This was kind of inspired by the mixer scene in The Purple Piano Project, where the room was full of lots of over-enthusiastic imitation Kurts and Rachels. Weirdly, I can totally imagine Karofsky going out with an imitation Kurt if he ever came out of the closet. And thus, this amusing little fic was born.
I've put it under Klaine, but really it's just comedy.
Throw some reviews in my general direction.
And I don't own Glee. Or this would be in an up-and-coming episode, fo' sho.
Dave Karofsky's New Boyfriend
Kurt contemplated turning around and leaving The Lima Bean, but Blaine grabbed his hand.
"We should probably go say hello to him," he said.
"And why would I want to do that?" said Kurt.
"Because it's polite," Blaine insisted. "And anyway, it's not like he can do anything to us here. We're in a public place."
Kurt huffed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I swear, if it wasn't for you and my desperate need for caffeine, I would've already left by now."
They made their way towards the queue, though Kurt walked rather reluctantly. A tall, broad shouldered guy in a letterman jacket turned his head for a second and did a double-take, smiling a little awkwardly.
"Hey," he said as the couple stopped in front of him.
"Hey," said Blaine pleasantly. "Nice to see you, Dave."
Kurt looked at his boyfriend incredulously.
"Yeah, likewise," said Dave. Kurt could tell he didn't mean it.
"So, David," said Kurt, his pleasantness dripping in sarcasm. "I haven't seen you around school all week."
"Oh yeah," said Dave uncomfortably. "I've been trying to lie low lately, although I did see your little performance out on the steps, Blaine. It was good, right before that piano caught fire."
"Thanks," Blaine said happily.
"But I've had a pretty difficult summer, so I've just been keeping my head down," Dave continued. "I don't know whether you guys heard, but I kind of... came out."
Kurt and Blaine's eyes both widened in unison.
"Wow," said Blaine, grinning. "Good on you, man."
"How did it go?" Kurt asked.
Dave seemed to be suppressing a blush. "My parents took it pretty well. My Dad's still kind of funny about it though. I'm still trying to pluck up the courage to tell everyone at school, but Kennedy's really been helping me through it all."
"Kennedy?" said Kurt with an arched eyebrow.
"Oh..." Dave was definitely blushing now. "He's kind of my, erm... my... boyfriend."
"Awww!" Kurt and Blaine cooed in unison.
Dave grinned, looking sheepishly down at his feet.
"So when did this happen, you and Kennedy?" asked Blaine.
"We met during the summer," said Dave. "We've only been exclusive for like, two weeks but yeah, it's been awesome. He's here with me now actually, he just went to the bathroom – oh wait, here he is."
Kurt and Blaine turned around to see who Dave was gesturing to, and both their jaws dropped. The boy sauntering towards them was tall and slim and... strangely familiar. His light brown hair was perfectly styled, his skin was creamy and pale, and his nose was pointed. He was wearing a light blue shirt with a grey waistcoat and a bedazzled bowtie, tight black jeans with a dark green kilt over them, and shiny black and white shoes that Kurt recognised straight away as Prada. It was weird. Even the way he walked, with his eyebrow arched and a slight look of superiority on his pale, pretty face – it was uncanny.
Dave's face lit up. "Hey, Ken!"
"Ugh, those cheap bathroom hand-dryers made my skin go all clammy," Kennedy muttered. His voice was so high and effeminate.
"Ken, babe," said Dave. "This is Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson. Guys, this is Kennedy, Kennedy Humble."
Kennedy smiled. "Oh, hey, nice to finally meet you both. David's told me so much about you two, especially you, Kurt."
"Has he now?" Kurt said with a nervous giggle and a fixed smile.
"It's nice to meet you too," said Blaine politely, still staring.
"Oh my Gaga," Kennedy gasped. "Kurt, I love your jacket! Alexander McQueen, right?"
"Erm, yeah," said Kurt, impressed but still freaked out. "Vintage Fall collection."
