered his head, ears back, tail tucked down. "I'm so sorry..." I whispered. I continued running my hand through his pelt until completly loosing it... "I know this'll sound selfish, but I only care about your safety and would almost rather see the rest of them die instead of loosing you!" He looked up again, ears pricked back up. I shook my head. "I know this may or may not be your last year but none the less I can't loose you!"
He glanced around the room before padding past me, jumping onto his hind legs, front paws resting on the window sil. I sniffed and wiped my cheeks dry with the back of my sleeve before getting up and pulling the blinds back completly. More gunshots could be heard. He howled in grief and agony. And I saw them, his pack members running, panting...collapsing dead. It was a message from them to him to me. He pawed gently at the window before letting out another howl. I thanked god my parents were here or else they would've wondered what was with all the wolf impressions. I wanted him to stop. I wanted him to stop tearing my heart into a million pieces. He backed down and looked up at me over his shoulder...those impossibly green eyes locking onto me. He whimpered quietly and I crouched down again. He touched his nose to my arm and barked softly. He pawed at my chest and barked again. I smiled sadly.
"You have to go. I know." I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into the gold tinted white pelt. I pulled back and saw something in his eyes. There was fear; probably from never being able to be himself again, there was regret; from leaving and not being able to say anything decent before changing for the last time, and there was something un-describable...it was something only a true leader had, the kind of confidence that would make someone think you were just prentending because no one is really that confident...but he was; he is. Without saying another word, I led him out of my room, downstairs, and to the back deck. The echoes of the guns marked the hunters were driving the pack further. He closed his eyes again and breathed in the death posined air.
He jumped off and bounded over the the treeline. He paused before vanishing, swingind his head around to face me. I nodded approval and tried not to cry again for his sake. I couldn't if I wanted to; something deep in my throat keeping me from not doing so. He veered around and ran through the woods, silent as a spirit.
/End of flashback.../
I coughed and wiped away a frozen tear with my gloved hand. Still I continued on. My heart had slowed to a steady beat as I moved forward. After what seemed like hours more, I reached Kenneth's house and clumsily make my way to the door. I find the key under the door mat and hurry to get inside. The power's not on of course, the house abandon for a long time now. There are many unfinished tasks all around the house. Homework half done, burnt toast sticking out of the toaster, a newspaper resting opened and scattered on a relciner, a television fuzzy from a bent cable...I go up to his room and find a guitar awkwardly resting half on the bed and half off, song sheets everywhere. I walked over, still shakey from the outside world, and hoisted the guitar up fully onto the bed before sitting down. Soon enough someone would come in and take this house...take this house from Kenneth, Kevin, Carlos, Janie, Sky...something caught my eyes and I noticed an iPod under his pillow. I pulled it out. I ran my thumb over the metalic silver iPod's circle and pressed down on the center, the screen lighting up instantly. I browsed through the playlist's until finding one marked: Logan. I went to that one. There were only two songs. They were the instrumentals to Avril Lavinge's "Fall to Pieces" and Sara Evans"A Little Bit Stronger." I frowned and put both earphones and pressed play; the first song playing. It was only until half the song was over when I suddenly understood. I picked up all the music sheets ands sat back down to order them according to the bottom page numbers.
I started the song over again and read the lyrics in my head, imagining his voice...
I'm leaving again, this time forever
goodbye, but don't disappear yet
cuz know that though we may be apart I'll never...
Freezing wind carries the soul away
it takes both our lives until warmth
another night, another day...
endlessly pass until the fire burns bright
but still the fight...
I'm losing my grip
losing you everything I know
I' gone now gone from you
the world keeps moving
time keeps passing
what I once knew
begins to fade
but I'll still...
Listening to the beating of your heart
carried by the wind
a beautiful work of art
in the gray of my life
shattering the silence
You're left in the dark
I hear your cries
throughout my life
they never die...
like who I am inside
I'm losing my grip,
losing you everything I know
I' gone now
gone from you
the world keeps moving
time keeps passing
what I once knew
begins to fade
but I'll still...
I made a strange sound that was like a cross between a sob and a cough. I turn off the iPod and hide it back under the pillow. My heart ached as I starred at the lyrics. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. It takes me a while to find it through all my layers. When I pick it up, Nessa demands loudly, "Where are you? I came to your house and not a person in sight!"
"I,ur; I'm at Kennth's house," I answered.
Nessa asked, "Anyone there? Is Sky there? Kendall?"
I shook my head even though she wouldn't see me."No..."
"Don't be..." I said, trying to choke down my rising sobs.
Nessa was quiet until all of a sudden bursting out, "Why were you out! It's freezing!"
"Chill, layered up."
"Fine. But I wouldn't stay out long."
She hung up after that. I'm almost glad she did. She mentioned his-Kendall's name. I say 'him' normally when I refer to Kendall because its too painful to even think of him. I needed to be alone in the silence of this house for the wolves of Minnesota. I slipped off the bed and walked over to Kendall's dresser and looked through its contents until finding a picture frame. The glass was dull with dust and I wipped it away to fully reveal the image. It was me and Kendall; on the first day he changed since being attacked by the bear. His jacket cover arm was around my shoulder. We took the photo at the begining of the day...by the time the sunset, Kendall was wolf again. I waited until summer returned to see him. Lucky for both of us; he returned...but he forced himself to; and that was almost worse than not having him here...
