I don't own these characters or the movie this is a parody of and am not making any money off of either.
Anime Park: A Twisted Parody
By, Clayton Overstreet
Tenchi was at home with Ryoko, Sasami, and Ryo-ohki while the others were away. Sasami was there mostly as a chaperone while Aeka and the others had gone off to some official business on Jurai and Mihoshi was on patrol. Just another day, or so it seemed until Sasami came running up.
"Tenchi, come see what I found!" Sasami said grabbing his arm.
Ryoko, perched on his lap, said, "Sasami…"
"Oh come on Ryoko, you can molest Tenchi anytime. The creators got lazy and married us all off to him anyway. This is important."
Ryoko looked at Tenchi who shrugged. With a sigh she said, "Fine, but if whatever we're going to see gets you kidnapped again, you're on your own."
"Fine, just come on."
"We better go," Tenchi said.
They followed Sasami to the cliff face where Ryo-ohki was waiting in child form. She meowed excitedly and pointed at some crumbling rocks. Sasami said, "We found a fossil in the cliff."
"That's what you brought us out here for?" Ryoko asked.
Sasami smirked up at her. "Well maybe it's not as old as you Ryoko but…"
Ryoko narrowed her eyes at her. "You have been spending too much time with Aeka."
Tenchi bent and looked at the 2 dimensional image sticking out of the cliff. It was a perfect drawing of Felicia from Dark Stalkers. "Looks like a perfect fossil of a cat-girl. I'd say early Playstation. Really old."
"She looks kind of cute," Sasami said. Ryo-ohki meowed in agreement. They were both bi, since the Kiyone in the OVA universe had no interest in Mihoshi. "Do you think Washu could bring her back to life and let her live here."
Tenchi said. "Cute?" He gulped. "Listen Sasami there's a lot you don't know about catgirls. They were very dangerous."
"In school we learned they are very affectionate. Look at Ryo-ohki. She's partly a catgirl, right? And so is Ryoko."
"Yes, but… let me explaint his to you. Imagine yourself in a jungle. Up ahead, gyrating provocatively is a really pretty catgirl. You freeze, not wanting to interrupt her. And then she sees you. Faster than you can blink she's suddenly on you. And she glomps onto you with these…" He pointed at the catgirl's giant talons. "Six inch retractable claws, one located on each finger and toe. They sink into your skin and slash at you here and here…" He drew lines with his finger across Sasami's back as the girl's eyes widened. "And her toes will dig deep into the flesh of your butt…" Ryoko grabbed Sasami's butt, making her jump. "And maybe she'll sink her fangs playfully into your juggular. And keep in mind she has the strength to crush boulders in her bare hands.
"The point is, you may not even be alive when she starts to mount you…" He smiled. "So try and show a little respect."
Wide eyed Sasami and Ryo-ohki turned and walked away.
"Jeez Tenchi, if you wanted to scare her straight or into yaoi you could have just pulled a lighthawk wing on her."
"Like I need anyone suggesting that we get another girl around here."
They headed back into the house and inside they both paused, hearing someone moving around the kitchen. Ryoko called out, "Aeka, is that you?" They went in and saw someone digging in the fridge. It was a man, rom what they could see and nobody they knew.
"Who are you?"
A man stood up, wearing dark glasses. In his bearded face was a spoon and he was holding a pudding cup. Ryoko snarled. "Hey, I was saving that."
Pulling out the spoon he said, "For today, I guarantee it. My name is Gendo. And I have a unique opportunity for the two of you if you're willing to lend me your expertise." He shut the fridge and hopped up on the counter.
"What kind of help?"
"Just come with me and sign off on a new project of mine."
Tenchi said, "Gee, I don't know, we're real busy around here…"
"In exchange I'm willing to use the royalties from Evangelion to fund your TV series… for a further three seasons."
Tenchi and Ryoko shared a look. "When do we leave?"
Ryoko called out, "Sasami, we're going out!"
"Bring back groceries!"
The helicopter landed ona remote island hidden deep in the Orange Islands. Off in the distance a bunch of kids passed by on a Lapris, but none seemed to notice them, too intent on reaching the next island with a gym.
