Princess Celestia heaved a great sigh as the assembled ponies from across Equestria left the War Room of Canterlot Castle, still yelling at each other in heated debate over Equestria's water distribution policy. It had been a tiring day, and in truth, a tiring week. With only her trusted personal guard and her little sister Luna present, Celestia allowed herself to lean back in her overlarge chair, removing her crown and massaging her temples with a hoof. I need a nice, long bath, a good book, and perhaps thirty feet of rope to hang myself with after that.
Luna bounced out of her seat, smiling cheerfully at her sister as she took her leave. The younger Alicorn had never been one for politics, and often spent entire meetings mindlessly doodling upon her pad of 'notes'. Celestia knew that Luna would rather be off dancing in the moonlight or partying with the common folk than be forced to sit through such boring rhetoric and posturing, but both sisters were aware of the professional standards that they were held to by the outside world. Celestia didn't like her obligations to the political scene any more than Luna did, but she accepted them with far more grace.
"Luna, would you like my help with the stars tonight? Everypony quite liked our last collaboration, and it was nice to be able to bond with you again after so much time apart."
Luna paused, her body halfway out the door, and turned back to her sister. "Sure, Tia! I'll look forward to it!" With a final happy smile, she closed her eyes and shut the heavy wooden door behind her. Celestia stared at the deep crimson portal for several more seconds before lowering her head to the oblong table before her. She closed her eyes, and reveled in the momentary silence before being interrupted by the stallion standing ready at her side.
"Your Highness… if I may make a suggestion?"
The Sun Princess raised her head, turning to him and giving him her usual disarming smile. "Of course, Sol. You know that I always value your advice."
Sol shifted a bit, his golden armor plates sliding across each other and making an uncomfortable grinding noise as they settled.
"I noticed that these meetings have become more and more stressful for you as other countries join the League of Neightions. Setting things up by letter, even with your dragon messaging system has become quite a hassle, as you cannot send replies to the ever-shifting demands of each nation unless you spend all of your time in the Dragon Delivery Room." Sol raised a hoof to scratch the back of his neck, tilting his head and swaying it back and forth to relieve the tension caused by his heavy golden helmet. "Might I suggest that you look into getting a cell phone?"
A look of confusion passed over the Alicorn's face. "A… cell phone? Those little devices that some ponyfolk carry and use to call upon others? I must admit, I had never considered it before. However, calling each country's leader personally would be just as much trouble, what with all of them trying to contact me at once." Her face fell, and she once again lowered her head to the table atop her crossed forelegs, resting her tired eyes.
"Well, you see, that's just the thing. You could send text messages instead. It would be quite easy to send a mass text to several world leaders all at once, to inform them of a rescheduled meeting time."
Celestia opened her eyes wide and rose from her seat. She walked over to Sol, who was pulling out his phone and holding it outward for the princess to inspect.
"I am afraid that I do not understand. These… 'text messages'… they are like instant letters, and can be sent to multiple ponies at once?"
Sol smiled, and leaned in closer to his monarch. "Precisely, Your Majesty. Here, look!" Sol ran down his contact list, systematically checking all of the other Elite Guards, before typing ZOMG GUYZ PARTY IN THE WAR ROOM IN 15 RAINSHANKS UR IN CHARGE OF BEER QUEEN FUNKILLER WIL BE GONE BY THEN and hitting the Send key. Sol paused before realizing what he had just typed, and immediately hoped that Celestia had not noticed. She blinked a few times, watching the Message Sent notification pop up.
"See? Now all of the guards know that… uh… something. You could do the same with short updates about political meetings! I'm sure the rest of them have phones, and no offense, but I suggest that you adapt to the times we now live in."
Celestia tilted her head. Well, if it truly works as such, that would be much easier than relying upon dragon mail. Luna has also suggested repeatedly that I 'get with the times', and she does so love her… iTrot? Was it called? Perhaps it is time to update my methods as well…
"Very well. I believe I shall look into the purchase of such a device. It is still quite early in the day, could you point me to a vendor in Canterlot?"
"But of course!"
Celestia and the vendor, a stout, light blue unicorn with a knitted vest, unshaven face, and black, square-rimmed glasses were the only two present in the ET&T store. The vendor remained behind the register, while the alabaster Alicorn was content to browse the phones displayed along the raised counter attached to the wall.
Hmm… I want something simple, and easy to use. Nothing large or uncomfortable, and definitely something with those little letters all over it. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult to type a message without them…
Celestia found a suitable candidate, and picked it up with her magic. The small device was a light pink, and reminded her of her mane before it had adopted its signature tricolor. She flipped the device over in the air a few times, inspecting it from every angle, before sliding the keypad open and closed repeatedly. She smiled. This will do.
As she brought the display model to the register, the vendor lifted a box from behind the counter and began opening it, revealing a duplicate. He raised the phone into the air, and began tapping a few of the keys with his magic. "Is this your first phone, Princess?"
"Yes, in fact, it is. Could you show me how to use it?"