I sat in my car, waiting for the tow truck; silently cursing my father for never taking me to get a new car sooner. I was alerted suddenly when I heard rustling. I opened the car door and stpped out, glancing around. I smelled something quit familiar. There was a bark. I rounded and saw Kendall standing behind me.
"Kendall!" I exclaimed, stepping forward, my arms wrapping around him. "What're you doing here?"
He let out a short high-pitched howl and licked my cheek. "Aw, man! Stop it," I laughed. Kendall backed up, eyes filled with desire. He whimpered. "What's wrong?" I asked.
Kendall's back arched, he howled in pain. "Kendall!" I cried. "What's happening." I pulled him to me, his body jerking, spasaming beneth my grip. Then with one last pained cry-a transition between howl and scream- I felt a different form in my arms. A shaking, blonde human my age. He was him but there was so much pain in his eyes. I helped him up, wincing at the way he cried in pain. I opened the back door of my car and laid him down on the seat. I found some blankets in the back trunk and took all of them to Kendall. I gave him my coat to wear first before adding the blankets. I closed the car door behind me and squeezed in, looking at him. I caressed his cheek. "Shhh..." I whispered. "You'll be okay..." I shook my head. "Why? How?" But I didn't let him answer; instead I canceled the tow truck guy. After I did, I went back to comforting him...He was still shaking violently.
"Oh, Kendall..." I mumbled, running a hand through his hair. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his, hoping, begging he'd kiss back to show me he was okay. And he did.
When we pulled away he rasped, "Lo-...gan...I..."
"Shhh, I'll call Nessa. She'll pick us up and then once you're feeling better you can tell me." I reached for my cell phone and as I waited for Nessa to pick up, I glanced anxiously over to Kendall.
"Logan?" Nessa said.
"Nessa, its Kendall...he's human and he's freezing; my car's dead we're just outside the west-side of town, can you pick us up?"
"Wait-he's human? How?"
"I don't know; but please!"
Nessa replied, "Of course; I'll get there soon."
I thanked her and hung up, averting my attention back to Kendall. His eyes were on me, watching me watch him. I leaned down and kissed his forehead. "You're gonna be okay," I told him, even though I was sure I was only saying that to comfort myself.
/End of flashback.../
I shuddered at the memory and hid the photo back in its hiding place. I proceeded to then make my way through a mess varying from clothing to wolf books to reach Kendall's closet. I opened it and found only a cardboard box with textbooks ontop of it. They must have been the ones the older wolves used to teach the youngers. I carefully set them aside and carried the box out which was suprisingly light. Finding a cleared spot in the room before sitting. I opened the box to reveal only one item. It was an old, beaten up stuffed wolf. Its glassy yellow eyes scratched, one leg hanging on its sem. I'd lost this wolf along time ago...when I was eleven; when the pack dragged me away. Kendall must've taken it back to Kenneth's house after saving me. I wonder why he never brought it up. I took the wolf out and brought it to my chest. I remembered that there was another song on the iPod...which meant there was another song Kendall wrote. Still holding the wolf, I looked around the room until finally finding more songsheets under Kendall's bed. I reached under and pulled them up, reaching up to grab the iPod again from the pillow.
Organizing the songsheets as I had the first time, I put the earphones in and pressed play; holding the wolf tightly to me.
The storm stopped
when I saw you
the darkness, light again
you made me feel new
Closed my eyes
hoped it wasn't a dream
all the wanting
fine'ly coming true
Now I know this won't work out
But I've never loved someone else;more
and now that you're here with me
I'll never let you go...
This song wasn't finished...And it probably never would be.
10 degrees F
I bounded through the forest, my heart roaring in my ears. The pack raced by my side, relying on me to lead them. We searched for the afternoon's kill together. I let out a warning howl and they all slowed. Kenneth padded over to me. What is it?
Deer. I signaled for the pack to advance slowly. We slunk into bramble bushes and peered out into a snow covered field.
Aurora pressed against me, her ice-blue eyes shining. Great! Let's go!
I led the out a bit further before launching myself at the deer. They were off. Everything becoming a mess of snarls and blood and crashing. Wolf prints and deer prints littered the snow beneth us. I ponuced on a young buck, knocking it to the ground. It struggled under me, big eyes fearful. I ended it quickly by biting it's neck. Once the stampede has calmed down, we all drag our kills into the senter of the field. Carlos has caught a doe, Janie two fawn, Kenneth and Kevin work together to bring in their buck- it must've been the leader-,and Sky has another doe. Good. This'll last, let's eat. We'll hide the rest afterwards.