They piled into a truck and began driving. Tenchi looked at Gendo and asked, "So you never said, what kind of theme park is this?"
"One of a kind, I guarentee it."
"And why do you need us?" Ryoko asked.
"For your experience. You two are the leaders in your field."
"What field?" Tenchi asked.
Suddenly the truck stoped overlooking an open field. Tenchi gasped, standing up and staring around. Gendo smiled and said, "The study of anime women."
Stretching off into the distance in a rainbow of hair colors, skin tight suits, and eyes were women, in hundreds of groups. Nearby a tiny girl in a giant robot was using the machine to pluck fruit from a giant tree.
Tenchi stared out at the groups of girls. A mix of species from a hundred worlds and dimensions. Almost under his breath he said, "They're grouping in harems. They do group in harems…"
Ryoko whistled. "They're pretty cute… not as cute as me of course, but not bad."
Tenchi sat down. "How fast are they?" He wanted to know incase they came after him. The last thing he needed was to end up like his younger brother Kenshi, who had literally hundreds of wives.
"We're clocked the Saiyan at seven hundred miles per hour."
"Say that again," Ryoko said. "You have a what?"
"We have a Saiyan." He grinned at their shocked expression. "Mr. Masaki, my dear Demon Caller… welcome to Anime Park."
Gendo introduced them to two other men when they reached the compound he was driving them to. "This is Pheonix Wright, my lawyer and this is another expert on anime women and Chaos Magic, Dark Schneider." The lawyer looked a lot like Roger Smith from Big O, only in a blue suit. The other guy was wearing black leather and sunglasses. His hair was white and he smiled smily at them. Tenchi frowned, noticing how his eyes trailed over Ryoko who smirked back.
"This way for the tour…" Gendo said not waiting for them to even say hello.
The tour was actually a video taped demonstration to begin with where Gendo stood at the front of the room while the others sat and watched. A cartoonish shiny disc apeared.
"Mr. DVD where did you come from?" Gendo asked as though surprised.
"From Malaysia. Here at Anime Park we use the miracle of bootlegging to make copies of all the anime women available."
Behind Gendo a girl in a white pilot suit with light blue hair stepped from thin air on the screen. "Hello Gendo-sama."
Another one appeared. "Hello Gendo-sama." "And another. "Gendo-sama…" And another and so on.
The DVD said, "But they're just copies so their brains are full of plot holes. That's where our geneticists and otaku take over." The seats rotated and Gendo joined them. They were shown a laboratory. In it were several large glass tubes with nude girls floating in them. "Thinking machine super computers break down their memories in minutes and fill them up with random scenes from other anime. They fill in the holes and complete them!" Professor Oak waved from inside the room.
"We're going to make a fortune," the lawyer muttered.
It started to turn away from the lab, but Ryoko said, "Come on lets go see how this works." She easily pushed up the bar holding them in place, sending gears flying."
"Can they do that?" Phoenix asked.
"You want to be the one to tell her no?" Gendo asked.
In the lab one of the tubes was flashing. "Oak, why didn't you tell me? I insist on being here when they're born." The tube drained and then opened spilling a slime covered nude girl out onto the floor. "They imprint on the first creature they see when they're born. I've beeen here for the birth of every creature on this island."
"Perv," Ryoko muttered.
As they dried off the girl Dark Schneider asked, "Surely not the ones that breed in the wild."
"They can't," Professor Oak said.
"How do you know?"
"Because all the anime characters on the island are female."
"The only males are staff and they are all middle to old aged perverts, who the girls automatically try to beat up without even giving them a chance."
"Like my dad," Tenchi said.
"Actually he's on staff here. He is an architect after all," Gendo said. "And he places all the security cameras."
DS shook his head. "What you're trying here is amazing, but it can't work. This level of control is impossible."
"Are you saying that a group of females will… breed?" Oak asked. "Because our staff watched constantly when they try that."
"We're going to make a fotune," Phoenix repeated.
"I'm just saying hentai… finds a way."
Tenchi noticed the girl's ears sticking up and twitching. "What species is it?"
"It's a catgirl." He rolled her over, revealng the black haired catgirl from Outlanders.
