For Rikan~. HAPPII BIRTHDAY! :3
(9/23 Fixed huge amount of spelling errors. e.e)
Seiyo Academy was a nice little school: The students were relatively nice, the teachers did their job well, and the Guardians made school life a little bit cooler. It wasn't full of cliques or of people stereotyping each other, nor did it contain any, erm, "Perfect" people.
But little did the middle school students know, they were about to be graced by the presence of a certain someone whom was perfect in every way possible.
Kususkusu giggled and held up a sign that said "Next day!"
"Goodmorning, class!" Nikaidou Yuu greeted his class cheerily, "Today we are going to welcome a foreign exchange student into our class!" He walked over to the door and held the knob, preparing to open it, "Please give a warm welcome to..." He opened the door, standing back, "Suuzi Honeypai-san!"
A girl walked in. She had floor-length blonde hair with pink and blue and black and silver and green and rainbow and chartruse sttreaks in it, big, white-ish pink-ish brown-ish yellow-ish eyes as big as moons, very very very very very pale skin that resembled a very pretty, sparkly vampire's, a very very very very very thin waist, and her school uniform was totally pimped out and unique desu.
She faced the class, her smile so big it almost took up her entire face. There were also sparkles floating around her. "Nice to meet y'all, desu nyan~!" She pointed to herself, winking, "Watashi wa Suuzi Honeypai, desu nyan! I am super kawaii desu and have very kawaii and unique hair desu, and I am so awesome and fabulous that when I accidentally scrape myself when I trip and fall (Because I am, like, a total kultz. LOL!), that I bleed glitter! HOW KAWAII IZ THAT? LIKE OMG I BET YOU'RE ALL SO JEALOUS OF ME, DESU NYAN~! Oh! I forgot to tell you where I'm from! LOL SILLY SUUZI-CHAN~! Well, I am from America, but I am also part chinese, japanese, french, korean, swedish, canadian, british, spanish, hawaiian, and russian!"
Everyone was speechless. Then after only, like, two seconds, all the boys (even Tadase and Nagihiko! Ikuto and Kukai suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and also began drooling over the stupid bitch) got huge ass hearts in their (obviously poor) eyes. They started swarming around the "perfect" girl and began to drool, basking in her glorious "beauty".
"OMG WE LOVE YOU, SUUZI-SAMA! YOU IZ SO EFFING PRETTY!"
Suuzi giggled obnoxiously, batting her eyes like she was having some kind of spazz attack. "TEE HEE HEE~! I KNOW~!"
The only people NOT affected by this horrible creature were, Amu, Rima, and Yaya. All the other girls were seething with rage and filled to the brim with horrible jealousy. Oh, Kairi wasn't drooling over her, either. Because Kairi is way too smart and adorable for her. Like, ew.
"That horrid bitch." Rima grumbled, digging through her bag, "Stealing my man..." Yes. She said her man. She and Nagihiko had been dating for a year now. Yay!
Amu sweat-dropped, and shook her head. This was totally disturbing. "She really is horrible." Amu glanced in Rima's direction and noticed that the short girl had pulled out something shiny. Amu's eyes widened, panicked."RIMA! PUT THE GUN AWAY!"
The girls sat at a table the farthest away from the creepy cluster of obsessive Suuzi robots.
Rima picked at her lunch in an irritated manner. "I hate today." She mumbled, glaring over at the lovesick Nagihiko.
Yaya sighed. "Yaya doesn't really like it, either. Why did Suuzi-chan have to be so perfect?"
Amu rolled her eyes. "She's not perfect, she's a Mary-Sue."
Yaya tilted her head, her pigtails bouncing. "But... aren't Mary-Sues the definition of perfection?"
"That's the thing: Mary-Sues are so," She made air quotes with her hands, "perfect, that it makes them one giant imperfection. Perfection is something that doesn't exist, so Mary-Sues are just wannabes that are very insecure about themselves, and strive to be perfect, when they know they can't be, but try anyway, because they think perfection is the only thing that matters in life."
Rima smiled in amusement. "That was very philosophical of you. Even though it hardly made any sense. But it was a good try." Amu smiled embarrassedly, giggling.
"Yeah. I'm not very good at it."
"Hi girls, desu nyan~!"
All three girls cringed at the sound of their biggest enemy's voice. They slowly turned their heads toward the annoying girl who was grinning stupidly at them.
"Can I sit here, too, desu nyan?" She sat down without waiting for an answer. "OMG!" She suddenly shrieked, making Yaya fall out of her seat in surprise, "LET'S BE BFFLS 4LYF, KK?" She hugged Rima as if she were a giant teddy bear. Rima slowly edged her free hand toward her bag, a pissed off, evil look in her bambi eyes.
Amu gave the Goddess of Comedy a warning glare. Rima stopped reaching for her weapon.
"So!" Suuzi clapped her hands happily. "You guys have Guardian Characters, too!"
Amu did a spit take. "WHAT?" This can't be good. A Mary-Sue having Guardian Characters? Oh, no.
Suuzi nodded excitedly, bouncing in her seat, bumping Rima repeatedly with her arm as she did so. Rima's eye twitched.
"Yep! I have two-thousand-nine-hundred-and-sixty-nine Guardian Characters!"
Yaya proceeded to fall out of her seat once again. Amu face-palmed. Rima looked sick.
"A-MA-ZING, HUH, DESU NYAN?" She giggled obnoxiously. "Oh! Do you want to hear about my tragic backstory filled with tons of horrible pain, sorrow, and kawaii tears of unhappiness, desu nyan?"