"Oh, I love it, it's fabulous," Kennedy gushed. "I personally worship at the altar of McQueen, as you may've guessed from my not-so-subtle homage with the kilt."
"Yeah, I did notice that, bravo," said Kurt, unsure of what to think. "Not that many people can, erm... pull that off."
Blaine was still staring, his mouth slightly open. Kennedy hooked his arm around Dave's.
"I can tell this one's getting bored with us," he said, rolling his eyes. "David always starts huffing indignantly whenever I talk about fashion, or musicals, or Zac Efron movies, or solos that I'm definitely getting in my school's Glee Club – anything that isn't football, basically. He is such a boy!"
"Quit exaggerating, Ken," Dave chuckled.
Dave and Kennedy turned to take their coffee order, while Kurt and Blaine stood behind, still completely dumbfounded.
"Oh my God," Blaine murmured. "Please tell me you see it too."
"Of course I see it too," Kurt whispered. "It's like looking into a freaking mirror."
"If it's any conciliation, you're much hotter than him."
"Thanks, sweetie, but that kind of goes without saying."
"Oooh, I have an idea," said Kennedy. "Why don't the four of us grab a table and get to know each other? It'll be like an impromptu double date."
"Great idea," said Blaine nicely.
"Sounds wonderful," said Kurt with a smile.
Once they all got their coffee the four of them sat around a circular table in the corner. Kurt and Kennedy ended up inadvertently sitting next to each other, and Blaine couldn't quite stop himself from staring at the resemblance. Kennedy could easily have been Kurt's long lost identical twin, but for some reason Dave didn't seem to notice. Most of the conversation consisted of Kennedy talking at length about his relationship with Dave, calling him 'Davey-bear' on several occasions. Kurt forced himself to smile and Blaine made the effort to join in the conversation, but they were both still freaked out by the whole surreal situation.
"This really has been fun," said Kennedy once they'd all finished their coffee. "We should all totally hang out together more often. Maybe go to Breadstix for a proper double date, formal attire optional."
"That's sounds awesome," said Kurt pleasantly. "We'll definitely have to arrange that for the not too distant future. Blaine, sweetie, why don't you and Kennedy go and powder your noses? I need to talk to David for just a second."
Kennedy looked confused but, after a meaningful look from Kurt, Blaine stood up and took Kennedy with him to the bathroom. After they were safely out of earshot, Kurt turned to Dave with the pleasant smile finally wiped off his face.
"Okay, seriously," he said. "What the hell is going on?"
Dave's eyebrows furrowed. "What?"
"You and Kennedy," said Kurt, narrowing his eyes. "Please tell me you're not serious."
"Why would I not be serious?" Dave said. "Ken's awesome. I mean, I know we don't have much obvious stuff in common, but he totally gets me, you know? I don't understand why you don't like him."
"I didn't say I didn't like him," said Kurt. "On the contrary, I think he's a joy to be around and miles out of your league. But seriously, what the hell?"
Dave looked completely baffled.
"How can you not see it?" Kurt stressed.
"See what?" Dave said, confused.
Kurt rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Oh my God... Karofsky, I know you're not the brightest crayon in the box, but you're not blind. Your darling new boyfriend, Ken Humble, looks and sounds and acts a little familiar, don't you think? A little like me, for example."
"Wait – what?" Dave spluttered. "No, he doesn't!"
"Don't play dumb with me, Karofsky," Kurt said seriously. "You know, I assumed you had a bit of a thing for me after you stole my boy-kiss virginity that time, but I had no idea you had it so bad. Bad enough to date my doppelganger as a little conciliation prize because you couldn't have the real thing."
Dave's face flushed. "I don't know what you're talking about, dude. Yeah, so I had some dumb crush on you before, but I'm with Kennedy now. No need to be so jealous."
Kurt laughed. "Oh, I'm not jealous, Davey-bear. I'm just concerned and a little frightened. Tell me, did Kennedy dress as fabulously similar to me before he met you, or...?"
"Shut it, Hummel," Dave sneered. "Okay, so Ken's kind of girly like you are, but so what? He's way hotter."