As we ate, something was plunged into me and I felt agonizing sorrow. An image flashed before me and I was brought back to Kenneth's house as we left it in our rush to escape. Then I saw my room. I struggled to put words to everything, but the human words seemed usless. I felt something against my chest. It was ruff but soft at the same time...and there was a sound in my ears. It was steady and calming; beating like the heart. Whoever this was I was reciving the images fromwas one of us. But who? I raked my brain to remember what wolf didn't change with the cold, which wolf had all our abilities without being wolf, which wolf, which wolf...
You okay? Carlos prodded me with his front paw.
I think another wolf sent me an image of Kenneth's house. I growled in annoyance. I don't know who it could be. I mean, I know. I can't remember.
Carlos examined me, concerned; his dark eyes flickering. Dark eyes. Dark eyes that were independent, innocent, fearless, and stubborn all at once. Dark eyes that belonged to a human boy. I struggle again, this time to hold on to the weak human memory begining to return to my wolf brain. I fought to grasp what I knew I should know. Carlos sat down and tilted his head. What now?
I closed my eyes and tried, tried to remember more. As I did, my heart began to ache. Why? Why am I feeling like this? I opened my eyes again and found myself watching a ghost of myself through the woods. We watched a boy. He watched us back and I re-called watching him many occasions before. The image of my memory moved, blurring everything as it did as I watched me turn and bound through a strained scene of the forest. Was that my memory or was it just a desperate image conjurned to satisfy my desperation? I wanted to say 'yes', but I wasn't sure of anything. The only thing I knew for certain now was that I wanted to be me. I wanted to be Kendall.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't be me.
I couldn't be Kendall.
Come on, we're going to have to move on soon. Carlos barked to get my attention. He nodded towards the rest of the pack and turned around, walking back to them. I breathed out and watched the cloud that appeared before joining them as well. We continued on after finishing our deer and went into the night. I lept onto a rock that jutted out from the earth and starred up at the moon. And we all howled. We howled as we always did, but somehow it felt strange to me now. The lingering memory still fresh in my mind. That boy, that dark eyed boy who watched me. He seemed so familiar. I couldn't make myself remember his name. But he was the wolf. The wolf that never changed. I was sure of that. Was he cured? No. I don't think so.
Then why? Who?
When the howling stopped, I did not leap down. Instead, I continued to gaze up at the moon, silently pleading for the answers that wouldn't come to me. I heard the pack slowly begin to settle down in the snow. When it was a good night we would sleep in the snow instead of a cave, letting the comforting sensation of lying in the soft, cold snow carry us away.
20 degrees F
Tomorrow came quickly; I didn't dream-that was a human thing I lost in my last change. Just darkness when I slept. We continued onward, moving togther; running along side each other. Then a strange scent wafted close by. It was un-mistakably human. I slowed and growled my warning. Kevin came up next to me and sniffed the air. He stiffened and snarled. I heard the sound of crashing footsteps...then...the explosion of a gun. We scattered. No longer racing together. We thought we had escaped the guns...but we didn't. And now this human was going to shoot us all dead.
I veered around, heart pounding in my chest. Where was Carlos? Kevin? Kenneth? Where was my pack? I could smell them, but I couldn't see them. We should have stayed together. More gun shots. This was like a distant night when we were hunted. Trevor, Geneva and Summer were killed in that mess. I heard a yelp not far off, but still I didn't stop. I kept running. I ran fast.
20 degrees F
It was a few days later, and I continued to visit Kenneth's house. Today, I stood outside, starring into the dark woods. What did I expect? I heard something approaching. God I was going so crazy I could hear his barks and howls. I closed my eyes, hoping the sounds would go away. But they didn't. I frowned. No wolf in sight. I shook my head...it was stupid to think that.
I jumped when something burst through the undergrowth. It was a white wolf with gold tinted fur, and emerald green eyes. I knew this must have been just a cruel image of my imagination. The wolf blinked and starred at me as it breathed heavily. I swallowed and took small steps forward. He didn't move, his eyes watching me. I took the glove off my hand and held out my palm for him, croushing down. His ears pricked up and he slowly walked forward to sniff it. He looked up at me. I didn't move, scared he would vanish as quickly as he appeared.
"Is it you?" I asked. "Kendall?"
He only continued to stare at me. I tried to hold back tears. If this was him, he forgot me. Wolf Kendall had taken over and it was just wolf. A wolf who had no human memories. No human memories of the boy Logan who was supposed to change but never did. I stood up and turned to go inside where I could be warm; where I could cry without having to feel ashamed. The wolf barked and I stopped. I looked over my shoulder to see the wolf shaking; shivering? My heartbeat fast. The wof shuddered and snarled in frustration; the snarls though. They began to sound more like...more human-like. I dropped down in front of him again.
"Kendall! Kendall, are you okay? What's happening?"
And he let out one last wolf-howl. "Logan?"
I pulled him into a tight hug, never wanting to let go. And when we pulled back and connected in another way; I didn't want to have to breath.
So sorry, the ending is kinda rushed; but if you want me to make a multi-chap for this I will ;) Oh, and how did you like my lame songs? lol, just shows how good I am at songwriting on the fly...