"U-um, n-no thank-"
"Okay! Well, it all started when I was just a one year old. I was already walking and talking fluently by then -in five different laguages, by the way- when my parents died. Wanna know how they died?"
"Okay! Well, my parents and I were taking a lovely stroll in the park one day, when all of a sudden, a creepy, giant, black rabbit with a scythe came along and sliced their heads off and turned them into human sushi! OMG IT WAS HORRIBLE! I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES!" She started sobbing hysterically into her hands. Rima cringed away from her, disgusted and very annoyed. Then she stopped crying and beamed. "Wanna hear about my many boyfriend problems?"
"Um, no thank you-"
"Okay! Well, I got my first boyfriend when I was five, but he cheated on me with a preschooler. Then I got my second boyfriend when I was eight, but he ended up getting eaten by a werewolf. Then when I was ten, I found out that my third boyfriend was only going out wih me for my huge stacks of cash. Then when I was kidnapped and scarred when I was fourteen, I vowed to never have another boyfriend as long as I live!" She cried dramatically, her hands placed over her heart and her eyes closed in a totally dramatic way.
Amu looked very uncomfortable.
"Well! I gotta go now~! I need to go and make out with all those cute and smexy boys who keep fawning over me, desu NYAN~!" She got up and walked away as if she were on a freaking runway or something. This bitch...
Rima took a bite of her sandwich and said, in a totally casual way, "She needs to die. Who wants to help me?"
Yaya looked like she was seriously thinking about it.
"Amu?" Rima asked the rosette, her eyebrow raised. "You know she needs to. It's the only way."
Hesitantly, Amu nodded.
~End of school day, in the hallway~
Suuzi was pimping out her locker and school books with kawaii and emo stickers and posters of things like Twilight, and Hello Kitty, and Justin Bieber, and glitter ("Lots and lots of GLITTER~!") when Amu, Yaya, and Rima walked up to her.
"Suuzi-san." Rima started. Suuzi looked down at the small girl and gave her a big, fake smile.
"Hai, Rima-chan, desu nyan! What do you want from Honeypai~?"
"Your heart in a jar."
Suuzi blinked then giggled. "Rima-chan's so funny~!"
Rima reached into her bag and pulled out her gun. "I'm not kidding."
Suuzi looked really effing scared. Who wouldn't, though? I mean, Rima with a GUN? Hell no. She backed away quickly and ran into Nagi, Ikuto, Kukai, and Tadase, who were eying her as though she were a piece of meat. She turned around and beamed at them. "YAY! HIDE ME, HOT GUYS!" She hid behind Ikuto.
Rima rolled her eyes. "This needs to end." She walked over to the boys and slapped each one very hard in the face. They all shook their heads, their eyes finally losing the heart shapes they once were.
"Rima-chan!" Nagihiko exclaimed, happy to finally be out of that horrible trance. He rushed over, picked Rima up, and gave her a big kiss.
"Amu(-chan)!" Ikuto and Tadase said simultaneously, elated.
Kukai held his head, feeling sick. "I don't feel so good... That was horrible." Yaya patted his shoulder sympathetically.
"Now..." Rima began, taking a step toward the now vulnerable Mary-Sue, "Say goodbye, idiot."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Suuzi screamed in an anguished, angsty way, falling to her knees, "ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT MY PARNTS ARE DEAD, AND THAT MY BOYFRIENDS ONLY USE ME FOR SEX AND MONEY, AND I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT?"
Rima scowled. "Ew."
"You're just JEALOUS!" She shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the shorter girl, "You're just jealous of my perfection, my beauty, my wonder, and the fact that I shag Robert Pattinson ten times a week!"
Amu ran towards the nearest trash can to vomit. Tadase followed her for support. Rima rolled her eyes. "Like hell." she aimed her gun so it pointed right between Suuzi's eyes, "Any last words?"
Suddenly, someone crashed through the wall! It was Shizuo from Durarara! -Insert gasps here-
He rushed over to the soda machine, picked it up, and hurled it at the multi-colored girl. She was lying on the ground, the vending machine on top of her, but she was unharmed. Obviously, because Mary-Sues are so amazing desu that mere objects like vending machines don't even leave scratches. Bakas.
"Damn it!" Rima growled, "Didn't work."
"Wait!" Shizuo said, pulling something (A squirrel?) out of no where, "Get her, Riri!" The squirrel flew at the Mary-Sue and proceeded to claw at her violently. Suuzi screamed in pain, her clothes shredding apart, and her creepy hair turning into a giant, tangled mess.
"Let Yaya try!" Yaya pulled a cage out of no where (Bunnies?) and opened it. "Go go! Ruka-tan and Shii-chan!" The bunnies bounced over to the Mary-Sue and started to knaw on her shoes.
Then, randomly (Well, everything that's happened so far has been totally random, so what's one more random thing?) Lord Voldemort appeared! LE GASP! The flying squirrel and the bunnies removed themselves from the disheveled, sobbing teenager who was crumpled on the ground in a pathetic heap of ickiness.
Voldemort LOL'D at her, and aimed his wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" A green light shot out from the magical item, and hit Suuzi Honeypai. She rolled over, lifeless, onto her back.
"YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Cheers echoed throughout the school! The Mary-Sue is now gone!
Then, an adorable Filipina girl with glasses named Rikan appeared. She tied Suuzi Honeypai up in a sack, and threw her off a cliff.
Everyone lived happily ever after.