Author's Note: A little while back I started a challenge over on the Haven, thinking it would be a quick and silly bit of fun. The restrictions were simple… tell a complete story using a maximum of two paragraphs, each composed of no more than one line of dialog and one line of descriptive text. A classic two-liner. However, besides being the source of some hilarious creations by a number of writers, I've also personally found that the challenge has turned out to be a great writing exercise, both in forcing oneself to come up with new ideas rapidly and then finding ways to tell the tale as efficiently as possible while within a very rigid and limited structure. As a result, I've since found myself knocking them out pretty quickly… something that short can be written on a phone, after all. I had composed and published a collection of 12 of these uber short-shorts as the third chapter of Even Odder- The Second OmKimbus under the title TWELVE ANGRY KIMS, but as I started to put together a second collection, I realized that I had already written enough for TWO more... and at that pace it seemed clear that the rest of that OmKimbus could end up being nothing but two-liners unless I found some other place to put them.

So, instead of filling up Even Odder, I've opted to go a slightly different route and give myself a challenge – attempting to fill this 'story' with a minimum of 99 Two Liners. Some are silly, some are raunchy, and the really wrong ones will periodically go in their own chapters… like the Chapter right after this one for example. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. (Legal stuff at bottom)

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99 BON-MOTS OF KIM ON THE WALL

(A collection of just under one hundred short but disturbed tales of the KimiVerse)

By SHADO Commander

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CHAPTER ONE

SIXTEEN KIM-DLES

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1

After a long day ferrying her sons between school, soccer and the advanced model rocketry club, where they had somehow destroyed Mrs. Gulch's barn, then coming home to find that Kim had left unconscious henchmen sprawled all over the front lawn and had a supervillain temporarily locked in the upstairs bathroom, Ann Possible was finally ready for a little snuggling with her hubby… but first: "Darling, tell me those three little words that make me the happiest woman alive."

James Possible smiled as they went through the same little ritual they went through every night before getting intimate, leaning in to whisper in his softest voice to his beloved wife: "I'm vasectomized, dearest."

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2

Monique looked at the blonde across the table sadly. "I'm sorry, Tara, but while everything else on your application to work here at Club Banana looked wonderful, you DID fail our drug test."

Stunned and confused, the cheerleader blinked in shock. "But… but I was up cramming for it all night!"

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3

Mr. Barkin laid the English teacher's class planner down on the Principal's desk with a look of exasperation. "As you can see, I was just following the class notes per Ms. Blonk's instructions, so if Possible, Rockwaller and the other female students have complaints about how I handled the Women In Literature class, they need to take it up with her."

Principal S. Lacking looked carefully at the entry indicated by Barkin's fat thumb, then looked back up at the school's permanent substitute. "Barkin… that says POP Test, not PAP test."

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4

"Okay, I'll do it one more time, but I don't think it can be healthy," Kim sighed, switching the rechargeable device back on and leaning in towards Ron.

"That is the wrong sickest thing I've ever seen," Wade agreed, his eyes bulging as Kim pressed the running hairdryer tightly against her best friend since pre-K's left ear, while the handkerchief she was holding next to his right fluttered rapidly in the resulting breeze.

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5

A perplexed Electronique stared across the barrier at Doctor Director, who had come immediately upon learning that the newly freed (and still modulated) former villain had been arrested again. "But vhy vas I arreshted vhen I vas schimply helpink zat schrtranded motorisht, jusht as anyvun else vould haf done?"

Doctor Director looked back at the blushing Officer Hobbie and blushed herself, realizing once again that the super-powered simply didn't think like the average woman on the street. "The thing is, dear, that most people wouldn't have taken off their shirt and bra on the side of a busy freeway in order to jump start a car's battery with their own positive and negative poles…"

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6

Kim grinned at Ann, the latter displaying the magnificent form that had placed her in the Olympic finals in her youth, as their rocket-skis propelled them out of Dementor's exploding fortress of ice with only a second to spare. "I'm so glad you could find someone to fill in for you, Mom, 'cause this second mother-daughter mission has been spanking!"

Sweating profusely, Mr. Barkin looked from the shaved head in front of him and back to the instruction manual in his hand, wondering if, perhaps, this time he had bit off more than even he could chew. "Let's see, cut from the top and then remove shaded portion along dotted line…"

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7

Standing amid the stack of clobbered henchmen after the ridiculously easy defeat of Drakken's latest scheme, it took Kim as few seconds to pull her own jaw off the floor before she could demand further explanation from the blue fiend. "What do you mean, Shego doesn't work here anymore?"

The defeated, dejected and downright depressed Doctor looked at her sadly. "She turned in her notice after she got a hundred-million dollar Federal Green Energy grant to study herself."