"You've bred catgirls?"
Outside they were led to a large enclosure. Gendo indicated a tough looking guy with red hair and a large gun. "This is our game warden, Gene Starwind."
"Pleasure to meet you," Gene said shaking hands.
Tenchi looked at the cage. "So this is where you keep the catgirls?"
"Used to," Gene said. "We added a big one about three months ago and she took over the pride. Killed all but two of the others."
Aisha Clan-clan threw herself against the wall of the enclosure. "Gene let me out of here! I didn't agree to be in this stupid parody!"
"Stay away from the fourth wall!" Gene yelled and pulled out his caster. He turned and shot Aisha through the fense. She screamed and fell back twitching and smoking.
Gendo smiled and clapped his hands together. "Well, who's hungry?"
Gendo introduced them to two little kids, one boy and one girl. "These are Skuld and Laharl."
Laharl was a small boy with purple hair and red eyes. He looked up at Tenchi. "Is it true you can use the Lighthawk wings?"
"Yes… um, which car were you planning to be in?"
"Whichever one you are in," Laharl said. "I want to know the secret of your power!"
Skuld rolled her eyes. "He's just a pain, like all demons. Ignore him."
"Hey, I happen to be the overlord. And without me you wouldn't have enough power to keep up the force fields around here."
Gendo said, "Shut up and get in the trucks."
Phoenix ended up taking the kids in his truck while Tenchi. Ryoko, and DS got into the other.
In the control room James sat behind a computer wearing fake glasses and a fat suit. He remembered his conversation with his other employer earlier. They had been at a restaurant off the coast.
"Now remember, we're paying you for bootlegs off all the girls."
"Yes, I know Sesshomaru. Too bad I can't bring Jessie and Meowth with me…"
"Shut up," the white haired man said. "Don't use my name!"
"Sesshomaru! We've got Sesshomaru here!" He shook his head. "See, nobody cares…"
Suddenly they were surrounded by hundreds of fan girls. "Sesshomaru!"
"You idiot!" Sesshomaru snarled and took off running. The girls followed him in a screaming pack, their eyes looking like tiny hearts. Calling over his shoulder Sesshomaru shouted back over the screaming girls. "Bring them all or I'll kill you and your friends!"
James shuddered and looked over at Gendo. "I need a snack, you want anything?"
Staring at the screens, his hands clasped in front of his face Gendo said nothing. The screen was reflected in his glasses. So far the Saiyan (Pan) had refused to show herself even for a plate of food. Ryoko had stopped the tour to dig through a pile of girl-poop (Gendo did not ask why) and now they were stalled because of a conversation between Ryoko and DS.
Ryoko: "How does Chaos Magic work?"
DS: Like this (And suddenly the track had exploded, stranding the tour outside the Saiyan enclosure.)
Gendo sighed. "I really do hate that man." James was gone five minutes when the system began to fail. And outside the full moon was rising.
James's car had slid into a ditch and he was trying to pry it out when a girl appeared out of the dark. At first he was afraid, scared she might be one of the ultra dangerous martial artists or vampires that roamed the island. But it was just a pin furred bunny-girl (Queen's Blade). A little strange since it looked like hands were growing over her breasts, but he had seen weirder.
"Bunny girls are harmless," he muttered. He waved his hands at her. "Shoo! Go away! Don't make me get Carnavine!"
To his shock the hands moved away from her top and she reached up with her real hands to caress them. They were impossible to see in the dark though, maintaining this fic's Teen rating.
"Hey lady, I thought it was clear that I'm gay! Go after Seto Kaiba or Gourry from Slayers!" Suddenly something sprayed out, covering his face in acid. "Ah!" A moment later the bunny girl was on him, obviously not taking "No" for an answer.
At the bottom of a giant tree Tenchi and the kids were digging their way out of the crushed truck. The giant Saiyan ape had burst through the fense and eaten the lawyer before Ryoko and DS had chased it off, both laughing playfully. In their haste they had accidentally knocked the others off the cliff without noticing.
Laharl said, "Your girlfriend is a freak."
"You have no idea," Tenchi muttered, helping Skuld out of the truck.
