a/n: Out of nowhere I got jumped by a ton of random, completly idiodic ideas involving all the lovies in fable I II & III. This is where I have decided to dump them, as they have no relation whatsoever to any of the other oneshot collections I have going. And, well, I figured this way if I somehow magically update this frequently, it would be better than overloading the stories list thing.
The journey to Westcliffe had started off quite well, if one considered being ambushed countless times by bandits to be a good thing (of which Sparrow did. Killing things was a favorite past time of his, and it was far more enjoyable when the thing you were brutally face raping was trying to stab you in the kidneys.)
Hammer, though enthusiastic, wasn't much help, but he didn't blame her too much. After all, she'd gone from being a mouthy monk to a hero in the span of a day, and after had spent all of her time cooped up in a small space with a woman who was as much of a people person as your average balverine.
So, after countless bullets and more than a few new nicks on his bartered-for sword (Avo he loved Knothole Island. He paid for his sword with three baby chickens. Chickens!) Sparrow was losing his mind. It had nothing to do with the bandits, oh no. You see, as much as he loved having a companion who did more than bark at dirt and chase his own tail, the strain of having to deal with the oversized woman was starting to wear on him. Oh, he liked her well enough, but it was sort of like having a child along for the ride. Inept, and overly serious, he had to put a stop to her madness. If she stayed this serious for long, he might have to shoot her in her kneecap.
Pausing to reload his pistol, Sparrow eyed up the little campsite thing they now stood in. Tucked away by the trees were two slave caravans, both empty, and both notably unlocked. Idea forming, the Hero tucked his pistol away, strolling over to the steel and wood monstrosities.
"Sparrow? What are you doing? We have to go this way! I can hear more idiots up ahead that need to be introduced to my hammer!"
Ignoring her, Sparrow swung one of the cage doors open, moving it back and forth and mentally noting the thing could use with an oiling.
He dove into the cage as if he'd been thrown by an invisible foe, making sure to snag the door with his foot so it would swing shut behind him. Climbing to his feet and swaying as though drunk off his ass, Sparrow turned so he was facing a baffled Hammer. Clinging to the bars, he feigned clanking a can across the bars, making a face as he did so.
"Have you gone mental? Get out of there!"
With a wicked grin and a wag of his finger, he pretended to throw his invisible can over his shoulder before proceeding to turn and wag his ass at her. "Only if you make me! You see, I seem to have lost the key, and/or the ability to operate a door. Odd? Perhaps. True? Most defiantly."
Hammer scowled, and much to Sparrows surprise, did exactly that. With an almighty yank, she tore the door away from its frame with one hand, and with the other snatched him up and threw him kicking and hollering over her shoulder.
Only when they'd reached the so called road did she drop him on his ass at her feet, arms crossing as she looked sternly down at him. Fixing his hat, Sparrow looked up at her with one eye, waiting to see if he'd need to dodge her namesake flying at his most lovely(in his opinion) face.
They spent a good minute or five staring at one another, before Hammer broke down.
And laughed until she was crying.
"Bloody hell Sparrow, I knew going on an adventure with you would be an interesting experience, but dear Avo."
He took the offered hand and was pulled easily to his feet, brushing the dirt from his pants as Hammer scrubbed the water from her cheeks and attempted to catch her breath. "Do you do that sort of thing when you're alone?"
He chuckled. "Of course not, what would be the point?"
"Right, of course, silly me. Well then, shall we?"
Sparrow promptly retook the lead, not so much because he wanted to be the first one shot as he wanted to make sure his face didn't betray his thoughts. The ones involving him doing incredibly stupid shit for no reason other than his own amusement, and that of his faithful mutt fluffnugget. Well, mostly for himself. He didn't think fluffnugget was able to comprehend many (if any) of the inane things he did.
And if Theresa the ninja spy hadn't told Hammer of his odd behavioral patterns, then who was he to go against her wishes? (Ignoring of course all the times he did just that.)