a little something to hang yourself on
no one will love you in the dark- shh, there's a reason for every greek chorus, you know. tori/jade, jori.
a/n: lol dark stuff lol fragmented lol why am i so bad at writing
this is a story of a girl who turned out wrong,
because she only loved the things that couldn't love her back.
tori wants to crack open jade and see everything that goes on inside her. sometimes, tori thinks, she wants to do more than that, wants to rip her skin off and climb inside her, explore for ages, understand, learn what makes her tick, what makes her scream, what makes her moan. she could see into jade's mind, the words written, scribbles across a page that's torn up, maybe gray or maybe blue- jade's favorite color is purple so maybe-
tori could leave bruises on jade's skin. lick lines up her thighs or her wrist, and tori thinks, the bruises would be dark black, then mottled brown, her skin is so pale that it'd take them weeks to fade. if tori could just- hurt her, maybe then, maybe then she wouldn't want her so bad, if she could just make jade unravel, once, just once-
i love you, beck's mouth is wide when he mouths the words, cat's spinning beside him like a fairy, she's been high for days, tori thinks-
you look really pretty today, tori almost says to jade, but jade's lips purse as if she can read her mind. oh, wait, no, she's just opening her mouth, for beck, jade doesn't smile usually and tori likes that about her, thinks if they ever- jade's tongue would be warm against her skin and she'd smile then, like old lines.
alright, jade mouths back.
tori's mouth is dry, at home she thinks of course i love you, her hair is limp and she wonders if that means something still.
tori remembers when she first saw jade, greeted with a coy gaze and the slow turn of her lips. she asked jade, once, why she hated her so much and was answered with a shrug and soft sigh, rustles-
"fine." she'd relented. "i don't hate you."
tori had stayed quiet, jade rolled her eyes and walked the rest of the way alone, but-
tori just hadn't wanted to ruin it, that was all.
she will watch jade's nails creep up beck's skin, angry whispers or sweet peeling marks,
I LOVE YOU tori will carve into her desk. i do, i do.
they're late to class. jade is dancing in the middle of the room, not a love song but that's not important, sadness is the new flavor these days and tori likes the way it feels on her tongue. maybe she's just used to it. half of the time she doesn't know what she's saying, thinking-
"jade," she calls out, she comes over, laughs when tori trips and her palms slam against the window.
jade won't ever say i love you; tori bites her lip anyway.
she can't have me, tori thinks, she can't, she can't, she won't, but then-
jade's wearing her leather jacket still even though it's too hot and her skin is smooth, the sleeves are too big for her hands, and she's so-
"you should hate me." she lets jade know, finally. the cigarette is standing still between jade's fingers. tori's tongue flicks at her lip.
"yeah," jade says.
tori could reverse time, if she had the right equation. maybe andre's right, maybe the zombies are coming but tori likes to believe in a better future, one where people love and everyone can get married and things aren't so scary, out there, in the wide spread west. if she could go back to the beginning- if robbie had the right calculation, if he could figure out and she could steal it away from him, secretly-
maybe she could look jade in the eyes and say "i like girls." when she meets her. maybe she could even say "i like you." maybe she could stop feeling like she's so fucked for thinking that jade's collarbone looks beautiful sometimes.
but does tori really want jade to love her back?- she thinks about this too.
at home, there's a box with a friendship bracelet making kit inside it.
"you're going to love her too," trina laughs, after she sees tori with beck and jade.
a match against a stone, smash, crash, BANG-
"shut up, trina-"
the i know goes unvoiced.
at the lunch table, tori's not really sure what the temperature is but she thinks it's two degrees north of hell. jade's still not sweating, but she licks her lips, once, twice, and their eyes catch. beck is saying something to andre, but tori is still looking at jade, like something will change in the next few seconds, whatever, this feels important, feels like-
please love me, tori thinks-
please don't ever not look at me, tori thinks, and cat laughs, eyes locked on the two of them-
don't you see?