"No, he really isn't," Kurt said smugly. "I mean, he's not hideous or anything, but compared to the real deal he's pretty mediocre. He's a poor man's Kurt Hummel. He's like Mean Girls 2. He can't even pull off that kilt properly, for goodness sake. Karofsky, what you're doing is just sad. Like, stalker sad. You're like one of those weird, lonely guys that buy plastic love dolls that look like celebrities."
Blaine and Kennedy came back from the bathroom before Dave could think of a comeback. Kennedy looked oddly flustered.
"I really don't know what you're talking about, Blaine," he said. "I don't see the resemblance at all. Other than the excellent taste in clothes."
Kurt and Dave were just getting up so they could all leave, when Blaine stopped them.
"Let me just conduct a little experiment," he said. "Kurt, Kennedy, I'm going to ask you guys some quick-fire questions and I want you both to answer at the same time without even thinking about it, okay?"
Kurt gave his boyfriend a strange look that was mirrored by Kennedy.
"If you insist..."
"Alright," said Blaine. "What's your favourite Lady Gaga album?"
"Born This Way," they said in unison.
"Favourite character from Wicked?"
"Favourite member of the British Royal family?"
"What's the highest note you can hit?"
"Ideal role to play in a stage production of Rent?"
Kennedy suddenly looked at Kurt, and it was clear that something in his head had just snapped.
"Oh my God," he said with a frown. "This is so weird. It's like... like we're the same person or something."
"Thank you!" said Kurt with a sigh. "Finally someone other than myself and Blaine has noticed."
Kennedy's frown got even more pronounced as he turned to Dave.
"You already knew this, didn't you?" he said slowly. "You noticed straight away that I looked like and sounded like and acted like the guy that made you realise you were gay, and you were only dating me because you couldn't have him, weren't you?"
"What, no, no way!" cried Dave. "Seriously, I had no idea you guys were so alike! Until just now... wow, you look just like him when you're angry..."
"Ugh, David, you creep!" Kennedy said furiously. "I'm just the conciliation prize, aren't I? I'm a poor man's Kurt Hummel! I'm... oh God, I am Mean Girls 2!"
"Okay, that is just terrifying," Kurt whispered.
"Ken, please, just listen to me," Dave begged. "It's you I want, babe, not Kurt."
Kennedy scoffed. "Yeah right, he's all you ever talk about! On the day we met you talked for nearly an hour and a half just about how bad you felt for making him transfer, but you hardly asked a single question about me! The only reason you even spoke to me was because I reminded you of him! God damn it, I can't believe you!"
Kennedy stormed out of The Lima Bean, Dave quickly going after him and leaving Kurt and Blaine to stand by their table, taken aback by what had just happened.
"Well, that was awkward," said Kurt.
"I hope they don't break up over this," said Blaine, worried. "You know, because of us."
"I'm still trying to get my head around how Karofsky managed to find somebody exactly like me in Lima, Ohio. I thought I was unique. It was like being at the damn mixer all over again. Suddenly, I don't feel quite so special anymore."
"Oh, honey, you are special." Blaine took his hand as they left they coffee shop. "Come on, Karofsky had to find himself a pale imitation of you for a boyfriend. And I was talking to him in the bathroom and he really isn't a patch on you, Kurt. Yeah, so he looks the same and dresses the same and likes the same stuff as you, but he isn't you. People can imitate you all they want, but you are one of a kind. Like Kennedy himself said, he's a poor man's Kurt Hummel. And I said it once and I'll say it again, you are a million times hotter than him."
"Yeah, that's true," Kurt agreed with a smile. "And also I'm a nice enough boyfriend not to refer to you as 'Blainey-bear'."
They both laughed as they walked towards Kurt's car. This had to be their strangest trip to The Lima Bean ever.
Hope you enjoyed the randomness, Humble Readers.
P.S. Hilariously, it was my mum that thought of the name 'Kennedy'. Although she didn't know it was for a fic.