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8

The teenager was adamant. "I'm sorry ma'am, but rules are rules and I can't let you in for half price, no matter what the reason."

"Oh, fine… but I still say it's a ripoff," Dr. Betty Director swore as she paid the theater's outrageous full price for 3D movie tickets so she could join her friends already inside.

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9

"So, let me get this straight… if there IS something I know that you don't know, and it's of sufficient interest to you, then you'll be willing forgo your usual fee and just give me the information I want?" Kim Possible waited for Big Daddy Brotherson to nod 'yes' to her query before standing up and reaching over the massive information broker's enormous back to remove the small sheet of paper that had been taped there.

"Right, one freebie coming up," Brotherson agreed, making a note to run a full analysis on the "Kick Me" sign even though he was fairly sure he recognized Shego's handwriting.

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10

The funeral for Rufus was lovely, but Kim couldn't help but feel that Ron would never be the same again. "I know you'll miss him, but it was a freak accident and I don't think he would have wanted you to quit because of this."

A despondent Ron merely shook his head, having already turned in his notice that morning. "No KP, someone who leaves their best friend too close to the automated burrito wrapping machine doesn't deserve to work at Bueno Nacho."

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11

"Oooo yeah!" Ron groaned as the kink that had been in his shoulder ever since his last tussle with Monkey Fist FINALLY unknotted. "That's really working! How did you ever think of that?"

"Oh... it just sorta... came to me," Kim replied, glad Ron couldn't see the flush on her face as she ran the vibrating back of her hairdryer - set on 'cool' - slowly up and down his back with practiced experience.

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12

Kim wrinkled her nose as she saw that her mother was preparing Brain loaf AGAIN! "You know Mom, I understand that you like to save every bit you can for a 'rainy day,' but I've already got a half dozen scholarship offers and I don't think the Tweebs will be hurting, so couldn't we have steaks on occasion instead of meat loaf?"

"Oh, it never hurts to be thrifty, dear," Ann Possible smiled, sliding dinner into the oven for the final browning and imagining how her daughter would react on the day Kim finally figured out that it wasn't really so much a 'loaf' or 'meat' as a 'reconstruction' pieced together from leftovers Anne brought home from work.

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13

"But Kim… if your mom's Brain Loaf… is made of REAL brains… and it comes from where you think it does, what are you going to do?" Kim felt as green as nauseous as her friend Wade had looked since scanning the sample that she'd snuck into her napkin, but her tech guru had raised a fully fledged bastard of a good point.

"If I don't want mom to go to jail for… like forever… I guess I'll have to keep eating it, and pretend I don't know," Kim's stomach roiled at the thought, but even if her mom WAS crazy, she was STILL her mom… it was evidence that HAD to be disposed of, and… well… in the end she just couldn't keep from thinking that... a mind WAS a terrible thing to waste.

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14

Bonnie Rockwaller smiled reassuringly at the other members of the Prom committee. "Oh no, there's no need for any volunteers; the people I hired to set up the gym for the Prom have guaranteed to have everything set up exactly like the set of a Hollywood movie."

Of course, the other members of the committee might have been a little less reassured if they knew what Bonnie was thinking. "And if Kim wins and I lose, the bucket of pigs' blood will already be perfectly positioned and waiting over the stage."

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15

As far as Monique was concerned, the costumes at the KP cast Halloween Party had been completely and totally predictable this year; Drakken had come as a Smurf, Senor Senior Junior as Himself, Betty Director as a Pirate, Kim and Shego as each other, Senor Senior Senior as Khan and Monkey Fist as Al Pacino… and then it all changed. "Okay, I give, who are YOU supposed to be?"

Completely naked except for the old steel colander on her head, the red galoshes on her feet and the giant banana and dustbuster that she held in each hand, Tara shrugged. "I don't know, but everyone keeps telling me that it's the best Halloween Costume ever!"

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16

"Shego! What in the blue blazes happened to you?" Drakken gasped in shock as his green henchwoman staggered in the door after what was supposed to be a quick trip to steal some computer cables.

Now, wearing a pink t-shirt with the logo "I Love Kim" stenciled amid a field of red hearts across the chest, her normally black hair now green and styled like an anime character's and visibly at least four months pregnant, the paler-than usual villaness shuddered visibly. "I took a wrong turn and stepped in a fanfic."

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Ye Old Legal stuff: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Monique, Bonnie Rockwaller, Mr. Barkin, Electronique, Officer Hobbie, DNAmy, Big Daddy Brotherson, Rufus, Wade Load, Dr. Director, Tara, Senor Senior Sr. and Junior, Drs. Ann and James Possible, the Tweebs and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…