Skuld glared at the demon. "This is all your fault!"
"My spells are fine," he said. "It must be your equipment."
"Not unless someone shut them off. And you're the only demon around here so…"
Tenchi found the fight all too familiar and said, "Forget it, let's just get out of…" He stepped on something crunchy. Looking down he saw old eggshells. "Eggs?"
"Look," Skuld said, pointing. In the distance they saw a dragon-girl (Mink from Dragon-half) with a group of smaller dragon girls with different colored hair.
Laharl frowned. "Why are they older than babies? The park is only a few months old…"
"Who knows? Anime girls are weird like that," Tenchi said.
Skuld shouted, "Hey!" Both the others ignored her outburst.
Laharl said, "I thought the old man said all the characters on the island were girls. He mentioned something about yuri DVD sales."
Tenchi bent down and picked up the shell. "In the tour they also said they filled in the missing details from random anime. In some anime a character, especially one in a single gender environment or a random yuri series, will spontaniously change gender. Not usually girls, though Chirality proves that it can happen. One of my brother's wives, Rea, can do that."
"Ew," both of the kids said.
"Or maybe someone just crash landed around here from another planet or dimension and nobody noticed. Or one of them fell into a cursed spring where a man drowned. Or Gendo just screwed up and grew a she-male or a guy without knowing since all the good looking anime boys look just like females anyway," Skuld said.
"Hey!" Tenchi and Laharl shouted. Skuld ignored them.
"Or maybe it just happened for no reason like everything else in our lives. It doesn't matter which," Skuld said.
Suddenly Ryoko and DS were there. "Come on Tenchi, we need to get out of here." She looked a bit green.
"What's wrong now?"
DS said, "The catgirls escaped. Two of them, the pink one from Tokyo Mew-mew and that shape shifting android from Space Pirate Mito, were making love to Gene…"
"So much blood…" Ryoko muttered shaking her head.
In the distance they could hear someone scream. Laharl said, "That is the sound of ultimate suffering."
"My heart made that sound when Keichi took my sister. Gene Starwind makes it now," Skuld said.
"And worse than that…" There were more distant screams. Ryoko shuddered. "We ran into Aisha in the kitchen and barely escaped."
"She tried to kill you?" Tenchi asked.
"No, she's cooking. And it is worse than mine!"
"Ah!" They all screamed.
Tenchi said, "We have to rescue Gendo and get the heck out of here."
"Why do we have to rescue him?" Laharl asked.
DS added, "In the book version of this story the guy did get eaten…"
"And the lawyer lived," Ryoko said.
"Like we haven't already screwed the story up enough? I say we get out of here!"
"Done," Ryoko said. A moment later Ryo-ohki was there. A brief flash of light and they were gone.
Alone in the dark of the control room, listening as outside the girls caused massive damage, hands still clasped before him and glasses still reflecting the light of the screens, Gendo sat alone. "Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?"
In the dark there came some soft sounds. "Nyu!" "Nyu-nyu!" "Nyu!"
Slowly something small stepped into the small circle of light around Gendo. He stared at them as more and more appeared. "Oh no… chibis." (Re: Compies). A moment later they were on him. If anyone heard his dying screams, nobody cared.
Outside the view port Laharl saw dragon-girls, female demons and angels, and a few levitating girls flying alongside Ryo-ohki. "Where do you think they're going?'
"They've got a whole new world to explore," Skuld said.
Ryoko said, "Just so long as they stay away from our house."
Preview of Anime Park 2: The Alternitive World (El Hazard Joke)
DS ran through the streets of Tokyo carrying a squealing Bulma with a broken leg. "We were trying to help!"
Behind him a giant anime girl (See Jungle De Ikou) was chasing after him, screaming out, "Pervert!" Her feet came down barely avoiding crushing him.
(Not going to be an actual fic unless one of YOU writes it)
Yeah, I could have done more. Made fun of more series and characters. But I think you got the idea of it. No need to drag it out too much, don't you think? Feel free to do your own version if you feel mine is incomplete. Also don't forget to check out my books on Amazon.
If you got half the jokes in this fic… seek help.