The salespony smiled, eager to please her. "Of course. First, I need to activate it, though. Just a second, and I can tell you your number." The pony continued assaulting the small keypad with his magic, before he set the phone down upon the counter. "And done! You can now be reached a-"
The phone began buzzing loudly, rattling against the counter and startling the usually unshakeable Celestia. She jumped a bit, raising a hoof as her eyes widened.
"Oh my! What in the world is happening?"
The clerk adjusted his glasses before leaning over the screen, seeing a random number and 1 New Message. "Um… it… it appears you have a message, Your Highness."
Celestia lowered her hoof, and picked up the phone with her magic. "How is that… even possible? Was this not just activated?" She slid the phone open, and pressed the ENTER key, completely baffled by the words that displayed themselves upon the screen.
OMG PRNCSS U GOT A FONE? THIS IS SO EXCITING!11! IM GUNNA GO TEL THE OTHERZZZZ ADD MEEEEEEEEEEE 2 UR CONTACSSSSSSSSSsssssss
"Wh-… I… I do not understand…"
Celestia swiveled the screen around so that the clerk could read it, and he was equally confused. "Well… I suppose you should reply? Can you figure out how to type a reply on your own?"
"I think I can manage, yes." Celestia began hastily tapping the keys with her magic while trying to think of what to say without sounding rude.
You'll have to forgive me, but I do not know from whom this message was sent. May I ask who this is, and how you got this number?
Celestia slid the phone closed, and moved it to rest atop her cutie mark, bound to her fur by passive magic. As she began to start speaking again, a vibrating sensation rippled through her skin, and her knees buckled as she let out a muted whimper.
OH DEAR LORD BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA IT FEELS SO GOOD BUT NOT IN PUBLIC WHAT MUST THIS PONY THINK OF ME! NOT KEEPING IT THERE EVER AGAIN. HOW COULD I BE SO FOOLISH!
She moved the phone around to her front as she rose, shuddering in delight. She glared pointedly at the wide-eyed clerk who had witnessed her moment of pleasure.
"By Royal Decree, you saw nothing. Nothing at all."
The clerk gave a mortified nod, and accepted the plastic credit card that Celestia telepathically handed to him. Celestia slid the phone open again, and began reading.
OH TIA UR SO SILLEE. ITS ME PINKIE! MY TEETH GOT ALL ITCHY N I JUS KNEW U GOT ONE! HEEHEE REPLY PLZ AN WE CAN B TXTING BUDDIES
Oh, I suppose that makes sense. I may understand many mysteries of the universe, but Pinkie Pie is not one of them. Celestia began rapidly composing her reply, satisfied that she was becoming acclimated to the new form of communication.
I suppose that would be agreeable. My Faithful Student has told me of your 'Pinkie Sense', so I am not surprised, now that I think about it. I look forward to our continued correspondence, though I do not understand your eclectic language fully.
Celestia received the card back from the clerk, and took the box for the phone with its charge cable from the smiling pony. Though she was not sure what, Celestia was quite positive that this was the start of something wonderful, and possibly mischievous.
"…and that is why I request, nay DEMAND immediate action! My ponies are going hungry while the ponies of Japrance roll in extra resources! It is simply inexcusable!" The ambassador of Trotsylvania sat down, fuming. Celestia paid him no mind, busy reading a new text under the table as the stuck-up nobleponies argued amongst themselves.
OMG TIAFACE I JUST TOTES PUT SHRINK WRAP ACROSS TWIS TOILET!111! IT WAS SO FUNNNY SENDING PIC OF THE MESS
Celestia stifled her giggle into her hoof as she slid her phone open and began texting Pinkie back.
TROLOLOLOLOLO U SHUD PUT FOOD COLORING IN HER SHOWERHEAD. DO IT DO IT GOGOGOGOGOGOGO SEND PIX OF RUINED MANE
Celestia forward the message and newly-arrived picture of the bathroom mess to Luna, who burst out laughing, causing the entire assemblage of ponies to balk at the sisters. Celestia, ever the diplomat, rose and tilted her head in a kind gesture.
"You'll have to forgive us, my sister is quite sleep-deprived. She meant no offense, I assure you. Please continue." She sat back down, immediately shooting a text to Luna.
ROFL DID U SEE THE FAT ONES FACE HE WAS LIKE RRRRRRRRRRRRRR IM SO FAT N IMPORTANT U 2 SHUD BE MOR SRS WUT A JOKE _
Luna snorted, giving her sister a knowing smirk and sidelong glare as she tried not to laugh again. Political meetings in Canterlot were never the same again, and Luna vowed never to miss another from that day forth.
Author's Note: Don't ask, because I don't have an answer. The idea came to me while at work, and the thought of Celestia having a phone and being a troll with it entertains me. That's about it.
Also to anyone confused by Tia's little… experience in the store: I like the theory that cutie marks are extremely sensitive erogenous zones, maybe not for everypony, but for quite a few. Tia happens to be one of them, and stupidly put a phone with potential to vibrate there.
…I would apologize, but I'm so not sorry for this one. BRB, got a princess to text.